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Old 04-19-2019, 09:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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XAH (of 9 mo) gf just had his baby 2 days ago. Hes been very nice in our dealings with the kids lately, itís actually been pleasant. So now despite having supervised custody only with a Soberlink with our kids, his new baby and family seem super duper fantastic and everyone is oh so happy for them. Itís all hitting me like a box of rocks. I knew it was coming but the baby actually coming has made it way more real. Why does it sting so much?

Im sitting here with a life that I should be happy with, feeling miserable. I have a good job, family, even been dating a guy I adore. Yet sometimes itís like I get hit with the tidal wave, like this.

I feel like since this divorce, I can definitely relate to people with depression. It doesnít happen often for me, but sometimes my life just feels like it sucks sooo bad when rationally I should not feel like that.

I can talk to myself and reason and it all makes sense. He hasnít changed, there are still problems, the baby was clearly unplanned and everyone is making the most of it. He and his gf are still in the honeymoon stage and she doesnít see the real issues yet. Etc etc. But it still hurts.

Support needed
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Old 04-19-2019, 09:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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batchel, everything you are feeling is really normal. IDK, I think sometimes that we can come out of denial and see what our lives really were, but I also think that we can go back there, or if not back in denial, just questioning, why my life with the ex couldn't be like that.

I think that it's good that you are talking about it. It's better to get it out, and then just walk away from it. I don't think it would be a normal feeling to not have emotions about this. I think a baby being born would bring us back to the past to remember how we felt then. I also think that it would bring back memories of all the things that went wrong.

I think you summed up everything in your last paragraph as to how you feel or need to deal with this.

Here for you, and many (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))).

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Old 04-19-2019, 11:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
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hey batchel, how do you know all this, I mean the "his new baby and family seem super duper fantastic and everyone is oh so happy for them"

Social media? Not worth the fonts placed there.

As for your feelings, I totally see why you feel that way. Remember though that in reality you left because you did not want to deal with his alcoholism.

That has not changed. I know that at some time there was a relationship with him that you wanted, I'm sure you think about that sometimes, that's normal. The fact that it was not sustainable because he is an alcoholic doesn't make that easier to take.

He was one way, then he was a much different other. That original guy is gone - gone! That's not a great thing to have to deal with. You have this person that you love and marry and have a family with and then that person is gone! That sucks, no two ways about it.

Addiction sucks.

I wonder how he will deal with the fact that he is no longer number one in that household, you can't be when you have children.

More will be revealed.

As for you, there is some grief. You will get your equilibrium back, of that there is no doubt.
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Old 04-20-2019, 12:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi batchel
It's grief it comes in waves. Ride the wave and know that the universe has great plans for you, you just don't know what they are yet.
you are doing your work, looking at the problems that you had in your marriage and looking at your stuff. None of this is comfortable.
Your ex has fast forwarded to the happy ending. He skipped the bit when he does his work. He will have to do it at some point.
Hold onto all the things that are good in your life. They will get you through your darkest days.
A gratitude list every morning is so simple but so effective. Especially when you don't feel like doing it
big hugs to you
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Old 04-20-2019, 02:49 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I just had a bizarre thought.....I sometimes, watch the show on tv.."Sister Wives".....and, I always wonder....how in the world do those women handle that?!
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Batchel, once you get over this feeling you will go on with your life stronger and wiser. Grief doesn't disappear overnight, or ever really, but it does diminish over time to something we can easily cope with.
Of course you're right about everything seeming all peachy and wonderful, but whose shoes would you rather be in?
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I think that when we grieve the loss of a relationship, no matter how toxic it was, we are also grieving for the life we expected to have.
As others have said, ride the grief wave, donít turn it away or stuff it, post here, journal, go for walks or runs, and just live your life day by day.
And I wouldnít count on everything being roses and unicorns with the new family.
You have peeked behind that curtain.
You know.
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Old 04-20-2019, 06:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
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aawwww batchel *HUG*

I know these feelings you have been having. It still happens to me every once in a while, this wave of sadness washes over me and I have to wonder, "Where the heck did THAT come from?!"... I'm remarried, I'm happy, I'm healthy, my life is peaceful and easy, I know damn well that no matter where my life experiences take me in the future I would NEVER go back to living with AXH (or anyone like him), so why this wave of sad feels???.... I have to believe it's normal after a long term relationship termination to have some of these residual emotions. One thing I can say is that it happens less and less as time goes on, and even when it does happen now it is not debilitating like it was in the beginning.

I'm glad you came hear to tell us how you are feeling, it helps to get it out. *hugs*
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Old 04-20-2019, 07:08 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Dear Batchel
I want to second what everyone has posted, but also want to point out that 9 months is nothing when it comes to grief.
It took me over 4 years to quit thinking about my ex every day. Maybe I could have gotten there sooner if I had worked harder, maybe not. Grief takes on a life of its own.
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Old 04-20-2019, 09:18 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi batchel!



You're doing great, whether it seems like it at times or not. What I hear from your words is you are feeling, acknowledging these feelings, reaching out, stating your needs and are open to receiving.

We can wind up with all sorts of things to process (grieving, cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding recovery, facing reality as something very different then we realized, etc.) and though they tend to have a rhythm of their own, there sometimes are many very healthy, helpful actions we can take to deal with them. It can be as easy as starting with brewing a cup of tea or as natural as sitting quietly, feeling a storm of emotions. As I trust the process by acknowledging how I've seen it work, it becomes easier. Tears, laughter, joy, pain, calmness and whatever balance starts working out.

"Have there been any times this past week that you've allowed yourself to fully feel?"

Thank you for posting and being here.
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Old 04-20-2019, 09:37 AM   #11 (permalink)
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btw -- not to negate how you're feeling, simply to add a perspective of natural things that seem to be going on. Please feel free to tell me if I'm way off base!!!

As I've had the freedom to feel my feelings more fully, there they are. Waiting to be felt, processed, transformed.

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I feel like since this divorce, I can definitely relate to people with depression. It doesn’t happen often for me, but sometimes my life just feels like it sucks sooo bad
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Old 04-20-2019, 11:09 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
XAH (of 9 mo) gf just had his baby 2 days ago. Hes been very nice in our dealings with the kids lately, itís actually been pleasant. So now despite having supervised custody only with a Soberlink with our kids, his new baby and family seem super duper fantastic and everyone is oh so happy for them. Itís all hitting me like a box of rocks. I knew it was coming but the baby actually coming has made it way more real. Why does it sting so much?

Im sitting here with a life that I should be happy with, feeling miserable. I have a good job, family, even been dating a guy I adore. Yet sometimes itís like I get hit with the tidal wave, like this.

I feel like since this divorce, I can definitely relate to people with depression. It doesnít happen often for me, but sometimes my life just feels like it sucks sooo bad when rationally I should not feel like that.

I can talk to myself and reason and it all makes sense. He hasnít changed, there are still problems, the baby was clearly unplanned and everyone is making the most of it. He and his gf are still in the honeymoon stage and she doesnít see the real issues yet. Etc etc. But it still hurts.

Support needed
Not to oversimplify, but I think the grief is just for what we thought we could be and have with that person, not necessarily sadness for what our life is like today .
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Old 04-20-2019, 02:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Not to oversimplify, but I think the grief is just for what we thought we could be and have with that person, not necessarily sadness for what our life is like today .
This really makes sense. I think it's possible to mourn the loss of something that never existed, like the idea of a happy, healthy future with the person you married.

I remember feeling that way when my ex had a big stylish wedding with wife #2. It seemed so unfair that he got to be a big success in his new life post-being-married-to-me, while I was still sitting at home every night.

Now-ex-wife #2 and I have become friends and she told me that at their wedding both ex and his sister got completely hammered at the reception and she was terrified that her family would notice, which set the tone for their (very few) years of wedded bliss. That was her experience of their Instagram-worthy happy-smiles event. The reality is very different from the show.
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Old 04-21-2019, 03:39 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
I just had a bizarre thought.....I sometimes, watch the show on tv.."Sister Wives".....and, I always wonder....how in the world do those women handle that?!
Well, they all start out on the same page and have a shared value of this communal living style. That's a huge difference between monogamous exes and having to navigate new partners and kids. Polygamous and polyamorous people also start out totally above board and in agreement that shared love is preferred over monogamous coupling - also a big difference from monogamous agreements that are shattered, especially when you add in alcoholism. Yes, there are certainly challenges even in healthy polygamy and polyamory, but everyone is in agreement about the set-up from the outset, based on shared values. A cheating or even ex alcoholic partner situation is on a totally different emotional planet.
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Old 04-21-2019, 03:52 AM   #15 (permalink)
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My ex-husband has re-married, and I'm happy for him. I must admit, that if he and his new wife had had a child, it would have been very painful for me--because I've never been able to have any.

All that to say, I think it's natural, really. I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling, the grief you are re-experiencing. Please take good care and know that in time, the pain will lessen!
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Old 04-21-2019, 08:59 AM   #16 (permalink)
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after your divorce and before the baby's arrival, you stated that he was still being an obnoxious PIA and fighting you at every turn. and altho it was negative attention, it was still attention. and also while awful, it became the new normal.

now he has many other distractions. his focus is off you and onto other things. there isn't as much drama, conflict, or negative attention. he is not creating such adrenaline-inducing situations. you are no longer remanded to Fight or Flight.

the drop of adrenaline, the drop of constant conflict, those alone can cause a marked change in mood and outlook. it's a natural reaction to change.
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Old 04-21-2019, 11:28 AM   #17 (permalink)
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When the ex rabf married I felt euphorically happy it wasn't me. I honestly got on my knees and thanked God for helping me dodge a bullet. This simply reflects the degree of destructiveness he brought into my life and the fact there were no children. It gets easier, I promise!
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Old 04-21-2019, 11:30 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Hi batchel,

How are you doing today?
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Old 04-22-2019, 08:08 AM   #19 (permalink)
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So now despite having supervised custody only with a Soberlink with our kids, his new baby and family seem super duper fantastic and everyone is oh so happy for them.
I think the key word there is SEEM super-duper fantastic and happy. This man hasnít changed into the person you always wished heíd be. This other woman doesnít have some kind of magic powers that can change him. This act of his can only last so long before the mask falls off and reality rears its ugly head of alcoholism. The gf will in time begin to live the EXACT SAME LIFE with him as you did, probably worse as the disease progresses.

Iím sure the situation hurts you a lot today but once you reach a place where you are not envious of what SEEMS to be happy for them and you view it through the lenses of reality, youíll have a light bulb moment and feel grateful that that is no longer the life you lead living with an alcoholic. I have a feeling that day is going to come sooner than later.
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Old 04-23-2019, 03:10 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Thanks all for the supportive and insightful words. It always helps to get the outside in perspective. Itís so much easier to see the reality of others situations sometimes than it is your own.

I just want my emotions to match my reality and reason. I heard this poor woman testify in court when they were trying to get her to be a supervisor and she is clueless. It was shocking. It was clear that he wasnít transparent with her about any events that occurred and also clear that she had never dealt with an alcoholic of this capacity. Pretty much if he said he didnít drink, she believed him. She felt she was an appropriate supervisor because she could obviously see what his drink choices were and be able to intervene. Soo.., you think you will see him drink? Poor poor girl.

Also I was with him for 15 years. All of which he had issues on/off. He might be good now, but itís onky a matter if time. Iíve seen this all before.

So why do my emotions still get sucked in? My mind knows the reality. I think part of me misses the sides of him that I married. I think I also still do must have subconscious thoughts that ďmaybe he will change afterallĒ that cause it. I wish my emotions would reflect what I know is true.
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