Glenjo99

Well I go to gym 5 days a week where I run and do weights, walk my dog daily, do a yoga class once a week, often do an extra walk in the evenings listening to podcasts. I meditate daily, read quite a bit, have a spiritual practise daily where I read from the language of letting go (melody beattie) and courage to change (Al Anon book), combined with serenity prayer and other ones I've built up over last few months!

And you know what, none of all of that makes a blind bit of difference today when I'm longing to see him. As bad as I felt he treated me at times all I can think of is the moments I enjoy, and sure wouldn't it be ok to put up with it. I must be as sick as he is, or addicted.

FallenAngelina

This is one reason alcoholics go to meetings so much in the early stages of recovery. Do you have a meeting available to you today? Don't go it alone.

Glenjo99

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ill try to find one thanks. There's one at 8.15 tonight near me.

FallenAngelina

I'm on Day 3, so I'm right beside you.

Glenjo99

Thanks, I think I got cocky when I did no contact this past summer, but when he came back into my life, it was like a relapse for me! Now I have to start all over again.

pdm22

hopeful4

I too send you hugs. You can do this, and it will make you a better person in the end!!

boreas

Natalie Lue has a site called “baggage reclaim” with articles about imbalance in relationships. The gist is that when women accept crumbs from their partners, (who are simultaneously telling us those crumbs are whole loaves), we set ourselves up for constantly low expectations and tolerate less and less while still calling it a “relationship”. So we’re all in, while they barely have anything invested and just throw out a little bait to make sure we stay on the hook. She refers to it as “managing down our expectations” so we take less and less and still consider it normal.

None of her writing is specific to addiction so she doesn’t use the codependent label, but many concepts are similar.

I read her stuff and said “Yup! That’s me!” I found it a helpful reminder that I missed what could have been, not what was. I also appreciated that I needed to discover what a healthy relationship was outside of the unique problems that happen when you throw addiction into the mix. I thought it might be helpful.

I just had to chuckle at his tantrum and petty insults when you didn’t behave as he wished. He probably thought he was on to something...you’re not reporting back to his cousin so he can use you to score some extra alcohol outside of her RDA. Maybe moderation isn’t going so well.

A self-confident and self-aware woman is anything but boring. Active addiction is the opposite of personal growth. Give yourself time...it sure sounds like you’re kre making good choices.
-bora

Glenjo99

Thanks. Wish I could get idea out of my head, he's having a fantastic time out there without me. I do this all time. Creating fantasy life in my head.

atalose

We don’t create a fantasy world to escape reality, we create it to be able to stay.

This is where we lie to ourselves about how wonderful they are, how wonderful our life would be if we went back to that toxic environment with them.

trailmix

Yeah not so much.

You know the reality of addiction I'm sure, having read around these forums. Although if you are not an addict you can't truly "know" (thankfully).

Where is this great time he is having? He has no job, no car, no license, no friends. He lives with and is supported by his cousin. He is an addict.

If that's a fantastic time - ok I'm missing something here.

He is at a point where he has lost all semblance of being a great human being. He is rude, manipulative, malicious, unkind, dishonest, vengeful, hateful and he has to live with that, every day and there are times when he is not drunk when he probably realizes all this.

He's not having a fantastic life. He is not looking for "help".

Now how you make yourself see this and see that you don't need any part of it, well that depends on you.

I can see that you are really trying to distract yourself with all your activities and that's a good thing. It is also akin to white-knuckling it. Aside from your Al-Anon meetings I don't see any real human contact in there, I don't see any activity that involves interaction with other people that you care about.

At Al-Anon they usually have a list of people who are happy for you to call them. Have you met anyone there that has given you their number or do they have a list?

Where in all of your activity is YOUR fantastic life, I don't see any fun there?

Glenjo99

Thank you, I'll check out that website sounds like some good information on it. I agree he thought he was onto a great thing. To say her moderation is not going well is an understatement lol. Apparently he had 7 bottles of wine sat and 8 on Sunday, and after that he went out to local shop to buy something and cannot return to it, whatever he did there. I agree self confidence is much more attractive.

Glenjo99

That's very true, there isn't a lot of human contact so purposely visited my niece's today which was nice and had a coffee with a good friend whos partner is a recovered alcohlic of 10 years. Feel much better after talking to her as she gets the mind games, manipulation and craziness. She said I deserve so much better but can't see it, could not believe his abusive messages. She also commented that since I've been in touch with him I've looked worn out so also was glad I'm going NC again. Told me to be on my guard as thinks he may get in contact again. I am looking at maybe going away for the weekend, I'm seriously lacking fun!

pdm22

Glenjo99

Good analogy. All smoke and mirrors. That's so disappointing.

Glenjo99

Being processing some things in my head.

Being asking myself why I couldn't just be supportive and more like his cousin this week. He sent me some videos of him cooking a lovely meal on Tuesday night whilst drinking wine. In the message he said I'll cook this for you soon followed by love hearts and kisses. I got annoyed inside because I had asked him to come in over last weekend but he said no, instead he stayed at home drinking. I got annoyed because I felt his promises are empty and this meal would never come to fruition. In my weaker moments, and I said this to my friend last night, I wonder why didn't I just say thanks I look forward to it like I used to. Accept him where he is.

All I can come up with is, that because of what happened earlier in year, the broken promises of this last summer and our plans, I now don't believe any of his plans/intentions good or bad. So my fuse is shorter. I messaged him back that night and said, I'm going to bed having an early night talk tomorrow, to which he replied, stay strong and if you need to chat I'm here for night (he was on the vino). This annoyed me more that he was offering me a listening ear lol. My friend seemed to think that this is what alcoholics do. Contribute to your feeling crap and then try to be the saviour, mind games.

I know I'm going on a bit, but I know someone will understand I'm just processing. So maybe I'm too hurt still to be as understanding and easy going as I used. Stating my needs I did for myself, maybe it overwhelmed him but that's his stuff.

FallenAngelina

How was the meeting?

Glenjo99

It was ok but it was one I was at before and I didn't feel I got as much as others from it. I prefer coda meetings which I might try get to tomorrow. How you doing?

FallenAngelina

Monday, we had a "spirited" discussion on the phone during which I told him that if he texted me again I would block him. Yesterday he texted me and I reminded him that I'd block him. He texted again and I blocked him. It's the first time in almost 3 years that I've used the block. I haven't before because I just wasn't ready. I've come to see that NC doesn't serve and doesn't hold if I am not fully committed to it. I have equivocated about it so much (in my head, not aloud with him) in the past, but now I feel settled in my heart about it. This morning I feel liberated and at peace.

I see from your other thread that you listen to Abraham-Hicks. This resource has been such a valuable tool in my recovery box. I see how my own conflicting thoughts (and thus, feelings) play out into a conflicting situation with him. It's taken me a long time, but little by little, my thoughts are streamlined in the direction of what I want. I can always tell if it's "working" by how I feel. When I feel at peace, it's working. When I feel anxious or worried (conflicted,) then I reach for a tool from the box.

Glenjo99

Well done you. Sounds like a lovely feeling to be liberated and at peace.

I have all kinds of images in my head of what he's doing in my absence (all amazing of course), I think it was easier when he was in another country. It's a form of self torture, need to up the self love.