LoveMyAHusband

Thanks for sharing, Alpine. I’m glad things have gotten better for you two. I think this part about regaining trust is something I’m struggling with a bit. I feel like a lot of trust was lost, and that’s a large part of why I feel paranoid sometimes, but saying I want him to regain my trust kind of feels controlling or like the opposite of detachment. Maybe the difference is that you worked to regain his trust rather than him asking you to work for it?

I do see that he understands that moderation won’t work for him. I think he’s sad about that sometimes. I think that’s ok, as long as it decreases over time. He has SO MANY wonderful things in his sober life worth staying sober for. Things between us have been SO GOOD, and he’s finally working his way back to being able to do some of the things he enjoys that fell by the wayside due to drinking. Fingers crossed!

LoveMyAHusband

I’ve always been supportive of guy time, but he doesn’t seem to need it much. Truth be told, he’s kind of a solitary person in general, and early on I was amazed he was willing to spend so much time with me without needed time to himself like he does with everyone else. So I think we will find a new rhythm. I am encouraging him to keep doing those kinds of activities. And honestly I would never have minded had it not been an activity that triggered some unresolved feelings from years ago.

Hmm, I think I go both ways. Sometimes I am ultrasensitive, but it also helps that I’m entrenched in my new job and working really hard to make a name for myself there. Having my own thing helps me gloss past some of the low moods for sure. I think the hardest thing for me so far has been his complete lack of sex drive since he got home. We’ve always been super active (even when he was visiting from the treatment center), so I’m at a bit of a loss about that. But I’m just looking for a good moment to ask him about it. Other than that one thing, I feel like I’ve been handling things pretty well.

LoveMyAHusband

@ToughChoices don’t be sorry! I completely agree with you! That’s why I didn’t say anything when it came up. I’m glad he’s doing these things. I do have al anon meetings, but frankly not a ton of other support. I had a bit of a falling out with my closest friend over all this (she was extremely triggered because she’s been in some very abusive relationships and is an ACA). I have family, but I don’t talk to them about this stuff much.

trailmix

I'm sure you have been! You are doing really well.

I don't know what medications he is on now and if they are new or differ from what he may have previously taken (if anything) but that could certainly explain the lack of sex drive. Although as you mentioned, wasn't an issue during visits.

That's great that you are encouraging him about activities, but honestly you don't have to be a saint. I might have been put out as well in the same situation if it was something I really enjoy. Then again I tend to be the more solitary person so would probably happily wave them off. Obviously you will have time to ponder this, but if it happened repeatedly, I would mention it. Especially if he isn't singling you out for fun outings as well.

Both these things roll in to what i was referring to about being ultra sensitive to him, as in not speaking up. Things like this (and I know it's early early days yet) can build up resentment over time, just something to keep an eye on maybe and check in with yourself to make sure your needs are being met and that you are happy with how things are going.

trailmix

How are you doing LMAH?

LoveMyAHusband

It’s been a bit of a roller coaster, but overall really good. We’ve been able to talk through tough spots (not all related to him - I had a rough day yesterday with it being Mother’s Day and some of the challenges with the kids lately, which affected his mood, which kind of snowballed, but ended up getting resolved at some point). He’ll hopefully have a job this week (he took some time to think through some options so he’s not stuck somewhere he’s miserable this time and is at a job interview for his top choice right now). I’ve been doing well at work and working through some exercise goals (he’s been coming with me every morning and then working on his own while I work in the afternoon). Overall, most everything is moving in a really positive direction. I’m starting to see some of the areas where things haven’t been resolved because they do come back up when I least expect them, so I’m trying to slowly work our way through them so it doesn’t feel overwhelming. I’m still hopeful.

trailmix

Well that sounds good so far. I hope the rollercoaster isn't one with too many peaks and valleys!

I hope he gets the job that he wants. That will probably make a big difference as well.

When you say things that haven't been resolved - that come up, do you mean on a personal, relationship level or in addictive behaviour?

Bernadette

Isn't success on the F&F side when we, the non-As, have grown and focused on our own recovery from our obsession with a loved one's drinking? When we stop egg-shell walking and truly live and let live?

My A father had his own success story when he got sober and found recovery and he really grew and blossomed as a human being. It was pretty amazing to see and to experience him being able to talk about his drinking and make amends to me was a real gift. If I am judging success stories I would say his is an obvious and easy one - but who am I to judge? Maybe he still carried tough disapointments and struggles that he didn't view as a success?

My A brothers continue to struggle with sobriety. For brief periods youngest A bro seems to grow a bit in recovery, but he relapses and the chaos flies right in. That may be his success story - the days he clocks in sober and working his recovery can count for him as a success. He seems to do best when he doesn't isolate but chooses to do frequent activities with other sober ppl. Non-As don't know what he's internally dealing with, only ppl who have walked in those shoes know how to meet the challenges of recovery.

Middle A bro is a roller coaster of drinking/not drinking/ never working any kind of program or therapy/carrying a lot of anger and resentment. But maybe his few sober months are his idea of success?

None of those scenarios, the As recovery or the As active drinking and self-destruction, mean anything to my success story - because I can choose to keep working my program, keep being honest about my own problems/dreams/goals and that is what success is all about for me - the success I can control and celebrate, the only success I get to judge, is on my side of the street!

Peace,
B.

LoveMyAHusband

The roller coaster has had pretty mild peaks and valleys, thank goodness. And things are mostly just good. We’ve been getting along much better than we have since his first detox and dry spell last year - it feels back to “normal” again (I say that in quotes because things have certainly changed a lot, but our level of closeness feels like it used to before I joined the enemy camp). I’ve been working on a personal
goal related to something I’m terrified of, and he’s been a really great support for me when the panic has set in (but that’s getting to be rare now - progress!!). I think that’s helped with the closeness, as well, supporting each other as we work through hard things.

It doesn’t sound like the job is going to work out, so he’s looking at his options, but when the world is your oyster it’s almost more intimidating. Not sure where he will land there yet. I think it’s been a bit overwhelming to him, but he’s staying strong and focused.

As for me and the unresolved things (on my end, not on his), I’m doing mostly well. But I’ve noticed that sometimes if we have a mild disagreement I have a fairly strong reaction to it (mostly internally - I manage to stay in control of myself externally). I think it’s lingering feelings from when he disappeared on me, and I felt like it was so easy for him to toss me aside. I feel like everyone in my life tends to leave me behind, and there’s a lot of hurt there for me, so when all that happened with him it was extremely triggering. Part of me feels like I accept him the way he is but I have to be perfect or else it’s not enough for him. I’m not sure how much of it is me vs him. I get anxiety pretty badly sometimes and say things that sound like I’m trying to rush others or like I’m frustrated with them (even though I’m really just feeling overwhelmed and anxious), and I feel like although he’s usually very patient about it he sometimes swings the other direction and then has trouble letting go of his frustration for the rest of the day. I understand his side because I know I can be difficult sometimes, but at the same time I wish he understood that I’m doing the best I can to manage everything. I have a ton on my plate between a pretty intense job, things being hard with the kids, and the stress of all that’s happened this year. That probably sounds worse than it actually is because, like I said, he’s a generally really patient person, and things have been really good. I’m just trying to understand why some small moments feel so much bigger than they really are.

LoveMyAHusband

@Bernadette I agree those are success, as well. I’m so glad to hear you’re finding happiness for yourself despite the challenges you have around you. That’s so wonderful!

On my end, I was just looking for advice from couples who’ve navigated sobriety and managed to stay together. I certainly know I’d be ok if things didn’t work out, but right now we are still working towards making our marriage work. Some of this part is really tricky, as we adjust to a new normal. I guess part of me also just wants to hear it can be done. We’re still soooooo early on in this journey (about 2.5 months now).

Coral2

Someone in one of my support groups told me the other night, “Recovery is not a race”. That resonated with me.