Guilty, Sad, Scared
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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Guilty, Sad, Scared
I so needed to read all these comments this morning. I have been on this journey with my ABF for almost a year now. He’s been in and out of sober living facilities, detox centers, psychiatric wards, emergency rooms, jail....Each time he emerges with fresh hope - and then within two weeks we are back where we began. Most recently his formerly estranged parents allowed him to live with them, with very strict restrictions. He was on probation for DUI, so we all hoped he had been scared enough to really work at this. He started seeing a counselor, was going to AA, enjoying being around his parents. Then slowly the counseling become less important, AA meetings were only attended to get the court mandated signature, I started seeing the signs. Three days ago it happened. He relapsed in spectacular fashion. Spent the day spewing hateful comments to me via text, and then disappeared. Late the following day a police officer called and said they found him face down in a parking lot of a local store. He had wet his pants. His dad met the police officer and tried to persuade him to go home with him to sleep so that they could tackle this when he sobered up. He refused. So he spent the past couple of days sitting in his car in 95 degree weather, in urine soaked pants. No money, no food. After sending me awful texts for two days about how terrible I am for casting him off, I then started getting the suicidal texts. This has happened before, multiple times. I found him in his car, out of his mind drunk. I was furious. More manipulation. So I left him. Yesterday he finally sobered up, and the reality of his current situation has now set in. His parents left town, but they told him he could sleep on their back porch for now. The house is locked up. Yesterday evening, after all the vitriol, I got a very calm message from him telling me he loved me, and that I don’t need to worry anymore. Everything was going to be just fine. My first instinct was panic. The sudden calmness scares me. That is more a sign of suicidal plans than the angry threats. But everyone is telling me this is part of the game. What do I do? While our romance is now well and truly over I do very much still care for him. He’s so scared and alone and desperate at the moment. As a human I am really struggling with this, and I’m afraid that if I do nothing I’ll never be able to forgive myself if something happens to him. But I also need him to reach the bottom.......
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
He is as equally as alone as every single one of us on this planet. We are all alone. Yet we all have a higher power, family members, 12 step groups...etc.... if we CHOOSE to nurture and maintain those relationships. It is his choice to be alone, except that he's not alone, he's with alcohol.
It's horrible to watch the poor choices being made by a loved one. He will only really, truly be alone when he loses alcohol. I hope somehow he does lose alcohol and that will create the space to let his higher power in.
He has to be willing to let alcohol go. You have to become willing to leave him to it. It's not your fault. You have done so much for him already. While he is consumed by his addiction there is no room for you or anything you want to do for him.
Let your higher power in today. Look after yourself. Turn some of that unconditional love you have for him on yourself. Work on acceptance.
He is as equally as alone as every single one of us on this planet. We are all alone. Yet we all have a higher power, family members, 12 step groups...etc.... if we CHOOSE to nurture and maintain those relationships. It is his choice to be alone, except that he's not alone, he's with alcohol.
It's horrible to watch the poor choices being made by a loved one. He will only really, truly be alone when he loses alcohol. I hope somehow he does lose alcohol and that will create the space to let his higher power in.
He has to be willing to let alcohol go. You have to become willing to leave him to it. It's not your fault. You have done so much for him already. While he is consumed by his addiction there is no room for you or anything you want to do for him.
Let your higher power in today. Look after yourself. Turn some of that unconditional love you have for him on yourself. Work on acceptance.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Good morning . sorry you are going thru this. But look you can still kind of check on him . without the contact feel me. If that will give you peace of mind. And let you focus on you and your life. Dude is sick real talk. Aint nothng you can do for him but pray for him . and pray for yourself. This disease aint nothing nice. But it is his problem not yours. Keep coming back
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I teared up reading... & “feeling” your agony. A family friend called me last night & my ex girlfriend is going through a lot of tragedy/pain from her alcoholism. My ex is begging to reach out to me (so I’ve heard) — but I’ve remained strong with NC. It’s a helpless feeling.
I have no answers for you. Nothing can relieve this pain except re directing onto yourself and creating new dreams...
Much love to you. Stay strong.
I have no answers for you. Nothing can relieve this pain except re directing onto yourself and creating new dreams...
Much love to you. Stay strong.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He’s been in and out of sober living facilities, detox centers, psychiatric wards, emergency rooms, jail
He started seeing a counselor, was going to AA, enjoying being around his parents.
those were all opportunities for him to grab sobriety with both hands and not let go. lots of HELP, lots of times. never alone. not alone now - except for the choices HE makes, turning away from the help, support and love - returning to the bottle instead.
But I also need him to reach the bottom.......
that is not a choice for you to make. nor is that really anything we would ever want for someone. he may not HAVE a bottom. watching FOR it would be painful and pointless.
this is his life. and as disastrous and destructive as it may be, he is still the single owner of his own life. he knows where to go and what to do should he ever truly wish to change.
He started seeing a counselor, was going to AA, enjoying being around his parents.
those were all opportunities for him to grab sobriety with both hands and not let go. lots of HELP, lots of times. never alone. not alone now - except for the choices HE makes, turning away from the help, support and love - returning to the bottle instead.
But I also need him to reach the bottom.......
that is not a choice for you to make. nor is that really anything we would ever want for someone. he may not HAVE a bottom. watching FOR it would be painful and pointless.
this is his life. and as disastrous and destructive as it may be, he is still the single owner of his own life. he knows where to go and what to do should he ever truly wish to change.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by Angel65 
But I also need him to reach the bottom.......
Just wanted to comment on what you said, above. You can neither help him nor stop him from reaching "bottom", that is completely out of your control.
You can also neither stop him or help him to end his life if that is what he chooses.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, Can't cure it.
I personally don't believe in "rock bottom". Some seek help long before anything disastrous happens, some wait until they are sleeping under a tree and some just drink their whole lives. So that's a crap shoot and not an actual thing, everyone is different.
I absolutely agree with Seren that if you feel a welfare check needs to be done, call 911 and don't hesitate on that. As for the rest, the rock bottom etc - just not your side of the street.
You are not responsible for him though, there is only so much you can do and the welfare check is a kindness that would be nice to provide.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I agree with others, call so they can do a welfare check and call it good. He is not your responsibility. He is an adult. He has had many opportunities to get clean. There is help for him for if and when he wants it himself. Recovery is very hard and he has to really want it or he won’t be successful. Nothing you or anyone else does will get him there. If love could fix addiction none of us would be here. Yi7 have only been with him for a year and from the sounds of it it has been chaos from the beginning. It will only get worse unless he gets treatment and even if he were to get sober there are no guarantees he will stay sober or that he will still be a person you would want to be with. Recovery changes people a lot if they do it right, they have to or they won’t stay sober. They ah et o change their ways, their coping skills. He would be different person and you may or may not like that new person. If he decided to get serious about recovery today it would take a good year of hard work and sobriety before you would even know what sobriety with him would look like. and that is if he stays clean that long. You don’t have any obligation to him, if you’re done (which it sounds like ) you’re done. Nothing you have sone so far has helped him (because you cannot control him, NOT because you didn’t do enough) . He is an adult.
As far as rock bottom, some people get there and some don’t. The second to last time my ex stopped drinking (without treatment) and then started again I subconsciously knew I had to let it go this time until he hit rock bottom. Guess who hit rock bottom first....ME! I could no longer deal with it, was completely disgusted and done. But I gave him one more chance to clean up. He did (only because he himself had gotten to the point he felt he could no longer go on lie this but needed that final kick in the butt from me) and he went to rehab and worked hard at his recovery and got sober. Almost 3 years now. But it was too late for me. Had I not had a kid with him I would’ve been out when I gave him my ultimatum but I felt like I owed it to him and my kid to try one last time. I don’t regret trying but I did more or less feel like I was done.
Take care of yourself, addiction drives the non addict crazy, we put up with so much and it takes a huge toll on us, both physically and emotionally. I never realized it until after he got sober and I started counseling. But it did, it is so much more calm and relaxed now that I’m on my own. But I was afraid to be alone. Now I know that it is so much better than the chaos I lives with for so many years. Once you move on you will realize I think how much craziness you put up with. Good luck and go do something nice for you!
As far as rock bottom, some people get there and some don’t. The second to last time my ex stopped drinking (without treatment) and then started again I subconsciously knew I had to let it go this time until he hit rock bottom. Guess who hit rock bottom first....ME! I could no longer deal with it, was completely disgusted and done. But I gave him one more chance to clean up. He did (only because he himself had gotten to the point he felt he could no longer go on lie this but needed that final kick in the butt from me) and he went to rehab and worked hard at his recovery and got sober. Almost 3 years now. But it was too late for me. Had I not had a kid with him I would’ve been out when I gave him my ultimatum but I felt like I owed it to him and my kid to try one last time. I don’t regret trying but I did more or less feel like I was done.
Take care of yourself, addiction drives the non addict crazy, we put up with so much and it takes a huge toll on us, both physically and emotionally. I never realized it until after he got sober and I started counseling. But it did, it is so much more calm and relaxed now that I’m on my own. But I was afraid to be alone. Now I know that it is so much better than the chaos I lives with for so many years. Once you move on you will realize I think how much craziness you put up with. Good luck and go do something nice for you!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Angel65
As a human I am really struggling with this, and I’m afraid that if I do nothing I’ll never be able to forgive myself if something happens to him.
I recommend letting him go fully, which includes no more contact, and putting all that loving energy into yourself and your future. Somewhere out there is a partner who is capable of loving you back.
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