im worried about our finances

Old 07-02-2007, 09:17 PM
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im worried about our finances

i just went on-line to our joint bank account wehre he is supposed to be depositing his paycheck and he gets $400/wk for himself (which is way too much), and i pay the bills....

I totaled the month June and he took out over $3000.00!!!!
i just emailed my lawyer with this information.....

it is really scarring me...i dont know if im going to be able to pay the mortgage next month...
He must still be buying drugs with this money..otherwise i dont know where it could all be going...

ive been trying so hard not to spend money...i cut down on the grocery bill, i havent bought anything that isnt necessary, and he goes and spends all this money.....
i need to find some way to make some cash and fast so that i can put it aside...

anyone have any ideas??? and how also can i cut down on our monthly bills???

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Old 07-02-2007, 09:29 PM
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DW ~

Are you currently employed outside the house? If so, try and put away a few dollars whenever you can. Can you cut out cable, lawn service, any extras that possibly you do do without? Maybe a cell phone plan a little less expensive?

These are things I did and took two part time jobs. It was horribly hectic but it got me out from under the life of living with an addict. It won't be easy, but the outcome will be well worth it.

Hugs to you!!

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Old 07-02-2007, 09:54 PM
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Wow I can't believe you still have a joint account, after everything I would have thought he would have used that as ammunition against you.

Basically you need to NOT have a joint account. Even if it means the possibility of him paying NOTHING, you need to get your name off that account ASAP to protect your butt.

It might sting a bit to cut back and save money but...

cancel the cable
keep one phone only, either land line or cell phone and no cell phones for kids if they have one.
don't run the air conditioning
ride a bike to work instead of paying for gas
get a cheaper car if possible (one with cheaper payments or better gas mileage)
turn all lights off when not in immediate use.
cancel all "luxury" items...magazine/newspaper subscriptions, personal beauty products, getting hair done at a salon, nails done, eating out (that's a biggie for me!) going to movies, renting movies, stopping for fast food, etc.
take your lunch to work so you don't buy one and take snacks so you aren't tempted to hit up the vending machine (hey even .75 helps)

I think the best thing is to really sit down and look hard at your ins and outs. How much money do YOU (not counting support from AH) bring in per month and how much goes out? What of those expenses can get cut? Obviously not house or insurance but you may be surprised what can be cut. Take the money from what you choose to do without and put it in a private savings account. After awhile, take that money to your financial advisor or your bank and ask them for the most interest bearing investment they can give you...CD or mutual fund or whatever. Invest a bit.

It cuts deeply to have to do without when it is NOT your choice, this I know. But in the long run, it's for the best.
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Old 07-02-2007, 09:57 PM
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i have a full-time job, but dont make too much monthly income doesnt even pay our mortgage...

Our cell phone plan is in his name and i dont know if i can change it--if we are under a contract or not..but i can try, for cable--i can go down to basic cable..without any cable there is no reception...
as for the lawn..i would have to buy a lawn mower, since we dont have one, and i dont necessarily know if that is something i want to do...that will be the last thing to cut down on....i dont think i have ever mowed a lawn before...
ive been trying to cut down on electric, by keeping the thermostat at 75 and we have been eating hotdogs and pasta....
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Old 07-02-2007, 10:44 PM
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Your lawyer will handle things ASAP.
The courts have a standard that he will need pay for child support and a house over their head. He could even draw up an amount that may be due to you as well.
Don't try to rely on your husband to pay. Do what you can and when he pays do what needs be done from there.
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Old 07-02-2007, 11:00 PM
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thanks best--

i already sent my lawyer an email tonight telling him about the funds he is withdrawling.

i get very nervous when i think i cant pay the bills...i am trying to cut back on things and apparantly he isnt.

and i am trying to plan my future with or without him-- i want to be able to make enough money to support myself...
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Old 07-02-2007, 11:05 PM
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Do you have things you can sell? Sell your extra TV's or things like that. Have a garage sale. There are places you can take your things and they will sell them on ebay for you.

Have your kids mow the lawn.
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Old 07-02-2007, 11:13 PM
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Don't get undies in a bunch
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Florida is an "equitable distribution" state

Same as Mass.

If your lawyer isn't already working on things it can take about 30 days for a court date but once the date and amounts are set by the court, they will go back and add in what should be getting paid now.

You could be looking at 80% of what you were getting with both in the house.
Depends upon how much he makes a year,
Enjoy the 4th with your children. Things will get worked out. No need to waste a good day in worry about something that will work out ok in a few days.
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Old 07-03-2007, 04:46 AM
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Take some money out of your joint account and open an account in your name only. Deposit your check in that account. Do not put another dime in the joint account.

Do you have any investments that are held jointly? If so, take 1/2 out and deposit the money in your checking account. Don't let the money sit there, it will be gone.

Get pro-active about your finances, worrying is not going to do a darn thing, action is the watch word.

Your attorney will interpet the law, the business of your life is yours alone to manage.

Look at yourself as a business, what will you do to protect the assets of the business so that it can thrive and grow.

Each man for himself, this is war, that is the approach your husband is using, so must you.

My Dad always says: "Be like a fighter the ring, fight fair, but protect yourself at all times".
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Old 07-03-2007, 04:46 AM
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I'm not sure about the laws in Fla, but I know here in MA there are things your lawyer could do to protect you.
There are steps that can be taken to protect your credit so he can't ruin you financially. In MA, once you file for divorce there is an automatic restraining order put in place to prevent either spouse from draining bank accounts as your AH did, or from incurring unnecessary debt.
Again, I'm not sure of the laws in your state, but AH has legal obligations toward the children, and probably towards you depending on the length of your marriage. Usually if you make significantly less than your spouse, you can get some type of spousal maintenance til you get back on your feet, especially if you have been the primary caregiver for your children.
Let us know what your lawyer says! I've got you in my prayers!
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Old 07-03-2007, 05:09 AM
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In NJ you will get support for your children. You also can get spousal support (maintance) for you. Have your lawyer file a motion ASAP for this. Make a list of all your bills, and I mean everything you pay, and give it to your lawyer.
Open an Account with just your name on it, and take as much as you can from the joint account and put into yours, (all is not to much) this way you have money to pay bills. If you leave it in there no one knows how much you will have left tomorrow, or next week. If you can get to the bank today please do it.
You can not change the cell phone unless he does it, I know with verizon only the person who is listed on the account can change it. If you can open your own account for a cell and get the cheapest plan you can.
I am praying that things go well for you. I am here if you need me.
Hugs and prayers coming your way
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Old 07-03-2007, 05:53 AM
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You likely know the day his check is direct deposited in the bank. Get to the bank as soon as it is deposited and take money out and put it in your individual account until other arrangements are made. Password protect your individual account. do not leave your check book or cash card anywhere but with you!

If you do not make enough $$ to pay the mortgage, start looking NOW for different housing. You may have to talk to your lawyer about selling the house.

Worrying about finances is not pro active. You need to be proactive.

BTW cutting the grass is no big deal. Fact is, I know a guy who does this part time for other ppl and he makes $60k a year in SIDE money! I have done if for Side Money;. It is only work!
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Old 07-03-2007, 06:00 AM
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DOlly--I have a question for you about investments: If she has her own IRA's, she can't cash that out and move it without a penalty, right? And even if she moves it (say, rolls it over) without a penalty, he is still entitled to half of it by law if there is equal distribution, correct? The reason I ask is that back when I wasn't sure if RAH was going to make it or not, I thought long and hard about my portfolio (mostly IRA's but not all) which is almost 3 times what his is (I've been saving longer and more diligently). I consulted my financial advisor and she told me that no matter where it went, he was entitled to half (and vica versa even though his is less). I have an out-of-country account that I could transfer it to, but that would still leave a paper trail via bank transfers.
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Old 07-03-2007, 06:51 AM
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Drained ~ Ask your attorney to have an order stating he needs to pay child support as well as maintenance. Even though he doesn't live there he is responsible for the mortgage (his name is probably on the mortgage).

My atty ordered the same for my ex because he was allowed to live in the same house for six months until our divorce was final....uugh!

However, I've been divorced for one year and the judge found my ex in contempt on so many issues pertaining to our divorce, he ordered him to the county jail! I couldn't believe it! Someone finally did something. I figured I wasn't getting any $$ so he can sit in jail. Either way I wasn't getting any $$.

I never thought I'd financially make it w/out him but you know something; it's much easier with him gone.

My boys and I just got back from a week in Phoenix, AZ and the Grand Canyon. We never could have vacationed like that living with my ex. I figured after all the chaos over the years we deserved a break! **Of course, now my child support ceased again so I'm starting over, but I cannot tell you how much I needed that vacation.

Hang in there and please know we are here for you!


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Old 07-03-2007, 07:20 AM
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I would think that your divorce action includes a general RO against either of you disposing of marital property. I think that is fairly standard, and your attorney sounds like he is on top of this so far. My ex traded a truck that we both owned and used 5000.00 cash for the downpayment on a new car after we seperated. My attorney filed a contempt motion against him. It didn't put the money back in the bank, but it did go on record that it happened. Follow up with your attorney about it, that's about all you can do legally.

Sorry he did that to you, but it doesn't surprise me. He sounds so much like my ex it is spooky. He probably considers everything to be his; mine does....

I agree with others, you need to get proactive about your finances. As far as the mortgage, unless his name is not on it, he will most likely have to pay it so don't worry about that right now. Tomorrow will take care of itself; have a happy 4th!
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Old 07-03-2007, 07:28 AM
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You have some excellent advice above me (I especially like Dolly's ideas).

The thing I am seeing, is a belief I have (and still) suffer from today.

Denial and delusion.

Denial that his addiction is still active... still ongoing...still apparent...still primary.
Delusion that you and the kids come ahead of that addiction.

Nothing you do will change HIS addiction.

You know what all that scrimping and saving and sacrificing by you and your kids means? More drugs and money in HIS pocket.

It isn't going back to how it was before. That is also part of the delusion and denial... that we will wake up and it will be "as it was". Even if he gets sober... it will never be the same again. Never. (but then, what is?)

He cannot take care of you. He cannot take care of the kids.

Time to sell that second house and get those funds available (at least half of them!) into YOUR pocket that he has no access to.

Time to start "embezzeling" from those joint funds... to protect yourself and the kids.

PS... mowing the lawn is easy compared to the other stuff. You can do it. I know you can.

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Old 07-03-2007, 07:34 AM
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I am hearing that Steve Miller song in my head....take the money and run LOL

Yes, go withdraw all but about $1.00 and open your own account ASAP while there is still $1.00 in there!
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Old 07-03-2007, 07:40 AM
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I'm sorry, but you don't need television to put it bluntly. Cut the cable, and watch DVDs.

If the cell is in his name, don't pay it. Let him deal with it. Get a different cell phone for you or don't have one.

If you don't have a lawn mower, you might get one for cheap at a lawnmower repair place or a place like the Salvation Army. I used to be petrified of mowing my own lawn, but now I now that was just me trying to build excuses for not taking care of myself. It wasn't about the lawn, it was about me being lazy.

Also in my state you are not eligible for spousal support unless you've been married a significant amount of time.

Whomever said you need to be proactive is right. The time for wringing hands is over. There's no choice now. I know how you feel because I was in this position less than two months ago. Do what you have to do and feel bad about it later, because right now there is no time for indulging in that.
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Old 07-03-2007, 07:42 AM
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I would also go to the bank the day he gets paid take out the money that is for bills and leave him the $400. Open an account in your name only. This is what I did, but also on my account they put a notation, that anytime money was withdrawn 2 forms of ID had to be shown.

I didn't trust my AH at all - I kept thinking he would get ahold of my bank account number and have someone go in and try and take the money. I use to worry all the time about paying the bills, I made sure all the bills got paid for the house and if I had any credit card bill. I didn't even care about his or I paid the minimum.

If you have any CD's I would cash them in. I was a fool with that. We had a CD a fairly large amount, I figured he wouldn't touch that. I was wrong. He took a loan out against it to pay off his debt. The CD matures in Sept., he keeps telling me that he is getting a new loan so we will get the whole amount of the CD, I know that is not going to happen. All that money gone - to drugs and his old girlfriend, it still makes me so mad.

So protect yourself when it comes to money!
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Old 07-03-2007, 10:20 AM
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Good advice ahead of me...I think it all comes down to acting as if the only person "taking care" of you and the kids is you. Your attorney has been doing a great job of trying to protect your interests, but if everything is in a joint account, there may be no interest left to protect. The lure of drugs will win over every time and money is a huge trigger to spend spend spend on drugs. I would get my own account immediately and switch my work direct deposit to that account. Everything else, well pick and choose what works for you, but in active addiction, it is so easy to go from comfortable to destitute in a very short time.
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