pmaslan

"Good looking smarmy men" I haven't heard that term in a long time....
made me laugh, I needed that today thanks Judy

ASpouse

I love that word "smarmy" ....... just don't have much of a chance to use it! When I was recruiting, I used it quite a bit!

sunshine003

I do put too much into that Judy, way too much into it and I'm not sure why. I realize the focus should be "why would *I* settle for this" or at least because of it, why am I not at peace with my decision to leave and I need to learn to let go of the guilt associated with my decision to leave. Until I decided to leave, my doubts were fleeting and I'd let them pass. Each incident, I treated as the one and only, not looking at the entire picture. Right now, I keep reliving all the lies in my head because it helps me stay focused on leaving....reminds me why I'm leaving while looking at the entire picture. It helps my guilt subside and I'm hoping it will help me put one foot in front of the other as I walk out the door and move. I think and I could be wrong, that because I'm moving so far away, it makes the guilt feel more because I know it will hurt him to not see his daughter daily. I also realize that once I leave, I will still have these feelings and need to learn how to put them in perspective, find peace and trust that I did the best thing for myself and my children. But for today, I need to not let the "entire picture" fade in my mind. It helps as I call movers, it helps when I hurt and think about how I'll miss him. Anger is something I never allow myself to feel, I bury it. By remembering his lies, I'm facing the anger and it's helping me leave. Thank you for your advice and insight though. It helps to hear how similiar others stories are to mine.

I am in counselling now and will remain in it when I move. I am a work in progress as I'm sure all of us are.

sunshine003

oh and I love the word too. Yeah, I'll stay away from smarmy men. For a LONG while, I am going to stay away from all men until I trust that *I* know the difference, LOL.

And I'm sorry I've hijacked this thread and turned it into my own therapy session, LOL. But it helped.

I reread why I said I loved him and if it were one of my friends saying all that about someone who had done some of the stuff my AH has done, I think I'd want to say, "BOO HOO>"

ASpouse

Exactly ..... when you look back and read what your reasons were/are, they seem a little "shallow" don't they? (Dam, I can't think of a better word). My question "why?" really does make you think about your own motives and feelings, it did the same for me.

If I could get you think and examine things, then I accomplished what I set out to do and that is trying to help others get past that "barrier" we co-de's call love ...... I call it an obstacle to well being in the name of love.

sunshine003

Thank you Judy. I can't way to be at a healither place, where I am able to express my feelings from a point of understanding them as well. The two sides, when I put them together, the question is no longer why do I love him but why do I stay or why do I want to or for heaven sake, why do I believe for a second that he loves me? Because he hugs a lot? or because he says really cute, sweet things?

Which is why I brought my first husband up. Not because there is a way to "go back" to him, there isn't and I wouldn't want to. But, he would have never treated our relationship with such disrespect, he would never stay out all night and then wonder why in the world I was upset. IT just wouldnt' have happened. Our marriage didn't work out because I was shallow as you worded it. I didn't see the greater good in what he offered me. The moral fiber that made him him, goes a long way. The moral fiber that makes up my AH I couldn't pinch with my finger tips, LOL

ASpouse

Ahhhhh, help me here! I want a different word than shallow and my mind is a complete blank ..... Sunshine, you are not shallow, nor are your feelings ..... I just can't think of a better word ....... someone help me here!

It's not only your words I refer to, it's everyone who posted to this thread, including myself, to go back and read and re-read what your "why" was. It's interesting stuff.

sunshine003

It is interesting.

I know what you mean about trying to find a different word. How about my reasons were very surfaced. When I listed all the attributes my first husband had, it didn't lack content. I didn't say he was cute or he touched me and it gave me butterflies, I said he was kind and caring and gentle and HONEST. He was worthy of trust, he is safe and stable, a good listner/provider. He loved our children and gave himself to them, he gave them his attention and his time.

When I listed why I loved AH everything was surfaced. I couldn't get into the depth of him and say, "he's honest and trust worthy.' I did NOT list those attributes.

ASpouse

I believe most times we own the answers to the very hard questions we ask. It's just a matter of how much we "trust" our own selves don't you think?

sunshine003

I believe I just learned that on this thread. I think looking at the difference between what I wrote about about my first husband and AH, something clicked in my head. I thought well look right there....I have to focus on that these next few weeks. I was sort of hurting yesterday and this has made that subside. Maybe, just maybe if I focus on what I learned in this thread, it won't feel like the end of the world when I leave as I seem to think it is going to. I think I just "detached" a little bit!

minnie

Superficial, perhaps?

Sunshine, you are showing such growth on this thread. And I believe that was the reason Judy started it in the first place.

I did the list thing too - and I realised that most of the positives were actually not things he WAS, they were things he DID in order to keep me in my place. For example, my ex would cook every night and run me a bath so that I could relax whilst he cooked. At first I loved it. It made me feel so special. But after a (long) time, I realised that a) he could drink as much as he liked, because I was out of the way, b) he had a ready-made "but look at all the things I do for you" justifcation and c) it lulled me into a false sense of security. Same with making me breakfast in bed - he could have a few tots whilst he was making it, gain brownie points and make sure downstairs was clean of any evidence from the night before when he was too sloshed to notice.

Very cynical.

sunshine003

oh my, I also just realized that I do NOT need to focus on his "lies" to get myself out the door....The answer is right there, I figured it out, FINALLY! His lies hurt me to rehash....the truth is, I'm leaving because he is not trust worthy, he lacks morals and would betray me any time the opportunity arises. Not because I'm not good enough but because this is who he is and he'll be this way (has been this way) for a LONG time. He makes the choices me makes because he isn't a good person. Maybe it's because he's an alcoholic but maybe it's just because he isn't a good person. He doesn't deserve my self doubt just as he doesn't deserve my trust.

sunshine003

Thank you minnie, I feel that I have also and a weight has sort of lifted and I hope it sticks.
I'm excited about what happened in this thread.

Minnie, I can't quite put my finger on what my
aH does to keep me in my place....I wish it was in the form of cooking and cleaning, LOL But he does things like that also, I shuddered when I read that.

minnie

Too fecking right.

*phew*

So much blaming the drink on these boards, when that isn't the issue at all. And THAT is one of the very good reasons why harping on about "disease" (particularly that of the family) is so very detrimental to all of us who have been touched by these issues. Oops, now THAT is a derailment, so I'll leave it there.

*addition* sunshine, there were many more things that he did that are just too subtle to put into words. I have come to realise that I was an object and he used me in whatever way he could to fulfill his own f*cked up needs. Even all these months later, I am still remembering things and thinking "$hit! THAT'S why he did that". It all about motive, in my book.

I am certainly not whiter than white in all of this, but all of that stuff is for another day.

ASpouse

If a thread like that should start, it could turn ugly quite quickly! Nope, I'll stay away from that one .....

I'm glad that this thread has helped you think through some tough issues for you ..... that's what it's all about, find the answers within ourselves and holding on to them until we are comfortable with them and they become who we are! I'm happy for you!

Have a wonderful evening ..... it's time for me to go home to my "other full time job!" LOL

CatsTail

I think with most of my relationships I wa sin love with the idea of what they could become rather than what they were.

I was also addicted to try to "change" them to what I happened them to be, addicted to trying to "help" them and addicting to trying to control the whole situation.

It wasn't love it was obsession and addiction.

Ngaire

ASpouse

You are very wise to recognize this Ngaire. I used to be like too to some degree, but it usually until after I got to know the person, then tried to change them or mold them into what I perceived their best side to be.

It helps to recognize it because then a person can change .... without recognition, there is no change.

Girlfriend

BINGO!!!

the two most abusive men in my life......ex H and xabf were.......Scorpio and Leo.

* I don't even believe in astrology, but it does "speak" sometimes, for sure"