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Old 02-11-2020, 03:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Different turn of events


Well everything went completely different than I expected. So I went on with my day yesterday. My daughter had a ball game. AH went and was actually sober through this one. We went and ate supper afterwards. We came home and the kids played and did karaoke for hours. We laughed and laughed. We actually had a great time. He didn’t drink. Extremely nice. I enjoyed the night so much. The kids loved having their mom and dad together and enjoying being there. Then the kids went to bed. And the first thing out of his mouth was I WANT A DIVORCE. I laughed because i was completely caught off guard. I mean I have said it a million times and thought it a million times but to hear him say it. Was hard!! He went on about how it just wasn’t working how he wasn’t happy. How he couldn’t live by my rules. I was unreasonable. All these things. He actually did it nicely. Haha. Then he totally switches and said he hates it for the kids and we would be hurting the kids and he hoped we could work it out but if I wanted to leave I could. He hoped I would stay forever but it was my choice on what happened next????? I said you are so confusing. You just said you want a divorce and now you are saying you don’t. He said well I don’t think we can fix anything. Blah blah blah. I won’t say anything else because I’m so confused by him. Then he hugs me and then accuses me of recording our conversation (which I was not doing. I have done in past but it’s been along time ago and we was cursing me out at the time) and then demanded to see my phone. Even though I didn’t record it. I refused to show him first it made me mad he accused me when I was sitting there. And was actually upset. I did cry. Not gonna lie. Of course he didn’t believe me. Said he can’t trust me anymore. And accused me of building a case against him. I just went on to bed. Because he said what he wanted. I don’t have to prove myself anymore.

it does make me sad. And mad. And glad. And all kinds of emotions right now
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Old 02-11-2020, 03:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Wow. Clowery, that's staggering. Dropped you, picked you up and shook you around in circles. He says he can't live by your rules. Does that mean he is not willing to address his drinking?
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Old 02-11-2020, 03:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Wombaticus View Post
Wow. Clowery, that's staggering. Dropped you, picked you up and shook you around in circles. He says he can't live by your rules. Does that mean he is not willing to address his drinking?
Definitely what he means. Drinking of course is not the issue to him. My unwillingness to accept the drinking is the issue. He says he’s tried everything to make this marriage work but I don’t try. He has tried everything except the one thing that can help
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Old 02-11-2020, 04:18 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Yep. And in the meantime he will deflect blame onto you and gaslight you?
Since my AH and I have talked about our issues, he has moved out of our bedroom, sleeps late so he doesn't have to see us in the morning, leaves the house just after we arrive home ... the list goes on.

As has been said lots here recently... focus on the actions not words.
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Old 02-11-2020, 04:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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clowery……..one thing that is hard to realize...and, easy to forget...is that, even when, technically "sober" for a short period of time...their thinking is still scrambled...they are still thinking like a drunk. their brain is still in their alcoholic fog.
Isn't this really, basically, more of the same. Still projecting all blame onto you to take the focus off of his drinking. Still oblivious of the effects on the kids living under a roof that is dominated by the alcoholism. And, of course, he still wants to keep the status quo...as it has been working for HIM until just recently, when you have found a voice and realized that you and the kids are paying a big price.....
I think he might be calling your bluff about the divorce statements. I suspects that he thinks that you really won't leave the house or dare divorce him. He is counting on that...and, underestimates you......He probably thinks that that will scare you to death, and bring you running back into his arms and trying, again to "fix" everything. He is pulling our the stops and playing a strong hand by calling your bluff. At least, this is my thinking on it....
Ir looks to me like the whole day of being sooo nice and having the Norman Rockwell/Ozzie and Harriet family experience...while so enjoyable....was staging a demonstration of "look how good it can be"...….
If it was that good all of the time...you wouldn't even be on this forum. And this really messes with the kid's minds....because the elephant in the room is that it isn't always that good....because drunk dad lives there, also......

The alcoholic will pull out every trick and push all of your hot buttons to pull you back into line and keep the status quo that they know has worked for them.....and he has pulled out some heavy artillery....

Stay your course, clowery….it is the only way out of the chaos and the ongoing damage to you and the kids....
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Old 02-11-2020, 05:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Dandy nailed the tactic.

Look up gaslighting on the search here if you are unfamiliar, or maybe someone has a link.

I would go today if you can. Nothings really changed at all—do you see that?
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Old 02-11-2020, 05:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Clowery,
Im so sorry you’re going thru this. Understandable that you have a wide range of emotions right now. I would too. Be kind to yourself. Reach out for support, you are not alone.

Allthough the “picture” you had envisioned didn’t go as planned, this really changes nothing. He is still blaming and finger pointing at you. He wants everyone to see he is the “victim” here. He will throw you under the bus so he doesn’t have to look at the “elephant” in your marriage. Hard to accept that, I know.

Try not to future trip. I know you still have hope that he will seek sobriety. Unfortunately this is not the case (right now) You have to look at today, and his actions today. What do they show you?

Take this one day at a time still. And yes, document everything! You have to protect yourself and your kids

P.S. I second everything dandylion said in her post....

Big Hugs to you!
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Old 02-11-2020, 06:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
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clowery,

I agree with the others. I don't see this as a "turn of events". I see his as more of the same.

Him declaring that he wants a divorce may be different WORDS out of his mouth but he is using the same emotional blackmailing tactics as he has been. He said it then kinda took it back, sorta, and continued to tell you it's your fault. From what you've told us. this seems like more of the same ole'-same ole'

Just because he's playin' you doesn't mean you have to play along. He is depending on you feeling all jumbled up, he is actively trying to MAKE you feel that way. I know it's really hard to disengage when you are confronted with it on a constant basis... but really his words are nothing more than quacking... a desperate attempt to keep both his wife and his bottle... but it's even worse than that, because he is actively harming your health with the things he says to you. I hope you find the strength to stop listening to him.

Just like you don't have the power to get him sober.... he doesn't have the power to make you feel crazy... not if you don't allow him to do so.

I set a boundary with my AXH a couple years before I left him. " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking" It was a real sanity saver for me. It wasn't easy at first, but as I learned to enforce that boundary the swirling slowed down and I started gaining back my strength. Trying to battle with my active alcoholic was pointless... what worked for me was doing battle with the parts of myself that needed to be changed.

I am glad you are here with us clowery. I remember feeling so alone and alienated when I was going through the things you are dealing with now. I wish I had been braver and reached out for more support. Good for you that you are here talking things through. *hugs*
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Old 02-11-2020, 07:01 AM   #9 (permalink)
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OK his narrative is the poor husband who has tried everything to make the marriage work, but the cold wife won't give an inch. No mention of the drinking I assume?

You don't have to justify yourself. You've made it clear what the problem is, and he knows as well, it just doesn't fit into his story. Please don't fall into the trap of arguing with him.

I notice he's talking about you leaving, not him, which is pretty selfish. Now take him up on his offer. Proceed with leaving and the divorce. Of course it's a shock and sad, but if he won't stop drinking what future do you have together?
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Old 02-11-2020, 07:47 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by clowery0508 View Post
Well everything went completely different than I expected. So I went on with my day yesterday. My daughter had a ball game. AH went and was actually sober through this one. We went and ate supper afterwards. We came home and the kids played and did karaoke for hours. We laughed and laughed. We actually had a great time. He didn’t drink. Extremely nice. I enjoyed the night so much. The kids loved having their mom and dad together and enjoying being there. Then the kids went to bed. And the first thing out of his mouth was I WANT A DIVORCE. I laughed because i was completely caught off guard. I mean I have said it a million times and thought it a million times but to hear him say it. Was hard!! He went on about how it just wasn’t working how he wasn’t happy. How he couldn’t live by my rules. I was unreasonable. All these things. He actually did it nicely. Haha. Then he totally switches and said he hates it for the kids and we would be hurting the kids and he hoped we could work it out but if I wanted to leave I could. He hoped I would stay forever but it was my choice on what happened next????? I said you are so confusing. You just said you want a divorce and now you are saying you don’t. He said well I don’t think we can fix anything. Blah blah blah. I won’t say anything else because I’m so confused by him. Then he hugs me and then accuses me of recording our conversation (which I was not doing. I have done in past but it’s been along time ago and we was cursing me out at the time) and then demanded to see my phone. Even though I didn’t record it. I refused to show him first it made me mad he accused me when I was sitting there. And was actually upset. I did cry. Not gonna lie. Of course he didn’t believe me. Said he can’t trust me anymore. And accused me of building a case against him. I just went on to bed. Because he said what he wanted. I don’t have to prove myself anymore.

it does make me sad. And mad. And glad. And all kinds of emotions right now
I get it. Believe me, he is serving himself first and foremost. This sounds like button pushing and manipulation. Do what’s best for you and the kids. It’s about him keeping you not the other way around. You’re the princess. 👑❤️
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Old 02-11-2020, 08:05 AM   #11 (permalink)
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clowery, well, that's one for your books isn't it!

He's on the defense now (again).

I know you probably look at him and think, but he seemed ok! As dandylion mentioned, his mindset is the same, alcoholics don't get to be clear thinkers overnight, it can take months for that fog to clear, once they are sober.

Manipulation, this is another thing I think it's hard to see sometimes. Why would someone even do that? Can't we just reason it out like normal human beings!? Seems to me (and this is just my opinion based on observing) that manipulation becomes a way of life for some people, how else are you going to get your way.

With the alcohol in the middle and that being non-negotiable to the alcoholic, how else can he get his way? He can be as charming and nice as he likes, but as long as he continues to drink the cards are stacked against him. I'm not saying he's some evil mastermind, it's just a way of being (I think) that comes about when you want your way but are constantly living in dysfunction (and are very self-centered).

Personally, I wouldn't mention divorce again until the papers are filed and ready to be signed. It's not a weapon, it's a legal document.

Now you have both flung some arrows, you are at a stalemate.

He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. If you want to change your environment, that's up to you, the ball is in your court.
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Old 02-11-2020, 09:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Clowery,

Your AH is just trying to keep you confused. He doesn't drink all day and then your whole family hangs out. Then the minuet the kids go to bed he slams you with I WANT A DIVORCE. Classic, try and blindside them to keep them confused. Then to top it off, says that it's your rules (not the alcohol) he can't live with. While he might not have drank the entire day he was still in the mind set. He is doing everything he can to keep the status quo. He doesn't want you to leave, but also doesn't want to give up his precious alcohol. He is trying to make you feel like this is all your fault. It's not and the part about recording the conversation. When would you have had time to pull out your phone and start the record button. I think he would have noticed that. He is paranoid and knows he is in the wrong and wants to make sure there is no proof that will come back at him. You did good by just walking away.

Just keep on with your plan. Until he admits to himself that he has a problem it is only going to get worse. Make sure you and the kids are safe. Have a good day and keep being strong.
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Old 02-11-2020, 12:14 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Ahh yes. My XAH eventually just saw that as a way to condone cheating. I would not accept him as a drunk, so he would find someone who would, and I should be ok with that. LOL. Good grief.

I am sorry you are hurting. He is telling you what the future looks like, I hope you listen. I say that kindly because I know it's painful.

Sending you a big hug.
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Old 02-12-2020, 08:46 AM   #14 (permalink)
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clowery…….how are you doing? I am thinking about you....as I imagine that all of us are...…
I hope you don't stop reading and posting, just because you didn't leave on Monday.....

I can still hear my dear grandmother saying to me...like a gazillion times----"If at first, you don't succeed...try, try again!"
Her advice has served me well, over the years....(God bless her)…..
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Old 02-13-2020, 04:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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clowery…….how are you feeling....?
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Old 02-13-2020, 06:34 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I too am thinking of you!
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Old 02-13-2020, 06:42 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Me too! Hope to hear from you soon
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Old 02-13-2020, 04:01 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Hope you’re working through things clowery. We are here when you need us. Thinking of you.
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Old 02-15-2020, 03:20 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Clowery,
I am sorry this is continuing. Hon, you know how to get off the merry go round. Only you can do it.... hugs!!
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Old 02-15-2020, 05:50 PM   #20 (permalink)
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clowery…..how are you feeling.....how are things going?
The Mother Hens, here, are thinking about you...…...
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