When my wife went into rehab and I was advised to attend a couple of Al-Anon meetings, I kind of knew that I was damaged, but I didn't know how. I could see what alcohol/alcoholism had done to my spouse but I didn't see what it had done to me.
We call it a family disease, because alcoholism doesn't just effect the alcoholic, it affects everyone around them is some degree. Family, friends, co-workers. Coming from a chaotic home life myself, I especially worry about the children. Based on my own experience, and on the experience of those who have shared their stories with me, those effects may still be having an impact on them 10, 20, 30 years later.
Long after I'd attended my first Al-Anon meeting, I was asked how it made me feel. The thought that jumped into my head was "accepted." Although not everyone in a meeting has exactly the same story, there are so many similarities. You may feel like you're going to be judged because you enabled the alcoholic. I didn't mention anything about my own enabling for a long time, but when I finally got the courage to share that part of my story, I could see heads nodding in agreement around the room. I walked into those rooms feeling like my story was the worst story ever, I felt like I was unique. What a relief it was to find that so many other people have gone thru the same thing! My story wasn't the worst story ever, it was just average. Maybe below average.
The alcoholic is obsessed with alcohol, with getting their next drink. But I found myself looking for bottles and counting drinks. That was my obsession. I was responsible for paying the bills and stressed about my spouses thoughtless spending. I covered for her with family and coworkers. I walked on eggshells. That was my anxiety. I felt unloved and ignored and sometimes hurt. I couldn't put this word to it at the time, but I felt anger. But it wasn't all bad! There were good times, there were times when her drinking seemed more controlled. There were times when I felt like I was in control of my life and "I've got this." That was usually right before the alcoholism got worse. That was my denial.
I eventually hit my bottom. That was the day I finally told my spouse "I can't live like this anymore." I was prepared to leave, or to kick her out of the house and make her leave. Instead, she put herself in rehab, and that started my journey with Al-Anon where I learned so much. Some of it about the alcoholic, a lot of it about myself.
Back in the very early days of AA, there is a story about an AA member approaching a drunk sleeping under a newspaper on a park bench. After talking to him for a bit, he saw that he was wearing a wrist watch and he said "you've probably not ready for AA yet." (Because he hadn't lost every thing). I see so many spouses of alcoholics who are suffering, who could use a program. But I've found that Al-Anon is not for those who need it, it's for those who want it. I came to Al-Anon because my life had become completely unmanageable. Surprisingly, I came to see that that was a blessing.
"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."