trailmix

I think it's great you are thinking about this and I think those feelings are so normal. Who doesn't want to be loved and needed?

The thing is, I believe, that sometimes, once we receive that, or really before, we never question what we want and need. Which isn't to say we all need to be hard hearted and conniving, writing a list of what our potential partners should have, but I think it's a good idea to have boundaries and at least a basic overview of what suits us, as people, before we date.

For instance, maybe you are a person that likes a lot of outward shows of affection, like flowers and something special on your birthday and thoughtfulness. When you find a potential partner (early on) is that the kind of person who does these types of things? Maybe you like hugs and holding hands and need lots of affection, are they anti PDA? So those are just a couple of examples of the "things" that someone might need. What do you like to do, travel? Well they better be a traveller then.

Then there are the more concrete ones like:

- Must have a job and be financially stable
- Cannot be an addict (recovered or not, that's up to you)
- Must have a car
- No criminal record

And whatever else you feel is really important to you. These all seem pretty basic, but if we don't ask ourselves these questions I think we can fall in to relationships that will perhaps never have us feeling truly content.

Kt54

Thank you. I order the Melody Beattie Codependant book today as recommended above. I think I want to start working on myself.
​​​​​​Had a few wobbles today, looking back at old photos. He'd had a drink in all of them.

Bekindalways

How are you doing today K?

Grief can be such a roller coaster.

I hope you enjoy Melody Beatties book. She was an addict before getting in a relationship with an alcoholic so what we call a "double winner". Tongue in cheek of course.

Keep taking care of yourself as well as taking that next right step no matter how small.

Kt54

Thank you so much for checking in. It really is a roller coaster... One minute I'm ok, the next I'm a mess!
Had a tough morning to be honest, was in a bit of a daze thinking about stuff and couldn't pull myself out of it no matter how I tried.
He then rang me out of the blue and we had a chat about things. He was down, telling me he isn't ok, he'll never be better etc. It was a tough convo. But all it really did was reinforce what I already know - that we can never be together. He'll be drinking himself into oblivion this evening. And that isn't my problem anymore. As sad as it is for him.
He gets defensive whenever I try to put my point of view across about something, he never seems to be able to see things from my (or anyone else's?) point of view. Almost made me start to question myself and apologise for pissing him off! He did that a few times in the relationship actually.
I still want to hear from him though 😭
​​​​​​

trailmix

When an alcoholic gets a drink, it's a relief. It's making him or her feel better for a little while (in general). That's true of all addictions, shopping, heroin or gambling.

The thing is, it's a false "fix", because it's so short term.

That's kind of akin to what you are going through. You know absolutely this is never going to work and you are hurt, really hurt. Then he calls, or texts and for a few minutes or hours you feel better. He does care! He contacted me! But that wears off, just like the alcohol until you are in contact again and then you start that circle again.

Stopping this is short term pain for the long term gain (which is hard, but perhaps better than letting yourself be hurt over and over again).

Bernadette

I literally had no boundaries and I'm sad to say that if he hadn't have ended things, I think I would have put up with anything from him. And I'm not sure why? I thought I knew my worth and loved myself. But do I? I think actually I just want to be loved and needed, and that's how he made me feel.

Sorry for what you're going through Kt54.

These sentences jumped out at me as perfect statements to bring to a therapist and ask, "What is up with ME?"

As painful as all the things my A family has put me through, it is that pain that has driven me to seek and accept help, to open my mind and heart to figuring out who the hell I am and what I want out of life, and to learn to use some new emotional tools to help me keep the focus on my peace of mind, which makes EVERYTHING in my life ( and in my relationships) better and healthier.

I am so grateful to AlAnon, this forum, and the various therapists I've had over the years for providing so much support, so much insigh,t and so many approaches to unraveling the twisted mess that being in a family of alcoholics creates. Keep on reaching out and learnin' and growin'!!
Peace,
B.

Kt54

QUOTE "That's kind of akin to what you are going through. You know absolutely this is never going to work and you are hurt, really hurt. Then he calls, or texts and for a few minutes or hours you feel better. He does care! He contacted me! But that wears off, just like the alcohol until you are in contact again and then you start that circle again."

- I've never really thought about it like this before. But you are totally right xx