Why?
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Why?
I read through the boards here and read so much pain, along with celebration also.
I've asked myself "why?" So many folks here say they "love" their alcoholic spouses or significant others, but it struck me that no one says "why" they do and I'd like to know if anyone feels they want to share.
What I don't want to hear is:
I know the kind of person he/she can be?
I know how wonderful they were when they weren't drinking?
He/She really used to care about me!
I am very curious to know why each of us loves our alcoholic other, especially if they are still drinking ...... recovering I can understand since the relationship is being rebuilt, but if you live with an alcoholic who is still drinking and being abusive, why do you still love them?
I've asked myself "why?" So many folks here say they "love" their alcoholic spouses or significant others, but it struck me that no one says "why" they do and I'd like to know if anyone feels they want to share.
What I don't want to hear is:
I know the kind of person he/she can be?
I know how wonderful they were when they weren't drinking?
He/She really used to care about me!
I am very curious to know why each of us loves our alcoholic other, especially if they are still drinking ...... recovering I can understand since the relationship is being rebuilt, but if you live with an alcoholic who is still drinking and being abusive, why do you still love them?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Judy....I don't know if I still love him.....
that is something I just can't say for sure.
What I do know is I have a lot of "whys"
and "whys" arent gonna get me anywhere.
Happy V-Day my friend.....
I wish you were closer to Chicago
so you could come by and kick me in the a**......
that is something I just can't say for sure.
What I do know is I have a lot of "whys"
and "whys" arent gonna get me anywhere.
Happy V-Day my friend.....
I wish you were closer to Chicago
so you could come by and kick me in the a**......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
I could give a long list of why I love my AH....
He is very caring and concerned with those he cares for. He is hard working, educated and dedicated to his profession. He is a good friend and has a hand full of life long friends that he'd do anything for. He's beyond affectionate. He is like a kid in a candy store when he feels you think he's wonderful. He has lots of energy and isn't afraid to act silly. He loves to dance. He loves to shop and he sings in the car to the radio more than a girl! He's a lot of fun to be around. Sometimes out of nowhere he'll start making some over-exaggerated-dramatic face while doing some silly thing and all I do is laugh and say, "what was that and what are you thinking when you do it." He just laughs and does it again. He'll call out of the blue just to say "hi" each day he's at work. He compliments me all the time.
I remember exactly what I love about him, I remember exactly why I fell in love with him. These things haven't gone away. I catch myself living in the moment a lot and forgetting all the negative.
He is very caring and concerned with those he cares for. He is hard working, educated and dedicated to his profession. He is a good friend and has a hand full of life long friends that he'd do anything for. He's beyond affectionate. He is like a kid in a candy store when he feels you think he's wonderful. He has lots of energy and isn't afraid to act silly. He loves to dance. He loves to shop and he sings in the car to the radio more than a girl! He's a lot of fun to be around. Sometimes out of nowhere he'll start making some over-exaggerated-dramatic face while doing some silly thing and all I do is laugh and say, "what was that and what are you thinking when you do it." He just laughs and does it again. He'll call out of the blue just to say "hi" each day he's at work. He compliments me all the time.
I remember exactly what I love about him, I remember exactly why I fell in love with him. These things haven't gone away. I catch myself living in the moment a lot and forgetting all the negative.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Since I asked the question, I'll answer also.
My husband has an extremely sensitive and caring nature, to a degree that people will take advantage of him. He is 6' tall, with dark hair weighing 185 lbs. He still wears a size 34 jeans at his age of almost 54 years old. He looks like someone that could do some harm to you if he wanted to. He is a gentle soul who soothes my being into a peaceful place. He is thoughtful and remembers when birthdays, holidays, special days are. This is the man I fell in love with ......... this is not the man he was when he was drinking. The man he was when he was drinking I did not love at all, not even one little teeny tiny bit and I told him so quite often. It was quite easy not to love him while he was drinking, damn, it was really easy!
So you see, for me, it is not the compliments, the little thoughtful things that he does that makes me love my husband, it's how he makes me feel to the core of my being, to my soul. It's the sound of his voice that calms the ocean of insanity for me. It is not so much "what" he gives me, its how he gives it to me ...... through a gentle touch, by a knowing gaze, by the recognition of knowing we are both on the same page and knowing when we are going to disagree totally 100% and still accept each other that way.
My husband has an extremely sensitive and caring nature, to a degree that people will take advantage of him. He is 6' tall, with dark hair weighing 185 lbs. He still wears a size 34 jeans at his age of almost 54 years old. He looks like someone that could do some harm to you if he wanted to. He is a gentle soul who soothes my being into a peaceful place. He is thoughtful and remembers when birthdays, holidays, special days are. This is the man I fell in love with ......... this is not the man he was when he was drinking. The man he was when he was drinking I did not love at all, not even one little teeny tiny bit and I told him so quite often. It was quite easy not to love him while he was drinking, damn, it was really easy!
So you see, for me, it is not the compliments, the little thoughtful things that he does that makes me love my husband, it's how he makes me feel to the core of my being, to my soul. It's the sound of his voice that calms the ocean of insanity for me. It is not so much "what" he gives me, its how he gives it to me ...... through a gentle touch, by a knowing gaze, by the recognition of knowing we are both on the same page and knowing when we are going to disagree totally 100% and still accept each other that way.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Even when drinking,
Dan is sensitive
He held my hand
Told me I am beautiful
Told me I mean everything to him
Told me I was brilliant
Told me he was the luckiest man alive
Would clean the house and light candles sometimes
Always took our dog out so I didnt have to
Told me I was his angel
He is attractive to me
He was ajoker, always trying to make people laugh
He did all these things even when drinking. It was the other things he did that were not so great on me.
Dan is sensitive
He held my hand
Told me I am beautiful
Told me I mean everything to him
Told me I was brilliant
Told me he was the luckiest man alive
Would clean the house and light candles sometimes
Always took our dog out so I didnt have to
Told me I was his angel
He is attractive to me
He was ajoker, always trying to make people laugh
He did all these things even when drinking. It was the other things he did that were not so great on me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Originally Posted by pmaslan
Judy....I don't know if I still love him.....
that is something I just can't say for sure.
What I do know is I have a lot of "whys"
and "whys" arent gonna get me anywhere.
Happy V-Day my friend.....
I wish you were closer to Chicago
so you could come by and kick me in the a**......
that is something I just can't say for sure.
What I do know is I have a lot of "whys"
and "whys" arent gonna get me anywhere.
Happy V-Day my friend.....
I wish you were closer to Chicago
so you could come by and kick me in the a**......
This thread is asking, if this is the type of treatment you receive and accept (not a criticism) and you say you love him, I am asking why? Why does someone love to be in a relationship/situation where the only thing keeping them in that situation is "love". I don't understand it ......
Do you see where I'm going with this?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
sometimes when my ah drinks, he is just as sweet. he can be fun and sweet when drunk also. all mushy and happy. but then sometimes you get the nasty drunk, I do NOT love him. He hurts me and lies to me. He also carries over into the sober H I have because he has to keep the lies he told up....this is what I can NOT tolerate. Even though I forget and try to live life with who I fell in love with because he does exist, the lies eat at me. I will miss my AH. How come there isn't an honest drunk? LOL.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
I see where you're going with it ASpouse. My situation isn't like that so I can't answer. I have complained about the negative in my situation because well, he won't acknowledge the things I know to be true, denial I guess. I have turned the other way, many times but won't anymore.
However, the negative doesn't reflect our daily life. Our daily life is how I described above. But living with the lies makes it impossible for me to rebuild trust and they eat at me.
However, the negative doesn't reflect our daily life. Our daily life is how I described above. But living with the lies makes it impossible for me to rebuild trust and they eat at me.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Originally Posted by sunshine003
I see where you're going with it ASpouse. My situation isn't like that so I can't answer. I have complained about the negative in my situation because well, he won't acknowledge the things I know to be true, denial I guess. I have turned the other way, many times but won't anymore.
However, the negative doesn't reflect our daily life. Our daily life is how I described above. But living with the lies makes it impossible for me to rebuild trust and they eat at me.
However, the negative doesn't reflect our daily life. Our daily life is how I described above. But living with the lies makes it impossible for me to rebuild trust and they eat at me.
I think you need to reword your thoughts and say it this way perhaps:
Living with the lies of an alcoholic makes it impossible for you to rebuild the trust needed for a viable relationship
Sadly, if your husband would just get into recovery and work a program, that trust would be rebuilt quite solidly over time. It's a shame. He sounds like he's a decent guy.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
Thanks Judy. He is a decent guy but that alcoholic mind bumps him down to less than average. You're right, I do need to word it that way. I will have to borrow that line, I'll put it in the short note I'm going to leave him on my way out the door.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Yes, I do Judy.
I as you know made my ex leave almost 9 months ago.
Even though I loved him, I had to protect my children
against the madness. He wasn't violent or mean just drunk.
Most times a funny drunk, but no less a pathetic drunk.
I didn't want my boys to think this is how a man should behave
in a relationship with a woman he supposedly loves or behave period.
The man I met was so incredible, I can't believe he is gone. But gone he is.
I too wonder why some stay when the conditions are so unacceptable.
The love part.....I think that is the only tangable part of the equation that is left
for many or the memory of days gone by.
I as you know made my ex leave almost 9 months ago.
Even though I loved him, I had to protect my children
against the madness. He wasn't violent or mean just drunk.
Most times a funny drunk, but no less a pathetic drunk.
I didn't want my boys to think this is how a man should behave
in a relationship with a woman he supposedly loves or behave period.
The man I met was so incredible, I can't believe he is gone. But gone he is.
I too wonder why some stay when the conditions are so unacceptable.
The love part.....I think that is the only tangable part of the equation that is left
for many or the memory of days gone by.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
But you see Guy, although I appreciate and understand your answer completely, that is what I didn't want to read. I know we all here love the person the A used to be, but why? why do you love her? What did she give you that made you feel like a whole person?
I find it painful to love a memory or a fading dream, but that's just me!
I find it painful to love a memory or a fading dream, but that's just me!
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
didn't want my boys to think this is how a man should behave
in a relationship with a woman he supposedly loves or behave period.
in a relationship with a woman he supposedly loves or behave period.
Even if you take alcohol out the equation, there is a way to treat women with respect, and a way to treat them with disrespect. I can not tell you how much it means to hear that there are woman teaching their boys to chose the respect road via what they allow to be modeled to the boys.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
The love part.....I think that is the only tangable part of the equation that is left for many or the memory of days gone by.
Someone sent me such a beautiful writing today about love and how fragile it is ......
A Nice Article about Love
by Swami Vivekananda
I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were
sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with
some water and held it before me, and said this:
"You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."
This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and
allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to
close your fingers round it and try to possess it, it will spill through the
first cracks it finds.
This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try
to possess it, they demand, they expect... and just like the water spilling
out of your hand, love will retrieve from you .
For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are
people you love, allow them to be free beings.
Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.
It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly
practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must
sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an
unconditional caring."
Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take;
but by the moments that take our breath away.....
Life is beautiful!!! Live it !!!
by Swami Vivekananda
I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were
sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with
some water and held it before me, and said this:
"You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."
This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and
allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to
close your fingers round it and try to possess it, it will spill through the
first cracks it finds.
This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try
to possess it, they demand, they expect... and just like the water spilling
out of your hand, love will retrieve from you .
For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are
people you love, allow them to be free beings.
Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.
It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly
practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must
sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an
unconditional caring."
Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take;
but by the moments that take our breath away.....
Life is beautiful!!! Live it !!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
SE and anyone else that doesn't know this:
My boys are 15 and soon to be 17.
Their father is a gem.
Professional man, great income, morals, ethics, principals and
a non drinker or user of drugs.
Probably wonder why I divorced him eh?????
Another story for another day....
My boys have never been exposed to an addict of any sort.
My ex is their first experience with one.
For the most part they just thought he was pathetic.
The never felt he was a physical threat to any of us,
just a huge embarrassment.
I don't think they have been harmed by this experience.
In some ways I think they have learned some valuable lessons.
Neither of the boys smokes, drinks or does drugs, their grades in
school are above average and they treat me with respect.
They have a very low opinion of alcohol and pity alcoholics
and yes they know it is a disease.
My boys are 15 and soon to be 17.
Their father is a gem.
Professional man, great income, morals, ethics, principals and
a non drinker or user of drugs.
Probably wonder why I divorced him eh?????
Another story for another day....
My boys have never been exposed to an addict of any sort.
My ex is their first experience with one.
For the most part they just thought he was pathetic.
The never felt he was a physical threat to any of us,
just a huge embarrassment.
I don't think they have been harmed by this experience.
In some ways I think they have learned some valuable lessons.
Neither of the boys smokes, drinks or does drugs, their grades in
school are above average and they treat me with respect.
They have a very low opinion of alcohol and pity alcoholics
and yes they know it is a disease.
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