Trying to date again/ St Patrick’s Day
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Join Date: Jun 2020
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Trying to date again/ St Patrick’s Day
I divorced my AH about 5 years ago. Since then have really gotten a much better understanding about alcohols effects. I used to have drinks because everyone else did. Now I maybe have a single drink every 3 months or so. I just have no interest.
I am finally trying to date after divorce, pandemic, mothers illness and passing. Time for me now.
But I feel suspicious of peoples drinking before I even meet them. And I have no idea if this is normal. I have been texting with one man for a week or two. Haven’t met yet. He texted today that he’s out at a bar celebrating St Patrick’s Day and that he “needs to watch his texts”. We are on our early 50s.
My mind immediately goes to past experiences. My first instinct is to run because of this. But I don’t even really know what he’s doing/how much he’s drinking or how much he drinks otherwise. I’m probably getting ahead of myself on this. But I just don’t know the difference between trusting my gut and overreacting given my past experiences with alcoholics.
Any advice?
I struggle with St Patrick’s Day because I see it now as just an excuse to get drunk. And it’s not just today. There are irish festivals, parades, the actual day. And for the people I know, all those center around drinking. But maybe for some it’s not just for drinking and I’m overreacting. My ex is 100% Irish. So I’ve found myself trending away from all things irish since I equate it with so much drinking.
I am finally trying to date after divorce, pandemic, mothers illness and passing. Time for me now.
But I feel suspicious of peoples drinking before I even meet them. And I have no idea if this is normal. I have been texting with one man for a week or two. Haven’t met yet. He texted today that he’s out at a bar celebrating St Patrick’s Day and that he “needs to watch his texts”. We are on our early 50s.
My mind immediately goes to past experiences. My first instinct is to run because of this. But I don’t even really know what he’s doing/how much he’s drinking or how much he drinks otherwise. I’m probably getting ahead of myself on this. But I just don’t know the difference between trusting my gut and overreacting given my past experiences with alcoholics.
Any advice?
I struggle with St Patrick’s Day because I see it now as just an excuse to get drunk. And it’s not just today. There are irish festivals, parades, the actual day. And for the people I know, all those center around drinking. But maybe for some it’s not just for drinking and I’m overreacting. My ex is 100% Irish. So I’ve found myself trending away from all things irish since I equate it with so much drinking.
Last edited by Freshstart1111; 03-17-2024 at 02:33 PM. Reason: Clarify title
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Maybe stay away from the Irish! I'm kidding!
Well, I'm of Irish descent but I'm not drinking today. I don't drink because it's "a day to drink" but I can understand some people doing that, the celebration thing.
“needs to watch his texts”
What the heck does that mean? So he doesn't say anything - wrong?
But to address what your concerns are, I would wish him a happy St Patrick's day and a happy life and be done with him.
Well, I'm of Irish descent but I'm not drinking today. I don't drink because it's "a day to drink" but I can understand some people doing that, the celebration thing.
“needs to watch his texts”
What the heck does that mean? So he doesn't say anything - wrong?
But to address what your concerns are, I would wish him a happy St Patrick's day and a happy life and be done with him.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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It's understandable that you will be sensitive to things like this simply because you lived with an alcoholic. While this guy may not be an alcoholic, the fact that he went to a bar to drink and celebrate St. Patrick's Day did trigger you. Maybe you are being over sensitive, but at the same time, I am a firm believer in trusting my gut. There is no rush to find a great guy, so maybe this is one you should just let go?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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I'm 60-something. My boss is around 50. I didn't go out on St Paddy's, and she and her husband didn't have plans, either. In the past, (the very distant past) I did. I was probably someone's designated driver. I may have nursed a beer for two hours and gone home alone.
Your' 'radar' may serve you well. There was one fellow I dated for about a month. Weirdly, if someone looked at our hobbies and interests on paper, we'd be a match. I was pretty quick to pick up on his habits: wanted to commit really quickly, *needed* alcohol around. The drinking caused things to happen that attracted my attention - even though we were long-distance. He drank too much one evening when I was at his home. He had trouble fixing dinner. (It was sandwiches. Granted, the sandwiches were Reubens, so several ingredients and grilling was involved, but still.)
There was a man who drank an entire six-pack while we were out in a boat. No chance of a second date: His rejection email was on my computer by the time I got home. He thought we didn't have a lot in common. No kidding.
When I found Chapter Two guy, it was clear from the start he didn't have an issue. Having been through the wringer once, I knew the signs.
People do other things in bars - he may be someone's DD, he may be playing darts (Is that still a thing?) he may not have wanted to sound like a stick-in-the-mud. He might have a problem. People who have never lived with an addict never have to learn the signs. Everyone hear has had to.
Your' 'radar' may serve you well. There was one fellow I dated for about a month. Weirdly, if someone looked at our hobbies and interests on paper, we'd be a match. I was pretty quick to pick up on his habits: wanted to commit really quickly, *needed* alcohol around. The drinking caused things to happen that attracted my attention - even though we were long-distance. He drank too much one evening when I was at his home. He had trouble fixing dinner. (It was sandwiches. Granted, the sandwiches were Reubens, so several ingredients and grilling was involved, but still.)
There was a man who drank an entire six-pack while we were out in a boat. No chance of a second date: His rejection email was on my computer by the time I got home. He thought we didn't have a lot in common. No kidding.
When I found Chapter Two guy, it was clear from the start he didn't have an issue. Having been through the wringer once, I knew the signs.
People do other things in bars - he may be someone's DD, he may be playing darts (Is that still a thing?) he may not have wanted to sound like a stick-in-the-mud. He might have a problem. People who have never lived with an addict never have to learn the signs. Everyone hear has had to.
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Freshstart, I get it. For a long time I was triggered by complete strangers' drinking habits. I realized even then that I was being overly sensitive and that other people's choices were not my concern...however!...my instincts were still on high alert..and for good reason. I think that's OK. I think that's normal after trauma. If there is a part of you that wants to use extra caution around people that consume alcohol, that is valid and fair. That's part of your self care for right now. Maybe you won't always feel this way, maybe you will, what's important is that you surround yourself with people who don't trigger your anxieties. I don't think it's judgmental to decide that you just aren't compatible with someone (friend, family, romance, whatever) for whatever reason. Life is too short to to be forcing relationships that are uncomfortable at best and dangerous at worst.
I'm healed enough now that I don't have a panic response around alcoholics anymore. I'm grateful for that because unfortunately there are still a few in my life. Erecting and maintaining boundaries has been the saving grace for me.
You are being self aware and I think that's great!
I'm healed enough now that I don't have a panic response around alcoholics anymore. I'm grateful for that because unfortunately there are still a few in my life. Erecting and maintaining boundaries has been the saving grace for me.
You are being self aware and I think that's great!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
My spouse is the alcoholic, but honestly up to the point that my wife went into rehab...I drank my share. It wasn't something I talked about in Al-Anon meetings for a long time, and I went 7 years without having a drink, and still rarely drink. I think that qualifies me as being "not an alcoholic," but I worried about that for a while. That's my experience.
Here are my thoughts on your situation: Absolutely, trust your gut. You may miss out on a few good guys, but frankly, you're going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Might as well stack the odds in your favor. (Note: If you latch on to the first, or the second, or the third guy that comes along...you may not be doing "dating" right. Sorry.)
You should be aware, the craving for alcohol is just one symptom of being an alcoholic. You're going to meet guys that are currently not drinking, or who hide their drinking, or who are ex-addicts, or who are gamblers, or who are sex addicts, etc. etc. etc. Especially if you come from a family with a history of alcoholism, you may just be attracted to alcoholics. I think I may be, but I've only been married once, so who knows?!
I once heard the spouse of an alcoholic, in recovery, say that she'd decided to stick with him because the odds were that she'd just marry another alcoholic anyway. Her solution was to attend Al-Anon meetings, learn everything she could about alcoholism, boundaries, detachment...etc. Maybe that person's story stuck with me because it reflected my own.
Here are my thoughts on your situation: Absolutely, trust your gut. You may miss out on a few good guys, but frankly, you're going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Might as well stack the odds in your favor. (Note: If you latch on to the first, or the second, or the third guy that comes along...you may not be doing "dating" right. Sorry.)
You should be aware, the craving for alcohol is just one symptom of being an alcoholic. You're going to meet guys that are currently not drinking, or who hide their drinking, or who are ex-addicts, or who are gamblers, or who are sex addicts, etc. etc. etc. Especially if you come from a family with a history of alcoholism, you may just be attracted to alcoholics. I think I may be, but I've only been married once, so who knows?!
I once heard the spouse of an alcoholic, in recovery, say that she'd decided to stick with him because the odds were that she'd just marry another alcoholic anyway. Her solution was to attend Al-Anon meetings, learn everything she could about alcoholism, boundaries, detachment...etc. Maybe that person's story stuck with me because it reflected my own.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Definitely listen to your gut! As friends and family of alcoholics we have to be very aware of when we are turning a blind eye or downplaying red flags. It's a slippery slope.
Have you been working on yourself in terms of relationships? Because I was so tuned in to people;s drinking that I thought I had made a great choice in my exH because he was not a heavy drinker or addict. Ha! I thought I had avoided the big problem. But it turned out, I still had so many codependent tendencies, I continued a dynamic in that relationship of wishing he would change, of not acknowledging his emotional unavailability, his financial irresponsibility, etc. I was laser focused on getting him to change and sure that he was the problem.
After our divorce I spent a good year in therapy before dating anyone seriously again. Unraveled even more layers of the onion of alcoholic relationship dynamics I had learned at my mother's knee and got to a much better state of mind for committing to a relationship. I had a lot to learn even though I thought I had done so much work in AlAnon and I didn't choose an A, I recreated the dynamic really well LOL!!
So trust your Alcoholic radar! By also keeping the focus on your peace of mind, your dreams, and your goals, hopefully you will find a satisfying relationship that has normal ups and downs - not the insanity of loving an A partner.
The work of recovery is ongoing for me as a codie; it has gotten much easier as I have been flexing the healthier mental muscles and using the tools I learned in AlAnon and therapy...but I can still have this dangerous impulse to "help" people who didn't ask for my help!!
Peace,
B
P.S. I'm 100% Irish and spent St Patty's at parades and parties and listening to live music; had a blast, didn't drink and most of my friends didn't either :-)
It's always bothered me that so many ppl use it as an excuse to get blasted and I definitely avoid certain places and family members where the alcohol is paramount to the celebration. Alcohol abuse really ruins a lot of things!!!
Have you been working on yourself in terms of relationships? Because I was so tuned in to people;s drinking that I thought I had made a great choice in my exH because he was not a heavy drinker or addict. Ha! I thought I had avoided the big problem. But it turned out, I still had so many codependent tendencies, I continued a dynamic in that relationship of wishing he would change, of not acknowledging his emotional unavailability, his financial irresponsibility, etc. I was laser focused on getting him to change and sure that he was the problem.
After our divorce I spent a good year in therapy before dating anyone seriously again. Unraveled even more layers of the onion of alcoholic relationship dynamics I had learned at my mother's knee and got to a much better state of mind for committing to a relationship. I had a lot to learn even though I thought I had done so much work in AlAnon and I didn't choose an A, I recreated the dynamic really well LOL!!
So trust your Alcoholic radar! By also keeping the focus on your peace of mind, your dreams, and your goals, hopefully you will find a satisfying relationship that has normal ups and downs - not the insanity of loving an A partner.
The work of recovery is ongoing for me as a codie; it has gotten much easier as I have been flexing the healthier mental muscles and using the tools I learned in AlAnon and therapy...but I can still have this dangerous impulse to "help" people who didn't ask for my help!!
Peace,
B
P.S. I'm 100% Irish and spent St Patty's at parades and parties and listening to live music; had a blast, didn't drink and most of my friends didn't either :-)
It's always bothered me that so many ppl use it as an excuse to get blasted and I definitely avoid certain places and family members where the alcohol is paramount to the celebration. Alcohol abuse really ruins a lot of things!!!
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