End of Marriage to Alcoholic Husband
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Originally Posted by ChrisHarLuck 
SmallButMighty and trailmix, I think I sound or read as more togetehr than I am. I mean, i am managing pretty well given everything that has occurred, but there is not yet a day that goes by that I don’t feel really despondent about the sudden changes with my AH and stunned by our life together being over. Im trying really hard not to dwell and stare at the past, especially when i am living in this limbo. But I think it is part of the grieving and I do need to grieve, but not get too pulled down by it. I did have a nice weekend with friends and family so I alos think the more i can do that the better.
How is he paying for a lawyer? Good question. Probably his father, or charging it to the credit card that was his alone and that he previously claimed I was “hiding from him,” and which he made the mistake of telling me he charged some things to when he first left the hospital. When i called him on it, he said well i had the number not the actual card…ok sure you did. But no acknowledgement of lying and spreading lies that he had no money or means if paying for things. But again like you all have said, he sees me as a resource only.
How is he paying for a lawyer? Good question. Probably his father, or charging it to the credit card that was his alone and that he previously claimed I was “hiding from him,” and which he made the mistake of telling me he charged some things to when he first left the hospital. When i called him on it, he said well i had the number not the actual card…ok sure you did. But no acknowledgement of lying and spreading lies that he had no money or means if paying for things. But again like you all have said, he sees me as a resource only.
The thing is, although you may go down the path of looking at what was before he became who he is now, you realize how he is now. That can be very hard to accept. Wishing and hoping that he will revert to what he was are just that, wishes and hopes.
It might help to know that this isn't personal (although it affects you personally, of course). This is his addiction, calling the shots, ensuring the addiction can progress. Not in 40 days, over months or years, he just can't or wouldn't talk to you about it.
As you may have come across in other posts here, one minute the couple is having a good weekend, visiting the gym and the next minute the husband is in a van driving off to another state and living in the van and that's that.
https://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/..._Lies_Rel.html
"First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.
Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress"
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Join Date: Feb 2024
Posts: 4
Thank you for sharing. My ex just left me as well saying all the same things. It didn't come to a head in violence, but some very severe depression on his part Unfortunately I do have young children with him, but that is what the courts are there to help ensure the best choices are made for the kids.
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Join Date: Feb 2024
Location: NY
Posts: 8
JessicaLH, I am sorry you are going through a similar situation. It is devastating and hard to grasp the reality of your new situation. What I can say is, almost 2 months in now, is I feel like I am starting to make some progress with detaching from my AH and focusing on my own self-care and my own priorities. It has been one of the hardest experiences of my life, and the grieving has been awful, but going through the emotions is starting to help me process and change my perspective. I have a support system of family, friends, professionals, and online groups like this one, and that has been tremendous, just even learning that I can ask for help and talk to people vs. trying to figure out myself. And as you note, having legal support where it's needed.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 96
From an alcoholic's perspective, when I was in a bad place with my drinking, I definitely had that self-loathing feeling. I felt depressed, but it was 100% the alcohol that was fueling all of those feelings. I am not a violent or mean person, and so I didn't ever displace my disappointment in myself onto others. It seems to me that he doesn't want to accept personal responsibility for his actions or to make any genuine effort to quit. It is much easier to gaslight you and place the blame on you. As other people have reiterated, it does not seem safe for you to be in his presence. I hope that you can move forward in a healthy way for yourself. We are all here for you and wish you the best, but there is zero excuse to ever do what he did and blaming you for it is beyond reproach.
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