Zewrty5309

My husband has a long history of alcohol and drug use. Every lent he would quite drinking and it was wonderful. He has been trying the "California Sober" (aka. Demi Lovato) program where you can drink a little and smoke pot. It seemed to work great for about 6 months. However, I came home early from work the other day to find him past out drunk in the back yard. He was cutting the grass and claims it was just heat stroke. The neighbors told me that he was completely intoxicated, stumbling around and was ranting about politics with them. I'm now back to hunting down where his bottle of whiskey and vodka are. In the past he would hide vodka and fill his windshield wiper fluid with it. He has 2 DUI's but the first one was back in the 90's. A therapist told me that it's not good to be the Booze Police but it's the only time he will admit to being drunk is when I find the empties and shove them in his face. It's so satisfying to see him busted and twist in the wind.
I know a good suggestion is for him to hit some AA meetings but he hates them and claims that it's a dangerous cult and is filled with homeless people or ex-convicts.To be fair, there were a group of tough looking men chain smoking the last time I dropped him off at one. We live in a completely legal marijuana State and would be okay if he could just stick to pot. I have a medical marijuana card for a serious illness and mainly take edibles. I suspect with him though that pot leads him back to the booze. I put part of the blame on liquor store clerks and owners who knowingly sell booze to him. We put drug dealers in prison. One look at him and you can tell he drinks heavily. Our teenagers are afraid to bring home friends because they never know if he will be sober or not. One of my daughter's friends no longer is able to come to our house due to a prior incident.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith in God. I am at a lost as to what to do? I've been considering sending him packing and he can stay with his brother or a motel for a while. The house is so much more peaceful without him in it. Sorry that this turned out so long. Thank you for reading.

Anna

Welcome! I'm sorry for your situation.

Does your husband want to stop drinking? If he is not motivated to stop drinking, there is not a lot you can do. The therapist who told you it's not good being the Booze Police is absolutely right. It may seem satisfying to you in the moment to see him caught, but it doesn't really help him or you. In the same vein, it's not up to liquor store clerks or owners to not sell alcohol to him. He may look like he drinks heavily, but alcohol is legal, and it's up to your husband to decide to not buy it.

My suggestion is to create boundaries for yourself and your teenage children, keeping in mind that boundaries are not rules for your husband. Also, AlAnon in your town or city would be a good support for you and there is lots of support for you in this forum. I hope that you can find some peace.

venuscat

I would send him packing—Anna is a lot nicer than me.

Demi Lovato changed her mind, decided that was a cop-out, and she is now 100% sober. And I think anyone using that smoke-a-bit drink-a-bit model is fooling themselves and no one else.

Your husband needs to decide if he wants to get sober and be a part of his family, and until he does that, you need to run things and make the best decisions for you and your kids. s

Zewrty5309

[QUOTE=Anna;8036669]Welcome! I'm sorry for your situation.

Does your husband want to stop drinking? If he is not motivated to stop drinking, there is not a lot you can do. The therapist who told you it's not good being the Booze Police is absolutely right. It may seem satisfying to you in the moment to see him caught, but it doesn't really help him or you. In the same vein, it's not up to liquor store clerks or owners to not sell alcohol to him. He may look like he drinks heavily, but alcohol is legal, and it's up to your husband to decide to not buy it.

^^^Liquor store clerks have a a duty though not to sell to intoxicated customers. The closest one enables him by keeping his favorite liquor in the freezer in back. I put an Apple Air tag hidden in his car and can follow it when he drives to the liquor store. It is the only way he will admit to drinking. I have been to a few Alanon meetings but felt uncomfortable because of my medical marijuana usage even though it's from a legit specialist. People always say that the spouse or parent "enables" the alcoholic but I think society does also. We don't even jail drug addicts anymore. I don't really buy the whole disease concept. My State had some of most strictest covid closures and mask mandates in the U.S. and I think it's taken a toll on everyone here. My husband was allowed to work from home completely drunk. Covid experts kept telling us to isolate to keep others safe. We were considered "heroes" for staying at home and my husband loved it. He still wears the mask just to hide his breath when he has to go to the office.

Zewrty5309

[QUOTE=venuscat;8036679]I would send him packing—Anna is a lot nicer than me.
He has been in rehab 2X before. One in-patient and one out-patient. Once was court mandated. To be frank, I hated doing the "family portion" of the rehab. The whole thing was centered around him and me and my children need to accept that he has a "disease". Cancer is a disease but, strangely enough, cancer patients don't act deplorable and angst teenagers. Without my strong faith in God, I would of left him a long time ago.

venuscat

I am a recovering alcoholic, and I think it's a disease, but honestly, that part doesn't really matter. For me, what matters is understanding that you cannot put your family through this horrible ride, and you need to fix it. And I think your husband needs to be working on his recovery if he wants his family life.

If he isn't doing that, I would be looking after me and the kids and making future plans. s

Zewrty5309

I am a recovering alcoholic,
^^May I ask what was your favorite hiding spots for your booze? I like to think I know them all but he's very creative. He's even dug holes in the garden to hide smaller bottles. When I see him drunk I immediately take his keys to prevent him from crashing our new mini van. It forces him to walk almost 3 miles to the store. I'm probably wasting a lot of money throwing his stashes out because he likes to drink the expensive stuff.

venuscat

I lived on my own back then (married now), so I didn't need hiding spots.

And really, it's not good for you to keep looking for his booze; you don't need this.
But wardrobes....pockets, boots, guitar cases, speaker boxes, honestly, anywhere there is space for a bottle.

Anna

You're trying to control a situation that you can't control by searching for bottles and throwing them out, by making him walk 3 miles to a store. Has it made any positive difference when you have tossed out alcohol bottles you've found? Alcoholics hide bottles everywhere and anywhere and you will never find all the hiding places. And, what if you did? Would that make your husband stop drinking?

Zewrty5309

[QUOTE=Anna;80367 Would that make your husband stop drinking?[/QUOTE]

No, it hasn't. I guess I just like to see him suffer a bit for all the B.S. that he has put me and my children through. I also search for bottles because our 17yr old daughter has been caught at school drinking last year. I believe she got the alcohol from our home.

Free2bme888

Big hugs, Zew….

Sounds like you need support like Alanon.

A counselor? Your need for vengeance will burn you and your children more than him.

Come here a lot, we have all different points of reference for you.

No one could get me to stop drinking (or smoking cigs for that matter) until I WANTED TO, and I WAS READY.

I also left an alcoholic husband before I became addicted because I knew that unless he was ready, alcohol would ALWAYS come first.

Step back, figure out how your ideal life would look. Is that with an alcoholic and you being so mad and hurt? The make decisions that will send you/keep you there.

If stepping back leans you toward seeing and believing you and your kids deserve better, then gather some support, and start making decisions that lead to that outcome.

It is so very hard. I’ve been on both sides. It’s not fun, and I’m so sorry you are in a tough spot, but SO VERY GLAD you found us.

Thats a great first step among finding many support systems/tools.
Big hugs.

LucyIntheGarden

Hello,

Alcoholics drink (and hide alcohol and lie about it) because they have an uncontrollable mental compulsion to drink and an uncompromising physical dependence on alcohol. It is not a victory to catch them in the act or to find their booze. It's easy. They will be doing those things like the sun will be coming up in the morning. This is alcoholism. The neurology of the brain has been altered. And the physiology of the body has been changed.

Your anger and resentment hurts you and it hurts your children. Believe it or not, some children from alcoholic families reach adulthood and feel more bitterness toward the sober parent than the drinking one. Your therapist could talk with you about the reasons why.

I think Al-Anon meetings can help you. You can find a different meeting. You do not at all have to reveal your use of medical marijuana. It is irrelevant. Al-Anon is a program for spiritual development designed to help us stop playing God. Its primary purpose is to help families of alcoholics accept that which they cannot change and to turn their attention to their inner life. As we get more in touch with who we are, we find we are better able to know what we want and how to achieve it in a sane and measured way. Your main focus right now is figuring out how to ambush the alcoholic. Al-Anon can re-direct your focus.

Somewhere within all this chaos you are living is YOU. And your life path, your calling, your unique unfolding.

So, I would find a meeting and attend weekly. I would continue therapy. I would separate from the alcoholic if I could not remain sane and centered while living with him.

I did all those things years ago, it worked for me. And fear melted away. No longer did I have to be afraid of what would happen next.

trailmix

HI Zwerty, glad you found the forum.

Doesn't sound like he wants to quit drinking and you don't like living with an alcoholic, so what holds you back from asking him to leave?

mattmathews

When my wife went into rehab and I was advised to attend a couple of Al-Anon meetings, I kind of knew that I was damaged, but I didn't know how. I could see what alcohol/alcoholism had done to my spouse but I didn't see what it had done to me.
We call it a family disease, because alcoholism doesn't just effect the alcoholic, it affects everyone around them is some degree. Family, friends, co-workers. Coming from a chaotic home life myself, I especially worry about the children. Based on my own experience, and on the experience of those who have shared their stories with me, those effects may still be having an impact on them 10, 20, 30 years later.
Long after I'd attended my first Al-Anon meeting, I was asked how it made me feel. The thought that jumped into my head was "accepted." Although not everyone in a meeting has exactly the same story, there are so many similarities. You may feel like you're going to be judged because you enabled the alcoholic. I didn't mention anything about my own enabling for a long time, but when I finally got the courage to share that part of my story, I could see heads nodding in agreement around the room. I walked into those rooms feeling like my story was the worst story ever, I felt like I was unique. What a relief it was to find that so many other people have gone thru the same thing! My story wasn't the worst story ever, it was just average. Maybe below average.
The alcoholic is obsessed with alcohol, with getting their next drink. But I found myself looking for bottles and counting drinks. That was my obsession. I was responsible for paying the bills and stressed about my spouses thoughtless spending. I covered for her with family and coworkers. I walked on eggshells. That was my anxiety. I felt unloved and ignored and sometimes hurt. I couldn't put this word to it at the time, but I felt anger. But it wasn't all bad! There were good times, there were times when her drinking seemed more controlled. There were times when I felt like I was in control of my life and "I've got this." That was usually right before the alcoholism got worse. That was my denial.
I eventually hit my bottom. That was the day I finally told my spouse "I can't live like this anymore." I was prepared to leave, or to kick her out of the house and make her leave. Instead, she put herself in rehab, and that started my journey with Al-Anon where I learned so much. Some of it about the alcoholic, a lot of it about myself.
Back in the very early days of AA, there is a story about an AA member approaching a drunk sleeping under a newspaper on a park bench. After talking to him for a bit, he saw that he was wearing a wrist watch and he said "you've probably not ready for AA yet." (Because he hadn't lost every thing). I see so many spouses of alcoholics who are suffering, who could use a program. But I've found that Al-Anon is not for those who need it, it's for those who want it. I came to Al-Anon because my life had become completely unmanageable. Surprisingly, I came to see that that was a blessing.
"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

dbyrer

This is a parody, right?

Bekindalways

Hi Zewerty, I'm so glad you found us and also sorry you are here.

Alcohol tends to take over the entire family. The alcoholics do everything they can to drink and the codependents do everything they can to stop the drinking. We friends/family of the addicts become just as crazy as they are in our attempts to control what we can't. It sucks beyond sucks.

Many of us have found Melody Beatie's book Codependent No More to be helpful.

Courage to you and let us know how you get on.

Zewrty5309

Husband came home last night after attending a St. Patrick's day get together that is connected to his job. He was completely trashed and brought home by an Uber that he urinated in. Now, Uber is claiming that there is a $100 fee for "bodily waste". I guess it's better than he usually does by driving home. I recently heard about this drug called, Antabuse, that makes the alcoholic violently ill if they drink. I'm going to bring it up tomorrow and see if he's interested in it. I like the idea of punishing the alcoholic when they drink. Apparently, after even a single beer, the person will be unable to drink more. I bought the Melody Beatie book at a used book store and read some. But I'll be honest, I still think shaming my husband is what will finally get through to him. I don't like the idea that I'm as sick as him. I put my children first every day and function in the real World.

Bekindalways

No it isn't an appealing idea. I doubt that any of us liked this view of the matter; however, with time, many of us found truth in this. I sure did and my qualifier was a meth addict.

As understandable as your anger is with your husband, acting on it won't help anyone. Of course it will feel good in the moment. I too wanted to inflict pain on the guy that had caused me so much pain. It is human; it just isn't effective at stopping an alcoholic from drinking.

Keep trying to learn both about addicts and codependents. Every bit of understanding you acquire makes you more effective in dealing with this terrible situation.

Zewrty5309

I don't want to ruffle any feathers but how can I work a Alanon program if I don't believe that alcoholism is a disease? That is a serious question. It seems like society coddles the addicted in every way. DUI laws are very lenient(husband still has a license), addicts get probation for drug possession and retail thefts. I kinda take offense to people saying that I need help also. I'm not the one embarrassing my children and family. I'm not the one shaking like a leaf when I wake up and putting whiskey into my coffee. I'm thinking of giving my husband one last chance after I see a divorce attorney. One more drink and I am gone. Of course, I will have to follow through if he does drink again which maybe be harder than I admit.

advbike

I'm alcoholic and don't think it's a "disease" either, in the conventional sense - except perhaps to the extent that many alcoholics seem to have heightened neuroticism (anxiety and fear) and empathy to begin with, which makes life kind of hard, hence when they experience the calming effect of alcohol or drugs it seems a blessing (at first). They are simply more susceptible.

But aside from debating the disease concept, I AM a firm believer that addiction springs from environmental factors - childhood chaos, trauma and abuse. Many good books and research on the topic. That is why it often appears to run in families - because the kids are exposed to a household filled with chaos, emotional upset, secrets (covering up for the alcoholic), multiple caregivers, inadequate planning and follow-through, etc. General dysfunction. The behavior patterns repeat for generations. And disease or not, those around the alcoholic are affected. I am still working through issues developed from my chaotic childhood and loss.. Your resentment and bottle searching are just one minor manifestation of this, and your kids will be affected too.. Hence the value of Al-Anon.

Also want to add that there are many options other than in -person AA meetings. AA also has Zoom meetings, there is Rational Recovery, SMART and we have an excellent section here (Newcomers) where alcoholics can find support. Many of us got sober here and read/post daily. But the key is they have to WANT to get sober. You cannot force it on him. So set your boundaries, get him out for the kid's sake and when he's ready maybe he will seek support.