Kt54

I started dating an alcoholic 8 months ago. I didn't know he was at the time. He told me shortly into the relationship but said he was trying to quit and I naively didn't realise how bad it was. I stayed because I loved him and we still had great times together, and I always believed/hoped he would get better. We met each others families. He became very down and overdosed on pills earlier this year, a week out of hospital and he was drinking again. Very depressed... Kept saying he didn't want to be here. I deserved better. Questioning why I stayed. Almost resigned himself to the fact he was going to lose everything due to his addiction. A few weeks ago he ended things, telling me he loved me and I'm the only person who has ever seen the real him etc but he was the only person who could save him and he needed time alone to do that. I respected his wishes, but was heartbroken. He said he always wants me in his life and suggested we meet for a coffee at some point. He called me a week later to check in and we had a catch up about life, he'd said he had cut down with his drinking and was focusing on work and despite his head being a mess I'd been his best friend for the past 6 months and he'd still like to go for a coffee. I told him to let me know when he was ready.
This was 10 days ago. This afternoon, he's posting on Instagram out drinking, wine tasting and shots and tagging a girl.
Was everything he said a lie??!!
How can he have moved on so quickly?
I was there for him through everything. Drove him to a&e when he overdosed. Sat with him whilst he cried about his life. Did that mean nothing?
I'm struggling to get my head around the person I thought he was.... Kind and caring, but had the misfortune to become an addict and this man now who is tagging this new girl all over Instagram and drinking with her. He knows I will see that. How can be so cruel after everything we've been through?

Bekindalways

Oh man that beyond sucks. Also glad you found us. Relationships with alcoholics is tricky. Ugh.

He probably cared for you as much as he was capable of caring for anyone; however if he is an alcoholic, his first and only love is alcohol, No one, not you, not this new girl will ever compete with alcohol. It is just how they are.

Please learn everything your can about alcoholics and codependents. Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More is a good read.

Also please take care of yourself. This kind of thing can hurt beyond hurt.

Courage and strength to you fine person.

trailmix

I'm so sorry you got hurt like this Kt54.

Was everything he said a lie? I'm sure he loved you as much or as well as he can love someone, as Bekind mentioned. What you see love as being, may not line up at all with how he sees it or feels it. Because he probably doesn't feel too much of anything, perhaps sadness, anger?

If you have ever drank, you know that alcohol depresses feelings, so for instance if you had a bad day at work, 2-3 drinks and you may be feeling just fine! An alcoholic doesn't have to deal with every little feeling because they are drunk, so it can all be pretty dysfunctional.

I take it you were just wanting some kind of "normal" relationship, maybe he could quit drinking (alcoholics can't drink btw, not even one, if they want to stay sober and work on recovery - two different things), you two could move forward in your relationship etc etc.

You and he probably discussed (maybe often) him quitting, getting help. Thing is, he obviously doesn't want to quit, so where does that leave the relationship?: What he may want, in his more sober moments, perhaps a wife, family, house, good job, whatever that may be, he knows he can't have that, not as long as he continues to drink. So I'm going to guess that's why the relationship ended.

How can he move on so fast? Well his investment is in the drinking, his first love, above everything and everyone else. So he's out doing shots and flirting with women, that's his thing apparently. The new, relationship - or whatever it is, won't be any "better" than yours was.

While it's very sad for you, at least it didn't drag on for years. That will not make you feel any better right now, but it will later on. You will heal, it is going to take time though. Try to stay busy, be around friends, family (even if you don't really want to). I know it seems terrible to hang out with people when you are feeling down, but they will understand and care and want to help you get through this.

I hope you will keep posting as well.

Kt54

Thank you for your replies. I just keep going over everything in my head, it's hard to process and I struggle with how it could seem so good, despite the addiction, and now it's over.
I need to remember it wasn't all good though. Far from it, and it wasn't sustainable long term. I'm forever an optimist and did always think that at some point, it would get better. I wish I had left at the start 😭

trailmix

Yes! If everyone left at the start this forum would be very quiet. You didn't know what you didn't know about alcoholism until - you did. That's not a fault, who does really unless they are forced to?

The thing is, not all alcoholics are monsters or people living under a bridge. Even if they are living under a bridge, not necessarily bad people, in general.

When the alcohol is running the show though, is it the person or the alcoholic brain you are talking to? Well in truth it doesn't matter, the result to you is the same.

Remembering the less that good times is actually very important for your healing. It is much easier to think of the "good times" and when he said this and when we went there and how much fun that was. It's a good idea to write a list, something short and sweet and refer to it as often as you need to when you start going down the "I miss him, it wasn't all bad" road. Something like:

- Missed a lot of things because he was too drunk or hung over
- Lied
- Tended to isolate with his alcohol
- Very rarely asked about my feelings or what I wanted, in life and in general
- Would only go to places that served alcohol
- Always had to sit at the bar so service would be faster
- Spent money on alcohol instead of on things we could do together
- Would go silent for days

You get the idea. Not sure if any of those apply, but once you really start thinking about it, you will probably have quite a list in no time.

This isn't to reflect on him negatively for no reason. This is to remind yourself. The mind doesn't really like dwelling on things like that.

trailmix

How are you doing today Kt?

suki44883

Welcome to SR, Kt54. I'm sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, what has happened to you isn't unusual. Often, the addict will find it easier to move on to someone new, who doesn't know about their addictions. Someone they can hide these things from for a while, like he did with you, at first. But, it's hard to keep up that facade for long. As with you, he finally admitted his alcoholism. Now you know, and he may feel like he can't truly be himself, which includes drinking. Addicts just naturally try to find the easiest way to continue using/drinking.

It doesn't mean he didn't care for you or lied about his feelings for you. If he has moved on, it really has nothing at all to do with you. What it does mean is that he is not ready to quit drinking, and rather than face you with the truth, he is distancing himself.

Kt54

Thank you so much for the responses, and for checking in. It helps so much to hear other people's opinions and perspectives. It makes it easier for sure. I am trying to tell myself it isn't about me. It is who he is.
I blocked him on social media this morning and I already felt a little better.
But then today he messaged me asking to meet for a coffee!

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venuscat

If I were you, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't talk to him at all unless he gets sober, and maybe not even then. Right now, he is just going to apologise and tell you that you mean the world to him and that he is trying to get sober. But he isn't.

The new relationship is most likely a party bond, two people using and drinking together until they crash. But that is just an explanation, so you can move on from this without wondering how he could be this way.

I am sorry this happened to you; you absolutely deserve better, and I am sure you will find it. s

trailmix

Whether you go or not is, of course, totally up to you, but I wouldn't.

I'm going to guess that meeting you for coffee is a lot more about making himself feel less bad about - himself! Rather than apologizing for being an ass - which he has been.

He will probably poor out his feelings of feeling terrible about himself, how he doesn't want to be this way but it's so difficult and etc etc. All that may be true, but where do you fit in to that?

Well you don't, addiction is selfish. He loves alcohol more than you, more than his family and friends, probably more than himself. It is the nature and compulsion of addiction.

Whether you do or don't, please keep in mind those pictures and how it made you feel - that's him or at least part of him.

You can't separate the alcoholic from the guy who is nice sometimes. He is one person, the good and the bad and it would seem the bad is pretty damn bad.

Bekindalways

Going no contact with my qualifier was the only way I could get away and start to heal. It was super hard as I was crazy in love with him (emphasis on the "crazy").

Unfortunately he will probably continue to contact you and his motives for doing so are probably self serving. You are unlikely to get any healing closure from such a meeting just new hurt and more confusion.

Strength to you you fine person. Keep checking in.

PS: no judgement here if you do meet with him. I went back many times.

LucyIntheGarden

As Toby Rice Drews says in her brilliant book "Getting Them Sober," : It's Hard to Lose An Alcoholic.

They keep coming back. Days, weeks or years later.

I'd watch out for lines like "I don't deserve you" if you decide to have that coffee.

suki44883

I'm reminded of something I've seen here several times over the years...No new contact, no new hurt.

velma929

I once met an old boyfriend for lunch.
Over lunch (!) he apologized for our sex life. "Susie" had taught him to be so free and express himself. He was enjoying sex soooo much more now.

You do you. I wouldn't waste my time.

For the sake on not letting him live rent free in your head, you may want to forgive him [not soon, but someday]. You don't have to tell him or anyone else - the forgiveness would be about YOUR head and heart. This is totally separate from any sort of apology. Some people never apologize, some do and don't mean it.

Kt54

You guys really are amazing! Thank for for all your replies.
So, I did think I would meet him for a coffee, I'm not really fully sure why and I was very away it was probably a bad idea.
But he cancelled on me and sent me a pic as of to back up his reason why. He messaged a bit asking if I was ok etc.
I actually feel content that I didn't bring up the pics from the weekend (why show I am bothered?) but also, my over riding thought is... What does any of it matter? He's clearly not yet willing to get help for his addiction or if he does, it is half hearted so I could never be with him anyway, and thank god, as someone mentioned earlier in this thread, that this has happened after months and not years.
I do feel in an ok place, I know this may change as I have been very up and down but, I deserve better xx

Bekindalways

Kt54, you are an individual of rare wisdom, not that this get you out of the situation free of grief. More pain will probably come your way in the next weeks and months; however it is huge that you have been so quick to grasp what this is all about.

And yes, many of us spent way more time trying to figure out the realities of being in love with an alcoholic. It is so contra-intuitive and the usual compassion, understanding and selflessness that is necessary in a non alcoholic relationship, is often misplaced with addicts unwilling to get into recovery.

trailmix

I was just going to say what Bekind said, before I read her reply - you are wise.

This is it exactly. While he may be wishing he wanted to quit, it really doesn't matter because that doesn't help you or your relationship. Nothing has changed.

We see this a lot here. Alcoholic breaks up with the person - I need to work on myself, I need to be alone etc. When generally, it comes to pass that they just want to keep drinking and they can't do that with someone they have told they are going to quit.

It's a struggle for him, but nothing you can help him with and nothing you say or do is going to make him want to take action (as you wisely know).

You will find a relationship where the person treats you with kindness and respect and has your best interests at heart, this just wasn't the one.

toomanychances

You are so lucky you only invested months! It is hard either way - but I've been dealing with chaos for 8 years... I could kick myself. You are strong and you definitely deserve better.

Kt54

I didn't think I was wise. I feel stupid for believing things could be different! But like you've said, I didn't know, until I knew.

Thank you for your replies and I'm sorry you are all going through what you are going through too. I'm grateful I found this forum!

Today I feel a little out of sorts but that is just because of the contact yesterday. I know nothing has changed, I could even tell yesterday when he was messaging that he'd had a drink (I think). There's never much of a 2 way conversation, more like statements, which I think I brushed off in the beginning. I think I brushed a lot off, thinking about it.

I literally had no boundaries and I'm sad to say that if he hadn't have ended things, I think I would have put up with anything from him. And I'm not sure why? I thought I knew my worth and loved myself. But do I? I think actually I just want to be loved and needed, and that's how he made me feel.

Bekindalways

Pretty normal to feel off after contact. Sadly he will likely reach out again.

I so relate to the wanted to be loved and needed. I have found that there are layers to my relationship with myself and I'm always trying to get better. Some characteristics I have, I can't seem to change but live the best I can around this quirk.

Carry on good person!