Freedom1990

As a long term recovering alcoholic/addict, I can tell you his chances of another DUI are high. I am also the mother of an alcoholic (youngest daughter) and an addict (oldest daughter). Youngest daughter is on DUI number 2, and I suspect that won't be the last.

Did he ever love you? In his own alcoholic way. I remember when I left my abusive addict/alcoholic husband, I wished with all my might that some day he would realize what he lost, but the light bulb never came on. The sad fact is he died at the tender age of 47, due to complications from AIDS he contracted while using drugs IV.

I think you are utilizing some excellent resources right now, including your therapist and support groups. Do you like to read at all? One book that really opened my eyes is Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

I understand his helping you in some ways right now (I am disabled and have done the same thing), your financial concerns and obligations, and certainly the feelings of being okay some days, and the others days that are so much darker. Be gentle on yourself! Being diagnosed with a lifetime medical condition is a huge thing, plus add in being attached to some degree to an active alcoholic!

Keep doing what you are doing for yourself, and keep posting, dear. Hugs!

blueeyes84

Funny you ask, I just purchased Women Who Love too Much, and I hope it will help me.

Today he hurt my feelings, we got into a fight because his sister and her boyfriend stopped by and they wanted us to go to dinner together, so we went, On the way home, I was upset and complaining, and I said I don't want to keep hanging out with other couples, its depressing and it doesn't make me happy. He explained he wanted to be around his sister, etc.

Somehow it turned into an argument, and he said" I think it kills you that I am happy right now Rachel, I think you want me to be miserable and sad and Im not. I am happy and that drives you nuts because you're not in control."

He was right, and now I am heartbroken. HOW IS IT THAT HE CAN BE SO HAPPY AFTER ENDING A 2.5 YEAR RELATIONSHIP? It literally breaks my heart because I treated him like a King. He also said, I think you think Im going to eventually want you back and I am not and I think you think I am going to hit rock bottom and need you but I won't. Why is he being so hurtful?

SmallButMighty

A better question may be to ask yourself why you keep putting yourself in the position that makes it possible for him to hurt your feelings.

If you don't want to hang out with other couples you don't have to. He can take a taxi or an uber. They can pick him up. He can ride a damn bike or stick his thumb out. There are different solutions...

I know it's hard.

Hugs.

PhoenixJ

I think you are the opposite of weak. I agree boundaries are important. You are in a situation that is not a happy one....it is a well and good for armchair experts (like me) to say 'do this, do that!'. I would suggest you try to see a counselor...or perhaps al-anon, which offers support to people who hae people in their lives that have issues with alcohol.

blueeyes84

I guess what I am asking is, is it normal for an addict to say those things when they are in a "content" place?

Is it normal for them to say I am happy and you think I need you, but i don't! I feel like he's trying to convince me that he is extremely happy without me, maybe he is. Either way, why say it?

Once again, not to get mean, but for people that say don't give him rides, etc. please read the entire thread. If I don't do this- I am only screwing myself over inevitably.

PhoenixJ

Once again, speaking AS the alcoholic (that destroyed my family in the end due to aVERY horrible rock bottom- where I nearly burnt to death and my family cut me loose, understandably) I know my behaviour when actively drinking did not follow rules of logic or morality. The addiction had no rules. Everything revolved around getting booze, drinking it-rinse,repeat. I feathered my own nest- so I had a safe place to drink...until even that did not matter to me at the end. I cannot read your mind or that of anyone else...I urge you to stay safe- not to fall into a co-dependent or an enabling role...as these will have the potential to destroy you both. It is not about fault or blaming or strong and weak with addiction....it just is.
I still suggest you go to al-anon or a support group for YOU.
And support to you.

SmallButMighty

blueeyes84, sweetie,I have read your entire thread. I do understand why you feel you need to give him rides, I especially understand you driving him to work for financial reasons.

Maybe I misread or didn't comprehend a part where you explained that taking him on social outtings somehow forced you into attending the same social situation? I did read the part where you voiced to him you didn't want to do that and he disrespected your feelings and turned it into a fight. I can understand where you wouldn't want to have to go back and forth to drop him off and pick him up etc. I raised two kids, I know being the underappreciated chauffeur can be an expensive, time consuming, pain in the butt. I did not include myself in every event or activity I was driving my kids to, often I dropped them off and did something else until it was time to pick them up. Just a suggestion.

He said he doesn't need you. But he "needs" you to drive him around. You have agreed to do this so he can get to work , thus pay his bills.... and so that he will help look after his own dog. I understand that you feel this is the best option.

I can clearly see that this man is manipulating you and breaking your heart over and over, I hate to see that. I am so sorry you are going through this. I've been there. I was married to it for 22 years. I had kids, I didn't think I had options. I was wrong. I had options, I just didn't like them. Eventually I learned that there were options with in the options... the beginning of me learning about boundaries.

I would never tell anyone else what to do. When they ask for advice, I will ask them to examine why they do the things they do or allow the things they allow. It took me a long time to look inwards, in MY situation I was my own worst enemy, I kept allowing my AXH to treat me poorly so he kept at it. It didn't stop until I stopped it, he was never going to change...he still hasn't, but I have.

I truly am sorry you are going through this heartache right now, I know how suffocating, frustrating and confusing it is.

Wishing you strength, clarity and courage through these next few months.

Edit to add: You asked if its "normal" for alcoholics to say mean things. Yes. Also "normal" for them to play the push you away and pull you back in game like a yo-yo. While it is very TYPICAL it is FAR from normal.

atalose

In reading your post about your feelings getting hurt I see self-sabotage going on there. His sister and her bf stopped by and wanted to go to dinner……..you didn’t have to go no one twisted your arm into that. After all his sister was there and could have easy driven just him and brought him home.

Then after the fact you state that you don’t want to keep hanging out with other couples, makes you feel depressed and unhappy. His response back to you is something you said you agreed with, it’s not sitting right with you that he is happy while you are not. You hurt so you want him to as well.

He was then very honest, brutally honest about never getting back together. I think this is what bothers you the most, his words make this all real and not just a passing phase that the two of you will work through.

What you perceive is mean is his truth and one you should believe.

tomsteve

Why is he being so hurtful?
welp, just my opinion here but this is what i read:
he said:
I think it kills you that I am happy right now Rachel, I think you want me to be miserable and sad and Im not. I am happy and that drives you nuts because you're not in control."
and you typed:
He was right,
which there could be truth to this,too:
He also said, I think you think Im going to eventually want you back and I am not and I think you think I am going to hit rock bottom and need you but I won't.

it could hurt because its all the truth- its not him being hurtful- its the truth that is hurting. he could keep stringing you along and lieing to you, but he gave his opinion from his view and you seem to have agreed.

I said I don't want to keep hanging out with other couples, its depressing and it doesn't make me happy. He explained he wanted to be around his sister, etc.

then dont go. he is allowed to be around his siter whether you like it or not.

i read a major cause for a lot of this:
My biggest fear, I hate admitting it- is that once I am on my own I will never find love again. I am 33 years old, and all I ever wanted in life was someone to love and accept me

who you need in your life to love you is youself. who you need to accept you is yourself.

its possible to do,too.

blueeyes84

Well the truth sucks and it is hurtful. Let me ask you all then, if you had a chronic illness and needed help to get around and with your dog, what would you really do? Kick him out and try to take care of yourself when you fall down the stairs??

I am not sure if some of you know the severity of MS. I am also starting new medication that makes me vomit daily. How am I supposed to live and take care of myself?

So essentially, most of you are saying to kick him out because he is manipulating me and using me....can't you see that I am using him too??? I thought I would get support from here and I just feel like I'm not. Everything is ******.

SmallButMighty

blue, I have sent you a private message.

hopeful4

Blue, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I have a family friend who has MS, it is a difficult disease, although it is slow and if you work to build your muscles it will slow it down.

I would not expect for this unreliable person to stick around and be your care taker. I would be doing everything I can to find out how I could get help in a legitimate way in my future.

Everyone telling you to tell him to leave is simply saying so because he is hurting you.

I am here, reading this and supporting you.

tomsteve

have you looked into local services that offer the help you need?

https://www.nationalmssociety.org/Resources-Support

atalose

I am sorry if you feel you are not getting the kind of support you wanted. I think most people’s natural reaction to hearing “the house is on fire” would be to suggest that you get out. Your post title says begging for help, you stated his drinking bothered you and you laid down some boundaries. He didn’t like those boundaries and he made the choice to end the relationship. You are hurting from this because that is not the outcome you wanted. You wanted him to pick you over the booze and he did not.

Yes you have circumstances that make cutting all ties impossible right now. But you also have an emotional attachment that will keep you tied to the hurt, pain, sorrow, anger, resentment while you remain living under the same roof.

You can’t mourn the loss of this relationship while you are still dancing with the corps.

Your mourning is being postponed until the lease ends and I am sure you are hoping to work things out by then and what most of us are telling you is to not count on that and to begin taking care of yourself now today without counting on him for anything. It’s very hard to be so dependent on someone who’s looking to walk out the door. Emotionally detaching from him and from the relationship is the only way to survive the current living conditions and you are struggling with doing that. Instead your dependency on him grows.

By learning to Independently take care of yourself and your dog. By learning to seek help from someone/someplace other than your exbf. By not letting what he is or isn’t doing control your thoughts and your emotions, attitude and your behaviors.

It’s very natural when someone wants out of a relationship for the person who wants to stay in it to use any and all means available to grasp on, hold tight and not let go of the relationship. Problem with that is the person who wants out feels that control like a noose around their neck and will react by using any and all means available to escape it.

trailmix

To answer your question, yes.

Do I see that you are also using him? Absolutely. Does that make it right? No. Not for any moral high-ground even - just because it is hurting you, that's all.

I can hear your frustration with the answers you are being given and I get that, however as someone mentioned, YOU are being hurt. How can anyone in good conscience say sure blueeyes84, stick it out with this really cruel, mean, alcoholic, it's all you've got at the moment even though it's hurting you so much.

The most important issue right now is you!

You will feel better when you reach out for services that can help you. You will have a firmer footing and not feel so helpless. What he does or doesn't do is irrelevant to that. Whether you let him stay until August is irrelevant to that.

You taking care of you and whatever he is doing or not doing are two separate things.