Would you do the work?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Would you do the work?
I’m not sure what to do ..
so AH hasn’t mentioned money again since I tried to broach the subject of paying me child maintenance a few weeks ago. He must have had the letter now from the authorities asking him to contact them with details, but the fallout I was expecting from that hasn’t happened. He’s carried on as if nothing’s changed. Still made zero effort to give me any financial support. Zero offers to pay me anything towards the credit agreement I took out for a new boiler in the house he’s living in. It bounced because I couldn’t cover it and I got charged £20 by my bank! He didn’t care. “Sh*t happens” apparently.
So yesterday he asked me to cover a job for him a clients cleaner was away on holiday and I agreed as long as I got the full amount of pay for it. He charges £12 an hour. I did 4 hours and it was hard work the lady had me moving furniture and everything.
He really did not want to give me the money though! I got the £10 an hour and I asked him for the £8 difference. Wow. He gave it me but looked like I’d just asked him for his life savings. He made me ask him twice for it before handing it over too. Pretending he’d forgotten or just not heard me the first time. It was this morning and it’s left me wound up and angry all day. Again.
The thing i want to run by you guys is this. He’s now asking me to cover more jobs for him. The money is useful of course... and I feel guilty for turning away work that fits around my caring for the children during summer holidays too ... but I feel like I am handing him over some control again if that makes sense? I’m going to have to go through this ritual of getting the money off him every time and it’s humiliating. But if I refuse then he’ll think I don’t need the money and use that to justify him not paying child support. “Oh well you could have had the money to pay for that if you’d done that job for me but you refused so you can’t need it that badly... etc”
but it’s like - why should I be doing this work for him if he resents me getting the full amount? And if he feels he’s actually doing ME a favour too? I set the business up for him. I did the research. I did the business plans. I did all the forms, sorted out the legal stuff, the planning, the website - everything. But it’s in his name. I don’t want to have to ASK him for anything! I feel though I don’t have a good enough reason to refuse when my kids NEED the money!?
It feels like I’d be cutting my nose off to spite my face. That it’s petty of me to say no?
I know I could just start anew. Set up a rival business on my own but I don’t have the energy. I’m struggling with depression and anxiety and I’m feeling really fragile emotionally right now. It’s an effort to leave the house if I’m honest.
And if I do refuse to do any more work for him he will likely loose the business faster than I think he is anyway, as half his cleaners are now on holiday, and he can’t get (doesn’t bother trying) cover. And then he won’t be able to pay support anyway even if the authorities decide to take it off him? Bankruptcy would loose the house he’s in - that I’m entitled to half of..
I’ve held off going to a solicitor because it will mean divorce and forcing him to sell the house. He can’t see that I’m holding back because I don’t want to do that it will devastate him and the kids will think I’m awful for making him move house again... but I really see me being left with no option.
What would you do?
so AH hasn’t mentioned money again since I tried to broach the subject of paying me child maintenance a few weeks ago. He must have had the letter now from the authorities asking him to contact them with details, but the fallout I was expecting from that hasn’t happened. He’s carried on as if nothing’s changed. Still made zero effort to give me any financial support. Zero offers to pay me anything towards the credit agreement I took out for a new boiler in the house he’s living in. It bounced because I couldn’t cover it and I got charged £20 by my bank! He didn’t care. “Sh*t happens” apparently.
So yesterday he asked me to cover a job for him a clients cleaner was away on holiday and I agreed as long as I got the full amount of pay for it. He charges £12 an hour. I did 4 hours and it was hard work the lady had me moving furniture and everything.
He really did not want to give me the money though! I got the £10 an hour and I asked him for the £8 difference. Wow. He gave it me but looked like I’d just asked him for his life savings. He made me ask him twice for it before handing it over too. Pretending he’d forgotten or just not heard me the first time. It was this morning and it’s left me wound up and angry all day. Again.
The thing i want to run by you guys is this. He’s now asking me to cover more jobs for him. The money is useful of course... and I feel guilty for turning away work that fits around my caring for the children during summer holidays too ... but I feel like I am handing him over some control again if that makes sense? I’m going to have to go through this ritual of getting the money off him every time and it’s humiliating. But if I refuse then he’ll think I don’t need the money and use that to justify him not paying child support. “Oh well you could have had the money to pay for that if you’d done that job for me but you refused so you can’t need it that badly... etc”
but it’s like - why should I be doing this work for him if he resents me getting the full amount? And if he feels he’s actually doing ME a favour too? I set the business up for him. I did the research. I did the business plans. I did all the forms, sorted out the legal stuff, the planning, the website - everything. But it’s in his name. I don’t want to have to ASK him for anything! I feel though I don’t have a good enough reason to refuse when my kids NEED the money!?
It feels like I’d be cutting my nose off to spite my face. That it’s petty of me to say no?
I know I could just start anew. Set up a rival business on my own but I don’t have the energy. I’m struggling with depression and anxiety and I’m feeling really fragile emotionally right now. It’s an effort to leave the house if I’m honest.
And if I do refuse to do any more work for him he will likely loose the business faster than I think he is anyway, as half his cleaners are now on holiday, and he can’t get (doesn’t bother trying) cover. And then he won’t be able to pay support anyway even if the authorities decide to take it off him? Bankruptcy would loose the house he’s in - that I’m entitled to half of..
I’ve held off going to a solicitor because it will mean divorce and forcing him to sell the house. He can’t see that I’m holding back because I don’t want to do that it will devastate him and the kids will think I’m awful for making him move house again... but I really see me being left with no option.
What would you do?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
To be honest, RB, if I were you I would be doing all I can to extricate myself from him, not enmesh myself further. I would also start prioritizing my own mental health and emotional wellness over his.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if you need a job, go get one. do not further subserviate yourself to this man. quit mollycoddling him. making things better for him. paying things for him. no one is benefiting except HIM. and don't project what you think your children might think or feel about something that has not happened yet, and use that to keep you stuck in place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
For me, I would take the work.
There would have to be some ground rules though. I would want to switch the control here.
First of all for all jobs he would have to pay in advance for 4 hours on the day or the day before (or whatever you consider the average number of hours to be). If you work less than that you will return the over payment, or apply it to the next job.
It would have to be written out (each payment) and he would have to sign it, hours worked etc.
Period, no negotiation on it.
This way there is no asking for money after the job is done, no him sitting there wondering - whatever is she talking about!
No games.
If he won't agree, I'd walk away from it. He starts to argue any payment, again, I'd walk away from it (getting the payment first lol).
Despite the fact that you do need the money, remember, you are in the position of power here. Normally that's not an issue, no one needs to hold the "power". In this case, for your own peace of mind, it's kind of imperative.
Now, that's easy for me to say, that's not your reality and you really need the money.
However, it's not worth your peace of mind (read sanity) to play this game with this man, it's just not. There are perhaps other, casual, part time jobs you could acquire during the summer, perhaps with another cleaning agency? This may even be your best bet, only you know. When struggling with anxiety and depression you might not feel that you can stand up to him, if that is the case, getting a different job is probably your best bet.
Remember, for all his huffing and puffing and being a jerk, you got your money!
There would have to be some ground rules though. I would want to switch the control here.
First of all for all jobs he would have to pay in advance for 4 hours on the day or the day before (or whatever you consider the average number of hours to be). If you work less than that you will return the over payment, or apply it to the next job.
It would have to be written out (each payment) and he would have to sign it, hours worked etc.
Period, no negotiation on it.
This way there is no asking for money after the job is done, no him sitting there wondering - whatever is she talking about!
No games.
If he won't agree, I'd walk away from it. He starts to argue any payment, again, I'd walk away from it (getting the payment first lol).
Despite the fact that you do need the money, remember, you are in the position of power here. Normally that's not an issue, no one needs to hold the "power". In this case, for your own peace of mind, it's kind of imperative.
Now, that's easy for me to say, that's not your reality and you really need the money.
However, it's not worth your peace of mind (read sanity) to play this game with this man, it's just not. There are perhaps other, casual, part time jobs you could acquire during the summer, perhaps with another cleaning agency? This may even be your best bet, only you know. When struggling with anxiety and depression you might not feel that you can stand up to him, if that is the case, getting a different job is probably your best bet.
Remember, for all his huffing and puffing and being a jerk, you got your money!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Believe it or not .. he’s literally just text me now asking me to please put an advert on Facebook for another cleaner for him!!
He clams to be unable to work Facebook job adverts ... 🙄
I’m ignoring. He will be well into his drinking by now too it’s 6.38pm ..
He clams to be unable to work Facebook job adverts ... 🙄
I’m ignoring. He will be well into his drinking by now too it’s 6.38pm ..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I'd steal the clients too--set up your own business as he is going to lose it anyway.
I think I would also get with the lawyer. Downwards spiral is accelerating.
No, I wouldn't work for him as he is the main reason you are feeling so fragile and vulnerable.
He's a manipulating bully and I think it's great you aren't doing the facebook ad.
Get after that child support RB before the getting gets cold.
I think I would also get with the lawyer. Downwards spiral is accelerating.
No, I wouldn't work for him as he is the main reason you are feeling so fragile and vulnerable.
He's a manipulating bully and I think it's great you aren't doing the facebook ad.
Get after that child support RB before the getting gets cold.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Just throwing this out there.
Since you set up the business and since he obviously has no interest in keeping it running.
Does it make decent money? If so, why not negotiate taking it from him.
Barring that, Aries suggestion sounds good!
Since you set up the business and since he obviously has no interest in keeping it running.
Does it make decent money? If so, why not negotiate taking it from him.
Barring that, Aries suggestion sounds good!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
I think this is weird. I was just reading a bit of a book a few minutes ago and this was part of the chapter I was reading:
"Fancy a married woman being able to have a career of her own like that! Most were just their husband’s servant or did part-time work like scrubbing on top of their household duties. Some of them even had to hand over the extra money they earned to their husbands instead of spending it on food for the children".
Jacobs, Anna
"Fancy a married woman being able to have a career of her own like that! Most were just their husband’s servant or did part-time work like scrubbing on top of their household duties. Some of them even had to hand over the extra money they earned to their husbands instead of spending it on food for the children".
Jacobs, Anna
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
I’ve held off going to a solicitor because it will mean divorce and forcing him to sell the house. He can’t see that I’m holding back because I don’t want to do that it will devastate him and the kids will think I’m awful for making him move house again... but I really see me being left with no option.
I am in a very similar position at the moment. I have been holding off divorce too for the same reasons as you. Truth is, there will never be a "good" time to do it or a less painful time for him or you or the kids.
Sooner better than later.
For me, things just keep getting more complicated and divorce is the only way out.
I am in a very similar position at the moment. I have been holding off divorce too for the same reasons as you. Truth is, there will never be a "good" time to do it or a less painful time for him or you or the kids.
Sooner better than later.
For me, things just keep getting more complicated and divorce is the only way out.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Nope, no.
First off, if this gets to where incomes have to be disclosed in the process of gaining child support, which is what this is looking like, this gives him the opportunity to manipulate you in that manner.
If you want to get a job, get one. However, in no way would I work for him, and in no way would I be doing anything for his business.
Just my two cents....
First off, if this gets to where incomes have to be disclosed in the process of gaining child support, which is what this is looking like, this gives him the opportunity to manipulate you in that manner.
If you want to get a job, get one. However, in no way would I work for him, and in no way would I be doing anything for his business.
Just my two cents....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
My ex didn't contribute a penny until he was legally forced to, and he ranted and raved about it every step of the way. I know that my fear of his reaction kept me from filing for a long time.
Trying to be "nice" (i.e. not asserting my legal rights) got me exactly nowhere. Waiting for him to grow a conscience was fruitless. He wanted to drink away every dime he had, not pay to feed/clothe/house his kid.
I got accused of being a gold digger and all kinds of other ridiculous nonsense. It was sad and hurtful, but not as bad as waiting forever for him to want to do the right thing.
If he's really worried about money, he could stop drinking (immediate savings there) and be a reliable service provider for his clients (more future income). Instead he's going to deprive his family of necessities and ruin your credit. Not a sound financial plan, just lots of entitlement and alcoholic thinking. He's a taker, not a giver.
Trying to be "nice" (i.e. not asserting my legal rights) got me exactly nowhere. Waiting for him to grow a conscience was fruitless. He wanted to drink away every dime he had, not pay to feed/clothe/house his kid.
I got accused of being a gold digger and all kinds of other ridiculous nonsense. It was sad and hurtful, but not as bad as waiting forever for him to want to do the right thing.
If he's really worried about money, he could stop drinking (immediate savings there) and be a reliable service provider for his clients (more future income). Instead he's going to deprive his family of necessities and ruin your credit. Not a sound financial plan, just lots of entitlement and alcoholic thinking. He's a taker, not a giver.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Raining, if you're doing the work, and placing the advert, for heavens sake just invest in your own business. You've already done most of the homework.
This is a crazy situation where he's making you work for the money to support his own child. I know you're frazzled, but placing yourself in his power isn't sustainable.
This is a crazy situation where he's making you work for the money to support his own child. I know you're frazzled, but placing yourself in his power isn't sustainable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Thankyou for all the replies. Honestly this has helped me so much to unravel the turmoil in my head. And to see what working for him is doing to me! Ive still ignored his request to do the advert. He’s not asked again. He’s got himself another job in a bar so he’s earning plenty right now with two businesses and a part time job. He’s made me feel like a gold digger for asking him for the extra few pounds yet he’s not offered me one penny for HIS kids. He takes them to McDonald’s though and spends £14 on sweets in the shop after school! So HE looks good. I’m beginning to think he’s a narcissist. He recently applied to be DBS checked so he can become a scout leader at our daughters scout group! Wtf?! He is usually drunk by 7pm when the meetings take place!? What’s that all about? It’s about saving face and looking like the “great dad” in front of everyone. I’ve started to see through his fake ass crocodile tears too. We had to have one of the cats put to sleep this week. The same one HE was ranting about peeing about his house and threatened to rehome. Of course HE is devastated. Crying. Sobbing. He’s never shed a tear over loosing me though. Kids were devastated but HE was “too upset himself” to hang around and comfort them after we gave them the news. He went to a bar instead.
Im angry. My anger has consumed me this weekend I’m feeling so down, but maybe it’s all part of the healing process. My eyes are open and I’m done with waiting for him to WANT to do the right thing.
Im angry. My anger has consumed me this weekend I’m feeling so down, but maybe it’s all part of the healing process. My eyes are open and I’m done with waiting for him to WANT to do the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
This is a win for you buttons. It's painful, but it is your personal
growth in seeing things/people for what they really are. You are
able to really look at things and see the whole picture, the truth.
Yes, I agree, definite narcissistic qualities when you see someone
say a certain thing and then act in an opposing way which
coincidentally makes them looks kind and admirable.
This performance only can get him so far, so you take care of
yourself and get your kids the monetary support that they
are entitled to.
growth in seeing things/people for what they really are. You are
able to really look at things and see the whole picture, the truth.
Yes, I agree, definite narcissistic qualities when you see someone
say a certain thing and then act in an opposing way which
coincidentally makes them looks kind and admirable.
This performance only can get him so far, so you take care of
yourself and get your kids the monetary support that they
are entitled to.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
My husband and I call it “the nice guy tax.” It’s the price some people make you pay for being nice, because they have zero sense of obligation to be decent, let alone nice, in return.
You lead with nice, because you’re a nice person. But when the response is clearly and obviously that being nice is something they have no qualms about exploiting...you have to try something else.
Nice isn’t getting you anywhere. And honestly, even if your kids do get angry with you, so what. They need to learn that you are nobody’s doormat.
Anger can be a great motivator. Let it help you, yes?
You lead with nice, because you’re a nice person. But when the response is clearly and obviously that being nice is something they have no qualms about exploiting...you have to try something else.
Nice isn’t getting you anywhere. And honestly, even if your kids do get angry with you, so what. They need to learn that you are nobody’s doormat.
Anger can be a great motivator. Let it help you, yes?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
My eyes are open and I’m done with waiting for him to WANT to do the right thing.
this reminds me of a scene from the movie The Break Up. altho alcohol is not at the center of the issues, the "wanting" of the other to change, be different IS.....classic line "I want you to WANT to do the dishes"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKKyxmf_BR8
this reminds me of a scene from the movie The Break Up. altho alcohol is not at the center of the issues, the "wanting" of the other to change, be different IS.....classic line "I want you to WANT to do the dishes"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKKyxmf_BR8
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 47
I'm with everyone else if you know how to start and run a business do it. Unlike him do it right, don't charge $12 and pay $10. Thats not a business, that might as well be a charity service, businesses make a profit. Charge $30 and when you can't do the work yourself pay someone $10. No sense in worrying about $2 when loads of money is being thrown away not charging right.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
What about setting up a webpage and contacting the current clients to let them know you are starting your own business? If he is doing such a poor job and you built it in the first place, why not?
Getting money through legal system may take a long time. Can you afford to wait until they take their business elsewhere anyway?
Getting money through legal system may take a long time. Can you afford to wait until they take their business elsewhere anyway?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
