advbike

Of course she drank. Things were going great, then you "had the talk"?

Of course that's your prerogative, but don't be surprised that she drank.

She was emotionally crushed, and it's her way of coping.

trailmix

Yes, many times when the alcoholic is going to have to face consequences (like a relationship break down) they will rally for a day or two or even a week or two (as in stop drinking). This may also play out over the next couple of weeks again.

I'm guessing you had the talk again (as I understood you had already told her this), to ensure she understood as she had been sober for a few days?

Now again, that is not to say there is no hope, maybe one day she will decide to get help, maybe in a week! But you may want to proceed with your plan anyway, you sound done. Any more damage to this relationship will only confirm that for you.

Whether you want to revisit the relationship at another time is, of course, your choice to make.

If you think about it, you may actually being doing her a favour. Firstly, the damage to the relationship (no matter what it will be or not in the future) will effectively stop. Secondly, she will be able to focus on herself only and make whatever decisions she is going to make. That might help her to get sober, it might not, but that's up to her.

I'm sorry it came to this Shamrock.

Hawkeye13

As someone who wears both hats—that of former drinker, and that of family related to drinkers (mother and spouse), here is my take on it. I think your earlier talk shook up her status quo, and she went on best behavior to try and get you off her back about the drinking so she could get back to it, and then when her brief sobriety did not take your attention away from imminent separation should she continue to drink, she drank anyway.

None of that is your fault in any form—you just told her what you needed, and she was unable to manipulate you as she had in the past by a little good behavior, and because she is addicted she drank. What she did was exactly what I have done, and had done to me, many times. People have patterns of behavior, and we enact them to get what we want.

Your saying you are no longer going to continue enabling her drinking by continuing to live with her and do all household chores, financial support, etc. broke the expected pattern, and I think that’s a good thing. Now you have to mean what you said and stick to it, or it shows her that your boundaries are meaningless and she can keep drinking no matter what you say or do. That’s the hard part because you love her.

I’m sorry that she didn’t stick to sobriety and I know it must be especially hard for her given her additional mental health and employment issues, but you have to take care of you and in one sense you are helping her by not letting her easily continue the self-destructive behavior by keeping the status quo. She is an adult, and has the right to make choices—but so do you and please don’t forget that. Moving out on May 1 may be the very best thing that could happen in this situation, because you will get some space and she may choose to get serious and get some help with her problem.

ToughChoices

I have found that, for me, ignoring problem behaviors in the hopes that they will disappear only cause the problems to grow. It puts some kind of quiet "approval" stamp on the issue. There are petty annoyances that can be graciously overlooked, and then there's untreated mental illness and active addiction. No looking over that.

It is likely best for you and for her to face it head on. It is possible to compassionately love someone (and yourself) enough to REFUSE to continue in the problem.

Caramel

Shamrock, I hope that you, and your wife, will be living the best lives for each of you in the future.

I wish you each the peace and loving relationships you deserve.

Shamrock51

Thanks you guys. Space is exactlY what I need. I have been working a lot lately and very hard, and to come home to a drunken wife every night who is doing nothing is just not OK anymore. We will separate. I can't take this anymore. When we do she can do what she wants, and all I want is piece. I am not even sure at this point that I would ever want to visit this again. She does not seem to care enough to make any sort of effort at all, and I cannot abide by that. I am too young, and I have given enough and have overcome my own drinking. She refuses to do one damned thing to save herself and salvage out marriage. Done here May 1st, and most likely for good. It can't get here fast enough, is all I can say. Thanks to everyone for your words of wisdom. I am always one who listens to reason.

Free2bme888

Shamrock, I understand the peace of a decision made, and the ambivalent feelings that may go with it.

Wishing you the strength to keep your boundaries, and peace for you both.

Much love,

LoveMyAHusband

Good for you for doing what feels right to you. Nothing can make you do it until you’re ready, which it sounds like you are. I have no idea what the outcome of my story will be yet, but I also chose to ask my beloved husband to leave. It was the hardest month of my life after that - I missed him terribly. But I still don’t see any way in which I could’ve stayed and felt ok about it. I couldn’t continue letting him backslide and hurt our relationship, our family, and himself in front of us. He spiraled horribly afterward, and I was afraid for his life. But I was also grateful not to have a front row seat to it. And he did eventually get into treatment, but if he hadn’t I can’t even imagine how much worse my life would be right now if he was still here at home. You’re doing the right thing by following your gut here.

That said, I’m sorry for all the hurt you’re experiencing. Even when you make the right choice for you, there’s so much second-guessing and hurt. One book that helped me a lot is Getting Them Sober. It’s an easy read, and it gave me a lot of comfort when I was questioning my decision.

Behappy1

I have been following this thread and was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was inevitably coming. I've seen it a million times in myself too - do very well for a week, 10 days - people are thankful, proud and then it drops. I understand why she drank. I understand also why you want/need to leave. Just as that switch (to drink, not to drink) flipped in her it flipped in you as well to leave. I have been on both sides of the fence also. You've been with her for a long time as i was with my xah. The dance is the same. Something has to change or it's just more status quo. I wish you the best, the polar opposite paths that change daily are exhausting. Every single demand/request/stipulation I gave my xah was a feable attempt at him to walk the "straight and narrow." Every attempt failed. I think you know this has to be HER that makes this choice. I hope she does - maybe she will realize you're not joking or playing around anymore that this is the end of the road. If she doesn't, you have to be prepared to leave or face more of the same.

Shamrock51

I let her know last night (she was drunk, of course) that a separation is not a divorce yet, but I cannot be in the same home with her after May 1st. I have already contacted a couple of apartments that are nicely furnished that I could just move right in. I have to do this for me. She will continue to receive my financial support, of course, but I will likely pay her bills for her and she gets no extra money to drink. She still has her own personal 401K though and I imagine she'll use it as she pleases. I have realized that this is life or death for me, and maybe her, but I deserve to not have to endure this. She has the right to not stop. I have to live.

Carlotta

And ultimately, this is what detaching with love is all about!

Just a warning from another double winner who left an alcoholic partner many moons ago: this is going to be super difficult and you will second guess yourself at times and you will feel the loss. She will very probably try to change your mind and even manipulate you. I hope for your own sake that you stick to your guns. No one knows what the future has in store for both of you but you definitely can't live your life waiting for someone to get their act together. Mine had hit me which made the decision much easier. From your posts, you still have a lot of love in your heart for that woman which is good as long as you don't let it affect your decision to self preserve.

You are going to probably feel a mix of great loss and grieving for what your marriage could have been as well as a sense of freedom and finding your own wings.
You will also be in a situation where you are alone and won't have to be the "responsible adult". Make sure you keep your oxygen mask solidly on during this transition.

You are doing well when it comes to the F&F side of things but remember that you are also an alcoholic and when you leave use all your tools.
Big changes in life circumstances and loss are a red zone for double winners.
I just lost my (non alcoholic) husband and I am really amping up my recovery both on the A side and the Al-Anon side even though I have some time under my belt no desire to drink and no alcoholic loved ones left in my life (aside from me). This is also what I did back in the days when I broke up with my XABF.

Use your tools and also stick to your guns comes May 1st. You deserve to live a good stress free life and to find happiness <3

Shamrock51

Carlotta and others----thanks to you all for such wonderful posts. They are all so incisively helpful.

Last night my wife tried to have a huge fight with me the moment I walked in the door. In retrospect I should have just left and gone to a hotel. I have long hours today and she would not stop ranting for hours.

I will not get into all of the gory details, only to say that her whole stance was everything about me and nothing about her or the faults she has had as a person. It was extremely hurtful, because a lot of what she said was true, but said in an unhealthy way, and some of the things I had no idea where she was coming from. I did not engage her, but sat and listened until I could no longer and I went up to my room, where she continued to yell from downstairs. Eventually I fell asleep.

I was told what a horrible alcoholic I had been (true) and how I was never kind to her (very false). I was told she stood by me through all of the alcoholism (very true) and that I was not willing to do the same for her (false, I have been). I did tell her the key difference was that I decided to quit and have been for 3 years, and fully in recovery.

She said other things such as when we were younger she made a lot more money than I ( true) and that she "gave me a nice life." (Partially true, but I always gave her exactly half or as much as I could afford because she insisted on really expensive everything and at times I couldn't afford my "half"). She said that I had only given her really nice things in the past five years (to which I responded, "That's when I started making good money and could afford to." She was also angry that her sister had sent $1,000 to "us" at Christmas, and that she agreed on splitting it with me because I was paying for everything." I told her she could have my $500 back, that I had only kept it because I didn't want her to buy more alcohol with it.

Y'all, I am NOT perfect. I remind her of that all the time. But this was a tongue lashing like I've not seen out of her, maybe ever. She said that she might be the one who moves out on May 1st or sooner (I said either was fine.). Though I did not engage her because I don't like to yell, I tried to acknowledge everything that was valid and defend myself against the untruths.

She only drank some wine that I saw but I suspect much more. I couldn't tell if she was drunk or not when I got home because she started in on. me so quickly that I couldn't tell.

I am so glad that I am going to work today. If I come home today and she does the same thing, I am going to go get a hotel room. I cannot listen to it again.

Thanks for listening. All of you are wonderful. Big hugs, John

biminiblue

Just be careful with how you do this...in the States, you can be considered to have "abandoned" her if you just move out and that doesn't work in your favor before the courts when you divorce.

I would contact an attorney ASAP and arrange a legal separation before you move out. You also need to protect and lock down your finances NOW - like today.

Mizz

I am sorry this situation is getting more intense. It does make sense that it would. You are doing what you need to do to keep your side of the street clean. If going to a hotel allows for some space and cooling off time, then this makes perfect sense. You will get through this. One step at a time.

Hawkeye13

Protect your money today—bim is right like immediately—if she has access she may withdraw from your account and there is little you can do about it

trailmix

I think getting a hotel or air bnb is a great idea. Yes, there is no use engaging in this exchange any longer. I'm not surprised she got angry, that's a pretty normal response for some.

Bottom line is though, when separating or divorcing, it doesn't really matter, that is all history. What we take from our behaviours (or lack of) is for us to ponder. We can all learn.

Shamrock51

I have secured my accounts today that are solely in my name, and I have taken out exactly half of what is in our joint accounts. I will continue to support her as any decent human was. She has a right to half of everything I own, and I am OK with that. Now I'm starting to get pissed with how verbally abused I was. I have gotten a hotel tonight anyway. I don't want to be around her tonight.

Hawkeye13

Good job acting quickly and decisively. Next step is to make appointment to get formal separation in place to know your rights, obligations, etc. I respect and agree with your decision to split assets, but there are liability issues (DUI etc.) to think of now also. Also cancel any joint credit cards if you haven’t already and change passwords on your devices. Excessive maybe but better safe and unnecessary than sorry. I think a quiet peaceful night will clear your head quite a bit.

Behappy1

I agree with the others. If this is the path you're being led too, buckle down for a fight. I know that I had to do damage control before it even happened. Feelings, emotions and a long history are involved. I had to compartmentalize my feelings to fix/demand/change my ex and my common sense to get through my divorce. Things obviously got heated with your wife. It sounds like she has been on both sides of the fence as well with your previous drinking. It can get accusatory - and rightfullly so. Neither side of the fence is a fun place to be. I've been there as well. Hopefully you can have a calm weekend.

AJeff

Shamrock, I just came to say that my situation has some similarities to yours, right down to the names of the people, but I'm the wife in this case, though I do not drink. I've never posted before. I was searching the site for some clarity to my own situation and found your thread. I want to tell you that I understand some of what you are going through (seems so similar to my husband) and I also think I understand some of what your wife is going through. I've been married 27 years, he's been sober just over a year, and he was drinking for 10-14 years before that without me knowing at all. The day I found out is the day he started getting help and has been sober ever since. Mentally though, it has been a rollercoaster for both of us. Overall I'm proud of him for stopping the drinking and feel compassion for the pain he was in, but I also feel resentment for the life I am now in, and I have a level of constant underlying emotional pain even on our very good relationship days. I have my own business and I'm a responsible person, but I do wish I could just stay in bed and catch up on the sleep I have missed for years. My guilty pleasure is sleeping in until 9 if I don't have any clients or appointments, or sometimes going back to bed until 9 or so after my teenager has left for school and husband for work. In some ways, I can empathize with your wife and see how you've described what she is doing as just a more extreme response than mine, though possibly for similar reasons. Anyway, in my case, I wish my husband could show more compassion and empathy for me in general about lots of different issues that arise. He feels he's giving so much to me and our relationship, but I don't feel it. I feel almost alone when I'm sad, and I tell him so, and he says he's right here for me, but yet I don't feel it. I also have a complicated relationship with my mother, and yesterday was a very difficult day dealing with her, and I wanted more support from him. He did give some, but I wanted even more. That is often the case with any issue that arises lately - he offers some support, but I want even more. I wish I didn't feel like that, but often I do. So, keep hanging in there, John, and hopefully my John will keep hanging in there too, as will I. Hoping for a better day tomorrow (today actually, as it's after 6am already, though I'm hopefully going back to sleep for another 2 hours as soon as I'm done posting!). I'm trying to remember the one day at a time concept, but it's challenging in the moment. I have a few key concepts that I have pinned to the top of my Google Keep notes to refer to and keep mindful of. One is - Love my person where they are. Another is - The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connection. Another is - Can I "afford" to do this? If I do it and get nothing in return, will I resent it? Maybe these will help you, or others reading this. In my situation, and likely in yours too, there is no completely correct answer for how to proceed, and no one else can tell you what the right way through it is. It's an intensely personal decision of what you feel you can live with, and in my case anyway, my answer varies multiple times throughout the day on the bad days. On the good days, everything seems possible and easy. Hoping for more good days. Learning how to get through the difficult days. I'm glad I found this forum.