I try to remember just how hard he would grab me. I try to remember how he made fun of me for being raped years ago. I try to remember how he would threaten me.
There is no love in any of this behavior whether there is alcohol on board or not. It sounds like he has some very serious issues and defects. What a gift that you are exiting before having children with this man. Not easy to end any relationship, heck change of any kind is not easy, but ending this relationship means freedom for you, freedom for you to put all your energy into healing yourself, into figuring your own self out, into changing the only person you can ever change: you!
You deserve so much better, and the fact that you made this brave break means that on some level you really do know that. Love yourself, honor yourself first and foremost and things will get better!!
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B