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Old 05-24-2018, 07:57 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Starting over


I am on vacation for the weekend at a friend's house and I think it just finally set in that me and my A are over.

I am relieved but I am also so sad. I have to start over now.

A delusional part of myself thought that this person would be my husband and the father of my future children. I know that I can not ever speak to him again because of what he has done to me.

Whenever I start to get really upset I try to hear those awful things he called me when he was wasted in my head. I try to remember just how hard he would grab me. I try to remember how he made fun of me for being raped years ago. I try to remember how he would threaten me. Was this him or the alcohol doing these things?

I will not ever know but I am so incredibly sad. I loved him and I thought he loved me more than he loved alcohol but I know how that goes. A sick part of myself is wounded that he has not tried harder to contact me. I check everyday to see if there is a blocked voicemail from him but I know there won't ever be.

Thanks for reading
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Old 05-24-2018, 08:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
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SagCitrine - big hugs to you, so sorry you are going through this, and you came to the right place, there are a few of us here that had to let “our” alcoholics go.

All active alcoholics love alcohol more than they love their loved ones. It completely takes over all aspects of their lives. You are enough and worthy - you just were unfortunate to get involved with active alcoholic.

Can completely relate to your list of things - I actually had to have a list of “why I am divorcing AH”.

It gets better, I promise
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Old 05-24-2018, 08:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I try to remember just how hard he would grab me. I try to remember how he made fun of me for being raped years ago. I try to remember how he would threaten me.

There is no love in any of this behavior whether there is alcohol on board or not. It sounds like he has some very serious issues and defects. What a gift that you are exiting before having children with this man. Not easy to end any relationship, heck change of any kind is not easy, but ending this relationship means freedom for you, freedom for you to put all your energy into healing yourself, into figuring your own self out, into changing the only person you can ever change: you!

You deserve so much better, and the fact that you made this brave break means that on some level you really do know that. Love yourself, honor yourself first and foremost and things will get better!!
(((hugs)))
Peace,
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Old 05-24-2018, 08:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi SagC, i'm sorry you are feeling down. It will take some time to get over this relationship but you are strong and can do it.

Sounds like you are kind of glossing over some of the facts of your relationship? That's not helpful to you and in fact hurts you. That's why it's a good idea to make a list of all the hurtful things he said and did so you can refer to it.

Quote:
A delusional part of myself thought that this person would be my husband and the father of my future children. I know that I can not ever speak to him again because of what he has done to me.
You are absolutely spot on here.

Quote:
I try to remember how he made fun of me for being raped years ago. I try to remember how he would threaten me. Was this him or the alcohol doing these things?
That is him. He is a alcoholic and that is him. He is not two people. Did the alcohol loosen his tongue so he might say any crappy thing that popped in to his head? Perhaps. The stuff was in his head though, he said them, may have said them just to be cruel, he sounds cruel.

So if you read these quotes, that you posted in your other thread:

Quote:
Other times when he would drink he would become frighteningly mean. Gone was the sweet and almost timid guy I loved so much and in front of me became a horrible person that called me horrible things
Quote:
He would become paranoid and jealous and pressure me to have sex with him if I did not want to.
Quote:
I wanted to go to bed because of how late it was (1:30am) and my SO got extremely upset. He did his all too now familiar routine of whispering obscenities to me all night, Ex.) "You are such a tease, you are such a prude, I liked you better when you were blonde and a ****."
Quote:
The next morning I noticed he was still wasted and I was exasperated. I tried to get him out of the house but he restrained me and I became very upset.
Quote:
As the day went on I realized that he had taken things from my room and that he had drank my entire bottle of vodka. I was shocked. I drove to his house to get my things back and realized I fell into his trap. Once there he trapped me and caused a scene. Long story short: grabbed the steering wheel, told me if i left him he would kill himself, restrained me multiple times. In the past he had left bruises on me from how hard he would grab me when he was intoxicated.
Quote:
His sister told me this has been going on for a decade.
Quote:
He had also been arrested for being drunk other times also.
Quote:
I had to block him on everything because I was so scared of him.
Then ask yourself, is this the person you want for your partner for the rest of your life and is this the person you want to have for a Father to your children? What's your answer?
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Old 05-24-2018, 08:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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So so sorry Sagcitrine. This must be beyond painful. I'm glad to hear you are on a mini vacation at a friends.

In the next few months, take extra good care of yourself and circle the wagons in your life. Those months after leaving my XABF were months of hard core grieving. I read the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love over and over again. It is a short easy read so if you are a reader you might give it a try.

Also the path of grief tends to be up and down with a wide range of emotions. Ride all the feeling right on through. Yeah it can really suck.

Peace and healing to you beautiful one.
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Old 05-24-2018, 08:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Grieve the marriage you thought you had. Letting go of the delusion or the idea of what the marriage looked like in our head is not easy. We wanted it for so long that we accepted so much unacceptable behavior. Now you see some things so clearly that you will never be able to unsee them. I had got to the point where I refused to share any intimate details about my life with my xah because I knew I would either be mocked or it would be used against me at some point. I am a year out of my marriage and I never heard from him but i thank my god in a way. Not only did my god give me the chance to see things clearly but he also made the no contact easy for me. It saved me from going back over and over again to my abuser. It gave me a chance to step back and see the complete picture of my marriage and what it looked like. Unhealthy and abusive. It was not what I had envisioned for myself the day I had married this man. Giving myself a chance to grieve really helped. I still sometimes question the reality and wonder if I am the crazy one and if I made the right decision or not but the more I am growing and loving myself and saying no to unacceptable behavior , the more I know that I deserve waayyyyyy better.

Hugs. Take care of yourself
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Old 05-25-2018, 11:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hi SagC, i'm sorry you are feeling down. It will take some time to get over this relationship but you are strong and can do it.

Sounds like you are kind of glossing over some of the facts of your relationship? That's not helpful to you and in fact hurts you. That's why it's a good idea to make a list of all the hurtful things he said and did so you can refer to it.



You are absolutely spot on here.



That is him. He is a alcoholic and that is him. He is not two people. Did the alcohol loosen his tongue so he might say any crappy thing that popped in to his head? Perhaps. The stuff was in his head though, he said them, may have said them just to be cruel, he sounds cruel.

So if you read these quotes, that you posted in your other thread:















Then ask yourself, is this the person you want for your partner for the rest of your life and is this the person you want to have for a Father to your children? What's your answer?
No this is not the kind of partner I wish to have and I would be horrified if he was the father of my children because he has such a bad side.

I have to be honest that I called him last night and spoke to him for the first time since we ended things last weekend.

I know that was not smart but I let my emotions control me and I was over tired from being in the car for 4 hours.

He was depressed sounding and a part of me ached for him but I told him we could never be together. He told me he is probably going to move back with his parents most likely which is a couple states away from me. I told him that might be a good idea. I told him if he ever decided he wants to be sober because he wants that for himself then I will take him to a meeting (he does not have a car of course) before he moves away. I doubt he ever will... he has never been to a meeting and he is 31 y/o. I know, I know that saying that was wrong but I am a giver and I would not ever be romantically involved with him again.
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Old 05-26-2018, 03:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Starting over is not the worst thing in the world...it's a clean slate, a whole new chance, and how bad could that be?

I do know how you feel, though. I let my fears keep me with XAH for years and years. I knew for a long, long time that something was "off", but I didn't want to dig too deep as who knew what I might find? When I finally found out that he'd been secretly drinking and messing w/our finances from almost day 1, I still let my fears keep me there. After all, I didn't want to be almost 50 years old and "starting over"!

Would you like to know how well that worked for me? It allowed me to be 55 years old and starting over! Yep, all I accomplished was to delay the inevitable...

Maybe you'll find something in this thread to help you out:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tart-over.html ("But I'm Too Old to Start Over...")

And regarding why you would grieve the loss of someone who treats you so horribly:

https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf

https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf

And last of all, I'd like to echo the posts saying that he is NOT 2 separate people--it's not like the alcohol turns him into a werewolf when normally he's a sweet, caring, responsible guy. This IS who he is. A saying I've heard in several places is this: What do you get when you sober up a drunken horse thief? A sober horse thief. Alcoholics are STILL responsible for what they say and do, drunk or sober. No free pass b/c "I was drunk", "I was blacked out", "I don't remember."
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Old 05-26-2018, 03:07 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Sag,

Prayers.

I would run away as fast as I could.

The physical and mental abuse are terrifying.

I was a drunk, but I never touched my wife except to stop here from beating on me one time when i was heavily intoxicated. I provoked her from what i can Recall.

In the end, she started avoiding me when I started drinking. Thank God I quit.

Thanks.
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When I crave I think of the next day after effects:

high blood pressure, sleep issues, strength loss, immune system comprimise (sick).

BpSSS. My mantra.

Studied "alcohol kindling" and "alcohol PAWS."

Last intoxication: 8 May 15.
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