No contact, second time around! (My choice this time).
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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You allowed another person to define who you are. Dont throw boundaries out the window, and especially one as big as that. Baby and bath water and all that. People are faceted - we are faceted and you are too.
I have a friend who got heavily into fitness. Her entire life revolved around fitness. She wore that armband around her arm everywhere she went, even when dressed up for an elegant Christmas party. She never allowed herself time to just be silly, or eat one Twinkie. She checked it constantly to see how many steps, heart rate, etc. not wearing it one day would not have changed anything she did, even when still delving into fitness and nutrition knowledge.
A label can do that too, as can constantly second guessing your decisions. I understand you are on a long journey, but there is so much in between where you are and your "destination". It's like a road trip - stopping at those quaint towns you never heard of is part of the fun.
You can have joy while you continue to learn
I have a friend who got heavily into fitness. Her entire life revolved around fitness. She wore that armband around her arm everywhere she went, even when dressed up for an elegant Christmas party. She never allowed herself time to just be silly, or eat one Twinkie. She checked it constantly to see how many steps, heart rate, etc. not wearing it one day would not have changed anything she did, even when still delving into fitness and nutrition knowledge.
A label can do that too, as can constantly second guessing your decisions. I understand you are on a long journey, but there is so much in between where you are and your "destination". It's like a road trip - stopping at those quaint towns you never heard of is part of the fun.
You can have joy while you continue to learn
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by Clover71 
You allowed another person to define who you are. Dont throw boundaries out the window, and especially one as big as that. Baby and bath water and all that. People are faceted - we are faceted and you are too.
I have a friend who got heavily into fitness. Her entire life revolved around fitness. She wore that armband around her arm everywhere she went, even when dressed up for an elegant Christmas party. She never allowed herself time to just be silly, or eat one Twinkie. She checked it constantly to see how many steps, heart rate, etc. not wearing it one day would not have changed anything she did, even when still delving into fitness and nutrition knowledge.
A label can do that too, as can constantly second guessing your decisions. I understand you are on a long journey, but there is so much in between where you are and your "destination". It's like a road trip - stopping at those quaint towns you never heard of is part of the fun.
You can have joy while you continue to learn
I have a friend who got heavily into fitness. Her entire life revolved around fitness. She wore that armband around her arm everywhere she went, even when dressed up for an elegant Christmas party. She never allowed herself time to just be silly, or eat one Twinkie. She checked it constantly to see how many steps, heart rate, etc. not wearing it one day would not have changed anything she did, even when still delving into fitness and nutrition knowledge.
A label can do that too, as can constantly second guessing your decisions. I understand you are on a long journey, but there is so much in between where you are and your "destination". It's like a road trip - stopping at those quaint towns you never heard of is part of the fun.
You can have joy while you continue to learn
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Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I know, I think I thought after sending him goodbye message I would all of a sudden feel empowered and move on. I have felt wretched ever since. Doubting and questioning. Your right I'm not actively having fun, I just don't feel like it but I know I need it.
As for a decision, you have a good point. I am flip flopping around and in nomans land even though I've said goodbye. I'm not sure I could be all in, as for all out I'm trying but it's early days.
You say him sending the video of him cooking was manipulative...glad I wasn't going mad! He was looking to make me mad wasn't he?
As for a decision, you have a good point. I am flip flopping around and in nomans land even though I've said goodbye. I'm not sure I could be all in, as for all out I'm trying but it's early days.
You say him sending the video of him cooking was manipulative...glad I wasn't going mad! He was looking to make me mad wasn't he?
Big hug.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Unfortunately we humans have to grieve and grieving takes time. It is going to be awhile before you start feeling better. Try to be as okay with feeling like crap as you can be. It isn't fun.
Big hug.
Big hug.
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Location: East Coast
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Clover identified something that's been bothering me these past couple days. It seems to me that your actions have all do do with dealing with your ex or tackling your codependency. What do you like to do? Do you like to cook? Knit? Sing? What is your favorite TV show? How about video games? Is there something that you would love to do but haven't dared try yet?
Have you watched the Netflix baking show "Nailed it!" I love that show so much. Three people who are grossly unqualified to participate in any baking contest do just that. And the results are hilarious. I love the idea of trying something that you know you won't be perfect. You know that you will probably fail spectacularly, but you just do it anyway, without fear of judgment. Maybe you don't remember how to do something that just celebrates you, but it doesn't mean you can't start taking those first creaky steps.
In regards to the "boring," all I can say is this. We all can be boring. We all can be shy. We all can be hopelessly awkward. But it really depends on whom you're talking to. Yesterday I had a conversation about accounting that would probably send you to SnoozeLand, but it sure was interesting to me and the person on the other side of the table ("And then... I checked the cash flow. Duhn, duhn, DUHHHHNNNN!!!!"). I found for myself that once I gave myself permission to be as boring as hell, my life became a thousand times richer as I started gravitating towards people who appreciated my quirks, and spending much less time with people who thought I was a snooze. I'll never be the life of the party. I'll never be the most popular person at the local bar. But I will be myself, and that's good enough for me.
Have you watched the Netflix baking show "Nailed it!" I love that show so much. Three people who are grossly unqualified to participate in any baking contest do just that. And the results are hilarious. I love the idea of trying something that you know you won't be perfect. You know that you will probably fail spectacularly, but you just do it anyway, without fear of judgment. Maybe you don't remember how to do something that just celebrates you, but it doesn't mean you can't start taking those first creaky steps.
In regards to the "boring," all I can say is this. We all can be boring. We all can be shy. We all can be hopelessly awkward. But it really depends on whom you're talking to. Yesterday I had a conversation about accounting that would probably send you to SnoozeLand, but it sure was interesting to me and the person on the other side of the table ("And then... I checked the cash flow. Duhn, duhn, DUHHHHNNNN!!!!"). I found for myself that once I gave myself permission to be as boring as hell, my life became a thousand times richer as I started gravitating towards people who appreciated my quirks, and spending much less time with people who thought I was a snooze. I'll never be the life of the party. I'll never be the most popular person at the local bar. But I will be myself, and that's good enough for me.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Yes I think the familiar is easy to go back to, and emotions are strong things to try and go against. I think it was when he sent me a video last night of him cooking a lovely meal, music playing and drinking wine that really irked me when he was offering me a diet cola drink for breakfast!!!! Something just clicked that his actions said I am so low on his priority list. All the good looks and charisma in the world are not enough to put up with feeling like gum on the end of someone's shoe.
i think that was "look what you are missing" manipulation
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Yes, with the promise of I'll cook this for you soon.
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
....it's not much fun when you miss him but your the one who said goodbye. Really hard.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
This is very likely just his usual talk with a few drinks in him. Active alcoholics rarely choose their words carefully, they usually just blurt out whatever comes to mind. He could very well have meant it sincerely in the moment. That this feels like manipulation to you isn't a factor of whether he was or was not calculating to hurt you (we can never know) but more a factor of your not standing by what you want. It feels like manipulation to you because you are not solid in your own boundaries. You've been attempting to make boundaries for yourself, but you're not standing by your decisions. Thus, you feel manipulated by him. But nobody can manipulate a person who is clear and confident in what he wants and stands by that decision.
Perhaps you are just not yet ready for NC, which is OK. NC only holds when we are ready. The effectiveness of NC really has nothing to do with the other person's actions.
Perhaps you are just not yet ready for NC, which is OK. NC only holds when we are ready. The effectiveness of NC really has nothing to do with the other person's actions.
When you say me not standing by what I want, what do you mean exactly?
Yes that's what I meant when I say I overreacted. Although i can't be sure of his intentions he may have meant it in the moment to cook me that meal but it made me angry because I felt it was an empty promise. In the past I would have say yes that would be lovely. My feeling is I'm hyper vigilent or hyper sensitive to anything he said or did, because of what happened in the summer and his re entrance back into my life/area. As for the NC you may be right, as someone else said, I may need to see it out in my own way. Words don't teach, experiences do.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
When you say me not standing by what I want, what do you mean exactly?
What do you want?
Write it out here. Then we can support your statement and your choice to stand by it.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
What do you want?
Write it out here. Then we can support your statement and your choice to stand by it.
Write it out here. Then we can support your statement and your choice to stand by it.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
* I want him in my life
* I want to stop being reactive, overreacting and underreacting.
* I want to be more chilled out if I hear him say he's on dating apps.
* To remember he can't have a relationship with any of them either and laugh it off.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
These are the parts around which you have full control. The other parts are not within your control. This is a list of what you want and what is within your purview to maintain. Now you are clear about what you want and that is essential when creating boundaries for yourself. It also helps us support you as we go along.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Clover identified something that's been bothering me these past couple days. It seems to me that your actions have all do do with dealing with your ex or tackling your codependency. What do you like to do? Do you like to cook? Knit? Sing? What is your favorite TV show? How about video games? Is there something that you would love to do but haven't dared try yet?
Have you watched the Netflix baking show "Nailed it!" I love that show so much. Three people who are grossly unqualified to participate in any baking contest do just that. And the results are hilarious. I love the idea of trying something that you know you won't be perfect. You know that you will probably fail spectacularly, but you just do it anyway, without fear of judgment. Maybe you don't remember how to do something that just celebrates you, but it doesn't mean you can't start taking those first creaky steps.
In regards to the "boring," all I can say is this. We all can be boring. We all can be shy. We all can be hopelessly awkward. But it really depends on whom you're talking to. Yesterday I had a conversation about accounting that would probably send you to SnoozeLand, but it sure was interesting to me and the person on the other side of the table ("And then... I checked the cash flow. Duhn, duhn, DUHHHHNNNN!!!!"). I found for myself that once I gave myself permission to be as boring as hell, my life became a thousand times richer as I started gravitating towards people who appreciated my quirks, and spending much less time with people who thought I was a snooze. I'll never be the life of the party. I'll never be the most popular person at the local bar. But I will be myself, and that's good enough for me.
Have you watched the Netflix baking show "Nailed it!" I love that show so much. Three people who are grossly unqualified to participate in any baking contest do just that. And the results are hilarious. I love the idea of trying something that you know you won't be perfect. You know that you will probably fail spectacularly, but you just do it anyway, without fear of judgment. Maybe you don't remember how to do something that just celebrates you, but it doesn't mean you can't start taking those first creaky steps.
In regards to the "boring," all I can say is this. We all can be boring. We all can be shy. We all can be hopelessly awkward. But it really depends on whom you're talking to. Yesterday I had a conversation about accounting that would probably send you to SnoozeLand, but it sure was interesting to me and the person on the other side of the table ("And then... I checked the cash flow. Duhn, duhn, DUHHHHNNNN!!!!"). I found for myself that once I gave myself permission to be as boring as hell, my life became a thousand times richer as I started gravitating towards people who appreciated my quirks, and spending much less time with people who thought I was a snooze. I'll never be the life of the party. I'll never be the most popular person at the local bar. But I will be myself, and that's good enough for me.
love it. I'm quirky too.
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My home church changed their service times, and has been continually growing. Now they have three big morning services. I arrived just before the second service ended. It was similar to walking into a stadium as everyone else was walking out, except the paths were narrow. This was deeply moving to me on an emotional level as I easily found my path through the masses who were going in a different direction.
I stayed for a little bit, drank my tea I had gotten when arriving and talked with one of the pastors outside before we left, about our dogs and ease of life.
My spiritual experiences have been by walking my own path and connecting with people in a very "law of attraction" way.
I stayed for a little bit, drank my tea I had gotten when arriving and talked with one of the pastors outside before we left, about our dogs and ease of life.
My spiritual experiences have been by walking my own path and connecting with people in a very "law of attraction" way.
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Originally Posted by Mango212
My home church changed their service times, and has been continually growing. Now they have three big morning services. I arrived just before the second service ended. It was similar to walking into a stadium as everyone else was walking out, except the paths were narrow. This was deeply moving to me on an emotional level as I easily found my path through the masses who were going in a different direction.
I stayed for a little bit, drank my tea I had gotten when arriving and talked with one of the pastors outside before we left, about our dogs and ease of life.
My spiritual experiences have been by walking my own path and connecting with people in a very "law of attraction" way.
I stayed for a little bit, drank my tea I had gotten when arriving and talked with one of the pastors outside before we left, about our dogs and ease of life.
My spiritual experiences have been by walking my own path and connecting with people in a very "law of attraction" way.
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