Why do I continue to let myself be hurt? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 06-20-2019, 04:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Why do I continue to let myself be hurt?


At this point I'm starting to wonder if I'm crazy. How many times can I let the same person hurt, manipulate and use me, yet still allow him in my life? I clearly see what he is doing, I believe I'm 100% right in thinking he's a narcissist, and yet I won't go no contact, am hurting myself by allowing this to continue, am physically feeling the effects of the stress, I'm too embarrassed to confide in friends or family at this point....I'm at my wit's end with the entire thing.

I attempted no contact, which I didn't stick to. He text me twice. I responded that I hadn't been feeling well, now he's ignoring me. It's all manipulation, and I know it.

I don't know what I'm so afraid of .What could be worse than this? He isn't drinking at the moment, or so I think, and he promised me he'd get into a recovery program, which never happened.

I have started counseling, but we've just started. I do not know how to process that this is how a person truly can be. That he pretends to love me for his benefit. That no program or lack or alcohol is going to "fix it". And I don't know how to get on with my life without obsessing about him and us. I'm having a very hard time even functioning on daily things.

​​​​​​Has anyone else felt this way? How do you get out of this?
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Old 06-20-2019, 04:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Sounds like "co-dependancy".
Have you read anything about that? Your name seems to say that you are aware of it.
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Old 06-20-2019, 04:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Yes, I'm very aware of it. Which is yet another reason why I don't understand why I won't stop. I KNOW this isn't healthy. I get a horrible feeling of panic. It's truly overwhelming. That's where I'm stuck. What am I so afraid of that could hurt worse than this or make me feel worse than this? Not to mention that he has blamed me for so much, my self esteem is shot, I have no friends except one, and I question if he's actually right.
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Old 06-20-2019, 05:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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CodependyÖ...It is good that you have started counseling.....
The more support you get, the better....
From what you share...it sounds like you are pretty isolated from support...of people who know you and validate your feelings....
In addition, I suggest that you are probably in a grieving process....because, in less than a month ago...in another thread, you indicate that you feel that the relationship is, basically, over...or, on it's last leg.... And, even with that...you indicate that you are still hanging on to the last vestiges of hope that he will change....
This is a painful state to be in....grieving is always painful and the cycle of hope and despair is enough to wear you down to a nubbin...Ö(if you are not from the South...you may have to google nubbin....lol)Ö.
It is my own experience and experiences of others...that, human contact and connections of empathetic others is the most essential factor in healing the heart and soul....
I suggest that you align more human support (in addition to us, of course)Ö.
Alanon is a good starting place...because you will be validated , there and those people will understand beyond mere words...as they have all walked in your shoes....
Find ways to be around healthy and positive people...even if it is just watching people in the park....or having coffee in a coffee shop...
If you have a particular religion...church activities is a place to go...
You might, also, join a class of some sort....like a crafts class or volunteering in some kind of way...
You may have to move out of your comfort zone....you will have to make some changes...
You might have to begin with baby steps...but, baby steps work....
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"....
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Old 06-20-2019, 06:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes!!! It took me a very long time to come around to the fact that my XAH could just be the person he is. I grew up in a family that is his polar opposite. I was not trained to look for a sneaky, lying, narcissist. It took me a long time to even realize what all of that means.

Go to counseling. Tell the truth. Dig deep. Build yourself up so you can see you deserve more, and are willing to follow through to get there. You can do it, and we will support you all the way!

Big hugs!
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Old 06-20-2019, 06:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you Hopeful4.
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Old 06-20-2019, 06:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you very much Dandylion. You're right. I feel very alone. And, he is fantastic at sucking me back in, and I am fantastic at letting him.

Last edited by Codependy76; 06-20-2019 at 06:46 AM. Reason: Typo
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Old 06-20-2019, 06:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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CodependyÖ.have you ever done any reading on "trauma bonding"...?
I wonder, if you did...if you would find any of it resonating with you?
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Old 06-20-2019, 06:55 AM   #9 (permalink)
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You are a strong, beautiful and brave survivor.

Here is a bit of info I relate to:

"Humans are wired to emotionally bond with the people around them. This ability to bond is the glue that keeps families and relationships together. When we feel endangered or insecure our natural reaction is to reach out to those we are bonded with for protection. But what happens when the person we are bonded to is the one who is mistreating us? Then our tendency to bond works against us.

Under normal circumstances, we might be able to walk away from our abuser and look for help elsewhere. Unfortunately, the conditions that create trauma bonding are not at all normal."


Healing happens through creating new healthy connections, allowing awareness of safe places and new actions.

Al-Anon: http://www.al-anon.org/
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Old 06-20-2019, 06:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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^^^^^^^^^^^this!^^^^^^^^^
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Old 06-20-2019, 07:10 AM   #11 (permalink)
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It might not be a bad ideal to look at your own child development/ upbringing. If there was any kind of early childhood trauma or issues with bonding with your primary caregivers, abuse, emotional needs not being met, etc, the resulting abandonment issues would be triggered when in a similar situation in adulthood. I think thatís really common.
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Old 06-20-2019, 07:38 AM   #12 (permalink)
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You arenít alone. Iím deeply sorry you hurt.
Me and so many others were... or are still in the chaos. Iím still recovering. It still hurts.
I know traumatic bonding oh too well.
This forum & therapy will help you so much (if you actively make it work)... at least, it did for me. Itís like a family who understands your pain. Hang in there... one tiny step at a time...
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Old 06-20-2019, 10:27 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I will definitely look up trauma bonding. I would say that my relationship with my father was not good. Guilt was a primary control tactic. It still is.
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Old 06-20-2019, 10:34 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Yes, I'm very aware of it. Which is yet another reason why I don't understand why I won't stop. I KNOW this isn't healthy. I get a horrible feeling of panic. It's truly overwhelming.
Iíve heard many alcoholics/addicts say those exact same words.

You realize how hard it is for you to let go of your obsession now you have an idea of what itís like for him to give up his.

Glad you are getting some professional help. I also agree that you need support all around you from family and friends.
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