trailmix

I think of it as a mental illness.

Regardless of what you believe though, torturing a person is a whole different issue. Wishing a person ill, because you are angry/hurt/frustrated isn't a particularly healthy way to go about the world.

You are focused on what he does to you, maybe it would be better for him and for you if you did leave?

ToughChoices

Consider that putting your children first may involve teaching them about love and empathy by changing your view of your husband’s illness. It is a mental illness.

Addiction is misery. Alcoholics suffer, but those exposed to their suffering suffer, as well. Especially children. It is a terrible cycle made worse by shame.

In my experience, a loving response to active addiction (especially addiction without a desire to stop) in a family with children is to remove them from daily life with the alcoholic WITHOUT demonizing the addicted individual. That is hard, because the responsible parent is left holding all of the responsibility, and that can be infuriating.

I spent a decade angry, resentful, heart-broken, and self-righteous because my husband wasn’t able to stop drinking. The shame I threw in his direction poisoned my spirit. I was sick because I lost my compassion.

If alcoholism recurred in my household today I would protect my children from witnessing the crazy drinking AND my terrible attitude. I would try to view it as an honor that I was capable of caring for my children full-time. I would work to remember that my alcoholic loved one is also a child of God - full of worth and value - but not necessarily safe to be around full-time while they figure out that worth.

Bekindalways

Zwert, I don't think it is necessary to believe alcoholism is a disease to work an Alanon program. Alanon is more about those of us who love an alcoholic or addict than the users. It can help with boundary setting and decision making. Of course it isn't for everyone but for some it can be a life saver.

I've heard alcoholism called "a disease of choice.". I like that as it is different from a disease like cancer. Mostly the idea of "disease" is just one way to think about it. You do not need to accept this idea to benefit from programs for people like us.

May you find whatever support you need.

velma929

I also have reservations about the disease model. I think the disease analogy makes sense. If your loved one had/has cancer, schleroderma, multiple sclerosis, diverticulitus, it wouldn't be up to YOU to fix any of those things.

I wouldn't accost someone with lung cancer and berate him or her for smoking, even if I knew that was the history. What good would that do? I know a diabetic that has had several toes amputated. She's still very overweight. What would be served by embarrassing her?

I didn't care for Al-anon meetings - but the concepts have helped my life. I realized I had zero control over my spouse's drinking. My own abstinance, dumping his booze, haranging him, nothing I did or didn't do changed his drinking one bit. It just would have made me look like a miserable person.

Zewrty5309

[QUOTE=trailmix;8037689]I think of it as a mental illness.

^^^That's a good point. I can kinda accept that alcoholism is a form of mental illness.

trailmix

The reason I think that is, without even discerning the cause of the actual onset of addiction mental/physical, once someone is in active addiction, the mind is absolutely affected.

The person no longer, generally, thinks rationally, certainly not while using. Then there is the affect on the actual brain. As you were in active addiction you are no doubt already aware of how it changes you.

But every person is different. Some will reach out for sobriety, some never will, whether they don't want to or they believe they actually can't, it doesn't really matter (to others) as the result to them is the same.

The only thing you get to control is yourself and what you choose to do.

venuscat

With all due respect, this is disturbing.

The idea of Antabuse is not to cause suffering; it is to deter drinking. And only the person struggling with alcohol abuse can make the decision to take the drug, and I can't see that happening.

Anna

This is really disturbing to read. You say you put your children first, but what are you teaching them? I hope you do read Melody Beattie's book. I think you might find it helpful to you and your family.

I can promise you that shaming an alcoholic is not going to make him stop drinking. If anything, it will make him drink more.

Bekindalways

Lots of alcoholics drink to escape negative emotions so causing more pain to the alcoholic is probably going to promote more drinking.

Also many many people have gone before you in similar situations with alcoholic spouses. Of course the details are different but the trends of alcoholism are the same. It is worth looking into what worked and what hasn't worked for others.

Zewrty5309

Hello everyone. Thought I'd share an update. My husband had to do blood work to see if he could take antabuse. He's currently on 500mg per day prescribed by a psychiatrist. I give him the pill first thing in the morning. I'm 100% certain that he swallows the pill. I make sure. I've read that even 1 beer can trigger awful side effects like flushing of the skin (good) and a fast heartbeat. It actually blocks the bodies ability to process alcohol. I think this is wonderful. If he decides to pick up a drink, he will have a painful reminder. I feel he needs to learn that his alcohol use brings consequences. Apparently, antabuse is no longer prescribed as much as it used to be. I blame today's society for that. I asked him to check out another AA meeting but he claims that the members are too religious. For myself, I found a Celebrate Recovery group at my church and have gone to a couple of meetings. Most of the people there though have children though so it's sometimes hard to relate. Thanks everyone for letting me check in here.

trailmix

His alcohol abuse does bring consequences on its own, for sure.

It's probably not prescribed as much because it's not a real "fix". The person can just not take it if they want to drink, nothing really to do with society as a whole I don't think.

velma929

His attitude toward AA dovetails with his attitude about alcohol: He doesn't need it because he doesn't have a problem. He finds excuses not to go just like every addict finds excuses to use.

If he had actually gone and listened, the premise is that you rely on a "higher power" however the individual interprets that. There are no homilies or sermons. The twelve steps are about being accountable for one's self and one's actions.

As far as Antibuse, how long will someone (you, in this case) baby-sit the patient and make sure it's consumed? For that matter, what if he he simply turns to cannibis as a coping tool, and his life devolves from that?

Bekindalways

Huge kudos to you for seeking your own help. I didn't know that Celebrate Recovery had a group for codependents but it is great that they do.

Here is hoping you can detach from your husband's problem and focus on your own side of the street. This is always the most useful.

Zewrty5309

The drug stays in your system for up to 2 weeks even when it's discontinued. The psychiatrist told us that it's a useful tool for alcoholism.

Zewrty5309

[QUOTE=velma929;8044156]
As far as Antibuse, how long will someone (you, in this case) baby-sit the patient and make sure it's consumed?
I will continue to give him the pill until it's no longer needed. I actually kinda like it because it makes me think that I'm helping. Plus, he will not be able to deny if he sneaks a drink in because he will get very ill. I feel as if society coddles alcoholics in this country and always wants them in rehab programs that don't seem to work very well. The last rehab he attended, they didn't even keep stats on the patients when they leave. They don't want to show how ineffective they are so they can continue to bring in insurance money.

Zewrty5309

[QUOTE=Bekindalways;8044214]Huge kudos to you for seeking your own help. I didn't know that Celebrate Recovery had a group for codependents but it is great that they do.

It doesn't meet as often as the regular meeting though.

trailmix

[QUOTE=Zewrty5309;8044374] And what does he think about the antabuse, does he think it will help?

Zewrty5309

He doesn't like it too much. He says that he's being treated like a child. I don't care. I also found him snooping around my lock box where I keep my doctor prescribed medication. I keep them in a lock box not just because of my husband but also because I have two teenagers. Our 17yr old was already caught bringing a bottle to school and sharing it with her classmates.

Bekindalways

Yes trying to control another adult isn't good. Although believe me, you are in a place where many of us went crazy controlling to stop someone we loved from drinking. It is understandable but not healthy.

How are you doing? I think you said you found an Alanon Meeting?

I hope you can focus a bit on your own side of the street; take care of yourself.

Let us know how you get on.

velma929

He is being treated like a child.

If someone was treating me like that, I wouldn't find it very romantic or appealing. Additionally, if someone made it very clear that he or she felt superior to me, I'd be pretty angry.