Thinking of Ending Marriage
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Thinking of Ending Marriage
Hi folks,
I have a thread in Newcomers about stopping drinking and a spouse or loved one starting or drinking more.
I think I am heading for imminent divorce. I have been married for 24 years and was an alcoholic since I was a late teenager. I have three years sober.
My wife suffers from bipolar and almost literally the day I quit drinking she upped her drinking and is now drinking alcoholically. On top of that, she lost a very lucrative job 15 months ago due to economic downturn, and her depression and drinking has taken over and she hardly does anything. I have grown tired of encouraging and being supportive. I just don't feel like it anymore. I'm starting to feel used.
I am 52 and my life changed completely the day I quit drinking. We have had a great marriage but now she just seems in a pit that I am tired of dragging her out of. I am starting not to care.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
I have a thread in Newcomers about stopping drinking and a spouse or loved one starting or drinking more.
I think I am heading for imminent divorce. I have been married for 24 years and was an alcoholic since I was a late teenager. I have three years sober.
My wife suffers from bipolar and almost literally the day I quit drinking she upped her drinking and is now drinking alcoholically. On top of that, she lost a very lucrative job 15 months ago due to economic downturn, and her depression and drinking has taken over and she hardly does anything. I have grown tired of encouraging and being supportive. I just don't feel like it anymore. I'm starting to feel used.
I am 52 and my life changed completely the day I quit drinking. We have had a great marriage but now she just seems in a pit that I am tired of dragging her out of. I am starting not to care.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Hi Shamrock,
I read your other thread, and my heart goes out to you.
s
This is going to sound dumb, but does your wife know how close she is to losing everything? I know it must be very hard to talk to her at the moment, but if it were me, I would tell her the truth. Either she stops drinking or loses you—end of story.
Honestly, that is exactly what I would do. I worked too hard for this life to lose it. s
I read your other thread, and my heart goes out to you.
sThis is going to sound dumb, but does your wife know how close she is to losing everything? I know it must be very hard to talk to her at the moment, but if it were me, I would tell her the truth. Either she stops drinking or loses you—end of story.
Honestly, that is exactly what I would do. I worked too hard for this life to lose it.
s
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HI Venus,
I don't think she thinks I would really leave, but I have shared it with her. We need to have a deep, deep conversation. The issue is so deep though. I am not sure if I can even handle the bipolar anymore even if she quits drinking It is just a record on repeat now for 24 years. I am so very depleted and I give 100% and she gives nothing. I am 52 and I want a life. I am too young for this.
I don't think she thinks I would really leave, but I have shared it with her. We need to have a deep, deep conversation. The issue is so deep though. I am not sure if I can even handle the bipolar anymore even if she quits drinking It is just a record on repeat now for 24 years. I am so very depleted and I give 100% and she gives nothing. I am 52 and I want a life. I am too young for this.
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I understand. s
I was thinking that she might be better able and prepared to deal with the bipolar if she stops drinking. It seems like her best option. One way or the other, I hope she can find a way to healthier place. xx
s I was thinking that she might be better able and prepared to deal with the bipolar if she stops drinking. It seems like her best option. One way or the other, I hope she can find a way to healthier place. xx
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hi Shamrock. Well certainly she can't deal with the bipolar if she is drinking.
It sounds like you are done. That's ok, you don't have to be anywhere you don't want to be. I would sit down (hopefully in a moment when she is sober) and explain to her that you have had enough and that you have decided to separate.
I would then explain the logistics (where are you going and when? Are there financial obligations for her? If she is leaving, when will that happen). So basically you need a plan.
Now, keeping in mind, this may be out of left field for her, you have had days, weeks, years to think about this, she hasn't, so her response could be anything. You may want to have the discussion then come back to it the next day or the day after. Perhaps even say, let's talk about this plan again on - Saturday morning.
Only you can decide if this is negotiable (the separation). If it's really not, then it should be made clear. Alternately, if you want to salvage something, perhaps you would need to tell her she needs to go to rehab, right away and get her bi polar attended to. Then perhaps see how that goes.
Anyway, that's my take on it.
Nothing easy about this, I know, but it is important to focus on your wellbeing as well. Congratulations on being in recovery.
It sounds like you are done. That's ok, you don't have to be anywhere you don't want to be. I would sit down (hopefully in a moment when she is sober) and explain to her that you have had enough and that you have decided to separate.
I would then explain the logistics (where are you going and when? Are there financial obligations for her? If she is leaving, when will that happen). So basically you need a plan.
Now, keeping in mind, this may be out of left field for her, you have had days, weeks, years to think about this, she hasn't, so her response could be anything. You may want to have the discussion then come back to it the next day or the day after. Perhaps even say, let's talk about this plan again on - Saturday morning.
Only you can decide if this is negotiable (the separation). If it's really not, then it should be made clear. Alternately, if you want to salvage something, perhaps you would need to tell her she needs to go to rehab, right away and get her bi polar attended to. Then perhaps see how that goes.
Anyway, that's my take on it.
Nothing easy about this, I know, but it is important to focus on your wellbeing as well. Congratulations on being in recovery.
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HI all,
This is not going to be very eloquently written, but I had a big day with my wife and need to get everything out before I forget.
I fumed all day yesterday. I did not have a pity party for myself, but I was enraged. I am NOT allowing my wife to use my former drinking as an excuse to excuse her poor behavior and when she takes her bipolar medication (which she does with fidelity) she is definitely much better than when she drinks. It occurred to me that her drinking has resulted in dependence. Plain and simple. But....I believe she also does this (she will call herself an "alcoholic" (so tired of that word) to excuse her lack of doing anything in our marriage.
Yesterday I got home about 4pm and could tell she had not been drinking yet, but also that she had not been up for long (Meanwhile, I had a 9 hour day like I have for 27 years). I asked her what she had done for the day and she stumbled over her words. I asked her when she got up, to which she said 12:30, but I called her out because she looked to unkempt to be up for 3.5 hours and she admitted 3.
I began cooking dinner as I was hungry and she was standing next to me. She said "Hey you" just like a couple does with each other in a movie. I said, "You know exactly what I am thinking right now." You guys---SHE LAID IT OUT TO A T. She literally said everything I have been struggling with with her from A-Z. I told her I was quite aware that she had known for some time exactly what she was doing and that I could not take it anymore.
I told Michelle that if she did not quit drinking she would have to be forced to go to rehabilitation or would be forced to move up North to her parents (which won't happen because they barely talk to her anymore--she is now "my problem" according to her wealthy family). I said that I was 52 and I loved her but that I was young and I had no intention of living the rest of my life this way.
I know people say things must be done immediately, but this is a 24 year marriage, so I am giving some leeway here. I told her she had until May 1 to quit drinking on her own (I know many would say, no it needs to be today, but I know my wife) and she has until May 1 to think about whether or not she wants to stay married to me. On May 1 if she has not quit drinking either she goes to rehab, or she moves out, or I move out. Period. No discussion. This is what it will be.
It was SO telling that she literally listed EVERY SINGLE thing that was bothering me and the last one was "and you are most angry because I am not respecting you and I am not treating you fairly and you resent me."
I told her I thought she had upped the drinking because if she was drunk all of the time that she could have an excuse to do nothing: "Poor me, I'm an alcoholic so I can't do anything." I called this PURE manipulation because she has drunk normally for 24 years. I also said it was a revenge attempt since I had put her through a lot while drinking but that that was not going to fly anymore because I am sober.
She told me she longed for the days when we did even better financially and I said, "Michelle, I still make the exact same thing....and have done well my whole career. You are the one who is not making a dime and is burning through your 401K which is jeopardizing our future"
We also discussed the bipolar and I told her that I did not believe the depths of her depression right now because of COURSE the alcohol was interacting with the meds but I am a trained therapist (almost doctoral level) and she was NOT clinically depressed. It was manipulation.
Her jaw was pretty agape during all of this. We had dinner and I went to sleep upstairs in my new room (it has been a week since we slept in the same bed we have for 24 years).
You guys.....whatever the outcome....I am DONE. Period. She either will do this or will not, and I think there is just as likely a chance of either, but though I am an optimist I am expecting it NOT to happen. That would suck and that would be a shame, but I am done. I am ready. I deserve more, and I shall have it.
This is not going to be very eloquently written, but I had a big day with my wife and need to get everything out before I forget.
I fumed all day yesterday. I did not have a pity party for myself, but I was enraged. I am NOT allowing my wife to use my former drinking as an excuse to excuse her poor behavior and when she takes her bipolar medication (which she does with fidelity) she is definitely much better than when she drinks. It occurred to me that her drinking has resulted in dependence. Plain and simple. But....I believe she also does this (she will call herself an "alcoholic" (so tired of that word) to excuse her lack of doing anything in our marriage.
Yesterday I got home about 4pm and could tell she had not been drinking yet, but also that she had not been up for long (Meanwhile, I had a 9 hour day like I have for 27 years). I asked her what she had done for the day and she stumbled over her words. I asked her when she got up, to which she said 12:30, but I called her out because she looked to unkempt to be up for 3.5 hours and she admitted 3.
I began cooking dinner as I was hungry and she was standing next to me. She said "Hey you" just like a couple does with each other in a movie. I said, "You know exactly what I am thinking right now." You guys---SHE LAID IT OUT TO A T. She literally said everything I have been struggling with with her from A-Z. I told her I was quite aware that she had known for some time exactly what she was doing and that I could not take it anymore.
I told Michelle that if she did not quit drinking she would have to be forced to go to rehabilitation or would be forced to move up North to her parents (which won't happen because they barely talk to her anymore--she is now "my problem" according to her wealthy family). I said that I was 52 and I loved her but that I was young and I had no intention of living the rest of my life this way.
I know people say things must be done immediately, but this is a 24 year marriage, so I am giving some leeway here. I told her she had until May 1 to quit drinking on her own (I know many would say, no it needs to be today, but I know my wife) and she has until May 1 to think about whether or not she wants to stay married to me. On May 1 if she has not quit drinking either she goes to rehab, or she moves out, or I move out. Period. No discussion. This is what it will be.
It was SO telling that she literally listed EVERY SINGLE thing that was bothering me and the last one was "and you are most angry because I am not respecting you and I am not treating you fairly and you resent me."
I told her I thought she had upped the drinking because if she was drunk all of the time that she could have an excuse to do nothing: "Poor me, I'm an alcoholic so I can't do anything." I called this PURE manipulation because she has drunk normally for 24 years. I also said it was a revenge attempt since I had put her through a lot while drinking but that that was not going to fly anymore because I am sober.
She told me she longed for the days when we did even better financially and I said, "Michelle, I still make the exact same thing....and have done well my whole career. You are the one who is not making a dime and is burning through your 401K which is jeopardizing our future"
We also discussed the bipolar and I told her that I did not believe the depths of her depression right now because of COURSE the alcohol was interacting with the meds but I am a trained therapist (almost doctoral level) and she was NOT clinically depressed. It was manipulation.
Her jaw was pretty agape during all of this. We had dinner and I went to sleep upstairs in my new room (it has been a week since we slept in the same bed we have for 24 years).
You guys.....whatever the outcome....I am DONE. Period. She either will do this or will not, and I think there is just as likely a chance of either, but though I am an optimist I am expecting it NOT to happen. That would suck and that would be a shame, but I am done. I am ready. I deserve more, and I shall have it.
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Well, you are a hero, as far as I am concerned. And I am hoping that Michelle takes all of this on board and makes the right decision. If she does, you two could heal the wounds and possibly fix your marriage.
I like your timeframe—I wouldn't be throwing someone out the door after 24 years, either.
I like your timeframe—I wouldn't be throwing someone out the door after 24 years, either.
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Loosing your job is not easy, especially not when you are older.
I have been made redundant 6 times.
The jumping through hoops for a new job was really hard, especially when competing with people in their 20's who have energy, no ties, pots of enthusiasm.
I cannot imagine how hard it must be too contemplate and succeed a job interview when you suffer from bipolar, are depressed and are self medicating with alcohol.
My confidence became ROCK BOTTOM.
You seem to be making decisions about Michelle's future - you say "I told Michelle that if she did not quit drinking she would have to be forced to go to rehabilitation or would be forced to move up North to her parents (which won't happen because they barely talk to her anymore--she is now "my problem" according to her wealthy family). I said that I was 52 and I loved her but that I was young and I had no intention of living the rest of my life this way"
Why not make decisions for you and let Michelle decide her own future?
I'm sorry to sound harsh but if I were to know that my family saw me as someone else problem, my mental health was spiralling and I had no job through NO fault of my own, I would be devastated and hope I might get some support. Thats a cruel situation in my opinion.
How did you support her battle with bipolar when you were drinking?
Not everyone finds work easy.
I had no choice but to go and get a job. There is no way I could support myself and my daughter without one. I have never been able to lean on a partner for financial support.
I spend most of my time hating work, but have no other choice than to do it.
I spend 5 days a week wishing I was somewhere else.
I'm limited in my choices for jobs as I have a teenager at school who I look after on my own.
But My goodness - the job searching, the rejections, the effort I put in to prep for interviews and the reasons I didn't get the job, I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Especially not someone who is suffering from a mental illness.
As we understand alcoholism, it is a disease.
Some alcoholics start drinking problematically early in life.
Others have late onset of problem drinking.
The job loss seems to have triggered the decent into alcoholism for her.
I thank God I have 11 years sober today and was not drinking when I was faced with my multiple job losses because I doubt I would have made it out alive.
I have been made redundant 6 times.
The jumping through hoops for a new job was really hard, especially when competing with people in their 20's who have energy, no ties, pots of enthusiasm.
I cannot imagine how hard it must be too contemplate and succeed a job interview when you suffer from bipolar, are depressed and are self medicating with alcohol.
My confidence became ROCK BOTTOM.
You seem to be making decisions about Michelle's future - you say "I told Michelle that if she did not quit drinking she would have to be forced to go to rehabilitation or would be forced to move up North to her parents (which won't happen because they barely talk to her anymore--she is now "my problem" according to her wealthy family). I said that I was 52 and I loved her but that I was young and I had no intention of living the rest of my life this way"
Why not make decisions for you and let Michelle decide her own future?
I'm sorry to sound harsh but if I were to know that my family saw me as someone else problem, my mental health was spiralling and I had no job through NO fault of my own, I would be devastated and hope I might get some support. Thats a cruel situation in my opinion.
How did you support her battle with bipolar when you were drinking?
Not everyone finds work easy.
I had no choice but to go and get a job. There is no way I could support myself and my daughter without one. I have never been able to lean on a partner for financial support.
I spend most of my time hating work, but have no other choice than to do it.
I spend 5 days a week wishing I was somewhere else.
I'm limited in my choices for jobs as I have a teenager at school who I look after on my own.
But My goodness - the job searching, the rejections, the effort I put in to prep for interviews and the reasons I didn't get the job, I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Especially not someone who is suffering from a mental illness.
As we understand alcoholism, it is a disease.
Some alcoholics start drinking problematically early in life.
Others have late onset of problem drinking.
The job loss seems to have triggered the decent into alcoholism for her.
I thank God I have 11 years sober today and was not drinking when I was faced with my multiple job losses because I doubt I would have made it out alive.
Last edited by Sasha4; 04-07-2023 at 06:15 AM. Reason: Missed out
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Hi Sasha,
Thanks very much for your comments, and I do take them to heart, I really do. We have had a wonderful marriage and I knew my wife was bipolar when I married her. I have been very supportive of her bipolar throughout the years. I do not blame my drinking on her bipolar whatsoever, but I will say I drank more when it worsened, which started about 2015. It is a very tough situation to be in.
I am all about letting Michelle do what she needs to do, but I need to care for myself at this time. I am utterly depleted and it can't be all about Michelle our whole lives. I am not a perfect man, but even drunk I was all about her bipolar and tried to help her.
Thanks very much for your comments, and I do take them to heart, I really do. We have had a wonderful marriage and I knew my wife was bipolar when I married her. I have been very supportive of her bipolar throughout the years. I do not blame my drinking on her bipolar whatsoever, but I will say I drank more when it worsened, which started about 2015. It is a very tough situation to be in.
I am all about letting Michelle do what she needs to do, but I need to care for myself at this time. I am utterly depleted and it can't be all about Michelle our whole lives. I am not a perfect man, but even drunk I was all about her bipolar and tried to help her.
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I don't think you need to justify to anyone, Shamrock.
Whatever you have to do is what you have to do. Your life, your consequences.
I'm divorced. Even though it was the right thing to do for me, it's still very hard - and there's no way to not second guess the decision.
Whatever you have to do is what you have to do. Your life, your consequences.
I'm divorced. Even though it was the right thing to do for me, it's still very hard - and there's no way to not second guess the decision.
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I think it's great that you two had that conversation.
I also think it's good that you told her what your boundaries are. Boundaries are for us, of course, but in this instance it was good you shared them because it gives her the opportunity to take action (or not), which seems fair.
Boundaries are different than rules, basically you decide what your boundary is (I will not live with my wife if she continues to drink after April 30th). If she has not quit one of us will be moving out.
Whether she goes to rehab or her parents at that point, well that is all up to her, but I understand you giving her options, it is a long marriage and you are trying to salvage that, if it's possible.
As for the employment, that's secondary, of course, at this point.
I really really hope this rights itself and that she decides to get sober, for you, for the relationship and most importantly for herself.
I also think it's good that you told her what your boundaries are. Boundaries are for us, of course, but in this instance it was good you shared them because it gives her the opportunity to take action (or not), which seems fair.
On May 1 if she has not quit drinking either she goes to rehab, or she moves out, or I move out. Period. No discussion. This is what it will be.
Whether she goes to rehab or her parents at that point, well that is all up to her, but I understand you giving her options, it is a long marriage and you are trying to salvage that, if it's possible.
As for the employment, that's secondary, of course, at this point.
I really really hope this rights itself and that she decides to get sober, for you, for the relationship and most importantly for herself.
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You're 17 days (this time) sober, correct?
I'm not understanding why you're focusing on all this stuff she needs to do.
Why can you concentrate on you? Why is harping on everything she "should be doing" ok for you?
I know she's not keeping the house "up to your standards. I will NOT live like that."
Jesus dude. Take a look at yourself.
I'm not understanding why you're focusing on all this stuff she needs to do.
Why can you concentrate on you? Why is harping on everything she "should be doing" ok for you?
I know she's not keeping the house "up to your standards. I will NOT live like that."
Jesus dude. Take a look at yourself.
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iAmSam
Perhaps you should read the OP comment again...
Perhaps you should read the OP comment again...
Originally Posted by Shamrock51 
Hi folks,
I think I am heading for imminent divorce. I have been married for 24 years and was an alcoholic since I was a late teenager. I have three years sober.
I think I am heading for imminent divorce. I have been married for 24 years and was an alcoholic since I was a late teenager. I have three years sober.
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I think the OP has a 3 year history of solid sobriety, with a recent week or so relapse. That is what I have seen in his posts. Perhaps he’ll clear up any confusion.
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I have had 3 years of solid recovery, with one week of relapse. I do not ascribe to the idea that I have to start all over. I got myself up, and feel right as I did before the relapse. So for me, I am 3 years sober, and they have been the best years of my life. My relapse was almost an "if you can't beat them, join them" idea, which I quickly realized was a huge mistake.
My sobriety is not in jeopardy at all at this point. I am right back to myself again and the last drink I had was March 20th. My wife was unaware that I drank. I own that I had a relapse, but I own my 3 years of solid, as TC said, recovery. And by recovery, I mean the real kind, with real work. Not white knuckling it, no merely abstaining. True sobriety. I own it. But I am not a believer that I am now on day 17. To me, I am still at 3 years because I will NOT, under any circumstances, drink again. It didn't take long to figure out where that was going to lead.
So, continuing with my story. I fell asleep tonight at 6 and woke up again at 9 to Michelle being drunk. I don't know what made her go out and buy wine, but she took my card and did. So that is where I am right now.
My sobriety is not in jeopardy at all at this point. I am right back to myself again and the last drink I had was March 20th. My wife was unaware that I drank. I own that I had a relapse, but I own my 3 years of solid, as TC said, recovery. And by recovery, I mean the real kind, with real work. Not white knuckling it, no merely abstaining. True sobriety. I own it. But I am not a believer that I am now on day 17. To me, I am still at 3 years because I will NOT, under any circumstances, drink again. It didn't take long to figure out where that was going to lead.
So, continuing with my story. I fell asleep tonight at 6 and woke up again at 9 to Michelle being drunk. I don't know what made her go out and buy wine, but she took my card and did. So that is where I am right now.
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I have texted her sister, Anne, and have told her the situation. Anne has been the only person in her family who has communicated with us in months. Her answer was that she needs to go to AA. Michelle will not go to AA. I have asked her many times. I told her that she is being abusive to me, and that if she does not stop drinking I can no longer stay in this environment. I also told her sister that I will not have Anne's death on my hands if she drinks herself to death, nor will I continue to live this unlivable life with her in these conditions. I got no response back.
I am not angry right now I am over this. I love Michelle but when do I get to love myself? When I choose to. And I choose to start loving myself now. I cannot make her not drink. I cannot make her go to AA. All I can do is focus on what I can do in my own life. Everything in my core tells me that I must stop this now for my own physical and mental health. I cannot "win", I cannot make her do anything. All I can do is offer support but begin to give a damn. about my own welfare. I shall not be dragged down.
I am not angry right now I am over this. I love Michelle but when do I get to love myself? When I choose to. And I choose to start loving myself now. I cannot make her not drink. I cannot make her go to AA. All I can do is focus on what I can do in my own life. Everything in my core tells me that I must stop this now for my own physical and mental health. I cannot "win", I cannot make her do anything. All I can do is offer support but begin to give a damn. about my own welfare. I shall not be dragged down.
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