I know I shouldn’t. I’ve been rereading the lists of things he did that hurt me when he was drunk. Replaying the horrible things he said. But I guess because it’s really starting a second month of no contact, it’s finally hitting me this isn’t just a break. I won’t fall asleep in his arms ever again, and wake up to the guy I actually liked who I really only saw in the morning.

I know it’s good to be off the crazy train. I didn’t realize just how much chaos he caused. Every single day there was some huge crisis, that in all actuality was nothing, just an excuse to drink or caused by it. But sometimes I find myself kind of lost, without all of the intensity that I got used to consuming every second of my life. He used to tell me he made my life interesting. I’ve come to realize that he did, just not in a very positive way.

its my birthday this week. In 4 years he never once bought me a present. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with it, and I’d rather type it out here than message him. It’s not worth looking weak and reinviting the pain into my life.

sorry for the rant.