Why?
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
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I've been reading the book "He's just not that into you" by Greg Bernhardt and I can tell you that I have excused every single behavior of my AH that's there! LOL!!!
Makes a gal shudder with embarrassment.
Makes a gal shudder with embarrassment.
It's a Puggle!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by ASpouse
As I said, I think co-dependents put too much emphasis/importance on love .... sort of like "love should prevent this, should help this" and from my experience anyway, it simply isn't so.
I think that is a very accurate statement. I was talking with my Aunt about co-dependance the other day. She was wondering how she came to be that way when she had no addiction in her home growing up. I told her I think that before we are co-dependant we are lifes optimists, we think love can cure the worlds problems. Addicts and abusers seek us out because they know that we will consistently look for the good in them, even if the only thing good about them is one tiny hair on their head, we'll find it and hope that it will grow ten feet long with our help.
I believe it's all circumstance, had I have been surrounded by a different group of people in my life I could have been Mother Theresa instead of Codie Paula.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello,
I guess this sums it up for me in so many words:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (NRSV, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
I guess this sums it up for me in so many words:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (NRSV, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Mr. Christian, I certainly agree with the biblical definition of love, however, my question is why? Why do co-dependents love their abusive, neglectful alcoholic spouses or significant others.
Why do you/did you feel that the love you have/had for your wife will be the cure-all/fix all for a relationship that wound up on rocky ground? I am interested in why we "co-dependents" think love with conquer all, without putting any amount of work into the relationship.
I feel love is the "foundation" for all things good ...... then building on the foundation or "love" should be the primary focus.
Why do you/did you feel that the love you have/had for your wife will be the cure-all/fix all for a relationship that wound up on rocky ground? I am interested in why we "co-dependents" think love with conquer all, without putting any amount of work into the relationship.
I feel love is the "foundation" for all things good ...... then building on the foundation or "love" should be the primary focus.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Paula, I agree. I became a co-dependent because of my upbringing and it so happened that I became involved with an alcoholic. I may instead have got involved with a gambler, or a widower, or someone with a disability, or someone else whose life I tought I could fix. As it is is, I have changed incredibly, but that urge is still there. What is very different now is that I channel it - into Al-anon, SR and I am now training to be a counsellor.
As for being targeted - I think that is very true and works both ways. I was targeted because I was a rescuer, but I also believe that emotional abusers seek out people with the qualities they wish they had and then work to obliterate them as some kind of power trip. I have just recently read a book called "Stalking the Soul" which expands on this in some depth. I was totally naive to the fact that I was involved with someone who was so deranged, because it didn't seem like it on the surface. It saddens me that I see the same behaviour described on these boards every week, but I know that it took me time to see the reality, so I can't expect that anyone else will be receptive to my views.
As for being targeted - I think that is very true and works both ways. I was targeted because I was a rescuer, but I also believe that emotional abusers seek out people with the qualities they wish they had and then work to obliterate them as some kind of power trip. I have just recently read a book called "Stalking the Soul" which expands on this in some depth. I was totally naive to the fact that I was involved with someone who was so deranged, because it didn't seem like it on the surface. It saddens me that I see the same behaviour described on these boards every week, but I know that it took me time to see the reality, so I can't expect that anyone else will be receptive to my views.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Before we can generate compassion and love, it is important to have a clear
understanding of what we understand compassion and love to be. In simple terms, compassion and love can be defined as positive thoughts and feelings that give rise to such essential things in life as hope, courage, determination, and inner strength.
understanding of what we understand compassion and love to be. In simple terms, compassion and love can be defined as positive thoughts and feelings that give rise to such essential things in life as hope, courage, determination, and inner strength.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Can I add another thought that really doesn't answer your question yet again Judy? I was thinking last night about why I love my H. I dated a variety of people before him, and I broke it off with some good guys and some "bad" guys too, none of which I ever fell in love with. He was my first. So what was the difference with him that made me fall in love with him? He told me from day one that he was a catch. He told me how cool he was. He told me how many women's hearts he'd broken but that he loved me. He told me he'd never loved anyone before or told anyone he loved them. He told me he was the best guy. How weird. I know that I have let people tell me what to do a LOT, and I know I still live by what I think I'm supposed to do. I am easily influenced unless it goes directly against what I've been brainwashed to think is wrong. So I believed him. I believed that he was a catch. I believed that he was cool. I believed it all. And how could I not go forth and marry him when here it was, love? Not because I decided it so, but because he did. How weird. Fast forward to today...he still tells me that he does nothing wrong, he still tells me that I do everything wrong, he still tells me that he is the best catch, he still tells me all of these things. I guess I've always been this way. My mom tells me all the time what a great mom she was and how she sacrificed everything for me. So I always say I had the perfect mom. But if I really think and remember, she yelled at me all the time. Horrible yelling. Yes, she still did great mom things and did sacrifice a lot for me. But it's not the exact situation she tells me it was. How do I learn to figure out what I want? I don't have a clue! I've always wanted what someone else wants for me.
OK, I went totally off subject! Sorry! This really did make me think about a lot of things.
OK, I went totally off subject! Sorry! This really did make me think about a lot of things.
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Good TG ..... I think if you re-read your post, your answers will be right there for you over time.
From what I can gather from your words (these and others) is you are a follower not a leader. So I suppose you have to look at those behaviors that make you a follower (which is not a bad thing at all) and decide which ones to keep and which ones to change or eliminate from your "character profile" as you see it.
I have to tell you, when I was dating, if someone told me he was a catch, or he was cool, or how lucky I was to "catch" him when other women couldn't, I kick him in the groin, call him a conceited jackass and tell him to get lost! Then I'd tell him how lucky he was to be dating me, not the other way around. How pompous, arrogant and conceited can your husband possibly be? Yikes, would I just LUV to meet him and knock his little smarmy butt down a notch or two.
Nothing personal, just don't care much for guys that are like that is all.
From what I can gather from your words (these and others) is you are a follower not a leader. So I suppose you have to look at those behaviors that make you a follower (which is not a bad thing at all) and decide which ones to keep and which ones to change or eliminate from your "character profile" as you see it.
I have to tell you, when I was dating, if someone told me he was a catch, or he was cool, or how lucky I was to "catch" him when other women couldn't, I kick him in the groin, call him a conceited jackass and tell him to get lost! Then I'd tell him how lucky he was to be dating me, not the other way around. How pompous, arrogant and conceited can your husband possibly be? Yikes, would I just LUV to meet him and knock his little smarmy butt down a notch or two.
Nothing personal, just don't care much for guys that are like that is all.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
oh and my ah is a bit like tg describes. He's always told me why he is a good catch, how he loves me more than anyone else could. Aspouse, maybe you could meet mine and do that to him also. My favorite thing is how he tells me (as if it's a joke and funny but be BELIEVES it) that I won the jackpot...afterall, not many men like him would be with a single mom. Everyone knows that single moms have to lower their expectations a bit....they have to go for the less attractive sort of nerdy man. Not the good looking, money making on e that he is, LOL!
Now that I have another child and will be a single mom here shortly, I guess not many out there will want much with me besides a one night stand (or so AH would say)
Now that I have another child and will be a single mom here shortly, I guess not many out there will want much with me besides a one night stand (or so AH would say)
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Because I sort of get a sixth sense about people and usually I am quite good at it.
He is always "on" ....... he is always "selling himself/his product (in your case himself)" and when you mix alcohol/drugs with that personality type, then you have someone who is always selling, not comfortable unless they are selling, always being the life of the party, always "drawing" all attention to themselves, sort of like the "hook, line and sinker" of the business world type people.
I recognize those folks so quickly I have fun knocking them down a peg or two and sending them home or back to the office with their tails between their legs.
My guess is TexasGirl's husband is into some sort of sales also.
Understand this does not excuse his behavior or drinking ..... it was just something that glared out at me. He certainly does not sound like someone who is humble, he sounds as if he really believes he is invincible ..... how sad for him.
He is always "on" ....... he is always "selling himself/his product (in your case himself)" and when you mix alcohol/drugs with that personality type, then you have someone who is always selling, not comfortable unless they are selling, always being the life of the party, always "drawing" all attention to themselves, sort of like the "hook, line and sinker" of the business world type people.
I recognize those folks so quickly I have fun knocking them down a peg or two and sending them home or back to the office with their tails between their legs.
My guess is TexasGirl's husband is into some sort of sales also.
Understand this does not excuse his behavior or drinking ..... it was just something that glared out at me. He certainly does not sound like someone who is humble, he sounds as if he really believes he is invincible ..... how sad for him.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
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he does think he is invincible and it is sad. He's often said he should be dead by now because of how many chances hes taken...drinking way too much, driving, etc. But, that is one of his greatness stories. He does always have to be the life of the party, all that you described. I would like to borrow your sixth sense for a bit please.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Ha! That's funny...mine sells houses!
But he was not in sales at the time we met. Maybe just hadn't found his groove...
Mine is kind of the cute cocky. Not the jacka** cocky.
Though he can be a non-cocky jacka** too!
But he was not in sales at the time we met. Maybe just hadn't found his groove...
Mine is kind of the cute cocky. Not the jacka** cocky.
Though he can be a non-cocky jacka** too!
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My BIL is a salesman, he has made himself and my sister quite wealthy and comfortable. He is not a drinker however, but a workaholic. I don't think I've seen him more than a beer at any one function. I love him dearly, but the man is so uncomfortable if he is not "on" or selling something.
When you have a conversation with him, it always always always goes back to selling, making money, figuring, scheming and coming up with ways to sell more, to make more. Last time I saw him he was asking me questions about people I worked with (sales folks to some degree) and I asked him to knock it off and if he could PUH LEEZE just have a normal conversation with me. Guess what? He couldn't because he wasn't "selling", he wasn't "on".
This is nothing relevant, just wanted to share this story is all.
When you have a conversation with him, it always always always goes back to selling, making money, figuring, scheming and coming up with ways to sell more, to make more. Last time I saw him he was asking me questions about people I worked with (sales folks to some degree) and I asked him to knock it off and if he could PUH LEEZE just have a normal conversation with me. Guess what? He couldn't because he wasn't "selling", he wasn't "on".
This is nothing relevant, just wanted to share this story is all.
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