"But I'm Too Old to Start Over..."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
"But I'm Too Old to Start Over..."
One of the things I see w/some regularity here is folks who feel they are "too old" to make the changes they need to make in their life in order to be happy. I understand that, b/c I have had one foot in that camp from time to time myself. As I've posted in other places, part of the reason I wasn't more proactive when I first learned about XAH's drinking was that I didn't want to start over at 50 (I was 49 at the time). What this ended up accomplishing was for me to start over at 55 instead!
A little quick internet research this AM about average life expectancy in the countries I see represented most often here at SR revealed the following:
Australia: Women 85 years, men 81.
Canada: Women 84 years, men 80.
UK: Women 83 years, men 79.
USA: Women 81 years, men 77.
So it's reasonable for me to imagine that I have 20+ years left, and actually, I am planning for much more, as my family tends to long life and decent health. Those years are NOT something I am willing to throw away!
I will be 58 this summer. Yesterday I was somewhat surprised to have a younger woman hold the door at the library for me, until I realized yes, I have a fair amount of gray hair, and I was limping, too.
BUT:
I can (and do) drive a stick shift car--most kids don't even know what one is.
I can make dinner from actual whole ingredients, many of which I already have on hand in my fridge or cupboards.
I can find my way around town w/o a GPS.
I know MANY people on my delivery route, at the library, at the grocery store, and so on, b/c I am not lost in my phone all the time.
The list goes on...yes, there are plenty of things where I appreciate the help or input of someone younger, but I am learning to appreciate the perspective and skills that I have, "being of a certain age."
My point, for all of you who are north of 30, or 40, or 50, or wherever "old" starts for you, is that you still have a lot to learn and experience, and you have a lot to offer and enjoy. Don't let misconceptions about age keep you trapped!
A little quick internet research this AM about average life expectancy in the countries I see represented most often here at SR revealed the following:
Australia: Women 85 years, men 81.
Canada: Women 84 years, men 80.
UK: Women 83 years, men 79.
USA: Women 81 years, men 77.
So it's reasonable for me to imagine that I have 20+ years left, and actually, I am planning for much more, as my family tends to long life and decent health. Those years are NOT something I am willing to throw away!
I will be 58 this summer. Yesterday I was somewhat surprised to have a younger woman hold the door at the library for me, until I realized yes, I have a fair amount of gray hair, and I was limping, too.
BUT:
I can (and do) drive a stick shift car--most kids don't even know what one is.
I can make dinner from actual whole ingredients, many of which I already have on hand in my fridge or cupboards.
I can find my way around town w/o a GPS.
I know MANY people on my delivery route, at the library, at the grocery store, and so on, b/c I am not lost in my phone all the time.
The list goes on...yes, there are plenty of things where I appreciate the help or input of someone younger, but I am learning to appreciate the perspective and skills that I have, "being of a certain age."
My point, for all of you who are north of 30, or 40, or 50, or wherever "old" starts for you, is that you still have a lot to learn and experience, and you have a lot to offer and enjoy. Don't let misconceptions about age keep you trapped!
Hopefor2018
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 47
I'm 55 and was thinking I was too old to start. But I know that's just an excuse as I, like you point out, I could live another 30 years. (My mom is 90 and all her siblings lived to a similar age.)
I'm happier with my life now than I've been in many years due to changes I've made this past year... quit a job that was making me miserable and starting my own animal care business; started dating someone who cares deeply for me.
If I can beat my alcohol problem, I will be in a really good place, spiritually, emotionally and physically.
Thanks for your post. You reminded me we're never too old until we're in the grave.
I'm happier with my life now than I've been in many years due to changes I've made this past year... quit a job that was making me miserable and starting my own animal care business; started dating someone who cares deeply for me.
If I can beat my alcohol problem, I will be in a really good place, spiritually, emotionally and physically.
Thanks for your post. You reminded me we're never too old until we're in the grave.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
A good post! Thank you.
I am actually young inside and am fairly physically fit, but my AH is "old" Living with him had become very isolating until a bulb went off in my head, and I began to find myself again. Although I am fearful, I look forward to a new life someday.
I am actually young inside and am fairly physically fit, but my AH is "old" Living with him had become very isolating until a bulb went off in my head, and I began to find myself again. Although I am fearful, I look forward to a new life someday.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Thanks, HP.
True words.
Often I read posts here and see so much fear: fear of being alone, fear that the kids will be mad, fear that there won’t be enough money, fear of retaliation from the partner being left.
Everyone deserves to live without fear.
Everyone.
Never on this board have I heard the words, “Gee, I really wish I hadn’t left my alcohol addicted partner/spouse/SO. That was a dumb move.”
Most often, I have read, “The difference in my life is amazing. I wish I had done it sooner.”
If anyone is struggling with that fear of leaving (you know who you are) I say, gently and with love, push past that fear.
Dare to envision a life for yourself that is yours alone.
Will it be hard? Yes.
Will it be messy? Oh, yeah.
Will it be worth the pain ? Most definitely.
Many years ago, I left my then husband. I had a child.
Alcohol wasn’t involved.
He was a decent person, good husband, good father.
Most people didn’t get why I left.
But I didn’t love him, had never loved him, and was tired of pretending that I did.
I had very tough times after we split, but I have never regretted that move.
It was the best thing I ever did, and I would do it again.
Peace and good thoughts.
True words.
Often I read posts here and see so much fear: fear of being alone, fear that the kids will be mad, fear that there won’t be enough money, fear of retaliation from the partner being left.
Everyone deserves to live without fear.
Everyone.
Never on this board have I heard the words, “Gee, I really wish I hadn’t left my alcohol addicted partner/spouse/SO. That was a dumb move.”
Most often, I have read, “The difference in my life is amazing. I wish I had done it sooner.”
If anyone is struggling with that fear of leaving (you know who you are) I say, gently and with love, push past that fear.
Dare to envision a life for yourself that is yours alone.
Will it be hard? Yes.
Will it be messy? Oh, yeah.
Will it be worth the pain ? Most definitely.
Many years ago, I left my then husband. I had a child.
Alcohol wasn’t involved.
He was a decent person, good husband, good father.
Most people didn’t get why I left.
But I didn’t love him, had never loved him, and was tired of pretending that I did.
I had very tough times after we split, but I have never regretted that move.
It was the best thing I ever did, and I would do it again.
Peace and good thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Never on this board have I heard the words, “Gee, I really wish I hadn’t left my alcohol addicted partner/spouse/SO. That was a dumb move.”
Most often, I have read, “The difference in my life is amazing. I wish I had done it sooner.”
Most often, I have read, “The difference in my life is amazing. I wish I had done it sooner.”
Hopefor2018, I wish you all the strength, clarity and inspiration you need to get where you want to go.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Thanks for this post. I am another older starting over. I was 53 when I started divorce proceedings and am 57 now and it is NEVER too late to start caring for yourself and putting your life and those of any kids you have first for once. OK normal, decent men my age are thin on the ground ( there are plenty of fruit bats around and weirdos so be careful ladies and gents) and I don't have a lot of money but I have freedom and you cannot beat freedom, and peace and knowing if you are overdrawn you did it not exah.
Getting into it with someone else is no longer on my agenda. I admit it was for a while in the beginning. I felt lonely but I learnt that I had to be self sufficient and be enough for me and I no longer care if I meet anyone or not. Am not lonely. Yeah it's hard when you are in charge and you have flu and there is no one to do anything but it was like that with exah too lol and at least my sons will help. I've done more since I split with ex in the past 4 years then I did in 20 with him. I've travelled Europe several times, I moved to a place exah would never live. I have cats. I learnt a new career. My boys are happy and have a life here...something they were ashamed to do before cos they could never bring friends back when exah was active. My son gave me a Mother's day ( UK) card yesterday in which he wrote. Thank you for being an awesome mother and looking after us. We love you and you raised us well xx It made me cry.
So no , never too late to be happy...
Getting into it with someone else is no longer on my agenda. I admit it was for a while in the beginning. I felt lonely but I learnt that I had to be self sufficient and be enough for me and I no longer care if I meet anyone or not. Am not lonely. Yeah it's hard when you are in charge and you have flu and there is no one to do anything but it was like that with exah too lol and at least my sons will help. I've done more since I split with ex in the past 4 years then I did in 20 with him. I've travelled Europe several times, I moved to a place exah would never live. I have cats. I learnt a new career. My boys are happy and have a life here...something they were ashamed to do before cos they could never bring friends back when exah was active. My son gave me a Mother's day ( UK) card yesterday in which he wrote. Thank you for being an awesome mother and looking after us. We love you and you raised us well xx It made me cry.
So no , never too late to be happy...
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I love this honeypig, thank you for taking the time to post about this topic.
In early recovery I started asking myself "If not now, when?". That led to me a lot of AHA moments & helped propel a lot of independent action on my path. Each step I took made it easier to take the next, the more I opened myself up the less I hesitated & my confidence in myself soared.
I also made it a habit to remind myself that time was passing anyway, and if I only ever have control over ME & MY actions - well, how did I want to evolve? As a victim of circumstance or by trying & sometimes failing..... but maybe sometimes scoring big? Where did I want to BE when that time passed, at the end of 3 months, 6 months, a year? WHO did I want to become? That was still up to me- no one else.
In early recovery I started asking myself "If not now, when?". That led to me a lot of AHA moments & helped propel a lot of independent action on my path. Each step I took made it easier to take the next, the more I opened myself up the less I hesitated & my confidence in myself soared.
I also made it a habit to remind myself that time was passing anyway, and if I only ever have control over ME & MY actions - well, how did I want to evolve? As a victim of circumstance or by trying & sometimes failing..... but maybe sometimes scoring big? Where did I want to BE when that time passed, at the end of 3 months, 6 months, a year? WHO did I want to become? That was still up to me- no one else.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I made a strong, bold movement back
in 2006 when i accept a job back here
in Baton Rouge, my hometown. It was
my golden ticket, gift from Above , that
allowed me to exit peacefully out of my
25 yr marriage with a number of yrs sober.
I was then blessed with another Gift
from Above, a new marriage for the
passed 9 yrs.
I too wondered back when if i would
ever be truly happy again, then with
much prayer and living my recovery
program it happened when i was in
my late 40's knocking on 50.
Here i am knocking on 60 and my
heart, mind and soul still feels young.
Health wise, i think i inherited good
genes and feel very blessed.
I too echo many who believe it's
never too late to start a new life
as long as one keeps an open mind,
willingness and honesty.
in 2006 when i accept a job back here
in Baton Rouge, my hometown. It was
my golden ticket, gift from Above , that
allowed me to exit peacefully out of my
25 yr marriage with a number of yrs sober.
I was then blessed with another Gift
from Above, a new marriage for the
passed 9 yrs.
I too wondered back when if i would
ever be truly happy again, then with
much prayer and living my recovery
program it happened when i was in
my late 40's knocking on 50.
Here i am knocking on 60 and my
heart, mind and soul still feels young.
Health wise, i think i inherited good
genes and feel very blessed.
I too echo many who believe it's
never too late to start a new life
as long as one keeps an open mind,
willingness and honesty.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
Getting into it with someone else is no longer on my agenda.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Just wanted to echo FireSprite's very good point about how the time will pass anyway!
And I'm going to add this perennial favorite, something that strikes a chord in me every time I look at it:
And I'm going to add this perennial favorite, something that strikes a chord in me every time I look at it:
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
If I may toss in my .02
I also suffer from the ocassional "too old" blues, and from a quick browse thru this thread I'm the oldest posting so far
My Mom married her third husband when she was 85. She made it to 90 before he passed. At that point she anounced she wasn't getting married again, she had discovered single-hood and she liked it. She laid down the law, she would not date a man under 100, they were just too naive and inexperienced.
OMG !!!! TMI mom !!!!! TMI !!!!!
So I would travel 800 miles by plane and bus to this tiny burg out in the middle of America's heartland. She was in a lovely retirement home that catered to the "active elderly" like her. I'd knock on the door, she'd pop it open "Oh son, how good of you to come, keep Homer entertained".
Homer was one of her boyfriends. Over 100, pulling along his oxygen tank down the hallway to Mom's apartment. Mom had a bench seat put out there so Homer could catch his breath when he came to visit, and I would sit with him and hear all about World War II.
Homer was very much blind, and deaf, and he would never hear Oscar getting shoved out the back door of Mom's apartment. Then Mom would come fetch Homer, give me a kiss on the cheek and tell me to come back after dinner and we'd have some coffee and desert. ( Mom made the best coffee and cheesecake in the world )
800 miles. <heavy sigh>
Yeah. I'm too old.
Mike
I also suffer from the ocassional "too old" blues, and from a quick browse thru this thread I'm the oldest posting so far
My Mom married her third husband when she was 85. She made it to 90 before he passed. At that point she anounced she wasn't getting married again, she had discovered single-hood and she liked it. She laid down the law, she would not date a man under 100, they were just too naive and inexperienced.
OMG !!!! TMI mom !!!!! TMI !!!!!
So I would travel 800 miles by plane and bus to this tiny burg out in the middle of America's heartland. She was in a lovely retirement home that catered to the "active elderly" like her. I'd knock on the door, she'd pop it open "Oh son, how good of you to come, keep Homer entertained".
Homer was one of her boyfriends. Over 100, pulling along his oxygen tank down the hallway to Mom's apartment. Mom had a bench seat put out there so Homer could catch his breath when he came to visit, and I would sit with him and hear all about World War II.
Homer was very much blind, and deaf, and he would never hear Oscar getting shoved out the back door of Mom's apartment. Then Mom would come fetch Homer, give me a kiss on the cheek and tell me to come back after dinner and we'd have some coffee and desert. ( Mom made the best coffee and cheesecake in the world )
800 miles. <heavy sigh>
Yeah. I'm too old.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Thanks for your story, Mike.
My first thought: “Omigosh. It never ends,!”
My second thought: “Good for you, mama. Keep on truckin’!”
That phrase right there will give you a clue as to how old I am.
Peace.
My first thought: “Omigosh. It never ends,!”
My second thought: “Good for you, mama. Keep on truckin’!”
That phrase right there will give you a clue as to how old I am.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
My mom had a terminal disease and had to be in a nursing home for the last two years of her life. Her mind was fine, but her lungs were not.
We visited her a lot (me, my siblings, family and friends). The dining room at the nursing home reminded me of a middle school lunchroom.
haha
Petty, stupid talk, gossiping, etc. lol The residents could be brutal to each other.
Just because someone grows older in age, does NOT mean they mature.
We visited her a lot (me, my siblings, family and friends). The dining room at the nursing home reminded me of a middle school lunchroom.
hahaPetty, stupid talk, gossiping, etc. lol The residents could be brutal to each other.
Just because someone grows older in age, does NOT mean they mature.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I'm in the over 50 category age range. Thinking about retirement plans not still covering a mortgage. I recently bought a five year journal and tracking my goals. How my life will be in five years. I know we have to take one day at a time but I don't want to stop having dreams. Actually now that I have been forced to be with my husband more without children, they're at school, we've been learning how to communicate to each other. Something we never could do with working or drinking all the time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Oh Yeah!
I love this thread!
I was married to an alcoholic, emotionally abusive control freak for 28 years. He kept track of every place I went. Every person I talked to. He made me change my college major from engineering to education. He made me give up my church. No girlfriends. He hated my family. For 28 years I lived in his cage. Why didn’t I leave? He was just like my father, and I thought all men were like that.
Fast forward to age 48. Somehow I found the courage to leave him. It was not easy. We have two children and he did everything he could to turn them against me.
Counseling, Al Anon, reading, and time helps with the healing. I have been dating for 10 years and have made many mistakes in that department. 😞
But— I am free from my husband. I own my own home. I have a job I love. My children have come back to me. I have girlfriends. I travel a lot. I spend my time, energy, and money the way I WANT TO, and it still feels amazing. See the boat pic here? I live and work on that ship for a few weeks every summer. I climb to the top of that mast to fuel the sails—yep, at 57! I am a deckhand now and I love it!!!
I have never once regretted leaving him. I wish I’d figured out sooner that I only get one life and I am in control of the choices I make.
Love and hugs from Sailor ❤️
I was married to an alcoholic, emotionally abusive control freak for 28 years. He kept track of every place I went. Every person I talked to. He made me change my college major from engineering to education. He made me give up my church. No girlfriends. He hated my family. For 28 years I lived in his cage. Why didn’t I leave? He was just like my father, and I thought all men were like that.
Fast forward to age 48. Somehow I found the courage to leave him. It was not easy. We have two children and he did everything he could to turn them against me.
Counseling, Al Anon, reading, and time helps with the healing. I have been dating for 10 years and have made many mistakes in that department. 😞
But— I am free from my husband. I own my own home. I have a job I love. My children have come back to me. I have girlfriends. I travel a lot. I spend my time, energy, and money the way I WANT TO, and it still feels amazing. See the boat pic here? I live and work on that ship for a few weeks every summer. I climb to the top of that mast to fuel the sails—yep, at 57! I am a deckhand now and I love it!!!
I have never once regretted leaving him. I wish I’d figured out sooner that I only get one life and I am in control of the choices I make.
Love and hugs from Sailor ❤️
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Sailorgirl57
I live and work on that ship for a few weeks every summer. I climb to the top of that mast to fuel the sails—yep, at 57! I am a deckhand now and I love it!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I also turn 58 this summer. I felt 68, 5 years ago in the middle of the death spiral of XAGF. Now I feel 40. Well most days anyway. Some days my body reminds me to check my birth certificate and not kid myself. I met and am still seeing a woman. We met by sheer chance at a restaurant, struck up a conversation and have been together ever since. She thought I was 45ish. It never came up and I at some point began to worry that we had an age spread that would cause issues. I at some point said, OK we need to discuss this. I didn't know how old she was, nor she I, but you sort of calibrate your thinking as you continue discussions. I began to realize I was older, but wasn't sure how much so. Turns out I am 15 years her senior. I initially worried about it, but it really doesn't matter if two people mesh well. She is older than her years, and I'm younger than mine. She is a physician. When she discovered my age, she said, well you are a great example of what to keep doing. I shared with her that I had been in a relationship with an alcoholic and it aged me 20 years.
She let me know how common drinking was in her patients and how yes they create a bad outcome for themselves and those around them. And completely understood how addictions can affect those that aren't.
I am catching up on some lost time now. Nice to find someone that is similar in interest etc. She has a travel bug and I hope to help her scratch it. So far I have taken her to 4 places she had not been. Gonna try and do 4 more this year.
Yeah there is still a lot of life to live at this age.
LIVE IT!!!!
She let me know how common drinking was in her patients and how yes they create a bad outcome for themselves and those around them. And completely understood how addictions can affect those that aren't.
I am catching up on some lost time now. Nice to find someone that is similar in interest etc. She has a travel bug and I hope to help her scratch it. So far I have taken her to 4 places she had not been. Gonna try and do 4 more this year.
Yeah there is still a lot of life to live at this age.
LIVE IT!!!!
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