No contact, second time around! (My choice this time).
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If you continue on your recovery journey, keep the focus on you and not on external people and tangled emotions you will become immune to the opinions and actions of others and you won’t be a victim of needless suffering.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 
So this morning the ex alcoholic in my life rang and texted and asked me to call around. After a few brief exchanges I got a feeling I was being used . So I decided to sent him a goodbye text. I explained that I am grateful for all I've learned from him, how I have learned I deserve better. That I don't deserve to hear about his latest tinder dates, get abusive texts and only be asked out for lifts etc and get nothing back. I said his addiction will always come first and I don't factor into it and I wish him best but I can't do it anymore.
He replied back that I was too intense and boring and he will get on just fine without me whinging on, that he only asked me out to give him a lift to the supermarket to get booze (under guise of asking me to breakfast, which was a can of diet cola by sounds of it).
So I've blocked his number now so NC starts all over again. I feel better that this time I chose it and it must say something for me that I could recognise the bad treatment and know I didn't deserve it. Last time he lived here, he used to do the same but I think I was so infatuated with him then I would put up with anything.
Don't get me wrong I feel anxious in my stomach and wonder am I boring and too serious? Should I just have been relaxed, had fun and went along for the ride and been more supportive. Have to be honest. Honest answer is I'm unsure but I think I may have taken a lot of my power back.
He replied back that I was too intense and boring and he will get on just fine without me whinging on, that he only asked me out to give him a lift to the supermarket to get booze (under guise of asking me to breakfast, which was a can of diet cola by sounds of it).
So I've blocked his number now so NC starts all over again. I feel better that this time I chose it and it must say something for me that I could recognise the bad treatment and know I didn't deserve it. Last time he lived here, he used to do the same but I think I was so infatuated with him then I would put up with anything.
Don't get me wrong I feel anxious in my stomach and wonder am I boring and too serious? Should I just have been relaxed, had fun and went along for the ride and been more supportive. Have to be honest. Honest answer is I'm unsure but I think I may have taken a lot of my power back.
When I was reading your post I was expecting him to say you were "too sensitive" because that's always a good standard comeback when someone is in defense mode. That is to say, please don't take what he said to heart. Remember the source.
If you are "too intense and boring" does this mean you don't drink all day, spend your time flirting with strangers on the internet just to rile them up then share it with people you know to make them feel bad? That you pay for yourself , that you have dreams and hopes and responsibilities and real friends?
Well if that what that means, good for you!
His insult is just that, a poorly thought out dig at you for his own defense.
All that said, you are still probably going to have some grieving to do. I hope you have made a list of negatives to keep with you and that you will refer to it often, including the exchange today.
Enjoy your cake, you've earned it.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
When I was reading your post I was expecting him to say you were "too sensitive" because that's always a good standard comeback when someone is in defense mode. That is to say, please don't take what he said to heart. Remember the source.
If you are "too intense and boring" does this mean you don't drink all day, spend your time flirting with strangers on the internet just to rile them up then share it with people you know to make them feel bad? That you pay for yourself , that you have dreams and hopes and responsibilities and real friends?
Well if that what that means, good for you!
His insult is just that, a poorly thought out dig at you for his own defense.
All that said, you are still probably going to have some grieving to do. I hope you have made a list of negatives to keep with you and that you will refer to it often, including the exchange today.
Enjoy your cake, you've earned it.
If you are "too intense and boring" does this mean you don't drink all day, spend your time flirting with strangers on the internet just to rile them up then share it with people you know to make them feel bad? That you pay for yourself , that you have dreams and hopes and responsibilities and real friends?
Well if that what that means, good for you!
His insult is just that, a poorly thought out dig at you for his own defense.
All that said, you are still probably going to have some grieving to do. I hope you have made a list of negatives to keep with you and that you will refer to it often, including the exchange today.
Enjoy your cake, you've earned it.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Ah, yes, "boring" -- my XABF's favorite insult. What it really meant was that I expected him to behave like a responsible adult.
If that's boring, I own it
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Good job reclaiming your life! You should be living for you, not living for someone else’s crazy.
If that makes you “boring,” so be it. I like to joke that I worked my ass off to get this boring. I had to quit drinking and learn how to live my life as a sober person. I had to deal with all my stuff, real and imagined, and feared.
I bet that recovery for those those who love allies is pretty similar in that regard. So if you’re “boring,” that makes you amazing and evolving and maturing.
Id take that over stuck in my own crap any day.
You rock!
If that makes you “boring,” so be it. I like to joke that I worked my ass off to get this boring. I had to quit drinking and learn how to live my life as a sober person. I had to deal with all my stuff, real and imagined, and feared.
I bet that recovery for those those who love allies is pretty similar in that regard. So if you’re “boring,” that makes you amazing and evolving and maturing.
Id take that over stuck in my own crap any day.
You rock!
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Originally Posted by wehav2day
Good job reclaiming your life! You should be living for you, not living for someone else’s crazy.
If that makes you “boring,” so be it. I like to joke that I worked my ass off to get this boring. I had to quit drinking and learn how to live my life as a sober person. I had to deal with all my stuff, real and imagined, and feared.
I bet that recovery for those those who love allies is pretty similar in that regard. So if you’re “boring,” that makes you amazing and evolving and maturing.
Id take that over stuck in my own crap any day.
You rock!
If that makes you “boring,” so be it. I like to joke that I worked my ass off to get this boring. I had to quit drinking and learn how to live my life as a sober person. I had to deal with all my stuff, real and imagined, and feared.
I bet that recovery for those those who love allies is pretty similar in that regard. So if you’re “boring,” that makes you amazing and evolving and maturing.
Id take that over stuck in my own crap any day.
You rock!
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Thank you! Definatelt takes so much work and a lot more to go. I could just meet him where he's at and go drinking with him and his cousin but how sick would that be. Focus back on me again now, hopefully the emotional part will wear off with time.
Not some football player that looks so good, not some charming guy - but the real guy that sponges off his cousin, has no job (and isn't looking for one) is drunk and rude and unkind and manipulative.
That's him.
He's lied about wanting to quit drinking and about being in "recovery" and tapering.
He took off to recover and he could not speak to you for 5 months while he sought help but maybe, MAYBE he would contact you when he did his amends.
Guess these are his "amends". Offering you a diet coke and can you drive me to get some alcohol?
Why doesn't have have a car or a license by the way.
You know, the guy has a lot, A LOT, of growing up to do. When you speak of him his responses and comments are a lot like what you would expect from a young teen, not a grown up person.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
The reason you are where you are right now is because you really saw him for what and who he is.
Not some start football player that looks so good, not some charming guy that people admire - but the real guy that sponges off his cousin, has no job (and isn't looking for one) is drunk and rude and unkind and manipulative.
That's him.
He's lied about wanting to quit drinking and about being in "recovery" and tapering.
He took off to recover and he could not speak to you for 5 months while he sought help but maybe, MAYBE he would contact you when he did his amends.
Guess these are his "amends". Offering you a diet coke and can you drive me to get some alcohol?
Why doesn't have have a car or a license by the way.
You now, the guy has a lot, A LOT, of growing up to do. When you speak of him his responses and comments are a lot like what you would expect from a young teen, not a grown up person.
Not some start football player that looks so good, not some charming guy that people admire - but the real guy that sponges off his cousin, has no job (and isn't looking for one) is drunk and rude and unkind and manipulative.
That's him.
He's lied about wanting to quit drinking and about being in "recovery" and tapering.
He took off to recover and he could not speak to you for 5 months while he sought help but maybe, MAYBE he would contact you when he did his amends.
Guess these are his "amends". Offering you a diet coke and can you drive me to get some alcohol?
Why doesn't have have a car or a license by the way.
You now, the guy has a lot, A LOT, of growing up to do. When you speak of him his responses and comments are a lot like what you would expect from a young teen, not a grown up person.
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Glenjo-
I just want to support you on a comment you made in your other post on this topic.
Getting to this place, for you, in this moment is the reason you needed to be in touch with him again.
I am sorry you got burned, but I am glad you learned what "hot," means in this instance.
Growth does not mean you don't take steps backwards, it means you change what you do going forward again.
I just want to support you on a comment you made in your other post on this topic.
Getting to this place, for you, in this moment is the reason you needed to be in touch with him again.
I am sorry you got burned, but I am glad you learned what "hot," means in this instance.
Growth does not mean you don't take steps backwards, it means you change what you do going forward again.
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Glenjo-
I just want to support you on a comment you made in your other post on this topic.
Getting to this place, for you, in this moment is the reason you needed to be in touch with him again.
I am sorry you got burned, but I am glad you learned what "hot," means in this instance.
Growth does not mean you don't take steps backwards, it means you change what you do going forward again.
I just want to support you on a comment you made in your other post on this topic.
Getting to this place, for you, in this moment is the reason you needed to be in touch with him again.
I am sorry you got burned, but I am glad you learned what "hot," means in this instance.
Growth does not mean you don't take steps backwards, it means you change what you do going forward again.
An interesting part of today was, I could see the Codependent part of me, telling him the things I deserved that he was not giving me. Instead of focusing on myself and meeting him where he was with no expectations, I had to tell him, even though I knew it would annoy him. My Codependency recovery still has a way to go!
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
An interesting part of today was, I could see the Codependent part of me, telling him the things I deserved that he was not giving me. Instead of focusing on myself and meeting him where he was with no expectations, I had to tell him, even though I knew it would annoy him. My Codependency recovery still has a way to go!
Now, in most relationships with like-minded people this obvious stuff goes without saying (ie: treat me with respect and kindness), but in all cases, if someone's behaviour is upsetting or not what you require there is no reason not to share that.
The expectation part comes when you then expect that person to do that. They will or they won't - that is their choice and out of your control, what you then choose to do about it (something or nothing) is in your control.
I may be misunderstanding you.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm a bit confused by this. Being non-codependent doesn't mean that you don't have any expectations and it doesn't mean you don't share those.
Now, in most relationships with like-minded people this obvious stuff goes without saying (ie: treat me with respect and kindness), but in all cases, if someone's behaviour is upsetting or not what you require there is no reason not to share that.
The expectation part comes when you then expect that person to do that. They will or they won't - that is their choice and out of your control, what you then choose to do about it (something or nothing) is in your control.
I may be misunderstanding you.
Now, in most relationships with like-minded people this obvious stuff goes without saying (ie: treat me with respect and kindness), but in all cases, if someone's behaviour is upsetting or not what you require there is no reason not to share that.
The expectation part comes when you then expect that person to do that. They will or they won't - that is their choice and out of your control, what you then choose to do about it (something or nothing) is in your control.
I may be misunderstanding you.
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I agree with Melody - that telling them off is a waste of energy and only upsets us.
That said, this wasn't just you saying, hey your Diet Coke offer isn't enough, I need this that and the other thing. This is you saying, that's it for contact and this is why.
Two different things. You voiced what you wanted to voice. I suspect if you hadn't you would be posting now that you wish you had told him why. Now, he will do nothing (or something) with that information, out of your control. If he comes back knocking at your door it's up to you what you choose to do, your side of the street.
Continuously venting your displeasure at someone truly is a waste of time and if you say it more than once or twice, well that falls in to the territory of trying to change them (and yes, I have done this).
That said, this wasn't just you saying, hey your Diet Coke offer isn't enough, I need this that and the other thing. This is you saying, that's it for contact and this is why.
Two different things. You voiced what you wanted to voice. I suspect if you hadn't you would be posting now that you wish you had told him why. Now, he will do nothing (or something) with that information, out of your control. If he comes back knocking at your door it's up to you what you choose to do, your side of the street.
Continuously venting your displeasure at someone truly is a waste of time and if you say it more than once or twice, well that falls in to the territory of trying to change them (and yes, I have done this).
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Yes I think the familiar is easy to go back to, and emotions are strong things to try and go against. I think it was when he sent me a video last night of him cooking a lovely meal, music playing and drinking wine that really irked me when he was offering me a diet cola drink for breakfast!!!! Something just clicked that his actions said I am so low on his priority list. All the good looks and charisma in the world are not enough to put up with feeling like gum on the end of someone's shoe.
Seriously, though, he sounds like he does use his looks and charm to get by. And if anyone catches on to him, or gives him feedback about himself or his behavior, he's probably savvy enough to know just what to say to get into someone's head, and or how to act to keep the whole push-pull dynamics going.
So the person on the receiving end feels off center and like maybe it's them, and feeling like crap, or not sure where they stand because the messages are so mixed. In short, he's a mess, and has to use smoke and mirrors to try to make people feel insecure, so they are spinning on that, and not looking at him too closely and seeing him for who he really is. I think once you see that game and how it works, its hard to unsee it. From what you said, it sounds like he has some awareness of this already, and is dodging around from person to person when he sees people are on to him?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I agree with Melody - that telling them off is a waste of energy and only upsets us.
That said, this wasn't just you saying, hey your Diet Coke offer isn't enough, I need this that and the other thing. This is you saying, that's it for contact and this is why.
Two different things. You voiced what you wanted to voice. I suspect if you hadn't you would be posting now that you wish you had told him why. Now, he will do nothing (or something) with that information, out of your control. If he comes back knocking at your door it's up to you what you choose to do, your side of the street.
Continuously venting your displeasure at someone truly is a waste of time and if you say it more than once or twice, well that falls in to the territory of trying to change them (and yes, I have done this).
That said, this wasn't just you saying, hey your Diet Coke offer isn't enough, I need this that and the other thing. This is you saying, that's it for contact and this is why.
Two different things. You voiced what you wanted to voice. I suspect if you hadn't you would be posting now that you wish you had told him why. Now, he will do nothing (or something) with that information, out of your control. If he comes back knocking at your door it's up to you what you choose to do, your side of the street.
Continuously venting your displeasure at someone truly is a waste of time and if you say it more than once or twice, well that falls in to the territory of trying to change them (and yes, I have done this).
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Originally Posted by pdm22
He could have at least offered you a muffin with the diet coke, jeez. :/
Seriously, though, he sounds like he does use his looks and charm to get by. And if anyone catches on to him, or gives him feedback about himself or his behavior, he's probably savvy enough to know just what to say to get into someone's head, and or how to act to keep the whole push-pull dynamics going.
So the person on the receiving end feels off center and like maybe it's them, and feeling like crap, or not sure where they stand because the messages are so mixed. In short, he's a mess, and has to use smoke and mirrors to try to make people feel insecure, so they are spinning on that, and not looking at him too closely and seeing him for who he really is. I think once you see that game and how it works, its hard to unsee it. From what you said, it sounds like he has some awareness of this already, and is dodging around from person to person when he sees people are on to him?
Seriously, though, he sounds like he does use his looks and charm to get by. And if anyone catches on to him, or gives him feedback about himself or his behavior, he's probably savvy enough to know just what to say to get into someone's head, and or how to act to keep the whole push-pull dynamics going.
So the person on the receiving end feels off center and like maybe it's them, and feeling like crap, or not sure where they stand because the messages are so mixed. In short, he's a mess, and has to use smoke and mirrors to try to make people feel insecure, so they are spinning on that, and not looking at him too closely and seeing him for who he really is. I think once you see that game and how it works, its hard to unsee it. From what you said, it sounds like he has some awareness of this already, and is dodging around from person to person when he sees people are on to him?
Yes he's quite aware of what he's doing and is quite manipulative. He uses put downs to try make people more insecure. A few times lately he tried some with me, and I'd read somewhere to call him on them (before I'd laugh or agree). I said, hey that sounds like a put down and he was taken aback! He actually said in his last text today he can't be dealing with my insecurities and sulking lol so your right about the smoke and mirrors to make people insecure. He should be studied.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
He's too arrogant to come back knocking on my door now. I suspect he will do nothing but move on and keep drinking. Another gem of info he relayed to me this week was he came high on psychopath diagnosis whilst in rehab, so he can't feel empathy! What happened today I imagine won't phase him one bit, which is why he found ignoring me for 5 and half months so easy.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Struggling today. Having regrets about NC. Why is it so hard.
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There's a reason that Al-Anon incorporates the same 12 steps, the same meeting model, the same sponsor model as AA - we are addicts as well. We need a full on, life changing program in order to go from addiction to health (recovery) and it's an ongoing process, not a place we arrive in. We are the equivalent of alcoholics that stopped drinking only a few days ago and there is so much more for us ahead. To be successful, we need to change our entire way of life and we cannot do it alone. It won't work for us to sit alone and try to maintain NC, we need a community of health around us now. Don't go it alone - reach out. As alcoholics rarely can maintain sobriety on their own, so we also cannot pursue recovery in isolation.
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