HI all,
This is not going to be very eloquently written, but I had a big day with my wife and need to get everything out before I forget.
I fumed all day yesterday. I did not have a pity party for myself, but I was enraged. I am NOT allowing my wife to use my former drinking as an excuse to excuse her poor behavior and when she takes her bipolar medication (which she does with fidelity) she is definitely much better than when she drinks. It occurred to me that her drinking has resulted in dependence. Plain and simple. But....I believe she also does this (she will call herself an "alcoholic" (so tired of that word) to excuse her lack of doing anything in our marriage.
Yesterday I got home about 4pm and could tell she had not been drinking yet, but also that she had not been up for long (Meanwhile, I had a 9 hour day like I have for 27 years). I asked her what she had done for the day and she stumbled over her words. I asked her when she got up, to which she said 12:30, but I called her out because she looked to unkempt to be up for 3.5 hours and she admitted 3.
I began cooking dinner as I was hungry and she was standing next to me. She said "Hey you" just like a couple does with each other in a movie. I said, "You know exactly what I am thinking right now." You guys---SHE LAID IT OUT TO A T. She literally said everything I have been struggling with with her from A-Z. I told her I was quite aware that she had known for some time exactly what she was doing and that I could not take it anymore.
I told Michelle that if she did not quit drinking she would have to be forced to go to rehabilitation or would be forced to move up North to her parents (which won't happen because they barely talk to her anymore--she is now "my problem" according to her wealthy family). I said that I was 52 and I loved her but that I was young and I had no intention of living the rest of my life this way.
I know people say things must be done immediately, but this is a 24 year marriage, so I am giving some leeway here. I told her she had until May 1 to quit drinking on her own (I know many would say, no it needs to be today, but I know my wife) and she has until May 1 to think about whether or not she wants to stay married to me. On May 1 if she has not quit drinking either she goes to rehab, or she moves out, or I move out. Period. No discussion. This is what it will be.
It was SO telling that she literally listed EVERY SINGLE thing that was bothering me and the last one was "and you are most angry because I am not respecting you and I am not treating you fairly and you resent me."
I told her I thought she had upped the drinking because if she was drunk all of the time that she could have an excuse to do nothing: "Poor me, I'm an alcoholic so I can't do anything." I called this PURE manipulation because she has drunk normally for 24 years. I also said it was a revenge attempt since I had put her through a lot while drinking but that that was not going to fly anymore because I am sober.
She told me she longed for the days when we did even better financially and I said, "Michelle, I still make the exact same thing....and have done well my whole career. You are the one who is not making a dime and is burning through your 401K which is jeopardizing our future"
We also discussed the bipolar and I told her that I did not believe the depths of her depression right now because of COURSE the alcohol was interacting with the meds but I am a trained therapist (almost doctoral level) and she was NOT clinically depressed. It was manipulation.
Her jaw was pretty agape during all of this. We had dinner and I went to sleep upstairs in my new room (it has been a week since we slept in the same bed we have for 24 years).
You guys.....whatever the outcome....I am DONE. Period. She either will do this or will not, and I think there is just as likely a chance of either, but though I am an optimist I am expecting it NOT to happen. That would suck and that would be a shame, but I am done. I am ready. I deserve more, and I shall have it.