LovelyKaya33333

Hi ... If any of you would share your success stories of leaving an ex alcoholic partner... doing the work... and eventually moving forward... I would really love to hear your stories.

It feels impossible right now to feel like I will love anyone the same way again. I am 34 and I have never been married and never had children. I have an amazing career and great friends and I am really grateful for that but I have always wanted a family of my own and when I met my exAB I felt like he was the guy I would end up with. My whole family thought so too. He went on our family vacation with us that we take every year. It was my first time having a boyfriend around my family that much. It felt really good while I had it and I am so so sad it is over. The good part of it......This was before I found out he was an Active Alcoholic ...anyway thanks for listening. I just am feeling down tonight

honeypig

LK, here are a couple of threads to get you started:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rd-health.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-lessons.html

redatlanta

The best thing I can tell you is that if you put in the work to correct your own codependency and enabling behaviors you WILL be a success story. The lesson here in this relationship is NOT to end up in the same again. I am betting your dating history is inclusive of other problem children.
Whether it be alcoholism or just inappropriate behavior without addiction, the problem is the same. In my own dating history of have a whole bunch of problem children. Lots of relationships with lots of drama.

For me I would rather be single for a lifetime than end up with another screw up. There are many, many men out there that are GREAT partners - you will find one when you yourself are 100%. Guaranteed.

You can look at member Lizatola and Katchie. Both left their many years marriages to alcoholics, both are blissfully happy in new (non alcoholic no drama) relationships.

LeeJane

Success stories are about us working on ourselves to find out why we were attracted to addicts and why we stayed with them so that we can learn to value ourselves and not repeat the pattern.

I am on my third addict. I am working hard on myself.

My success story will be about me.

honeypig

I will echo LJ--I have nothing, nothing in my relationship history that even approaches a healthy situation. My criteria for getting involved w/someone has always been "oh, you're interested in me? well, that's good enough..."

It took me a long time to accept that XAH was simply not interested in changing anything and a long time to realize that I needed to take action myself, that I needed to save my own life even tho I couldn't do a thing about his, however badly I wanted to.

I may or may not get romantically involved again. It is NOT any kind of priority--I have never been alone for any length of time before and am finding I really enjoy many aspects of it. Besides, I am far, far from being ready for another relationship. However, what I am learning in my own recovery is shaping and changing my interactions w/friends, family and co-workers, not to mention how I think of and treat myself.

I was recently in Canada for my brother's wedding. His wife, a strong, intelligent woman who has worked her own recovery from childhood abuse as well as an abusive first marriage, thanked me for being a stabilizing influence for both of them. ME?? Seriously? We don't know how we've grown sometimes until someone else shows us...

Those of us here who are no longer with their A's did not leave b/c we didn't love them--we left b/c we were learning to love and value ourselves, too.

LeeJane

Really good post, Honeypig.

In my past relationships it was quite normal for me not to like my partners!!

I have heard this shared in my Al-anon meetings too, which was a comfort.

I don't think I have ever had a healthy relationship either.

healthyagain

I actually only started dating when I met my now-ex. It was one of those "love-at-first-sight relationships" (huge red flag). We started living together too fast, we got married even faster, and I did not even have time to really meet him . . . or to correct myself, I did not allow enough time to pass, I was rushing, and the trouble was just around the corner. He was an alcoholic, very controlling and "occasionally" abusive (emotionally and verbally).

Ten years later, I am divorced, no children, and a week ago, he got himself into rehab. Our relationship did not work, but we still have a chance as individuals to fix our lives and live them the way we want. And hopefully, I've learned my lesson. I have no desire to date at the moment. I am off the market and not looking.

But I am happy with my life. I do not want any intruders.

Wisconsin

Here is mine, posted shortly after I moved out last year. Since then I have only improved. My life is better. My children's lives are better. We are all happier, better adjusted, and more serene. I met someone very nice who treats me with tremendous kindness and knows enough about my history to give me plenty of space to focus on myself and my children.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ess-story.html

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I know I am in no way ready to date. I had been single for a year when I met my new exAB. RedAtlanta "problem children" so true. Every guy I have dated has been one for sure... Mostly addicts (pot addicts) this was my first alcoholic... I had a 2 year relationship with a self admitted Narcissist ( probably the worst for me ) ... but either way they had one thing in common...they were all emotionally unavailable... I have been in therapy before totaling 4 years give or take but this is my first time in alanon... Alanon seems to fit for me. I enjoy spending time alone. I have never been married so I have spent several years living alone and I do pretty well at it. Thank you for your feedback...

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you for this I just read this and I got teary eyed. What an inspiration. It gave me a lot of peace to read this. Thank you

firebolt

Oh HP - she's right! You are an inspiration to many, and are very valuable support to others in their recovery!!

LK, when I left XABF, all I could think about was how hard it is starting a new relationship, and getting to know someone all over again, let alone the stars aligning and falling in love. That was just my broken heart talking.

Love, schmuv.

Now - i want a happy and fulfilling life. On my terms. I want to cross things off my to do list - work and play wise, foster the good and important relationships with family and friends, help society, make changes at work and with my finances, be a better family member and friend, learn to listen better, learn to golf, fish for salmon, star gaze more, and ride the coastal highway.

I live in a peaceful, happy, CLEAN home. I'm friends with my neighbors. I am there for people that need me if it is within my capabilities, and they are there for me. I am fulfilled, and growing every day. If love comes somewhere in all this, GREAT. But at the moment, I have more work to do on me, my time is very valuable to me and I don't want to part with it much, and I enjoy a good portion of it alone.

If you can find a way to remove this from your daily thoughts, you'll be much better off. Turn your focus from relationships to YOU! Fear of the unknown holds us back so much. It takes time....it will come. If you can stay this course, you are already a success story. <3

CentralOhioDad

Maybe you will someone in even a better, healthier way! That's something to look forward to!

Loving for the sake of loving, without wondering, controlling, worrying, etc. Just good ol' healthy love! (What is that, exactly?)

Wisconsin

Also, people here talk a lot about how that "madly in love at first sight" thing is a huge red flag that an unhealthy relationship lies ahead. I laughed that off with STBXAH, because TECHNICALLY we had known each other for years before we reconnected and started dating. Of course, we hadn't seen or interacted with each other for 15 years before we reconnected and were suddenly madly in love at first sight.

Compare and contrast my feelings during the beginning stages of my current relationship. I felt comfortable. I felt understood. Yes, there was the thrill of someone new, and attraction. But I never felt like I wanted to (or was expected to) spend every waking second with this person, or that my life would cease to exist if we stopped seeing each other. My boundaries have ALWAYS been respected. It really is a stark contrast, and the whole thing just feels infinitely healthier and more fulfilling to me.

DMC

I've been out of my disasterous relationship with my XAH for about 6 years.

We were married for 11 years, separated for the last year or so after his 2nd inpatient stay. I basically told him he couldn't come home - I couldn't deal with it. Six months later I filed for divorce.

I dipped my toes in the dating pool while the divorce was still in process. Long story short, even though I'd already grieved my relationship for, oh, the last 5 years we were married, I wasn't ready. At all. So I pulled my eharmony membership and waited. And healed. And had a good therapist, who was cheaper than my damned good attorney.

Divorce finalized, paid his legal fees, my legal fees, 4 years of alimony (yes, to him) and took a LOT of time to find "me."

About then, I started to think about it again. Long story short, realized a colleague was also single and looking. Vetted him (we have lots of mutual friends through work) and finally asked. As it would turn out, his late mother was an alcoholic. Crazy. We went really, really slowly, and after being together for 2+ years, he proposed. We eloped last August.

Life is great. He cooks better than I do. (I can out bake him easily, though. Ha!) I've had to up my cleaning game since he and my Dyson are now best of friends (I swear, he's Mr Clean). We can enjoy a bottle of wine or a cocktail here or there, and I've never seen him drunk. No substance abuse issues. Gainfully employed. You know, all those things that should be no-brainers to "normies," but after the damage caused by my XAH (who was never abusive, FWIW), it has been refreshing, to say the least.

My ex died last year. He was only 36. I heard through the grapevine that he may have committed suicide, but had been having a lot of medical problems and basically wasted away to nothing. Just sad. He had so much potential, and lost everything to his disease.

So there are happy stories out there. Most of them involve a lot of healing, which takes a LOT of time. There are just some things that can't be rushed.

LifeRecovery

Kayla-

I was 34 when it all hit the fan. I was married.

There was a huge alcohol drunk concern two weeks into my marriage. I did not have the emotional ability to leave my marriage at that point, but I did have the ability to decide I could not bring another being into the relationship. Even though I had always wanted children. I had a the convoluted belief that I had made the decision to be with this individual my whole life.....I needed to honor that commitment. The quote "Let go, or be dragged," had not yet made it to my consciousness.

I am a number of years beyond my divorce now.

I am still not quite ready for a relationship. What I have accomplished is a feeling of peace and openness about what family might mean to me. I have made joyous job changes in this time, finally get enough sleep and relaxation, and am actively growing, changing and learning to love myself.

I am able to see that I may still have a family, and am seriously considering adoption.

Is it traditional, no. Does that bother me, not really. I do know that after coming through the journey of divorcing a loved one with alcohol concerns that because I am better in touch with myself I have the opportunity to be in better relationships (and I hope a better parent and role model) then I would have been while in the relationship.

For me a lot of my stuff has traced back to family of origin stuff. I think that for me I needed the relationship I was in to work through all that.

LivingLife4Me

I posted an update this morning.

Sue

Thomas45

There was also another thing in common - something about these men in particular attracted you to them. Narcissists, sociopaths, and active alcoholics (as a general rule) have the ability to appear exciting, charming, and make you feel some kind of 'spark' or 'soul connection' as they focus their attention on you to feed their own desires, for as long as you hold their interest (either as a whim or an enabler). All three may seem like the perfect examples of exciting matches who give you butterflies, until you realize that none of them have the capacity to empathize with the feelings of others.

Part of being a 'success story' is learning from our own actions and behaviors, and discovering why you end up in relationships with these types of individuals. Sometimes it takes therapy or counseling to figure these things out. Sometimes it takes intense self-reflection of your past or upbringing to look for similarities or patterns between your adult relationships and your childhood environment. Sometimes it requires you to examine the kinds of places you're meeting these individuals and adjusting your pursuits accordingly. In all situations, though, being a success story invariably requires you to do things differently than you did in the past, otherwise the past simply gets repeated.