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Old 07-20-2019, 11:38 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I don't know how they do it overseas but you should look into how to properly pay employees. Here in the US employers have things we have to pay for the employee like half social security, workmans comp, unemployment insurance and liability insurance on them. My $10/hr guy costs me more than $12/hr when its all said and done so I'd lose money charging $12 and paying $10.
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Old 07-20-2019, 12:52 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I didn't realize he was rolling in cash.

I would be on my way to the lawyers and filing for support, I wouldn't care one bit how he "feels" about it or how angry he gets.

It's not for the children to know at all. If he shares the info with them that's wrong. That said, when they are old enough they will understand how that really works.

Forget about his attitude, don't worry what the kids will think, he's playing a fun little game here and that has to stop.
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Old 07-20-2019, 12:55 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wastedpotential View Post
I don't know how they do it overseas but you should look into how to properly pay employees. Here in the US employers have things we have to pay for the employee like half social security, workmans comp, unemployment insurance and liability insurance on them. My $10/hr guy costs me more than $12/hr when its all said and done so I'd lose money charging $12 and paying $10.
Wasted - it was 10 pounds and 8 pounds for a total of 18 pounds - 22 U.S. dollars total.
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Old 07-20-2019, 01:51 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Wasted - it was 10 pounds and 8 pounds for a total of 18 pounds - 22 U.S. dollars total.
It was 8 total at 4 hours read back she said dude only charges 12.
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Old 07-20-2019, 03:02 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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No he’s not rolling in cash.. the last few months he’s loosing clients by the day, he hasn’t got many left. He’s forgetting things, not keeping appointments - breaking agreements. Not getting back to people or not communicating messages. He takes cleaners on a self employed basis so they declare all - he pays no tax on them. It’s all legal - he charges a “management / finders fee” interviews them DBS checks and provides cover if they are sick etc. That’s where I come in, I’m the “cover”. They get £10 an hour he gets the £2 by direct debit from the client in advance quarterly.

I am a full time carer for my two disabled daughters do I can’t declare self employed earnings over a certain amount. Hence some cash in hand work being useful and obvs child maintenance isn't counted as earnings. If I had any!!

So doing the work I asked for the full amount as I feel as I’m not just another “cleaner” I’m the mother of his children and I have been up until we separated - a business partner in every way apart from on paper! I did the tax returns every year, the paperwork, admin and he did the meeting clients and taking telephone calls.

I wouldn’t set up a business on that scale for myself again because it’s too much to fit around my caring but I would take on some cleaning jobs for myself at £12-£15 an hour. I think that’s what I’m going to do. I have a couple of other things I do as little enterprises that don’t earn me much but make me happy and I don’t want to give those up.

Last edited by RainingButtons; 07-20-2019 at 03:05 PM. Reason: Adding more
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Old 07-21-2019, 02:49 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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So today was my daughters 19th birthday.
STBXAH turns up with an expensive bottle of salted caramel vodka for her. Then he plants himself on MY sofa and asks if he can check a score on the TV picking up my remote control. Kids all there so can hardly look like a cow by saying no.. oh but I don’t have Sky anymore what a shaaame! (I found out recently he’s been tapping into my Netflix subscription the last 4 months too! I changed my password and he had the nerve to text me asking for it!!)

anyway - son asks his dad to stay for dinner - thankfully he declined “your mother’s not invited me” 🙄🙄 but he spent the afternoon allowing him to get excited about a possible holiday to Spain to see family this summer. Our son is 13 and was googling flights and AH seemed really keen to take him. (They’d stay with family so I’m not too concerned about the safety aspect but annoyed about how he can justify the cost of a holiday when he’s not paying me any child support!)

i kept out of the way - busied myself with housework until he left but felt angry that he was in my space. I text him this afternoon to say “I’m letting you know I will no longer be working for “business” so you will need to find someone else to cover Thursday”

no reply.

My son keeps inviting his dad over, and he doesn’t see that there’s anything wrong with that. I don’t want to say he cant do that anymore as obviously the kids are safer at mine than with him driving them about but still feeling like him being in my house is too much right now. I’m feeling such rage towards him one minute and mixed feelings swinging from hate to pity to wanting to chat and act as if everything’s ok - it’s confusing and messing with my head. It will really upset my kids to hear they can’t see dad whenever they want all “because mum doesn’t like it” 😢

Last edited by RainingButtons; 07-21-2019 at 02:50 PM. Reason: Typo
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Old 07-21-2019, 03:04 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Well, that is kind of the truth bottom line but it's not the whole truth. The truth is Mom and Dad are not a "couple" anymore so things will have to change.

As the Mom, you get to be in charge, that's the good news! I frankly don't know how you put up with this visitation and him being there for hours. I'm pretty open minded and patient when I have to be but this would be beyond my patience.

How about supervised visitation. Can you meet at a park, the zoo, ice cream place, somewhere where you could have a cup of coffee and surf the net or whatever and they could have a short visit.

I'm guessing while he is busy channel surfing there isn't a lot of child/father deep conversation going on.

How he can be so offensive as to start talking about holidays in Spain while the kids need new shoes and he has you paying for the boiler?

You need a lawyer.
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Old 07-21-2019, 03:15 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I agree...get a lawyer. He is taking extreme advantage of you, and you are allowing him to do so. Sorry to sound so harsh, but until you put a stop to it, it will continue. You desperately need to get a legal visitation order in place. You also need to have a talk with your son and explain that unless you invite his dad over, he won't be allowed in the house.
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Old 07-21-2019, 03:55 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Yes. A MEAN lawyer.

You’re out cleaning for his business and he’s parking his butt on your couch? Oh, no.

You need a visitation agreement, ASAP.

I would bet a ton of money that visit to Spain will never happen. It just works to make your ex look like a hero...too much trouble and money to actually do it.

Are your children thinking that somehow they’ll get you back together if they keep shoving him in your space? Do you have access to some kind of family therapy, because you all need help setting rules for a different life.

Don’t get me started on an alcoholic parent giving candy-flavored vodka as a birthday present to your daughter.

I feel for you, I really do.
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Old 07-21-2019, 04:09 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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everybody is running the show except YOU, buttons. unless you want what it currently happening to continue unabated, you HAVE to step up, set down RULES and BOUNDARIES. and have some type of enforceable agreement.

there is no way in hell i would have allowed my ex/not ex waltz into my dang house and present my daughter with ALCOHOL of any sort. just.....NO.

do you WANT him out of the house? do you want a formal separation that clearly divides the assets, severs the bonds and puts him on the outside looking in? you don't have to answer, but you should check your own motives.
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Old 07-22-2019, 12:20 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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do you WANT him out of the house? do you want a formal separation that clearly divides the assets, severs the bonds and puts him on the outside looking in? you don't have to answer, but you should check your own motives.



yes I do. I guess I’m still scared of his reaction. If anyone challenges him he gets so angry. red faced angry. Ranting and raging. He’s never been violent towards me but has had us all treading on egg shells for 15 years.. and now I am still finding it hard to change the way I handle him - choosing peace over upsetting him. When he is in a great mood we all are because the atmosphere/pressure is lifted.

Im so appreciative of all the reply’s here. IBM reading them thinking “they can’t ALL be wrong? My reaction to reading all the responses about getting a lawyer is one of fear it’s “omg but he will go mad!” So yes that tells me that it’s fear if HIS reaction holding me back.

I have the phone number of a female solicitor that gives a free 20 min consultation in family law. She’s an expert in domestic violence cases too. If I can prove abuse then I get legal aid. I don’t know if I can. It still feels so wrong to accuse him of that 😢 but I read on women’s refuse website that even withholding child support is financial abuse. And yes we do alter our own behaviour for fear of his reaction. So apparently they class that as abuse too.

Im ringing her today to make that appointment 🤞🏻🤞🏻

Last edited by RainingButtons; 07-22-2019 at 12:21 AM. Reason: Spaces needed
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Old 07-22-2019, 02:55 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Thursday morning at 11am

Wish me luck 🤞🏻
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Old 07-22-2019, 03:14 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I can only imagine the courage that took, RB! I think it's very wise to get all the information you can so that you know what are your rights!

Good luck on Thursday, and I hope the week goes quickly for you
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Old 07-22-2019, 04:14 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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well done RB--both in self-honesty and action!
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Old 07-22-2019, 05:59 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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RainingButtons,

I suggest making a list of questions in order of priority so that you make the most of your free consultation.

Good luck!
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Old 07-22-2019, 11:49 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by RainingButtons View Post
Wish me luck 🤞🏻
Yes! (I actually said that out loud when I saw your post lol)

I know what you mean so very well. Growing up with an alcoholic in the household was that - the what is up today, is everyone happy and good or is it anger/rage time. Eggshells, terrible way to live.

I then went in to an abusive marriage, more eggshells.

Don't let the fear stop you. He can yell all day and all night, it can't hurt you, it's only words which in fact you don't have to listen to at all, ever.

As for physical abuse, that is a concern and it makes it even more imperative that you get some security on your residence. A lock that locks when the door is shut would be a good idea, a slip lock for sure, with clear instructions to the kiddies that the door is never to be opened to anyone, not even Dad, only Mom answers the door. That was actually a rule in our house when I was a child, we never answered the door.

This is a temporary measure of course, but it's inexpensive and will help you stay safe in the meantime.
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Old 07-22-2019, 01:52 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Rainingbuttons, this must be terrifying. But it does sound absolutely necessary . . . hmmm . . .this may end having to worry about working for him or not anymore (-;

Ugh . . . .thinking of you and let us know how it goes!
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Old 07-22-2019, 02:03 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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RainingButtons….Yes, raging verbal abuse is absolutely abuse!!! And I t can be as terrifying as physical abuse is....it is just that the bruises are on the inside....
You don't deserve that...and, he is as wrong as wrong for doing that.....
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