End of Marriage to Alcoholic Husband
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End of Marriage to Alcoholic Husband
Hi everyone, I am so glad I found this forum and community last night as I was seeking support content. I was served divorce papers yesterday by my husband, the alcoholic, after a tumultuous few weeks. I was really starting to spiral last night, and reading through other community members' posts was a gift; they really calmed me down, help me gain some insights, and know that this is not all my fault, that the disease of alcoholism ran its ugly course. I read several stories similar to mine, I am now sharing mine since I find it therapeutic, and I am seeking additional wisdom and support from the community.
My husband and I have been together 23 years, married almost 18. I'd say his alcoholism existed most of our relationship, but we were not really aware of it until 10 years ago, when his drinking led to suicidal ideation and a hospital stay for detox. This began a 9 year cycle of binging, trying to sober up, and still drinking "minimally" until it was back to major binges and the cycle started over. My husband functioned very highly like this; then enter a move from the city to the country, the pandemic, my husband leaving his job in early 2021 due to a situation that led to more suicidal thoughts, clinical depression, and drinking. All this time I supported him (or thought I did) while working full time (fully remotely last few years). The resentment, anger, arguing, and distance all happened the last few years. Another incident in late 2022 led to my husband finally realizing he could not drink, joining AA, and getting actually sober (although not from marijuana). I felt really positive this time, but 2023 was even harder in some ways with him sober. He spent more and more time just in our basement while I worked, we argued more, I was buried in work, and he was becoming more depressed about his life. It's also worth noting we have lived more as roommates the last few years; a rut probably typical to long term marriages just went on and on, never spoken about.
Then everything exploded on Christmas Day 2023, leading to where we are now. My husband, unable to share his frustration and resentment of me directly, basically snapped, disappeared for a day, came back extremely intoxicated and delusional (and had been arrested while gone), leading to domestic violence incident where he threatened my father-in-law and me with a gun as well as with shooting himself. Long story short, cops called, he spent two weeks in behavioral center, I got an order of protection, and now with some communication re-established, he tells me I have psychologically tyrannized him the last few years, did not help him with his sobriety, and caused him deep pain. In addition, he has fallen out of love with me and has asked for a divorce. All this in just over 40 days. I am beyond gutted by everything that has occurred, and despite everything I am devastated I am losing my husband and our life together. We don't have children luckily; but pets that are like our children. My husband has also been very cruel, while in the hospital and then now that we are communicating via text. I am so overwhelmed by it all and how he has torched our lives and basically made himself the victim to my "tyranny." I am doing all within my means to cope (joining Al Anon, meditating, journaling, relying on my family and friends), but it is so excruciating and hard to process it all. I am starting to realize how cruel this disease of alcoholism is, and that with additional factors we could not survive it together, very sadly.
Thank you for reading my story, it feels cathartic getting it out, and any words of advice and insights are greatly welcome!
My husband and I have been together 23 years, married almost 18. I'd say his alcoholism existed most of our relationship, but we were not really aware of it until 10 years ago, when his drinking led to suicidal ideation and a hospital stay for detox. This began a 9 year cycle of binging, trying to sober up, and still drinking "minimally" until it was back to major binges and the cycle started over. My husband functioned very highly like this; then enter a move from the city to the country, the pandemic, my husband leaving his job in early 2021 due to a situation that led to more suicidal thoughts, clinical depression, and drinking. All this time I supported him (or thought I did) while working full time (fully remotely last few years). The resentment, anger, arguing, and distance all happened the last few years. Another incident in late 2022 led to my husband finally realizing he could not drink, joining AA, and getting actually sober (although not from marijuana). I felt really positive this time, but 2023 was even harder in some ways with him sober. He spent more and more time just in our basement while I worked, we argued more, I was buried in work, and he was becoming more depressed about his life. It's also worth noting we have lived more as roommates the last few years; a rut probably typical to long term marriages just went on and on, never spoken about.
Then everything exploded on Christmas Day 2023, leading to where we are now. My husband, unable to share his frustration and resentment of me directly, basically snapped, disappeared for a day, came back extremely intoxicated and delusional (and had been arrested while gone), leading to domestic violence incident where he threatened my father-in-law and me with a gun as well as with shooting himself. Long story short, cops called, he spent two weeks in behavioral center, I got an order of protection, and now with some communication re-established, he tells me I have psychologically tyrannized him the last few years, did not help him with his sobriety, and caused him deep pain. In addition, he has fallen out of love with me and has asked for a divorce. All this in just over 40 days. I am beyond gutted by everything that has occurred, and despite everything I am devastated I am losing my husband and our life together. We don't have children luckily; but pets that are like our children. My husband has also been very cruel, while in the hospital and then now that we are communicating via text. I am so overwhelmed by it all and how he has torched our lives and basically made himself the victim to my "tyranny." I am doing all within my means to cope (joining Al Anon, meditating, journaling, relying on my family and friends), but it is so excruciating and hard to process it all. I am starting to realize how cruel this disease of alcoholism is, and that with additional factors we could not survive it together, very sadly.
Thank you for reading my story, it feels cathartic getting it out, and any words of advice and insights are greatly welcome!
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Hi Chris, well you have certainly been through a lot, so sorry you are in this situation.
As you mentioned, reading through the other posts in the forum helps, first, because you are not alone and secondly because there is, generally, a pattern to addiction as you have no doubt seen. It is also progressive. How he drank and how he thought 3 years ago or 20, is certainly not where he's at now.
Which came first, debilitating depression or drinking? Hard to say as alcohol is a depressant, so it may have just exacerbated a condition he already had.
This isn't your fault. Let's just pretend for a moment that you were tyrannical and made his life hell. That's why we have doors on our houses, so we an leave at anytime.
But in reality, it's very much easier to blame you than to blame alcoholism. It's his true love, above all else and you may have been trying to come between him and that love, or at the very least he felt prohibited from drinking trying to act like an non-alcoholic as much as possible.
Regardless, I'm so glad he didn't kill you, or your FIL or himself. That's a very scary situation.
I know you miss the person he was, but that person, unfortunately, has fled. He is now in another place, a place of mental illness and alcoholism, a horrible mix. I hope he will get the treatment he needs.
As time goes on I hope you can focus on the negatives of the relationship. No rose coloured glasses. How have you been coping with this for years?
As you mentioned, reading through the other posts in the forum helps, first, because you are not alone and secondly because there is, generally, a pattern to addiction as you have no doubt seen. It is also progressive. How he drank and how he thought 3 years ago or 20, is certainly not where he's at now.
Which came first, debilitating depression or drinking? Hard to say as alcohol is a depressant, so it may have just exacerbated a condition he already had.
This isn't your fault. Let's just pretend for a moment that you were tyrannical and made his life hell. That's why we have doors on our houses, so we an leave at anytime.
But in reality, it's very much easier to blame you than to blame alcoholism. It's his true love, above all else and you may have been trying to come between him and that love, or at the very least he felt prohibited from drinking trying to act like an non-alcoholic as much as possible.
Regardless, I'm so glad he didn't kill you, or your FIL or himself. That's a very scary situation.
I know you miss the person he was, but that person, unfortunately, has fled. He is now in another place, a place of mental illness and alcoholism, a horrible mix. I hope he will get the treatment he needs.
As time goes on I hope you can focus on the negatives of the relationship. No rose coloured glasses. How have you been coping with this for years?
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Hi trailmix, thank you for the kind words and perspective.
I am not sure what came first; looking back he always liked to drink and it was heavy but not out of control yet. It was when his mother passed suddenly 20 years ago that he started to have bouts of depression, so that might have accelerated the drinking too. And then the first time it was truly debilitating was 10 years ago, on/off and me always searching for signs, looking for hidden alcohol, questioning if he was really sick or binging (usually the latter). And us in our house, all day every day pretty much since March 2020, just made matters worse I now realize. It may have ended up like that if we had stayed in the city, since he would have left his job in that situation too, but it was the isolation and lack of social life that just made everything worse, but slowly over the years until it was too broken to fix.
One thing I have to note, he has been sober since he was brought to the hospital on 12/26, and he is back in AA. So while that’s good for him, his behavior towards me is more awful than ever. But I have to keep reminding me of what you rightly stated: he is a different person now, still struggling to stay sober and dealing with even more mental health challenges.
I am not sure what came first; looking back he always liked to drink and it was heavy but not out of control yet. It was when his mother passed suddenly 20 years ago that he started to have bouts of depression, so that might have accelerated the drinking too. And then the first time it was truly debilitating was 10 years ago, on/off and me always searching for signs, looking for hidden alcohol, questioning if he was really sick or binging (usually the latter). And us in our house, all day every day pretty much since March 2020, just made matters worse I now realize. It may have ended up like that if we had stayed in the city, since he would have left his job in that situation too, but it was the isolation and lack of social life that just made everything worse, but slowly over the years until it was too broken to fix.
One thing I have to note, he has been sober since he was brought to the hospital on 12/26, and he is back in AA. So while that’s good for him, his behavior towards me is more awful than ever. But I have to keep reminding me of what you rightly stated: he is a different person now, still struggling to stay sober and dealing with even more mental health challenges.
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I think of alcoholism as a mental illness and if nothing else it certainly does present that way, until, people like your AH end up being, I'll just say it, insane. People who are sane don't point a gun at people as your AH did.
If he does manage to stay sober and get the treatment he needs, it will probably still take many years for him to heal.
So, while I know you are probably extremely hurt and so very disappointed that this didn't turn out better (your relationship), I hope you will be able to put this relationship in the past now. While your initial feelings may be well if he just - or he just - or if he can get treatment etc etc, would you ever be able to trust someone who threatened to kill you and almost did? You would be living in fear.
Speaking of which, I hope you have changed all your locks, garage entry code etc, for your own protection. Do you have a restraining order against him? This may sound dramatic? I don't know where you are at in thinking about these things, but it's truly not dramatic at this point, in my opinion.
If he does manage to stay sober and get the treatment he needs, it will probably still take many years for him to heal.
So, while I know you are probably extremely hurt and so very disappointed that this didn't turn out better (your relationship), I hope you will be able to put this relationship in the past now. While your initial feelings may be well if he just - or he just - or if he can get treatment etc etc, would you ever be able to trust someone who threatened to kill you and almost did? You would be living in fear.
Speaking of which, I hope you have changed all your locks, garage entry code etc, for your own protection. Do you have a restraining order against him? This may sound dramatic? I don't know where you are at in thinking about these things, but it's truly not dramatic at this point, in my opinion.
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Hi trailmix, yes I have a restraining order in place, and all my apps and key info have been changed re: passwords. He has been staying in line with it so that is some sort of relief.
You are totally right in terms of, would I ever really feel safe again? Especially since he has yet to fully grasp that I was so fearful and really thought he was going to shoot us and himself. You know what he responds with? “I wasn’t going to hurt you, I just wanted you to come outside and pull the trigger on me because you have been killing me slowly.” He has yet to really accept the impact, just complains about not having access to our house and his things, and saying my “psychological tyranny” was on par with what he did. Just writing this reminds me that he really needs help and I can no longer be the one to help him, or try to help him.
You are totally right in terms of, would I ever really feel safe again? Especially since he has yet to fully grasp that I was so fearful and really thought he was going to shoot us and himself. You know what he responds with? “I wasn’t going to hurt you, I just wanted you to come outside and pull the trigger on me because you have been killing me slowly.” He has yet to really accept the impact, just complains about not having access to our house and his things, and saying my “psychological tyranny” was on par with what he did. Just writing this reminds me that he really needs help and I can no longer be the one to help him, or try to help him.
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Yes, whatever is going on with him does require professional help.
You know what it sounds like, when he is talking to you, more like he is talking to alcohol.
This sounds more like a song lyric or a poem rather than a defense. Oh and boo hoo as well! I pointed a gun at you and it's all your fault! That is so much backward thinking.
So what is your plan going forward (if you have one)? Also, do you really want to stay in contact with him at all?
You know what it sounds like, when he is talking to you, more like he is talking to alcohol.
“I wasn’t going to hurt you, I just wanted you to come outside and pull the trigger on me because you have been killing me slowly.”
So what is your plan going forward (if you have one)? Also, do you really want to stay in contact with him at all?
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Hi Chris. Sorry you had reason to find us but I am glad you did.
My story is one that has a lot of the same elements as yours. Long term marriage that completely imploded due to my (ex)husband's spiral into alcoholism along with my codependence to "sweeten" the pot. In my case it was me that finally called for separation after a few years of utter chaos. I heard a lot of the same things you did, especially the suicidal stuff. In our case, I think some of it was true suicidal ideation, but I also think a lot of it was manipulation because he knew how much it scared me. He used that to keep me in line for a couple years but I caught on to his trickery. We have been apart a decade and he is still alive and kickin' so I guess it wasn't me that was keeping him alive OR causing his death after all... ( I was told several different times that I was responsible for one or the other... wish I had clued into that ridiculousness sooner)
I am glad you found comfort here, simply knowing other people TRULY get what you are going through makes such a huge difference. It was sanity saving for me when I was going through it.
As awful and scary and upsetting as things feel now, I would wager, that after another month or so of his chaos not in your face every day you will be seeing things with clearer eyes. Once the fog lifted I was amazed how much of my anxiety melted away. It still hurt a lot and life wasn't all gumdrops and roses...but it was better, much better without his warped alcoholic "logic" and behavior overshadowing everything in my life. He still drinks and then white knuckles sobriety for a while, falls off the wagon, wash, rinse repeat, but I don't have a front row seat to that show anymore...I'm so much better off now. I don't live in a state of anxiety, depression, fear or anger any longer. I hope that soon these feelings are gone from your life too.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I am sorry your husband and everyone who cares about him are going though this. Addiction sucks.
Keep reaching out to all those support resources you mentioned, it really does help. Wishing for you peace and strength as you go forward on your journey
My story is one that has a lot of the same elements as yours. Long term marriage that completely imploded due to my (ex)husband's spiral into alcoholism along with my codependence to "sweeten" the pot. In my case it was me that finally called for separation after a few years of utter chaos. I heard a lot of the same things you did, especially the suicidal stuff. In our case, I think some of it was true suicidal ideation, but I also think a lot of it was manipulation because he knew how much it scared me. He used that to keep me in line for a couple years but I caught on to his trickery. We have been apart a decade and he is still alive and kickin' so I guess it wasn't me that was keeping him alive OR causing his death after all... ( I was told several different times that I was responsible for one or the other... wish I had clued into that ridiculousness sooner)
I am glad you found comfort here, simply knowing other people TRULY get what you are going through makes such a huge difference. It was sanity saving for me when I was going through it.
As awful and scary and upsetting as things feel now, I would wager, that after another month or so of his chaos not in your face every day you will be seeing things with clearer eyes. Once the fog lifted I was amazed how much of my anxiety melted away. It still hurt a lot and life wasn't all gumdrops and roses...but it was better, much better without his warped alcoholic "logic" and behavior overshadowing everything in my life. He still drinks and then white knuckles sobriety for a while, falls off the wagon, wash, rinse repeat, but I don't have a front row seat to that show anymore...I'm so much better off now. I don't live in a state of anxiety, depression, fear or anger any longer. I hope that soon these feelings are gone from your life too.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I am sorry your husband and everyone who cares about him are going though this. Addiction sucks.
Keep reaching out to all those support resources you mentioned, it really does help. Wishing for you peace and strength as you go forward on your journey
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SmallButMighty, it is good to know how those with similar situations are doing much better, something to keep me going and motivate my recovery. Oh, and ditto and maybe one of the suicidal thoughts episodes being all about getting attention. And I have been reading more about codependence and seeing a lot of those behaviors in myself.
trailmix, to answer your question from you last post, right now I am focused on my priorities with the divorce and doing what I can to protect myself financially and emotionally, spending time with friends and family, and getting professional support.
trailmix, to answer your question from you last post, right now I am focused on my priorities with the divorce and doing what I can to protect myself financially and emotionally, spending time with friends and family, and getting professional support.
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Hello Chris,
I hope you will enter counseling very soon, you really will need a professional to help you through this. Money might be tight, but I hope you will get some professional help for yourself. You have been deeply traumatized and it is almost impossible to be grounded in one's thinking and emotions without professional support. You are "devastated" to lose a husband who is treating you cruelly. This is the outcome of domestic violence. Please find a counselor to help you, otherwise you may be drawn back into the cycle of abuse.
Your post is a very good reminder to all who read it that guns should never be present in the home of an alcoholic. One of my friends who left her alcoholic husband finally did so because of the guns. She knew in her gut she was in grave danger. Highly intoxicated, alcoholics are impulsive and uninhibited. And often filled with fury. They should never have access to a gun.
It is very hard to break free from a master of manipulation and verbal and physical threats, but you are well on your way. Please do keep moving forward.
I hope you will enter counseling very soon, you really will need a professional to help you through this. Money might be tight, but I hope you will get some professional help for yourself. You have been deeply traumatized and it is almost impossible to be grounded in one's thinking and emotions without professional support. You are "devastated" to lose a husband who is treating you cruelly. This is the outcome of domestic violence. Please find a counselor to help you, otherwise you may be drawn back into the cycle of abuse.
Your post is a very good reminder to all who read it that guns should never be present in the home of an alcoholic. One of my friends who left her alcoholic husband finally did so because of the guns. She knew in her gut she was in grave danger. Highly intoxicated, alcoholics are impulsive and uninhibited. And often filled with fury. They should never have access to a gun.
It is very hard to break free from a master of manipulation and verbal and physical threats, but you are well on your way. Please do keep moving forward.
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LucyintheGarden, totally agree and I am on it! I had been seeing a psychiatrist, and I added some other therapy via Talkspace, and I joined Al Anon. However, I think I need someone who has specific experience with alcoholics/substance abuse, so I am going to research finding a new psychiatrist. And on the guns point, the really sad part is that seems to be one of the things that my AH is most angry about - letting the police take his firearms and having an ERPO (extreme risk protection order) filed against him. His hearing to determine if the firearm ban becomes permanent is this week, fingers crossed that it does! But again really sad that he seems to care more about his stupid guns than what he did to me.
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Sanity, and expecting the normal rules of relationships to apply, does feel like tyranny to the A.
My A brothers have said things to me and acted in ways that are so clearly outrageous and unacceptable and then had some notion, due to their intoxication/hangover, that what they said or did "didn't count," or I was overreacting, or I pushed them to do it, etc., etc., etc. Quack Quack Quack.
Living in that atmosphere and growing up in an A home is a pressure cooker, and led me to some serious codie behaviors and beliefs. Codie beliefs and habits led to finding myself in dangerous situations in all areas of my life! AlAnon was what helped me start to turn my head around, I'm so glad you're giving it a try.
This SR community is tremendous also. Keeps things in perspective, reminds me I am not alone, not unique, not crazy...but that I have choices and work to do that I CAN DO because I can only change myself and my efforts towards my own growth and peace of mind are always rewarded.
Sending gentle ((((hugs)))) and a shot of courage as you take one step at a time!
Peace,
B.
My A brothers have said things to me and acted in ways that are so clearly outrageous and unacceptable and then had some notion, due to their intoxication/hangover, that what they said or did "didn't count," or I was overreacting, or I pushed them to do it, etc., etc., etc. Quack Quack Quack.
Living in that atmosphere and growing up in an A home is a pressure cooker, and led me to some serious codie behaviors and beliefs. Codie beliefs and habits led to finding myself in dangerous situations in all areas of my life! AlAnon was what helped me start to turn my head around, I'm so glad you're giving it a try.
This SR community is tremendous also. Keeps things in perspective, reminds me I am not alone, not unique, not crazy...but that I have choices and work to do that I CAN DO because I can only change myself and my efforts towards my own growth and peace of mind are always rewarded.
Sending gentle ((((hugs)))) and a shot of courage as you take one step at a time!
Peace,
B.
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You might find these articles interesting. They are from Floyd P. Garrett - a renowned addictions specialist:
Addictions, Lies and Relationships
"Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?"
To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, you'll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior.
This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!"
He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do"!
Addictions, Lies and Relationships
"Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?"
To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, you'll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior.
This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!"
He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do"!
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I just have advice on the suicidal part. My partner has been drinking for a couple of years and was pretty normal. And then the last six months it turned into a terrifying turn with him being suicidal and hospitalized twice, which scared the crap out of me. I looked into Ketarmine treatments and it really helps get rid of this suicidal ideation. He did 6 treatments within 4-5 weeks. I think I might have him get treatment every 2-3 weeks for maintenance. Especially, he's not a type to be compliant of taking antidepressant medication every day.
Getting it along with therapy, really helps a lot. Also it helped with him not having cravings for alcohol. It didn't fix his psychological need to drink so it didn't cure him and he still drinks just a little less but if you wanna get the depression and suicidal ideation quashed I went highly highly recommended go to Ketarmine treatments with thearpy. We found a doctor's office that gave it to him in a shot and also had psychotherapy with it as well. So it really helped out with a depression and also with some of the cravings. He still drinks but I'm not as scared with him killing himself. I think a lot of alcoholics have underlying depression that's never been diagnosed so it helps a lot.
Getting it along with therapy, really helps a lot. Also it helped with him not having cravings for alcohol. It didn't fix his psychological need to drink so it didn't cure him and he still drinks just a little less but if you wanna get the depression and suicidal ideation quashed I went highly highly recommended go to Ketarmine treatments with thearpy. We found a doctor's office that gave it to him in a shot and also had psychotherapy with it as well. So it really helped out with a depression and also with some of the cravings. He still drinks but I'm not as scared with him killing himself. I think a lot of alcoholics have underlying depression that's never been diagnosed so it helps a lot.
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The alcoholic husband in Chris's life threatened to shoot her Christmas Day. And he is currently "very cruel" when communicating with her.
Whatever helpful treatments might be available to an alcoholic, a woman who has been threatened by her alcoholic husband with a loaded gun is not the person to try to guide him toward any of those available treatments.
Every situation is different. But in your story, Chris, the risk of an explosive incident is very high. So please let go and stay away from him.
Whatever helpful treatments might be available to an alcoholic, a woman who has been threatened by her alcoholic husband with a loaded gun is not the person to try to guide him toward any of those available treatments.
Every situation is different. But in your story, Chris, the risk of an explosive incident is very high. So please let go and stay away from him.
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Originally Posted by LucyIntheGarden 
The alcoholic husband in Chris's life threatened to shoot her Christmas Day. And he is currently "very cruel" when communicating with her.
Whatever helpful treatments might be available to an alcoholic, a woman who has been threatened by her alcoholic husband with a loaded gun is not the person to try to guide him toward any of those available treatments.
Every situation is different. But in your story, Chris, the risk of an explosive incident is very high. So please let go and stay away from him.
Whatever helpful treatments might be available to an alcoholic, a woman who has been threatened by her alcoholic husband with a loaded gun is not the person to try to guide him toward any of those available treatments.
Every situation is different. But in your story, Chris, the risk of an explosive incident is very high. So please let go and stay away from him.
ALL OF THIS!!!
The power of F&F forum is that sharing here may be the first step in us learning and giving ourselves permission to STOP the insanity of trying to "help" or "support" the A.
I have always appreciated the "Let Go or Be Dragged" reminder...simple and succinct and sadly, oh so true.
ChrisHartLuck - hope you are safe and finding some peace of mind...
Peace,
B.
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Hi all, I love coming back to this thread and seeing all your wise and kind words! I have made some progress this week and working on my detachment and letting go of AH; it's hard and it is a not a straight line but I know that is okay. I also am focusing on working the first step in Al Anon, which has been insightful. And like I said just coming back to read your comments helps me when I feel like I am spiraling and going into control mode of what I want vs. reality.
This past Sunday was our last text communication, and probably will be for awhile. He demanded I give him half our savings; I said absolutely not, it's my savings funded by my income (reminder he has had no income for almost 3 years), and until a lawyer tells me what I am obligated to give you legally, I am giving you nothing beyond the current rental and credit card access for his medical appointments (which thank goodness I have a cap on spend; he tried to make some ridiculous purchases this week). I don't even have to be giving him any of this right now. His response was fine everything through the lawyers going forward. I am realizing this is so much for the better, not only for both of our recoveries, but also because I was willing (naively) to give him financial and emotional support, whereas he has shown no empathy for me and just sees me as his ATM. It is not acceptable and while it's been hard to realize he actually doesn't want to talk to me as a human being he was with for 23 years, I see more and more that how much of a different person he has become and is not in a place where he can offer anything to anyone.
This past Sunday was our last text communication, and probably will be for awhile. He demanded I give him half our savings; I said absolutely not, it's my savings funded by my income (reminder he has had no income for almost 3 years), and until a lawyer tells me what I am obligated to give you legally, I am giving you nothing beyond the current rental and credit card access for his medical appointments (which thank goodness I have a cap on spend; he tried to make some ridiculous purchases this week). I don't even have to be giving him any of this right now. His response was fine everything through the lawyers going forward. I am realizing this is so much for the better, not only for both of our recoveries, but also because I was willing (naively) to give him financial and emotional support, whereas he has shown no empathy for me and just sees me as his ATM. It is not acceptable and while it's been hard to realize he actually doesn't want to talk to me as a human being he was with for 23 years, I see more and more that how much of a different person he has become and is not in a place where he can offer anything to anyone.
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You know, you sound really clear about all this and that is such a plus for you.
It's hard though, you no doubt had plans and discussions about your future etc and now all of that has just gone away, with the alcohol. It can be difficult to deal with the expectation of what you thought you were going to be together and the reality of what is now and going forward.
But again, looking at it realistically is more than half the battle.
Now is a really good time to think about what you want to do, but small steps perhaps, it will take time to heal this.
Just our of curiosity, how can he afford a lawyer if he has no money?
It's hard though, you no doubt had plans and discussions about your future etc and now all of that has just gone away, with the alcohol. It can be difficult to deal with the expectation of what you thought you were going to be together and the reality of what is now and going forward.
But again, looking at it realistically is more than half the battle.
Now is a really good time to think about what you want to do, but small steps perhaps, it will take time to heal this.
Just our of curiosity, how can he afford a lawyer if he has no money?
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Thank you for the update CHL. You sound strong in your resolve.Like Trailmix said, that is half the battle. I struggled with acceptance for a long time. I just didn't want to accept that our life together had devolved into the mess it actually was. I didn't want to accept I couldn't fix it all, fix him, fix the marriage, fix our furture. It took me a while to figure out I needed fixing and that was all I had control over. Coming to the realization that Love was not enough was a pretty devastating blow to my foundations. In the long run that realization was a gift, but it sure didn't feel like it at the time. Accepting that realization is when I figured out that I was indeed grieving and it was OK to grieve. Giving myself the permission to still love him, and grieve for the death of our relationship and my dreams of a future with him was a very big relief for me. It didn't feel good by any means, in fact it hurt like hell, but it was sure easier than fighting those two very extreme very intense emotions.
I also hated to see the change in my ex husband...from the man who I thought would never PURPOSELY (alcoholic shenanigans aside) do something to hurt me into a truly hurtful and vindictive jerk was shocking. The self serving things he said and did to throw me under the bus when we separated were astounding to me. How could the father of my children and man I'd been with since we were 16, treat me with such vehemence after all we'd been through? After all I had already endured because of him? I then heard the term, "Addicts don't have relationships, they have resources"... that was a smack in the face, but the more I thought about it the more it seemed to apply. I stopped being a resource (in every sense of the word) and I turned into the enemy (in his mind). We are ten years apart now, we haven't seen or spoken to each other in nine years, we haven't communicated in any way for seven years...but I am still considered the enemy. I imagine that unless he quits drinking and does the hard work to truly get into recovery, I will remain the enemy...even though I moved three thousand miles away. When I think about the "relationships" my AXH has with people I realize, they are all resources to him, because when people stop supplying something he needs/wants from them, they disappear from his life. The supply line ever only goes one way with him. Yuck.
Hang in there. I know how rough all this feels right now but it does get batter the further away you get from the chaos.
I also hated to see the change in my ex husband...from the man who I thought would never PURPOSELY (alcoholic shenanigans aside) do something to hurt me into a truly hurtful and vindictive jerk was shocking. The self serving things he said and did to throw me under the bus when we separated were astounding to me. How could the father of my children and man I'd been with since we were 16, treat me with such vehemence after all we'd been through? After all I had already endured because of him? I then heard the term, "Addicts don't have relationships, they have resources"... that was a smack in the face, but the more I thought about it the more it seemed to apply. I stopped being a resource (in every sense of the word) and I turned into the enemy (in his mind). We are ten years apart now, we haven't seen or spoken to each other in nine years, we haven't communicated in any way for seven years...but I am still considered the enemy. I imagine that unless he quits drinking and does the hard work to truly get into recovery, I will remain the enemy...even though I moved three thousand miles away. When I think about the "relationships" my AXH has with people I realize, they are all resources to him, because when people stop supplying something he needs/wants from them, they disappear from his life. The supply line ever only goes one way with him. Yuck.
Hang in there. I know how rough all this feels right now but it does get batter the further away you get from the chaos.
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SmallButMighty and trailmix, I think I sound or read as more togetehr than I am. I mean, i am managing pretty well given everything that has occurred, but there is not yet a day that goes by that I don’t feel really despondent about the sudden changes with my AH and stunned by our life together being over. Im trying really hard not to dwell and stare at the past, especially when i am living in this limbo. But I think it is part of the grieving and I do need to grieve, but not get too pulled down by it. I did have a nice weekend with friends and family so I alos think the more i can do that the better.
How is he paying for a lawyer? Good question. Probably his father, or charging it to the credit card that was his alone and that he previously claimed I was “hiding from him,” and which he made the mistake of telling me he charged some things to when he first left the hospital. When i called him on it, he said well i had the number not the actual card…ok sure you did. But no acknowledgement of lying and spreading lies that he had no money or means if paying for things. But again like you all have said, he sees me as a resource only.
How is he paying for a lawyer? Good question. Probably his father, or charging it to the credit card that was his alone and that he previously claimed I was “hiding from him,” and which he made the mistake of telling me he charged some things to when he first left the hospital. When i called him on it, he said well i had the number not the actual card…ok sure you did. But no acknowledgement of lying and spreading lies that he had no money or means if paying for things. But again like you all have said, he sees me as a resource only.
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