Thinking of Ending Marriage
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
It took me years of fighting to figure out that my alcoholic loved one was outside of my control.
I mean, I knew he was out of control, but I still held onto the notion that there was some particular combination of concern, understanding, and firm resolution (perhaps combined with a clean house and lovely smile?) that would “show” him the way. There was not. I showed him my way, and he basically said, “Nope. Not gonna be able to do that.”
It is a blessing to be of clear mind about your locus of control over her drinking.
I might, gently, suggest that you move her housework, job-finding, and sleeping habits into the “out of your control” column, too. You have stated your opinion. She has listened. She’s unable (due to drinking or depression or psychiatric issues) or unwilling (due to resentment, fear, or ignorance) to compromise/comply at this time. She’s in a bad spot, and alcohol is her “go-to” way out. You have some familiarity with this, I presume.
It helped me move forward when I stopped pushing my partner to be more than he was capable of. Pushing just caused EVERYONE pain.
It seems very reasonable to set a date, give her the grace of some time to think, drink 🤦♀️, and make decisions. Then act with love for yourself and acceptance for her struggle.
I mean, I knew he was out of control, but I still held onto the notion that there was some particular combination of concern, understanding, and firm resolution (perhaps combined with a clean house and lovely smile?) that would “show” him the way. There was not. I showed him my way, and he basically said, “Nope. Not gonna be able to do that.”
It is a blessing to be of clear mind about your locus of control over her drinking.
I might, gently, suggest that you move her housework, job-finding, and sleeping habits into the “out of your control” column, too. You have stated your opinion. She has listened. She’s unable (due to drinking or depression or psychiatric issues) or unwilling (due to resentment, fear, or ignorance) to compromise/comply at this time. She’s in a bad spot, and alcohol is her “go-to” way out. You have some familiarity with this, I presume.
It helped me move forward when I stopped pushing my partner to be more than he was capable of. Pushing just caused EVERYONE pain.
It seems very reasonable to set a date, give her the grace of some time to think, drink 🤦♀️, and make decisions. Then act with love for yourself and acceptance for her struggle.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 62
Yes, like a movie I once saw, I have thought that if I said just the right combination of things to her, or did everything for her, or shared how I quit drinking, or just anything that it would help. It has not.
I have a strong internal locus of control and believe that everything I do is a result of my own actions, not others or to the whims of the universe (I do strongly believe in God). I also understand that a huge part of bipolar is a tendency toward an external locus of control: "Everything happens to me, God won't hear my prayers, only bad things happen to me." It is a cycle of rumiinations that is both difficult to watch and difficult to endure. To have someone you love and value so much hate their very essence and core of being.
I have been cleaning the house completely because she will not or cannot and I am OK with that. I have set up job interviews for her and she will not follow through. We had our seemingly breakthrough talk the other night where she was able to verbalize to a T everything I was feeling, yet she doesn't have the capacity to not hurt--whether it be me or her.
The pushing has definitely caused everyone pain because really it has just highlighted that she will not or cannot do it. It is not going to happen.
We live in an apartment as we were going to build a home, and our lease is up on August 1st. I will not sign another lease with her. Either she can stay and I will leave or vice versa. She is welcome to half of everything I own and have ever made. I will continue to love her but I will have to go no-contact. I just cannot do it anymore. In the meantime I need to figure out a way to navigate all the way to August 1st. I cannot afford to move out until this lease is up. Carrying the burden of all expenses has really run me tight and I have a pension that cannot be broken into. It is what it is.
She is now passed out. I told her (and I know that she was intoxicated, so I will tell her again) that if she cannot or will not stop drinking that we must separate. She had nothing to say about it and she was blank. It. hurts a lot but I just do not see another way. Thanks to TC and everyone. I will be posting in here several times a day because I really need it.
I have a strong internal locus of control and believe that everything I do is a result of my own actions, not others or to the whims of the universe (I do strongly believe in God). I also understand that a huge part of bipolar is a tendency toward an external locus of control: "Everything happens to me, God won't hear my prayers, only bad things happen to me." It is a cycle of rumiinations that is both difficult to watch and difficult to endure. To have someone you love and value so much hate their very essence and core of being.
I have been cleaning the house completely because she will not or cannot and I am OK with that. I have set up job interviews for her and she will not follow through. We had our seemingly breakthrough talk the other night where she was able to verbalize to a T everything I was feeling, yet she doesn't have the capacity to not hurt--whether it be me or her.
The pushing has definitely caused everyone pain because really it has just highlighted that she will not or cannot do it. It is not going to happen.
We live in an apartment as we were going to build a home, and our lease is up on August 1st. I will not sign another lease with her. Either she can stay and I will leave or vice versa. She is welcome to half of everything I own and have ever made. I will continue to love her but I will have to go no-contact. I just cannot do it anymore. In the meantime I need to figure out a way to navigate all the way to August 1st. I cannot afford to move out until this lease is up. Carrying the burden of all expenses has really run me tight and I have a pension that cannot be broken into. It is what it is.
She is now passed out. I told her (and I know that she was intoxicated, so I will tell her again) that if she cannot or will not stop drinking that we must separate. She had nothing to say about it and she was blank. It. hurts a lot but I just do not see another way. Thanks to TC and everyone. I will be posting in here several times a day because I really need it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 62
I am up very early this morning and I am grieving. I do not want to lose my wife. Michelle has been there for me in times of deep despair. I just feel so worn out and broken. I talked to her sister again last night but she didn't really have any words of encouragement. I think they are all sitting back and wondering what I will really do. I do not want to leave my wife but I cannot be broken like this. I have been praying a lot this morning.
Today is a mutual birthday lunch for my brother and me, as we were born 13 days apart and my birthday was this past week. I asked Michelle to go and she agreed. I am just worried that she will not wake up in time for it. After she passed out last night she did not stir.
You guys, this is so hard when there is mental illness on top of alcoholism. It is hard to tease the two apart and all lines become blurred. Today I am going to love my wife and pray and hope that Michelle can get better. It is my greatest wish. Thanks for all of the continued support.
Today is a mutual birthday lunch for my brother and me, as we were born 13 days apart and my birthday was this past week. I asked Michelle to go and she agreed. I am just worried that she will not wake up in time for it. After she passed out last night she did not stir.
You guys, this is so hard when there is mental illness on top of alcoholism. It is hard to tease the two apart and all lines become blurred. Today I am going to love my wife and pray and hope that Michelle can get better. It is my greatest wish. Thanks for all of the continued support.
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 279
Big hugs, Shamrock! ❤️ 
Slowing down is a good idea. You don't have to decide anything today. Take that pressure of your shoulders. Focus on yourself now. Did you consider AlAnon for yourself? You can't fix her, you can't resolve such a tangled situation immediately, you certainly can't do it by sheer will and strong emotions, and rushing to rip off the bandaid is probably not the solution either. AlAnon is a lot about focusing on yourself, healing your wounds, and detaching lovingly. And often things become clearer and the situation resolves itself in the process.
Enjoy your birthday lunch no matter what.
Slowing down is a good idea. You don't have to decide anything today. Take that pressure of your shoulders. Focus on yourself now. Did you consider AlAnon for yourself? You can't fix her, you can't resolve such a tangled situation immediately, you certainly can't do it by sheer will and strong emotions, and rushing to rip off the bandaid is probably not the solution either. AlAnon is a lot about focusing on yourself, healing your wounds, and detaching lovingly. And often things become clearer and the situation resolves itself in the process. Enjoy your birthday lunch no matter what.
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Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 252
A book that helped me through a lot was Getting Them Sober. It’s not what it sounds like, and it’s a super easy read. It might help you get in a better headspace before you get to April.
Best wishes to you and your wife. It is such a difficult situation to be in because it’s clear that you care very much. I hope you find peace. She won’t be fixed by April, as you know, but I hope you can make your decision (whatever the outcome) with peace.
Best wishes to you and your wife. It is such a difficult situation to be in because it’s clear that you care very much. I hope you find peace. She won’t be fixed by April, as you know, but I hope you can make your decision (whatever the outcome) with peace.
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,345
Shamrock,
Im glad you can keep posting despite some rock tossing comments, you didn’t deserve.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do, is the right thing to do. Taking care of ourselves is hard, and you came here for support, and most of us do just that.
There is a button, or there used to be, “ignore”. I’ve had to use it for some members sometimes. That way, if they post, you won’t see their message unless you click a view buttons.
You can always undo the feature as well.
For me, addiction is not a disease, any more than I thought smoking cigarettes was a disease that I had. I was addicted to an addicting substance, and I made a choice to stop.
When I was married to AEXH, I suggested (before I became addicted), that his “weekend drinking be Friday and Saturday, instead of Thursday through Tuesday”. His reply was, “I can drink as much and as often as I please”.
I said, “yes,, actually, you ARE right, you can! but I’m not staying married to that”.
I am not of the group believing we have “no choice but to stop”, I think the choice is precisely the freedom.
Moving forward is great, and I hope you keep posting for support.
Im glad you can keep posting despite some rock tossing comments, you didn’t deserve.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do, is the right thing to do. Taking care of ourselves is hard, and you came here for support, and most of us do just that.
There is a button, or there used to be, “ignore”. I’ve had to use it for some members sometimes. That way, if they post, you won’t see their message unless you click a view buttons.
You can always undo the feature as well.
For me, addiction is not a disease, any more than I thought smoking cigarettes was a disease that I had. I was addicted to an addicting substance, and I made a choice to stop.
When I was married to AEXH, I suggested (before I became addicted), that his “weekend drinking be Friday and Saturday, instead of Thursday through Tuesday”. His reply was, “I can drink as much and as often as I please”.
I said, “yes,, actually, you ARE right, you can! but I’m not staying married to that”.
I am not of the group believing we have “no choice but to stop”, I think the choice is precisely the freedom.
Moving forward is great, and I hope you keep posting for support.
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,345
Maybe this will help? Not mine, but obtained from somewhere on SR, from an addict’s point of view:
The Battle Isn't Yours To Fight
You can't make me clean though I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction.
I can learn from my own experience. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my own choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction.
The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping" me, the person ... falls prey to the addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down the person in me a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.
The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free. Free to fall in order to find the strength to get back up and fight back to break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean.
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By allowing me to reach rock bottom you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I learn to love myself. The more I learn to love myself the more I will do to better myself.
I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...
Please for the sake of the person in me, move out of the way and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom. Pray for me that when I do hit that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.
Nytepassion
Recovering Addict
The Battle Isn't Yours To Fight
You can't make me clean though I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction.
I can learn from my own experience. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my own choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction.
The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping" me, the person ... falls prey to the addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down the person in me a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.
The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free. Free to fall in order to find the strength to get back up and fight back to break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean.
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By allowing me to reach rock bottom you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I learn to love myself. The more I learn to love myself the more I will do to better myself.
I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...
Please for the sake of the person in me, move out of the way and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom. Pray for me that when I do hit that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.
Nytepassion
Recovering Addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 62
Thanks very much for your words, Free.
Today was actually a beautiful day. We all met for my birthday lunch, and my wife had two margaritas, which I ignored to not make a scene, but she did not have more and has not had more tonight. We are actually watching a movie and a little while ago she hugged me as she was walking by.
Tomorrow is Easter brunch with the family, and I am going to enjoy family and hope that my wife will not over indulge. Today felt like a spot of sunshine, a ray of hope, a day of peace.
Thanks to everyone, and a very Happy Easter to you all.
Today was actually a beautiful day. We all met for my birthday lunch, and my wife had two margaritas, which I ignored to not make a scene, but she did not have more and has not had more tonight. We are actually watching a movie and a little while ago she hugged me as she was walking by.
Tomorrow is Easter brunch with the family, and I am going to enjoy family and hope that my wife will not over indulge. Today felt like a spot of sunshine, a ray of hope, a day of peace.
Thanks to everyone, and a very Happy Easter to you all.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Happy Easter to you and your family!
We are all meant to be happy. Happiness being that inside work and making changes for said happiness. You know what is right for you and how you want to live your life. No one is living your life but you. Everyone has their own experiences and makes their own choices according to their values, ways of viewing life, etc.
I think ..... You are processing and figuring out what it is you need to be happy. This is AWESOME! keep doing that.
I believe you will reach your destination.
We are all meant to be happy. Happiness being that inside work and making changes for said happiness. You know what is right for you and how you want to live your life. No one is living your life but you. Everyone has their own experiences and makes their own choices according to their values, ways of viewing life, etc.
I think ..... You are processing and figuring out what it is you need to be happy. This is AWESOME! keep doing that.
I believe you will reach your destination.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 62
Thanks Mizz,
We had a beautiful Easter Sunday and my wife didn't drink. I was incredibly shocked. She's not gone without wine for a long time. I didn't comment but it was just a lovely family gathering. I went to sleep last night a happy man. One day at a time.
We had a beautiful Easter Sunday and my wife didn't drink. I was incredibly shocked. She's not gone without wine for a long time. I didn't comment but it was just a lovely family gathering. I went to sleep last night a happy man. One day at a time.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
I'm really glad your Easter was so nice!
You know, one day at a time works for a lot of things, but maybe not for marriages that are in trouble with alcoholism involved.
You will wake up at 60 and wonder where those years went and why you stayed so long (you will see this over and over as you read around this forum).
Now that is not to say there is no hope, there is, but hope is not a plan. If she surprises you on Wednesday by getting very drunk, you will be right back at square one. I am all for enjoying the day (or in your case the holiday) but don't let your guard down too far perhaps?
Sorry to be negative, but how many more hurts can you endure?
You know, one day at a time works for a lot of things, but maybe not for marriages that are in trouble with alcoholism involved.
You will wake up at 60 and wonder where those years went and why you stayed so long (you will see this over and over as you read around this forum).
Now that is not to say there is no hope, there is, but hope is not a plan. If she surprises you on Wednesday by getting very drunk, you will be right back at square one. I am all for enjoying the day (or in your case the holiday) but don't let your guard down too far perhaps?
Sorry to be negative, but how many more hurts can you endure?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,286
Richer...poorer...SICKNESS...health...all that jazz. Good luck to you Shamrock. Nobody can possibly know what it is like to walk in your shoes. If you are a praying man that is where I would go for answers. Just my two cents and they aren't worth much seeing as I have never been in your situation. Just saw this on main board and became interested in your story. I hope it works out either way. Awesome that you've had a moment of peace the last couple of days. Now hopefully clarity will be right behind it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 62
I had a really wonderful day at work yesterday and on the way home I bought a special dinner, because Easter had been so nice. I came home and Michelle was awake and on the phone with her mother. When she got off of the phone I told her I was making a special dinner because Easter had been so nice. You guys, I bought prime rib. It took 5 hours to cook, LOL. We ate at midnight and laughed. That is the first time either one of us has laughed in a long time. Michelle did not drink.
I am on my guard but I am enjoying the peace. I asked Michelle if she wanted to go to AA and she declined. That's all I said about it. Michelle could have gone and gotten money out of her account today, but she did not. I don't know why, and I don't pretend that it will necessarily last. However, for just this minute, I am allowing myself to feel peace. I am telling Michelle tonight again that if she continues to drink past May 1st that either she or I will have to leave. We will separate. I am going to break into emergency funds if I have to, because that is what they are for. I want to make sure she hears me, regardless of what she chooses to do or not to do. But for today, I will take peace. Thanks y'all. S
I am on my guard but I am enjoying the peace. I asked Michelle if she wanted to go to AA and she declined. That's all I said about it. Michelle could have gone and gotten money out of her account today, but she did not. I don't know why, and I don't pretend that it will necessarily last. However, for just this minute, I am allowing myself to feel peace. I am telling Michelle tonight again that if she continues to drink past May 1st that either she or I will have to leave. We will separate. I am going to break into emergency funds if I have to, because that is what they are for. I want to make sure she hears me, regardless of what she chooses to do or not to do. But for today, I will take peace. Thanks y'all. S
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