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I miss him tonight

Old 06-30-2019, 10:03 PM
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I miss him tonight

I know I shouldnít. Iíve been rereading the lists of things he did that hurt me when he was drunk. Replaying the horrible things he said. But I guess because itís really starting a second month of no contact, itís finally hitting me this isnít just a break. I wonít fall asleep in his arms ever again, and wake up to the guy I actually liked who I really only saw in the morning.

I know itís good to be off the crazy train. I didnít realize just how much chaos he caused. Every single day there was some huge crisis, that in all actuality was nothing, just an excuse to drink or caused by it. But sometimes I find myself kind of lost, without all of the intensity that I got used to consuming every second of my life. He used to tell me he made my life interesting. Iíve come to realize that he did, just not in a very positive way.

its my birthday this week. In 4 years he never once bought me a present. I donít know why Iím having such a hard time with it, and Iíd rather type it out here than message him. Itís not worth looking weak and reinviting the pain into my life.

sorry for the rant.
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Old 06-30-2019, 11:07 PM
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First of all, Happy Birthday!!!

Sometimes it's good to rant....it's certainly better than reaching out to what (who) you know will burn you. I think sometimes us codies allow the dysfunction in our lives because it takes the focus off of ourselves and our world is consumed with the drama of life with an alcoholic. At least, I know I've been guilty of that.

Do something special for yourself for your birthday. Buy yourself a present, get your nails done, get a massage....treat yourself, because you're worth it.
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Old 07-01-2019, 01:47 AM
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I know.. Sometimes it just hits you out of the blue eh. I have a blue blanket that reminds me of his bath robe and every now and then it just reminds me of him, the good old days and it hurts. You're still grieving. I should just chuck out the blanket. It's funny what makes you miss someone.

But that guy is long gone. I try to focus on how it would feel to have another guys bathrobe.. Sober dude. Guy who'd never forget my b'day. Maybe a guy who really enjoyed making my b'day a special day cos that's the sweet gentle guy he is. Be grateful that you've made space in your life for somebody who woukd love to buy you a silly card, pretty flowers and watch your face brighten when he hands them over. You deserve that guy.

Happy birthday... Well done you for giving yourself the best birthday present ever. Self love!! You're something special girl!!
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Old 07-01-2019, 02:38 AM
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Milano, I know youíre grievingóit does hurt... but Iím here to confirm that there are genuinely thoughtful and loving men out here in the world who would be honored to spoil you today... on your birthday!

You have a beautiful heart.
Happy Birthday!
Perhaps treat yourself to a massage?...
wearing YOUR favorite robe, build a new memory or birthday tradition for yourself. 😉
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Old 07-01-2019, 04:45 AM
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Happy birthday! A day all about YOU!
It is hard, I know Iím there myself and trying to stay no contact with soon to be XAH.
I have put all the pictures and reminders of him in my doggiesí room (yes they have their own room lol), and will go through all of it when I am ready. It certainly is not now...
if I tried to go through it now I wanna certainly end up messaging him.
Agreed, do something special for you, make YOUR memories!
hugs to you!
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Old 07-01-2019, 05:36 AM
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Happy b day. Sorry for the loss ......or gain? Your sanity back. I am newly dicorced in April 2019 been ruff . but now I focus on my sobriety then starting over. Have 58 days under my belt . tool box is with me like my cell phone.lol.
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Old 07-01-2019, 07:01 PM
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I know I shouldnít.

honor what you DO feel - not the mental gymnastics of what you think you should or should not feel in any given situation. that's self shaming for what is a perfectly normal experience.

on the flipside, just cuz we FEEL something doesn't mean we have to DO anything about it. anymore that we THINK something...we also don't have to DO anything with that think!
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Old 07-01-2019, 07:47 PM
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I understand completely. I was away this weekend at a family wedding. Was so fun but it felt like something was missing... him... AND... walking on eggshells if he drank too much. When I thought of it that way, I was able to have clear thoughts and I know I am on the correct path... without him. I miss the friendship but not the bad times. It will fade with time and maybe none day I will meet someone who deserves me. You will too, chin up and carry on... it really is the only way
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Old 07-01-2019, 07:52 PM
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Iíve been working hard one something from the guided meditations I do at night. When I think of him, I acknowledge that itís there, and valid, and move on. Some days go better than others, but I have maintained NC (and thankfully so has he).

And Iím there too, with the not walking on eggshells. My good friend invited me to his wedding of him and his boyfriend of 26 years. With my ex, I would have had to be the DD and hope he didnít make a scene because it was at a cocktail bar. Instead I had a good friend DD me, enjoyed my drinks, and got to celebrate that I was one of 3 people invited to see 2 wonderful people get married. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Also, the 4th of July, I get to go to my moms cookout and then walk to the fireworks. My ex always got too drunk by 4pm to do either. Itís weirdly quiet to have a normal life again.
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Old 07-05-2019, 07:50 PM
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I totally emphasize how you feel. I too have a list that I keep reading over and over. It seems like the further away I get my my relationship (one month no contact) the less I forget about the bad times and the more I remember the good times.

I'm super lonely tonight. I'm going to try exercise and meditation tonight to see if that helps. I want to just sit and sulk but I'm trying to replace negative habits with positive ones. Even if I work out for just a half hour I have to feel a little better right?
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Old 07-05-2019, 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Leochic06 View Post
I totally emphasize how you feel. I too have a list that I keep reading over and over. It seems like the further away I get my my relationship (one month no contact) the less I forget about the bad times and the more I remember the good times.

I'm super lonely tonight. I'm going to try exercise and meditation tonight to see if that helps. I want to just sit and sulk but I'm trying to replace negative habits with positive ones. Even if I work out for just a half hour I have to feel a little better right?
I should add that I signed up for therapy today. I'm hoping it helps.
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Old 07-05-2019, 08:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Leochic06 View Post
I totally emphasize how you feel. I too have a list that I keep reading over and over. It seems like the further away I get my my relationship (one month no contact) the less I forget about the bad times and the more I remember the good times.

I'm super lonely tonight. I'm going to try exercise and meditation tonight to see if that helps. I want to just sit and sulk but I'm trying to replace negative habits with positive ones. Even if I work out for just a half hour I have to feel a little better right?
Leochic, Iíve noticed that the further out from the start of no contact, that it gets harder. Like the realization that if things go well, Iíll never speak to him again. Iíve known and loved him for almost 20 years and that thought is very overwhelming now. But then I think about what contact looks like. Heíll either say mean things and make me feel bad, or talk his way back into my life and make me feel bad. Iíve never had an ex, even the only other one who broke my heart, that gave me such anxiety at the thought of reopening the conversation. I take that to mean I shouldnít. Tomorrow is my birthday. I feel like after tomorrow and not talking to him my heart will move on a little more.

Stay strong. Therapy does really help. Itís what helped give me the strength to walk away. And if you donít like your therapist, find another one. Best of luck to you. Iím always happy to talk.
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Old 07-06-2019, 03:25 AM
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imaginariumÖ.short term pain....for the long-term gain.
I think that a lot of people stay in toxic relationships because they can't face the short term pain....
If they only knew and believed that they would be so much happier in the long run....
Not able to tolerate the delayed gratification.....

I once read about an experiment on delayed gratification in children.....
They placed a marshmallow in front of the children and left them alone in the room for 15 minutes. The children were told that they could eat that marshmallow...BUt...if they didn't eat the marshmallow, that they would receive 2 marshmallows that they could eat, at the end of the 15 minutes....
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Old 07-06-2019, 06:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Imaginarium View Post


Leochic, Iíve noticed that the further out from the start of no contact, that it gets harder. Like the realization that if things go well, Iíll never speak to him again. Iíve known and loved him for almost 20 years and that thought is very overwhelming now. But then I think about what contact looks like. Heíll either say mean things and make me feel bad, or talk his way back into my life and make me feel bad. Iíve never had an ex, even the only other one who broke my heart, that gave me such anxiety at the thought of reopening the conversation. I take that to mean I shouldnít. Tomorrow is my birthday. I feel like after tomorrow and not talking to him my heart will move on a little more.

Stay strong. Therapy does really help. Itís what helped give me the strength to walk away. And if you donít like your therapist, find another one. Best of luck to you. Iím always happy to talk.
I agree. I've been 30 days no contact and have only heard from him once. And it was him thanking me for sending stuff.

in our 30 days. I passed out one year anniversary and a couple of important dates. Each day was hard. But your right. It has made me stronger.
I totally get how you feel. The longer the time away the more you wonder if they even miss you.
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Old 07-07-2019, 08:57 AM
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After 5 years working my program, I can tell you it will get better if you stick with yours.

The intense 14 years we had together seem like it happened to somebody else.

Do I still miss him? Sometimes.

If I happen to run into him, it is easy with no emotional punch. That doesn't mean I don't care, I am successfully able to resist the urge to jump in and fix.

As for the rest of the world, I am REALLY picky who I hang out with.
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Old 07-07-2019, 05:19 PM
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It has been a year for me and so worth it. Many days heartbroken and crying but where I am at now, it was all worth it. I am at the point where I am disgusted with myself that I spent and wasted 10 years with him. Stay strong.
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