Originally Posted by AJeff

Shamrock, I just came to say that my situation has some similarities to yours, right down to the names of the people, but I'm the wife in this case, though I do not drink. I've never posted before. I was searching the site for some clarity to my own situation and found your thread. I want to tell you that I understand some of what you are going through (seems so similar to my husband) and I also think I understand some of what your wife is going through.

I've been married 27 years, he's been sober just over a year, and he was drinking for 10-14 years before that without me knowing at all. The day I found out is the day he started getting help and has been sober ever since. Mentally though, it has been a rollercoaster for both of us. Overall I'm proud of him for stopping the drinking and feel compassion for the pain he was in, but I also feel resentment for the life I am now in, and I have a level of constant underlying emotional pain even on our very good relationship days.

I have my own business and I'm a responsible person, but I do wish I could just stay in bed and catch up on the sleep I have missed for years. My guilty pleasure is sleeping in until 9 if I don't have any clients or appointments, or sometimes going back to bed until 9 or so after my teenager has left for school and husband for work. In some ways, I can empathize with your wife and see how you've described what she is doing as just a more extreme response than mine, though possibly for similar reasons.

Anyway, in my case, I wish my husband could show more compassion and empathy for me in general about lots of different issues that arise. He feels he's giving so much to me and our relationship, but I don't feel it. I feel almost alone when I'm sad, and I tell him so, and he says he's right here for me, but yet I don't feel it. I also have a complicated relationship with my mother, and yesterday was a very difficult day dealing with her, and I wanted more support from him. He did give some, but I wanted even more. That is often the case with any issue that arises lately - he offers some support, but I want even more. I wish I didn't feel like that, but often I do. So, keep hanging in there, John, and hopefully my John will keep hanging in there too, as will I. Hoping for a better day tomorrow (today actually, as it's after 6am already, though I'm hopefully going back to sleep for another 2 hours as soon as I'm done posting!). I'm trying to remember the one day at a time concept, but it's challenging in the moment.

have a few key concepts that I have pinned to the top of my Google Keep notes to refer to and keep mindful of. One is - Love my person where they are. Another is - The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connection. Another is - Can I "afford" to do this? If I do it and get nothing in return, will I resent it? Maybe these will help you, or others reading this. In my situation, and likely in yours too, there is no completely correct answer for how to proceed, and no one else can tell you what the right way through it is. It's an intensely personal decision of what you feel you can live with, and in my case anyway, my answer varies multiple times throughout the day on the bad days. On the good days, everything seems possible and easy. Hoping for more good days. Learning how to get through the difficult days. I'm glad I found this forum.

Originally Posted by AJeff

One is - Love my person where they are. Another is - The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connection. Another is - Can I "afford" to do this?