LoveMyAHusband

I feel like I’ve consumed so many heartbreaking stories about alcoholics leaving their families in early recovery. Do any of you have success stories to share? I’d love to hear about some of the roadblocks you ran into and how you handled them. I also would just love to hear some positivity!

(Small update: hubby has been home and doing well for 4 days. Despite all the reservations he expressed to me, all the actions I’m seeing are very positive - he is attending 4x/week IOP w/alcohol testing, and he is actively trying to build a support network. We went to his first sober softball game yesterday. Fingers crossed that he keeps putting in the work!)

Anna

LoveMyAHusband, there are lots of success stories. I stopped drinking about 23 years ago. At that time, I was about to lose my family, but I had no intention of leaving my family. And, it was the first time that I truly stopped drinking, rather than just not drinking for a few days here or there and slipping back. I decided that drinking was no longer an option, ever. I had to do a lot of work on myself which was quite daunting and had some ups and downs. But, in general, each day was better than the last. My biggest problem was dealing with the guilt and shame that I felt. Those feelings were helpful in some ways. But, at some point, I needed to focus on the positives, gratitude, and moving forward.

I wish the best for you and your family.

trailmix

hi LMAH, glad things are going well so far.

There are success stories, perhaps not that many in this forum as people tend to come here when they are in crisis and many never return with updates.

I have seen a few though, unfortunately the member names elude me!

trailmix

Some of these threads might be helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-stories.html (Success Stories)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-stories.html (Success stories?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-stories.html (Success stories?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-stories.html (To all ex addicts - I’d love to hear your success stories!)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-stories.html (Wanting to hear some success stories)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...epressing.html (Success stories seem few and far between- depressing)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-stories.html (success stories?)

venuscat

There are many, many success stories on SR—and there are a lot of us with long-term sobriety who stick around.

ToughChoices

My theory is that the “Friends and Family” forums tend to run a little light on “success” and heavy on chaos because the addict/alcoholic isn’t the person who reached a sufficient level of misery to join this site and begin posting.

As Venuscat said, SR’s Alcoholism and Newcomers forums are FULL of inspiring, long-term recovery. Reading there may be helpful (but could also be triggering, so take heed.)

Just more evidence that self-motivation is key to success in fighting addiction. If your partner is working his program and showing good motivation, that’s an excellent sign! No guarantees exist, but LOTS of people recover.

LoveMyAHusband

Having now read through all of these, I noticed that in almost every single one of these stories the outcome is the family breaking up. While I agree that this is the best option in many cases, is the outlook really that bleak for our family? It’s disheartening to hear so few stories where families were able to navigate recovery. It makes me feel like we are fighting a losing battle, which I don’t think is fair given that my husband is really throwing himself into recovery in a most encouraging way. Not that everything is perfect - this is all tricky to navigate. But it’s been mostly good so far (day 8 today - early days).

Offthemast

Be the exception. Nothing is predetermined or set in stone. Your future is what you make it. Good luck.

trailmix

I don't think the outlook is that bleak. By and far what will determine the chance of success is your Husband not drinking, period. I think you have two things working in your favour:

As you said, your relationship wasn't on the cusp of breaking down before he left the house.
He seems to be digging in and taking this seriously.

There are things that may trip him up, a bad day at work an argument, car won't start - anything that can put any of us in a less than stellar mood. How he handles that and even positive things (like a celebration) will be a good indicator of where he is at.

He's just at the beginning. How are you doing, are you two able to talk about issues (not just relationship stuff) but him having to leave the house, his parents, any of that, or have you put that on the back burner for now. Do you feel that at this point he is determined to not drink again?

ToughChoices

You are not fighting a losing battle - just a difficult one. And there is nothing fair about it. It's not fair that your husband has to deal with this life-long condition. It's not fair that you have to learn how to emotionally navigate the mess of addiction. None of it is fair or easy.

Many people fight valiantly and successfully! Many people fight valiantly and give up. Some folks never fight at all. What other people do or don't do does NOT predict what will happen in your life or your husband's life.

There is a kind gentleman that I go to meetings with who has been sober for 37 years. Each evening he ends his contribution by saying, "I know I'm not going to drink today. Pretty sure I won't want to drink tomorrow. We'll see what happens." At first it bugged me that he seemed open to the idea of drinking in the future, but I've since realized that he is simply being humble and wise. He's been alcohol-free almost as long as I have been alive. He can't predict the future, but he can make a decent guess based on what's happening today. You can do the same. There aren't guarantees, but there are strong hypotheses.

If you are seeing good recovery in your spouse and yourself, ENJOY. Breathe. Try to relax and be blessed by your family. You don't have to know the ultimate outcome of the novel to enjoy the story. If the plot starts to turn scary - that's when you'll know to make some adjustments. For now, I am so happy that he's choosing to do the work!

Alpine

Excuse me, My mind is not fully running on all cylinders due to some nondrinking issues.so if I don't write clearly I am sorry. I feel there is hope and I agree with the above statements about the family forums. Maybe check out the newcomers or the personal ones people do for accountability. My drinking was leading me down..or I should day us..meaning my husband and I down a dark path in our relationship. He was pulling further away from me and I continued to drink being blind to the reasons why our relationship was deteriorating. I hit rock bottom darn hard and stopped. I knew I had to and this month I will be sober for 1 year and absolutely have no plans to ever drink again. My relationship with my husband is great and back to normal and now that I have been sober I can see the huge damage I was doing. There are success stories, I just think once peopel are sober they stop coming because they don't need the support as much. Once again, sorry if my post seems choppy, my head is not thinking clearly.

LoveMyAHusband

I love this . Thank you!

LoveMyAHusband

I feel like we’ve had a couple bumpy days that previously would have led to drinking, but he handled those well. I know he’s been feeling a bit flat and like people expect him to be more upbeat, but he seems to be working through that, too. We haven’t been through any big celebrations yet (besides my brother’s birthday, but my family is very anti-alcohol, so drinking there has never been a thing). But we’ve been back around both our families now, and we had our first game night back with our friends last night (one of them is in recovery, and the rest are very supportive, so it’s a great group). He’s also getting progress made on his finances and figuring out what to do for work (considering going back to school again) - all great things.

I’d say I’m doing fairly well. Some days are hard because he is more distant and in his head, but I appreciate that he’s been open about how he feels during those times (afterwards). I got a bit triggered the other day but didn’t tell him about it: he went rock-climbing with some guys from his IOP group, and I was a bit bummed that he was gone for most of the day and that he didn’t invite me (I love rock climbing and gave it up after he and my climbing partner couldn’t get along and he eventually didn’t want to get up early enough to climb with me, either). I don’t think I would’ve felt the same way if he was doing a different activity, and I was glad he was making new sober friends, which is why I thought it made sense to keep this one to myself (it seems more like a me problem than a him problem, and I absolutely don’t want to discourage him from making new friends). One thing that came up in our couples therapy this week was around how much of our time we have spent together and how little time we’ve spent with others. The therapist wasn’t concerned or anything, but I do think that’s something that will probably need to change as he builds a bigger support system. That’ll be an adjustment, but it’s a good one.

I’ve chosen to put the family stuff on the back burner for now. They’re not actively causing problems, and I can be civil with them. Of course, if something new comes up we will have to address it. And I know I get uncomfortable every time I see them or he talks to them, so it probably won’t stay on the back burner for too long.

I think right now he’s pretty determined not to drink. He doesn’t pretend like he doesn’t miss it, but every time he says something like that he caveats it with something like “but it’s never fun anymore”. Like he’s reminding himself that the reality of it isn’t like what his rose-colored memory wants him to think it’s like. I appreciate his candor. I can see it’s a hard shift for him, but I do see him enjoying things he was too checked out for again, and I think that’s helping a lot. And I’m doing a much better job of staying out of it this time, which is such a relief!

LoveMyAHusband

Thank you for your kind words. I have felt like my husband’s words (to me - he tells other people what they want to hear) have been more like the man you describe. I don’t think he’s the type to make a guarantee when he knows there isn’t one. But his actions are speaking loudly to me. I agree neither of know the outcome of this difficult thing we are going through, but right now (at least for me and what I can see from him) life is really good. And sometimes the worry seeps in a bit, but it’s always good to remember that it’s ok to enjoy things when they’re good. I feel like I finally have my husband back (unlike when he was drinking or even his dry drunk phase last year). I really am very happy to be with him, struggles and all.

LoveMyAHusband

@Alpine congratulations on one year!! That’s so wonderful! And it’s so good to hear your relationship is still intact. It makes sense that people who are doing well would be less likely to stick around. Do you have any tips about how to navigate early recovery from either your perspective (as a spouse) or from your husband’s? So many people say they need space on their own in early recovery, but very few share about how they did it within a family dynamic.

ToughChoices

I have such strong memories of the time surrounding my ex's return from treatment. I was a mess of worry. I wanted to him to have 37 years of sobriety yesterday. I loved that man with a desperation made worse by the fact that I didn't recognize it. I'm not saying that you are doing that AT ALL, just that I can remember being told to relax and enjoy the good times and thinking, "Are you freaking kidding me??? Don't you realize that my entire WORLD is at stake here! Who could relax?!"

It felt impossible. I now realize that was because I was still entirely committed to controlling an uncontrollable situation. I wanted to know the end while we were still constructing the story. I didn't want to invest the time in writing a tragedy......romantic comedy with a touch of drama was more my aim. Also, I was getting some strong tragedy vibes from him, so there's that.

Looking back, my story may very well have worked out quite differently if I hadn't had such specific ideas of what the story would look like. Certainly my (understandable) fear and concern were stressful to my alcoholic loved one. I didn't make him relapse, but I didn't know how to handle myself, either.

Some people handle uncertainty better than others. I'm much better at it now than I was at 26. You sound like you may be pretty good at it, too. That's another positive! My current (sweet, funny, incredibly laid-back) spouse is also very good at managing the unknown on faith. This has been a total blessing to my personal recovery. He doesn't fret or ask for guarantees (though I know he has very specific standards for my behavior) - he trusts me to take care of myself and allows me some time in our family responsibilities to do that.

Take heart! It is normal to be concerned. It is a blessing to show some faith. If he is acting in a way that undermines your faith, pay attention. If he is shoring up your spirit with his actions, enjoy!!!

Alpine

Hmmm, I have to think on that one. I really did not need my space but Mr. A. did and I had to fully respect his wishes on that and realize it was me that needed to change what I was doing. I could not let that trigger me into drinking. I had to take responsibility for my behaviors with all situations. I could not and do not allow "triggers" to cause me to drink because that solves absolutely nothing. Mr. A kept himself somewhat distanced from me and was always skeptical if I went out shopping that I was going to get alcohol. I had to regain his trust again that I would not do that and it took work. Sure, I could show him him receipts, but things could still be hidden. He is pretty blunt and said if I drink again it is over.. He said when I drink I am not the person he loves and married and wants absolutely nothing to do with the drinking Alpine. .Tough love situation. I obviously don't know your situation, but if he wants to become sober he has to be 100% committed and no moderation. At least for moderation did not work. For him..Do not drink not matter what.
Once again, sorry if my thoughts aren't concise..Hang in there and I do have hope that things will get better.

trailmix

I understand what the therapist is saying about spending time with others. That works really well for some couples, not for others, you will find your comfortable balance I'm sure.

I don't get why he didn't invite you rock climbing either, however, maybe this is him sober? Maybe he likes guy time or alone time or time at the library!

Alcoholism, heavy drinking, can isolate you. How do you find you are doing in cutting a new trail for yourself. Are you ultra sensitive to him and his moods/actions or starting to relax a bit. For too long him and his problems have been the center maybe?

mylifeismine

"he went rock-climbing with some guys from his IOP group, and I was a bit bummed that he was gone for most of the day and that he didn’t invite me "

This is awesome!! He is making new friends/bonding with guys that don't drink. Think about
how much drinking plays a part in activities guys do when they get together....it is a real
problem guys have to deal with in sobriety. Sorry but I think you should be really grateful
for him doing this, I think it's a really great thing, nothing to be bummed about at all!
Are you involved in alanon? I'm sorry but I can't recall your support system? The time alone
thing is best and it needs to be mutual. You two were together 24/7 for some time and frankly
thats not sustainable or healthy. This is good growth, and hopefully you will expand your
friendships and activities with others, it is important for success.

LoveMyAHusband

I hear you. I catch myself too often wanting to do things I’d done before, but then I have to remind myself that it didn’t work. It may have slowed things down for a bit, but it certainly didn’t help in the big picture of things. I’m trying to approach this as you mention - realizing that things will go the way they go, not the way my idea of how it should go. It’s not always easy, but it gets easier. I also realize how early on this is, so I guess we shall see!