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How do I become "normal" again

Old 04-23-2017, 05:06 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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sounds like somebody found their anger! just use if for good - like that tush you could bounce a quarter off of!!!!
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Old 04-23-2017, 05:08 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Just goes to show you can't control another human being. You left with the intention not of breaking up, but of getting him to wake up. He took you up on it.

I wouldn't wait around for him to have the realizations you want him to have--the regrets, the sorrows, the epiphany that he let wonderful you get away. That seldom happens except in the movies.

But that bodacious butt of yours will bring you more satisfaction, in the long run, than this relationship would have (which only involves the, um, aperture...).
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Old 04-23-2017, 05:26 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I did the same loveandmagic.

I kicked my fiancÚ out expecting the dramatic movie cut scene of her hitting rock bottom and seeing the light. Complete with Morgan Freeman voice over.

It didn't come.

His may still happen. But my hope for you is that you are too strong and happy to be caught in the web again.

You and your bodacious butt deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and lifts you up to the next level rather than makes you feel bad and drags you down to theirs.

We all do.
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Old 04-23-2017, 05:33 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Ituvia View Post
He told me two days before leaving that he wants to marry me but still left. I also heard that he told his mates that he is finally free.
That's the most devastating and confusing part of all of it, and my heart hurts in that same way. I know my ex very much feels free also. He complained about feeling suffocated. He said "I've been doing good without the drama"

Actually, you imbecile, you feel free from accountability and my decision to no longer enable and overlook your bad decisions and hurtful behavior, and I demanded to have my needs met.

AHHHJXSHKHDRUKHF I just want to scream, cry, tear his face apart, eat ten chocolate cakes and sleep for a hundred years.
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Old 04-23-2017, 05:38 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by HeartbrokenGuy View Post
I kicked my fiancÚ out expecting the dramatic movie cut scene of her hitting rock bottom and seeing the light. Complete with Morgan Freeman voice over.

It didn't come

You and your bodacious butt deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and lifts you up to the next level rather than makes you feel bad and drags you down to theirs.

We all do.
Omg yes, Morgan freeman! With obnoxiously loud thunder, tears that are blended within the rain that pours upon them as they drown in their shame and regret.

I am truly so devastated for you. My mind has honestly been with you all day, and I don't even know who you are. I just know that my hysteria would be out of control if I was in your position, and... yup, crying again for you. Sending you so much love and support
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Old 04-23-2017, 05:44 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by loveandmagic View Post

AHHHJXSHKHDRUKHF I just want to scream, cry, tear his face apart, eat ten chocolate cakes and sleep for a hundred years.
Sometimes that's all you can do. I've done lots of crying (I know, men aren't supposed to cry but I don't want to deal with this in the typical "manly" way of not dealing and drinking my problem away)

I've eaten tons of junk food. Cookies, cake, hamburgers, hotdogs, you name it- I ate it.

And I've had lots of naps. Some for 20 minutes, some for a few hours.

I keep hearing from people that I should allow myself to grieve in my own way in my own time. And maybe you can too.

Lots of positive thoughts for you. I hope you can find some relief soon

Last edited by DesertEyes; 04-23-2017 at 06:16 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
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Old 04-23-2017, 05:51 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by loveandmagic View Post
Omg yes, Morgan freeman! With obnoxiously loud thunder, tears that are blended within the rain that pours upon them as they drown in their shame and regret.

I am truly so devastated for you. My mind has honestly been with you all day, and I don't even know who you are. I just know that my hysteria would be out of control if I was in your position, and... yup, crying again for you. Sending you so much love and support
Thanks loveandmagic.

I really appreciate the support and well wishes.

Please don't cry for me though. I have not been sharing my story to gain sympathy or to make others cry or fear.

My only goals in sharing on this forum are to aid in my recovery and to help others understand that love won't cure this disease. I loved her more than anyone including my daughters mother. And she loved me and our girls. I know that in my heart. She just had too many demons and troubles to face sobriety. That didn't make her a bad person. Just broken.
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Old 04-23-2017, 05:52 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by HeartbrokenGuy View Post
Sometimes that's all you can do. I've done lots of crying (I know, men aren't supposed to cry but I don't want to deal with this in the typical "manly" way of not dealing and drinking my problem away)

I've eaten tons of junk food. Cookies, cake, hamburgers, hotdogs, you name it- I ate it.

And I've had lots of naps. Some for 20 minutes, some for a few hours.

I keep hearing from people that I should allow myself to grieve in my own way in my own time. And maybe you can too.

Lots of positive thoughts for you. I hope you can find some relief soon

Men totally are allowed to cry. People are totally allowed to cry when they've experienced such devastating loss.

Yeah, it's about going through the grieving process and not repressing our problems... or else we become like them.

I'm thinking about going out of town to get away from everything in this city that reminds me of him and our good times. Maybe I should move to Africa and work in an orphanage and put my codependency to good use
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Old 04-23-2017, 05:58 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by loveandmagic View Post
Maybe I should move to Africa and work in an orphanage and put my codependency to good use
Ha ha. I'm pretty sure as great an idea as that sounds right now, you know it is not what you want ultimately.

I feel much like you. I'm over this grieving ***ish, but truth is I'll be done when I'm done and not a moment before. I have to be patient with myself and so do you. True relief will come for both of us in time.
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Old 04-23-2017, 06:12 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I totally get that... When my last serious relationship ended, I had the desire for that kind of misplaced satisfaction.

But the truth is, even if he came crawling back, it wouldn't be the solution you need. If he's still binge drinking, that's a dangerous, volatile situation. I say from experience that active alcoholics tend to be narcissistic and short-sighted. The relationship I ruined due to my alcoholism ended and began several times before I realized that it was never going to be the same. The dynamic was damaged because no extent of apologies could rectify what I'd done... And the worst of it was things I couldn't remember doing and probably never will.

Good for you for being productive at the gym! The best medicine
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Old 04-23-2017, 07:35 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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When my ex-fiance broke up with me just before our wedding, it just shook me to the core. I did a lot of hiking, and I also went on a three-week backpacking trip to Europe and flew there on the day of our supposed wedding. I wanted to plan something that I looked forward to. I wanted to reinvent myself. Nobody in my tour group knew what happened. Until, of course, I broke down the last night of the tour and wandered onto a beach in freezing weather and cried in the kelp and seaweed. Several group members found me there and consoled me as I sobbed out the whole story. The fact that these strangers were willing to watch out for me was one of the most healing experiences I've ever had in my lifetime, and it was the first time that I allowed hope to creep back into my heart.

PS. I also wrote in my journal every single day. It's funny, I've told this story on SR a number of times but for some odd reason I never mentioned the journaling. I dumped all my love and anger on those pages. Just the act of writing did me good, and when I did things alone by myself, I brought my notebook with me to make me feel less self-conscious.
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Old 04-23-2017, 08:13 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
When my ex-fiance broke up with me just before our wedding, it just shook me to the core. I did a lot of hiking, and I also went on a three-week backpacking trip to Europe and flew there on the day of our supposed wedding. I wanted to plan something that I looked forward to. I wanted to reinvent myself. Nobody in my tour group knew what happened. Until, of course, I broke down the last night of the tour and wandered onto a beach in freezing weather and cried in the kelp and seaweed. Several group members found me there and consoled me as I sobbed out the whole story. The fact that these strangers were willing to watch out for me was one of the most healing experiences I've ever had in my lifetime, and it was the first time that I allowed hope to creep back into my heart.

PS. I also wrote in my journal every single day. It's funny, I've told this story on SR a number of times but for some odd reason I never mentioned the journaling. I dumped all my love and anger on those pages. Just the act of writing did me good, and when I did things alone by myself, I brought my notebook with me to make me feel less self-conscious.
I actually bought a journal and my favorite pens. Every time I want to write something, I don't even know where to begin. I think this forum helps me, bc it's like a journal that talks back with comfort and support, which is pretty fantastic.

I'm invisioning crying in the kelp and seaweed... and I see myself there. Sometimes I feel hope again, but then within a few hours the pain and the denial hit again, and it's just a nightmare.

Sometimes I feel like I was too hard on him, but I know I just wanted him to be healthy and I needed my needs met too. It just blows my mind that he's content in his misery. And that he gave up the beautiful life we could have for a stupid, miserable life. Or worse, that he's going to turn his **** around and give the life and love I feel I deserve to some younger babe, make babies with her, and live happily ever after.
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Old 04-23-2017, 08:17 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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If recovering from active alcoholism was that easy and happened that often, this board probably wouldn't exist. The odds are very much against his living happily ever after with Younger Babe...more likely she will just be the next codependent and she will be just like so many of us posting here wondering where her magical whirlwind romance went so wrong and blaming herself.

You did the right thing. Problem is that the right thing and the easy thing hardly ever match up.

Time and ice cream.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 04-23-2017, 10:18 PM
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Originally Posted by loveandmagic View Post

Sometimes I feel like I was too hard on him, but I know I just wanted him to be healthy and I needed my needs met too. It just blows my mind that he's content in his misery. And that he gave up the beautiful life we could have for a stupid, miserable life. Or worse, that he's going to turn his **** around and give the life and love I feel I deserve to some younger babe, make babies with her, and live happily ever after.
I have had this thought more times than I care to count over the last couple days. Almost to the point of making myself sick.

Here is what I came up with. Maybe it will help you; maybe not.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be in a healthy relationship with a partner. Not in a codependent relationship with a Taker.

I deserve to be in a relationship where my partner takes my wants, needs, and feelings into consideration more often than they don't.

I deserve to be in a relationship where I am not high-fiving my partner because they did basic things that "normal" folks do everyday (You didn't get completely s-faced today; high five, you got out of bed and participated with the family; high five, you didn't completely lie to my face about (insert subject); high five, etc.)

The truth is this

When my fiancÚ was sober she was an amazing and kind person.

When she was drinking she was a liar and manipulater who would do and say anything it took to get or deny her next drink.

I couldn't have the sober version without the drink version.

I deserve better

And truthfully from the content I see in your posts loveandmagic so do you.

Hugs and support
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