Yes, like a movie I once saw, I have thought that if I said just the right combination of things to her, or did everything for her, or shared how I quit drinking, or just anything that it would help. It has not.
I have a strong internal locus of control and believe that everything I do is a result of my own actions, not others or to the whims of the universe (I do strongly believe in God). I also understand that a huge part of bipolar is a tendency toward an external locus of control: "Everything happens to me, God won't hear my prayers, only bad things happen to me." It is a cycle of rumiinations that is both difficult to watch and difficult to endure. To have someone you love and value so much hate their very essence and core of being.
I have been cleaning the house completely because she will not or cannot and I am OK with that. I have set up job interviews for her and she will not follow through. We had our seemingly breakthrough talk the other night where she was able to verbalize to a T everything I was feeling, yet she doesn't have the capacity to not hurt--whether it be me or her.
The pushing has definitely caused everyone pain because really it has just highlighted that she will not or cannot do it. It is not going to happen.
We live in an apartment as we were going to build a home, and our lease is up on August 1st. I will not sign another lease with her. Either she can stay and I will leave or vice versa. She is welcome to half of everything I own and have ever made. I will continue to love her but I will have to go no-contact. I just cannot do it anymore. In the meantime I need to figure out a way to navigate all the way to August 1st. I cannot afford to move out until this lease is up. Carrying the burden of all expenses has really run me tight and I have a pension that cannot be broken into. It is what it is.
She is now passed out. I told her (and I know that she was intoxicated, so I will tell her again) that if she cannot or will not stop drinking that we must separate. She had nothing to say about it and she was blank. It. hurts a lot but I just do not see another way. Thanks to TC and everyone. I will be posting in here several times a day because I really need it.