Different turn of events
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Thank you everyone for checking on me. I had to take a break from everything. My mind was just going crazy. I am still home right now. Nothing has really changed as far as his drinking. I have completely withdrawn from him. I go through the motions. And act like I’m ok but I’m not. I am still going through with plan but i haven’t yet. He is playing dirty. He took all the money out of his checking and savings and had my name removed. Which I don’t care. I have my own. He found out I have my own checking and that I have a P.O. Box. And that I have a loan that he didn’t know about. Which really made him mad. He went through my car and found everything. I am trying to play nice right now. But I am taking things out when he’s not around. He is on to me for sure. And he told his family that he had me by the balls now since he took away all the money. How dumb. Pretty sure everything here I can get half of. And I’m just gonna say I was willing to play nice and not take what his family has had for many years. But he has decided to be dirty. His momma signed over everything to him several years ago. So all together. He has her house our house and all the land which is close to 50 acres. Really and he has me by the balls??? I never signed a pre nup. So pretty sure I’m entitled to something. He had our house and land in his name before we were married so I’m not sure about that. Anyways. That’s where I’m at. Nothing has gotten better. He tried to be nice for Valentine’s Day but ended up yelling at me and passing out on the couch. He has apologized all day long.
oh and when he found out about everything and took my name off of accounts he sat down and went through everything that we each pay. He proceeded to tell me what I’m now not allowed to do. For example. I have 1 friend from church that I go places with usually during the day when he is at work. We will go get things needed for the church. And usually hit up a chick fil a. I’m now not allowed to do that. He’s been bad mouthing her for a while now. So worked out great for him. Next I’m not allowed to go to the beach with my family. He never goes with us because he hates my family. But I’m now not allowed to go because of money. He has for many years fussed every year when I go because he is here alone. My family has done a family vacation every year since I was a baby. Now I’m not allowed to go. It’s completely free. I pay nothing but gas and food. But I’m not allowed to go. If I spend any money I need to ask him first. And I am not allowed to say anything about his drinking because what I have done is completely worse than his drinking
I didn’t say a word. I let him tell me what I’m now allowed to not do. I sat there like a good little girl. The whole time thinking you have completely lost your mind. Really Does he think I’m a little kid. What the heck. Oh it was like ammunition for him. He shot me full of holes.
i am going to see a lawyer this week. I have to get my ducks in a row. But like I said I have been slowly moving things out that he wouldn’t notice. My mom knows. And that is all.
oh and when he found out about everything and took my name off of accounts he sat down and went through everything that we each pay. He proceeded to tell me what I’m now not allowed to do. For example. I have 1 friend from church that I go places with usually during the day when he is at work. We will go get things needed for the church. And usually hit up a chick fil a. I’m now not allowed to do that. He’s been bad mouthing her for a while now. So worked out great for him. Next I’m not allowed to go to the beach with my family. He never goes with us because he hates my family. But I’m now not allowed to go because of money. He has for many years fussed every year when I go because he is here alone. My family has done a family vacation every year since I was a baby. Now I’m not allowed to go. It’s completely free. I pay nothing but gas and food. But I’m not allowed to go. If I spend any money I need to ask him first. And I am not allowed to say anything about his drinking because what I have done is completely worse than his drinking
I didn’t say a word. I let him tell me what I’m now allowed to not do. I sat there like a good little girl. The whole time thinking you have completely lost your mind. Really Does he think I’m a little kid. What the heck. Oh it was like ammunition for him. He shot me full of holes.
i am going to see a lawyer this week. I have to get my ducks in a row. But like I said I have been slowly moving things out that he wouldn’t notice. My mom knows. And that is all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Wow clowery, that sounds like a really tough few days, I'm sorry you had to go through that.
He's a real charmer! He can clear out accounts or whatever, if you are in a true community property state it means nothing.
If you had joint accounts, at least where I live, you can't just take the other person's name off the account, it requires their permission because they are joint! I don't know if he just told you that or you checked with your bank but I would.
I would because it would be a good idea to get a statement print out that shows the period before/balance and the day he withdrew all the funds. Half those funds (again, in a community property state) are yours and he can withdraw it all but it will show poor faith when/if you end up having to prove that. I mean he may not fight it but you never know.
Sitting you down like a child and telling you all the things you can't do as your punishment is in fact insane. Please be careful. When someone is that hellbent on controlling you it can be - murky.
Anyway, glad you are seeing a lawyer and also glad you posted, we do worry!
He's a real charmer! He can clear out accounts or whatever, if you are in a true community property state it means nothing.
If you had joint accounts, at least where I live, you can't just take the other person's name off the account, it requires their permission because they are joint! I don't know if he just told you that or you checked with your bank but I would.
I would because it would be a good idea to get a statement print out that shows the period before/balance and the day he withdrew all the funds. Half those funds (again, in a community property state) are yours and he can withdraw it all but it will show poor faith when/if you end up having to prove that. I mean he may not fight it but you never know.
Sitting you down like a child and telling you all the things you can't do as your punishment is in fact insane. Please be careful. When someone is that hellbent on controlling you it can be - murky.
Anyway, glad you are seeing a lawyer and also glad you posted, we do worry!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
clowery…...I am so glad that you posted! I think you are playing it very smart, right now...considering how controlling and authoritarian that he is.
This way, he will tend to underestimate you,,,,which will just give him more rope with which to hang himself.....so to speak.
I am going to give you a l ink to a website....which I can't remember if I have given you, before...lol. It is educational, in nature, for those in your legal situation.....and it is l isted by STATE. It will give you a good idea of what questions to ask your lawyer....and, will help you organize your thoughts...as well as save you time...…
www.womansdivorce.com
By the way, clowery...be sure to erase your google history every time...in case he is computer literate.... Also, keep your tracks covered with your cell phone and emails. And, be sure not to share any information with the kids. Remember that kids are more observant that we adults think.....I think a good "cover story" is the "Spring Cleaning" one----that you are cleaning out closets, drawers, paperwork, etc....throwing away and donating stuff to charity and the church....
Don't forget your manner of dress....Don't change anything! for example...on the day you plan to see your lawyer….if your "normal" dress would be wearing sweats, and a ponytail and no makeup....keep it that way. If you have to change clothes, etc...do it at your mother's house---
If I were you...I would plan some cover stories...in case he asks some probing questions about your activities, etc. ***By the way...I don't consider these cover stories as "lies"....I consider them to be tools for survival that God understands. You are totally entitled to self preservation and survival.
I am glad that your mom is in the know about what your goal is....and, remind her not to talk to anyone about it. Only those that you have well founded trust in...and those who are helping you, should be the only ones that know.
I can see that you have a plan....and that you are smart to carry it out
Don't forget to tell your lawyer everything....there are many different types of abuse....such as emotional abuse, financial abuse (which he is doing big time), and many other types...and your lawyer needs to know about all of this.....
Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing....the more support that you have, the easer it is for you...….
This way, he will tend to underestimate you,,,,which will just give him more rope with which to hang himself.....so to speak.
I am going to give you a l ink to a website....which I can't remember if I have given you, before...lol. It is educational, in nature, for those in your legal situation.....and it is l isted by STATE. It will give you a good idea of what questions to ask your lawyer....and, will help you organize your thoughts...as well as save you time...…
www.womansdivorce.com
By the way, clowery...be sure to erase your google history every time...in case he is computer literate.... Also, keep your tracks covered with your cell phone and emails. And, be sure not to share any information with the kids. Remember that kids are more observant that we adults think.....I think a good "cover story" is the "Spring Cleaning" one----that you are cleaning out closets, drawers, paperwork, etc....throwing away and donating stuff to charity and the church....
Don't forget your manner of dress....Don't change anything! for example...on the day you plan to see your lawyer….if your "normal" dress would be wearing sweats, and a ponytail and no makeup....keep it that way. If you have to change clothes, etc...do it at your mother's house---
If I were you...I would plan some cover stories...in case he asks some probing questions about your activities, etc. ***By the way...I don't consider these cover stories as "lies"....I consider them to be tools for survival that God understands. You are totally entitled to self preservation and survival.
I am glad that your mom is in the know about what your goal is....and, remind her not to talk to anyone about it. Only those that you have well founded trust in...and those who are helping you, should be the only ones that know.
I can see that you have a plan....and that you are smart to carry it out
Don't forget to tell your lawyer everything....there are many different types of abuse....such as emotional abuse, financial abuse (which he is doing big time), and many other types...and your lawyer needs to know about all of this.....
Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing....the more support that you have, the easer it is for you...….
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by dandylion 
clowery…...I am so glad that you posted! I think you are playing it very smart, right now...considering how controlling and authoritarian that he is.
This way, he will tend to underestimate you,,,,which will just give him more rope with which to hang himself.....so to speak.
I am going to give you a l ink to a website....which I can't remember if I have given you, before...lol. It is educational, in nature, for those in your legal situation.....and it is l isted by STATE. It will give you a good idea of what questions to ask your lawyer....and, will help you organize your thoughts...as well as save you time...…
www.womansdivorce.com
By the way, clowery...be sure to erase your google history every time...in case he is computer literate.... Also, keep your tracks covered with your cell phone and emails. And, be sure not to share any information with the kids. Remember that kids are more observant that we adults think.....I think a good "cover story" is the "Spring Cleaning" one----that you are cleaning out closets, drawers, paperwork, etc....throwing away and donating stuff to charity and the church....
Don't forget your manner of dress....Don't change anything! for example...on the day you plan to see your lawyer….if your "normal" dress would be wearing sweats, and a ponytail and no makeup....keep it that way. If you have to change clothes, etc...do it at your mother's house---
If I were you...I would plan some cover stories...in case he asks some probing questions about your activities, etc. ***By the way...I don't consider these cover stories as "lies"....I consider them to be tools for survival that God understands. You are totally entitled to self preservation and survival.
I am glad that your mom is in the know about what your goal is....and, remind her not to talk to anyone about it. Only those that you have well founded trust in...and those who are helping you, should be the only ones that know.
I can see that you have a plan....and that you are smart to carry it out
Don't forget to tell your lawyer everything....there are many different types of abuse....such as emotional abuse, financial abuse (which he is doing big time), and many other types...and your lawyer needs to know about all of this.....
Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing....the more support that you have, the easer it is for you...….
This way, he will tend to underestimate you,,,,which will just give him more rope with which to hang himself.....so to speak.
I am going to give you a l ink to a website....which I can't remember if I have given you, before...lol. It is educational, in nature, for those in your legal situation.....and it is l isted by STATE. It will give you a good idea of what questions to ask your lawyer....and, will help you organize your thoughts...as well as save you time...…
www.womansdivorce.com
By the way, clowery...be sure to erase your google history every time...in case he is computer literate.... Also, keep your tracks covered with your cell phone and emails. And, be sure not to share any information with the kids. Remember that kids are more observant that we adults think.....I think a good "cover story" is the "Spring Cleaning" one----that you are cleaning out closets, drawers, paperwork, etc....throwing away and donating stuff to charity and the church....
Don't forget your manner of dress....Don't change anything! for example...on the day you plan to see your lawyer….if your "normal" dress would be wearing sweats, and a ponytail and no makeup....keep it that way. If you have to change clothes, etc...do it at your mother's house---
If I were you...I would plan some cover stories...in case he asks some probing questions about your activities, etc. ***By the way...I don't consider these cover stories as "lies"....I consider them to be tools for survival that God understands. You are totally entitled to self preservation and survival.
I am glad that your mom is in the know about what your goal is....and, remind her not to talk to anyone about it. Only those that you have well founded trust in...and those who are helping you, should be the only ones that know.
I can see that you have a plan....and that you are smart to carry it out
Don't forget to tell your lawyer everything....there are many different types of abuse....such as emotional abuse, financial abuse (which he is doing big time), and many other types...and your lawyer needs to know about all of this.....
Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing....the more support that you have, the easer it is for you...….
im trying to be smart and not jump the gun and blow up. If he fusses I never say a word. I just sit there and look straight ahead. That’s all I know to do. Until I can get it all together
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by trailmix
Wow clowery, that sounds like a really tough few days, I'm sorry you had to go through that.
He's a real charmer! He can clear out accounts or whatever, if you are in a true community property state it means nothing.
If you had joint accounts, at least where I live, you can't just take the other person's name off the account, it requires their permission because they are joint! I don't know if he just told you that or you checked with your bank but I would.
I would because it would be a good idea to get a statement print out that shows the period before/balance and the day he withdrew all the funds. Half those funds (again, in a community property state) are yours and he can withdraw it all but it will show poor faith when/if you end up having to prove that. I mean he may not fight it but you never know.
Sitting you down like a child and telling you all the things you can't do as your punishment is in fact insane. Please be careful. When someone is that hellbent on controlling you it can be - murky.
Anyway, glad you are seeing a lawyer and also glad you posted, we do worry!
He's a real charmer! He can clear out accounts or whatever, if you are in a true community property state it means nothing.
If you had joint accounts, at least where I live, you can't just take the other person's name off the account, it requires their permission because they are joint! I don't know if he just told you that or you checked with your bank but I would.
I would because it would be a good idea to get a statement print out that shows the period before/balance and the day he withdrew all the funds. Half those funds (again, in a community property state) are yours and he can withdraw it all but it will show poor faith when/if you end up having to prove that. I mean he may not fight it but you never know.
Sitting you down like a child and telling you all the things you can't do as your punishment is in fact insane. Please be careful. When someone is that hellbent on controlling you it can be - murky.
Anyway, glad you are seeing a lawyer and also glad you posted, we do worry!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by clowery0508
Any pics I have taken I have sent to myself in text and then deleted in gallery.
I am sorry that things have deteriorated with your alcoholic. I know just how hard it is to watch (and be part of) that kind of train wreck. I am glad you are continuing to plan your exit.
Thank you for giving us an update, I've been wondering about you and hoping everything was OK. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by clowery0508
im trying to be smart and not jump the gun and blow up. If he fusses I never say a word. I just sit there and look straight ahead. That’s all I know to do. Until I can get it all together
Courage to you and just keep taking that "next right step" no matter what it is and no matter how tiny.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Clowery,
Please know we’re always here to listen. It can do a world of good, to you, to vent your frustrations and feelings. It’s not healthy to hold so much in. That’s how you end up “blowing up” I’ve been there before! Please don’t let yourself get to that point, it never ends well. Just know that we all truly do care and are here to support you no matter what.
It sounds as though you are doing your best, considering what you are dealing with. Stay strong, stay smart and when you doubt yourself all you need is to look at those kids and remember that they are worth fighting for.
You can and you will get thru this!
((BIG Hugs))
Please know we’re always here to listen. It can do a world of good, to you, to vent your frustrations and feelings. It’s not healthy to hold so much in. That’s how you end up “blowing up” I’ve been there before! Please don’t let yourself get to that point, it never ends well. Just know that we all truly do care and are here to support you no matter what.
It sounds as though you are doing your best, considering what you are dealing with. Stay strong, stay smart and when you doubt yourself all you need is to look at those kids and remember that they are worth fighting for.
You can and you will get thru this!
((BIG Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
clowery, is there any chance that he may have found out who you are on this website?
Even if he hasn't, it may still be a good idea to cover your tracks a bit, presuming that you haven't already. Nobody here is going to be the fact police if you tweak a couple things here and there to throw him off the scent.
If he is computer literate, or has a friend who is computer literate, there are other things he can do to see the sites you've visited even if you clear your browser history. I don't want to go into the details here, but I would advise you to no longer use your home's WiFi network if you're going to use your phone to post here. I would also turn off location services on your phone unless it is absolutely necessary. Any phone conversations involving planning should NOT happen in your house or in your car (it's way too easy to hide a recorder in there.) If you do find something like that in there, I wouldn't confront him and let him know you know, just leave it be. Just don't make it easy for him to know where are physically and mentally.
I'm telling you this not to freak you out, but you sound like you are ready to fight for yourself and for your kids. A good strategy will get you far.
Even if he hasn't, it may still be a good idea to cover your tracks a bit, presuming that you haven't already. Nobody here is going to be the fact police if you tweak a couple things here and there to throw him off the scent.
If he is computer literate, or has a friend who is computer literate, there are other things he can do to see the sites you've visited even if you clear your browser history. I don't want to go into the details here, but I would advise you to no longer use your home's WiFi network if you're going to use your phone to post here. I would also turn off location services on your phone unless it is absolutely necessary. Any phone conversations involving planning should NOT happen in your house or in your car (it's way too easy to hide a recorder in there.) If you do find something like that in there, I wouldn't confront him and let him know you know, just leave it be. Just don't make it easy for him to know where are physically and mentally.
I'm telling you this not to freak you out, but you sound like you are ready to fight for yourself and for your kids. A good strategy will get you far.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Do you have a lawyer yet? I’m assuming that everything is fairly similar on most states. We each had our own accounts, the house was in his name (he owned it before). In short, whether you name is on things or not I don’t think it will matter. You would have to declare all your assets and they get dived evenly unless you had a prenup (which you didn’t) . I got half of what we out into the house (because it was paid with marital money) and also half of them appreciation of the house since we got married. He has land that he inherited and I would’ve been entitled of half of its appreciation since our mariage even though my name wasn’t on it. I got part of his retirement accounts and since he kept the house with pretty much everything in it I got a lump sum for that (since I had to buy everything for the new house) . Basically between all the accounts and assets it got split in half. But you will need a lawyer to do that because at this point you cannot trust him at all. Also he is abusing you right now even if it isn’t physical. Be careful. You are a grown woman and you get to do what you want. He knows he is losing control and is grasping for anything to not let that happen. It sounds like you need to get out of there sooner than later though, there are kids too right? This is a very unhealthy and unsafe environment for them. It also sound link he is on a war path and trying to sabotage you. Take care and stay safe!
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