suki44883

You are not trapped. You just think you are. You cannot save him. He just wants you to think you can. That's what makes you think you are trapped. If he spirals, it will because that's what he chooses to do. It will have nothing whatsoever to do with you.

Something Lucy said is also something I have been thinking about. Have you talked to your two teenagers about moving this guy into your home? How do they feel about it, or haven't you mentioned it to them? They do have a right to know. As she said, this is an everyday drinker who, from what I can see, has nothing to bring to the table. What if he doesn't try to find a job? What if he just lives off of you as long as you allow it? How would you get rid of him?

I know you probably don't want to think about these things, but it's crucial that you do. As I said earlier, I feel like if you do this, you will be making a dreadful mistake that won't just affect the two of you, but your children too. Again I say...Please, please do not do it.

Iamloved

You deserve better. Never force anything. Especially with someone not your equal. Your current perspective may be clouded by some chaos and your emotions. I know what that’s like. He’s not a real independent self sufficient person like you and therefore not your true match. He needs to prove himself to you so you can have a chance at the life you dream of. (Or maybe with someone else that is more appropriate for you). It may hurt to draw a line, but you will be doing both of you a favour. Growth only occurs through pain or meditation. He’s not showing up as you need from someone. I assume he’s not meditating. Withdraw your energy back to yourself. Slow down on the plan. This not about him, it’s about you and your life, health, and happiness. Take time to yourself to meditate and also pray to your higher power for the best possible healthy happy resolution for you.

trailmix

I can understand that. Many people feel if they leave the addict they are just abandoning them and the relationship and what might they do if you leave them? Well, what might he do today or tomorrow. You are not his keeper, you can't actually change what he will do, as much as you would like to.

You are requesting that he be who he is not. He is not a sober person and from what you have shared he isn't ready to be one now, but he is feeling cornered. Even if excessive drinking seems like a bad idea to you or to me or society in general, we still don't have the right to ask a person to change. Well I mean you can ask, of course! But continuing to pursue that line will not end well.

You can very easily end up in the "enemy camp", so please don't be surprised if he makes a U-turn and you do actually end up there.

He doesn't want to attend AA because of his Father, but he is willing to give you up. He may not have insurance but there is free help, even with the salvation army. But it doesn't matter because he doesn't want their help.

Really your only decision here is whether or not you are willing to live with an alcoholic

I don't know how long he has been drinking, but alcoholism is progressive, how he drinks today won't necessarily be the same a year from now or even 6 months from now.

qtpi

Just a couple of things…. He hates his job and his life and he’s broke and you ‘re not…. And you don’t like the way he is treating you lately. If he moves in with you, he will start to hate and resent you. He is already not treating you right. He will be Jekyl and Hyde. I hope you are getting chills right now and recognizing the truth of this. You can’t save him. He will drag you down. If he can’t independently take care of himself now, how can he be a good and equal partner?

Oynnet

Well,

I stood firm to the boundary, that I wasn't going to pay his rent (he is short again) and he just... ended it. I suppose I should be relived, as I've dodged a bullet. But I just feel... broken and empty and.. crushing hurt

ToughChoices

Oynnet,

I am hugging you across several continents. How painful to read that from him.

You are lovely. He is hurt, sick, tired, and weak. He is also lovely (we all are!), but he is not in a place to walk beside you right now.

That doesn’t reflect poorly on you at all. He is sick, but even he can recognize the incompatibility of a match with you. People in active addiction aren’t really capable of being “into” anyone but their substance. Everything else comes second (or not at all).

You are kind, giving, intelligent, capable, and compassionate. You are beautiful and good. I am proud of your boundary, and I have an inkling that being free of this man for the time being may allow other exciting opportunities into your life.

I am sorry for your pain. All will be well.

LucyIntheGarden

Oynet,

He threw a tantrum. And it is classic alcoholic behavior. In recovery literature the drinking alcoholic is often called "King Baby."

In my experience, alcoholics keep coming back. It can be one month, one year, ten years. So he will probably contact you again.

Honestly, your teens are more mature.

Take good care.

makeitwrite

Oynet-

Im so sorry for the pain you are in- yet I commend your strength in honoring your boundaries by refusing to continue to fund his disease. I’ve been through a similar experience and also learned that when I put up boundaries and took care of me , the alcoholic I was with backed away from the relationship. As painful as that was, it was valuable information- the bullet dodged so to speak. A therapist gave me a couple of quotes that I found helpful when my pain began to make me question my decisions or even my value in light of how I was treated- maybe they’ll resonate with you…
”alcoholics in active addiction find resources, not relationships”
” when you begin to assert boundaries , you will find out who was in your life because you didn’t have boundaries”
You made the strongest choice for yourself and your children by cutting off his access to your financial resources. Sending you lots of love and strength to get past the pain to the much better things waiting for you on the other side of it.

trailmix

I'm sorry Oynnet, i'm sure this is terribly hurtful and will probably hurt for a while. Keep reminding yourself that the hurt will end, because it really will. All you have really lost is a relationship with someone you are incompatible with, although it won't seem like that just now probably.

Another thing that is important to remember is that he can't and never really could have a relationship with you. His relationship is with alcohol. As unreal as that seems. If you make him choose, he will always choose his first love.

So very little of this is about you. Which also seems counter intuitive, but you shouldn't try to place "normal" relationship expectations and values on a relationship with an addict, they just don't apply mostly.

It's so important now to look after yourself. Cut contact with him (he may be back). Eat well, sleep when you can, try to do things you like even though that may seem hard right now. As much as you don't want to bring others "down", spend time with friends and family. Post here as often as you feel like it.

You will heal from this but it's going to hurt for a while. You are strong, you will get through this.

Oynnet

I think what I am struggling with most, is that he doesn't follow many of the normal patterns. You guys are describing.
He doesn't find resources - or relationships. He's 33 and I am his first serious girlfriend. His last partner was 12 years ago and she was around for 3 months. Until me. His Mom LOVED me, as did his Dad. His Mom said to me today she feared he would never find anyone until he met me. He told me himself at the start of our relationship that he'd given up on finding love or having a future.
I know that he is currently in a pit and he is lashing out at everyone around him. He just lost his best friend of 10 years. All of his gaming buddies. Our Dungeon master for DnD. He's alienated his friends from his previous job, and most of his clients. I was just the last one left.

After I split from my kids father, I threw everything in my kids. I didn't date for 17 years. I mean, I tried to find someone, but it was.. a soul sucking process and I gave up. Until Him. We were friends first. For so many years. And we liked the same things and hate the same interests and were both writers and had just so much in common and it was... easy. The first easy relationship I have ever had. It was an accident - Us getting together. I complimented his voice, and things just kinda, happened. He told me right away he struggled with sobriety. I didn't understand it then. But it was so *right*. I have a disability, and one of the first things he asked was what the bad days looked like so he could best support me. He was kind and patient and funny and smart and humble and passionate and wanted all the same things I wanted... he was everything I thought I would never ever find in a relationship.

He's not currently being that man. At all. And I am spiraling in pain because I can't let go of that man. And I know he's subsumed by the addiction. And is currently not that man. But it is tearing me in two.

ToughChoices

He sounds like a beautiful person, Oynet. You love him for good reasons! Alcoholics are people - they have wonderful characteristics and attractive personalities. My alcoholic ex was wicked intelligent, witty, kind, and FULL of loving dreams. He used to call me his “treasure.” He was wonderful!

He was also terribly depressed and soul-sick in pursuit of chemical oblivion. He lied to me OVER AND OVER AGAIN and broke every piece of my trust in order to pursue alcohol.

He became a person so stuck in his own existential pain that there was little room in his heart to care for others. He just didn’t have the capacity. He was consumed with himself.

It was heartbreaking.💔 It is what addiction does.

I just want you to know that I understand the pain of this transition. Part of what’s hard about addiction is that it’s sneaky in its theft of your partner. They don’t suddenly become a “bad” person - rather they gradually drift into themselves and their obsession. They numb out and retreat a little at a time. But you will still see the most glorious glimpses of their loveliness occasionally…THOSE glimpses were my addiction. They kept me hooked on a partner who couldn’t/wouldn’t dance with me.

You don’t have to think poorly of him to accept that he isn’t healthy. You can fiercely love him and accept that he isn’t a safe addition to your household right now.

For me love looked like allowing my ex the space to determine the course of his own life. Reminding him that I cared. Calling authorities when he expressed a desire to stop drinking. Sending him clothes and toiletries in rehab. And finding my “partner love” elsewhere.

I loved my ex (he deserved love), but I had to stop trying to get him to meet my needs. He wasn’t up to the task.

LucyIntheGarden

He wrote:

"Because I was just never that into you."
"I have been leading you on this entire time."
"I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you. I never did."
"You want me more than I want you."

If you romanticize and idealize him, you will hurt so much more, Oynet. Those words he wrote were intended to level you.

It is classic addict behavior.

Do your best to face the reality of his behavior. And not live too much in the past when there were so many illusions. Many of us here have lived the intoxicating romance with an alcoholic or drug addict.

But sooner or later, they turn on us. We don't give them the supply they are seeking.

Your self-esteem is so fragile right now. You need to be angry. I hope that happens soon.

trailmix

Being 33 and having your first serious relationship is a (I dislike this term) a red flag. Not because people can't just do what they want, you can be single your whole life, however he is an addict as well. Those two things combined are the red flag. As he has been in a few short relationships, it's not like he necessarily wanted to be single.

His patterns are the patterns of an alcoholic. Yes, everyone is different, he is a human being, with his own experiences and personality, however, pushing people away is truly an alcoholic pattern. If you won't drink with me, I'll drink alone (and in fact I prefer to be alone because you irritate me).

There is pain there, he is stuck in a cycle of addiction. It has a strong hold on him. There is no such thing as a happy addict. Shame, despair.

Addiction is progressive and it's been progressing the entire time you have known him. I'm sure there have been other "crisis" points, but don't count on this being the last one.

I don't know if you have already contacted his family, that might be a good step right now so they can check on him.

I might have said this earlier, but what he wants and what he can realistically have may well be two different things. Right now he wants to drink. He can't drink to excess and be your partner, that's really the bottom line.

But he isn't two people. As long as you have known him he has always been that guy you like so much AND an alcoholic. Trying to separate the two is not realistic. He is one person, the great guy, who is also an alcoholic. Attempts to make him get sober or offer help are falling on deaf ears right now. So you can't have one without the other.

Another thing to consider, putting down the drink, if he decided to do that, is just the beginning. There is sobriety and there is recovery, two really different things - both difficult. Unless he is committed to do whatever it takes to accomplish that, it's not going to happen - and right now he is not.

All that aside, I'm so sorry you have been so hurt. It is a tragedy when this occurs, of course. Please try to take extra good care of yourself right now.

Oynnet

His Mom and I have actually been tag teaming him for about a month. We talk every day. We were both just so worried about his mental health. Tag teaming so neither of us overwhelmed him and both of us updating the other about where he is at. She is a former addict herself - and is in fact still addicted to weed (I've had to ask her to stop buying it for him because he's trying to quit that too - that at least is more successful currently due to lack of access)

He gave up on finding a romantic partner long ago, because he thought he was so fundamentally unlovable. He called himself a Piece of S*@ for so long. He never ever saw value in himself. And yes, there have been other crisis points, but never to the depths that this one is.



It is ironic that you pointed this out. Because my original impulse when I joined this forum was to try and tap into the angry. To find the strength to tell him to stop walking al over me. I have myself ratcheted from crisis to crisis this last month - I was hospitalized for my disability for a week, I didn't have any supports, My daughters 6 year old cat suddenly died. I have been balancing on an edge for a long time due to my own responsibilities.. His last crisis started long before these, but me going into hospital tipped him over the edge. Because he felt helpless. Because he wasn't here. And I put so much pressure on him to be here because I needed that. God I needed that.
The problem is, that I am not an angry person. Like, at all. I don't even know that I could be an angry person, no matter how much I wish I could to end this crippling pain that I feel.

LucyIntheGarden

I'm sorry, Oynet, it is a time of crisis in your life, I know, and you are worn out and worn down. I hope a long period of rest will help you physically rehabilitate after your stay in the hospital this last month, which of course was stressful for you, and for your family, and I hope your daughter's sadness about her beloved cat's passing will ease with the help of time and her friends. It is so hard to lose a pet. And for you, so hard to see her grieving.

Having been in the hospital recently plus your family's losing a beloved pet, you needed tenderness and support. You did not receive that from the alcoholic, you experienced the opposite. You are weakened by grief and worry, so if you cannot find any self-protective anger right now, that is where you are, and no one should judge you.

In my life it was the hardest times which forced me in a new and necessary direction. I held on to the old so tightly, but life simply forced me to let it go. I saw only an ending, I could not see the seeds of new life yet. It is a dark place to be, and lonely. The heart is broken, the mind is exhausted.

Your health, your family, your tender feelings, these are all worthy of respect and love. Please try to expect that from anyone close to you. We lose so much faith in ourselves when we are in an unhealthy and draining relationship. We feel guilty for having the most basic human needs. Anyone who makes you feel less-than, whoever it is, you need to distance yourself from.

And his codependent mother, she is vulnerable to getting high off the drama and could pull you into more. So be cautious.

You have people here on this forum who accept where you are and who you are right now.

trailmix

If you are still talking to his Mother I hope you can bring yourself to curb that? It's not doing you (or really him) any good. It's good he has his Mom there for him.

Well I doubt he is unlovable, but he is in no position to be in a relationship and he recognizes that. There is no one around alcoholism that it doesn't touch and usually hurt in some way.

This is a good example of not being ready for a relationship. You are in hospital and HE falls apart because HE felt helpless. Nothing to do with you, it's all about him. I'm not criticizing him per se but addiction, by its very nature is selfish, it has to be when your main focus is the next drink, your depression, your shame, your despair - he has no room for other people's feelings.

Anger, that generally comes later, after the first shock and when you have time to do a bit of healing and reflection, away from contact with him. When you think back about the times he treated you in a less than stellar manner, or poorly. When you start to go over what was said during these times.

Oynnet

He contacted me today.
Everyone knew he would.

"God f*ing dammit
I don't want to never see you again
It seems it's my turn to have difficulty even breathing now
Nothing feels right. It doesn't feel right to stay, it doesn't feel right to go. I feel like I am making a mistake no matter what I do
Ffs. This client has the same kind of toilet that you do.
Can I call you when I'm on my way home?
I just want to hear your voice right now"

He called.
He asked if there was still tickets left to come.
I know it would be so wrong to want to try again. The way that he treated me. How deep into his addiction he currently is. I know in part it is a savior complex on my part - rescuing him from the dumpster fire his life has become. You guys here all said things I needed to hear and learn - his love is the booze. The next drink. He cannot be in a relationship with me right now, because alcohol is his focus. That no matter how much he wants me, wants us (again) or how much I want him this will be doomed to fail because of how deep in his addiction he is.
It actually helped the pain. To know there was nothing I could do. That wiser people that have gone before me took my by the hand and said 'look at reality'.

So why do I still want to say yes when he suggests trying again? I cannot speak to my friends about this. All they see is the fact that he's treated me poorly. None of them understand addiction.

ToughChoices

I wanted to try again and again and again. I DID try again and again and again.

But, for me, what I kept “trying” to do was to reduce my needs to the point that they didn’t exist. To shrink my desires to fit his ability.

He kept drinking. He was not capable of trying to grow to meet my needs. His world kept shrinking. When I fully recognized his limitations, I quit fantasizing about how things might change.

What would you be trying by allowing him access to your tender heart again?

trailmix

Why wouldn't you?

Your logical mind knows exactly what's happening here. You have the facts quite clear, as you have stated above. That doesn't mean your heart has caught up to that logic yet. That takes time and it's hard and it hurts.

Your feelings for him are real, even if you think they are misguided. You can love someone, even if they start treating you badly. That doesn't mean you should be living in the same house with them?

Another thing to consider is your kids. Kids learn what they see. If he arrives and continues to drink and treat you badly that is what they see. That it's ok for a person to treat you badly. You remain loyal, heck you even try to help them while they abuse you! They see their Mom getting hurt. They will dislike if not hate him. So that's just another layer to all this.

He breaks up with you, via text, telling you that you care while he doesn't really (wth??) then comes back a few days later and says, let's try again? Does any of that make sense in the real world? Not really and the reason why is because he functions in his own reality.

I say more power to him if he can get sober and get his act together (truly), I wish him well.

biminiblue

We all wish him well.

From a safe distance!

Oynnet, the best thing for you to start to heal is to tell him to never contact you again and then block him and all his family on every platform. Email. Phone, facebook, Instagram. Everywhere. You won't get a soft landing from this, it's just not the way it goes. He will hurt you over and over if he can contact you. Be done.

I know that's hard, but you can do it. I've done it. It sucks. I'm really really REALLY glad I did it.