Grieve the marriage you thought you had. Letting go of the delusion or the idea of what the marriage looked like in our head is not easy. We wanted it for so long that we accepted so much unacceptable behavior. Now you see some things so clearly that you will never be able to unsee them. I had got to the point where I refused to share any intimate details about my life with my xah because I knew I would either be mocked or it would be used against me at some point. I am a year out of my marriage and I never heard from him but i thank my god in a way. Not only did my god give me the chance to see things clearly but he also made the no contact easy for me. It saved me from going back over and over again to my abuser. It gave me a chance to step back and see the complete picture of my marriage and what it looked like. Unhealthy and abusive. It was not what I had envisioned for myself the day I had married this man. Giving myself a chance to grieve really helped. I still sometimes question the reality and wonder if I am the crazy one and if I made the right decision or not but the more I am growing and loving myself and saying no to unacceptable behavior , the more I know that I deserve waayyyyyy better.
Hugs. Take care of yourself