loveandmagic

Though I'm still completely in love with my ex boyfriend, we can't be together because of his alcoholism, and I'm forced to "move on." I feel like I'm not the same person anymore. I am depressed, bitter, angry, and struggle relating to anyone who isn't miserable. The idea of dating again is horrifying. I also can't be around anyone who is drinking because it's almost as though I have ptsd from it; the smell of it on someone's breath alone shoots my anxiety through the roof. Seeing my friends playfully drunk makes me angry and scared. I don't know how to enjoy anything anymore. And the idea of my ex going out, dating, laughing, indulging in joyous sin.... it's a knife in my heart.

I feel like I've been used, gutted, and thrown to the side, and I'm laying here bleeding, and I don't know how to put my guts back inside, because he took them, and I don't know how to stop the bleeding, because the wounds are so deep. I want to be happy again, I want to be able to have a healthy, loving relationship. I'm tired of being tired. I'm so miserable with this misery. It's been 3 months and I'm trying to be "fine." But I cry every morning the second I wake up, I ugly cry in the bathroom at work, I either sleep 3 hours or 14 hours a night, depending on experiencing racing thoughts or complete emotional exhaustion. I don't know how people deal with this with children involved, which makes me feel stupid for the level in which I complain, but the hurt is sooooo much. And he's FINE. Just FINE!

I want intimacy, I want to feel someone's hand against me, I want admiration and passion... but I don't want it from anyone but him, which isn't an option. I feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by all the right people. It's just not what I want. My stubbornness is ruining me, I know.

Pizza helps.

PhoenixJ

Pizza is good. Chips and gravy (for about 2 minutes). Have you seen a doc/therapist? You sound a bit like there may be depression/anxiety there- above and beyond 'normal'. Remember to eat and hydrate. You are hurting- that takes time and effort to heal. Perhaps al-anon? Empathy and support to you, keep posting. PJ

loveandmagic

Yes I'm in therapy. I'm too scared to take antidepressants bc Ive had terrible experiences in the past with them making my depression worse or increasing my anxiety, and I have stayed away since. I workout 6 days a week, I eat extremely healthy (pizza only sometimes)... I don't know what else to do

Ariesagain

Yep. Pizza helps. So does ice cream.

First, you don't know that he's "fine"... he's in active alcoholism. There is nothing fine about that.

Second, try to cut yourself some slack on your expectations for how you should be feeling or healing, yes? Grieving is not a linear or predictable process.

It's called heartache for a reason...there is actual physical pain along with the mental and emotional. So try to treat yourself as if you're recovering from major surgery with lots of rest and kindness.

I didn't date or do much socializing for an entire year and while it was a rough time, it gave me some breathing room and some badly-needed perspective, so when he came sniffing back around after 13 months I had little trouble kicking him to the curb.

Exercise and therapy saved my life that year. Maybe check out some options?

Sending you a hug.

P.S. Just read your last post...maybe just repeat "time is my friend" over and over to yourself, because it will be.

Have another hug.

VigilanceNow

Loveandmagic, I'm so sorry you're having such a bad experience. Alcoholism is a very isolating disease, and if your ex is still an active alcoholic, believe me that you are better off not engaging with him. Unfortunately I've been on the other side of that, and I know what you mean about feeling a kind of PTSD... I saw that in my ex boyfriend when I was drinking. I didn't want to believe it at the time, but it's a form of abuse. It destroys the trust that is so essential to any relationship.

This might sound cliche, but try talking to someone!! Everyone needs an impartial ear to get clarity. Taking action will also empower you to take back control of your own life and destiny. I know how hard it is... I've beaten myself up for over a year about the way I treated my ex. But you can move forward!!

LexieCat

What helped me: Not isolating. If being around drinking upsets you, plan activities with smaller groups of friends that don't involve drinking. Make new friends who are doing things that interest you (or once interested you). Take a class in something you've always wanted to learn. Stained glass, an acting class (great for putting your emotions to work for you), a cooking class. Practice doing things by yourself. Take yourself on a "date"--dinner and a movie is a good start. I am happily single, and I go to a lot of concerts and plays by myself. If a friend wants to join me, great, but I have a great time by myself. It might feel very weird the first few times, but that's just the strangeness of it. You get over that once you've done it a few times. Change up your surroundings. Get rid of reminders and buy a few new things. Plan a dream vacation--and then make it a point to interact with the people you meet in shops or while sightseeing.

None of this will change everything overnight. The point is to engage with the world again--to start to appreciate life again. It has a snowball effect. As you do more, you will enjoy it more, and more opportunities will present themselves.

Undoubtedly you will someday meet someone else and want a relationship with that person. You will be a much more desirable partner, and have a better notion of what you want in a partner, if you spend some time getting to know YOU, and developing into a personality in your own right--one not dependent on someone else to make you feel complete.

Ituvia

loveandmagic, I was dumped by my AXBF and it's going to be three months too. I could've written your post. Word for word. I started doing therapy and the doc diagnosed me with depression and put me on antidepressants. I was hesitant and scared at first but seeing as how my current state was miserable than anything else I've ever felt, I started taking the meds. I have to say I don't have breakdowns at work anymore. I don't wake up crying. The pain is there and as you will also come to know, it's imperative that your need to be functional gets priority over everything. I hit my rock bottom with my anxiety and depression after he dumped me. He up and left without giving a reason(he woke up next to me on the day) and has not contacted me since. I was rambling, crying and calling people and asking why he left with no answers to ANYTHING. He told me two days before leaving that he wants to marry me but still left. I also heard that he told his mates that he is finally free.
I realized that people without anxiety and depression don't have breakdowns in conference calls with clients and in team meetings, they don't wake up crying, they don't unravel completely. I felt that my emotions were always on the surface, ready to come bursting out. The meds HELP. I am still grieving but I am finding a teeny tiny amount of courage each day to go on. For my dogs. For my mum and dad. I also have to tell you that the first morning I woke up after taking the anti d, I felt suicidal. I am not a person who thinks about suicide and I felt that my anxiety was worse than before but I phoned my therapist and told him that and he asked me to take half a tablet and tapered it up after a week. Please don't let depression go untreated. If you think meds are not for you, please go to therapy. SR is my support system. I spend half my waking hours reading and educating myself and posting and you'll never find such helpful folks even in real life. Plus there is soooooo much wisdom in here.
Hugs from your virtual friend!

LexieCat

Hey, Ituvia,

So happy to hear the meds seem to be helping!! Just being able to see glimmers of hope is a GREAT start. Those glimmers GROW.

Ituvia

Yes, thank you, Lexicat. I think posting here helps a LOT. I would recommend the same to everyone. I slip and ramble here too but reading the replies from you guys keeps reiterating the points that I forget on some days.

LemonGirl

Everything Lexie said I agree with.

I take ashwaganda amd maca root to help with my anxiety. I refuse to take meds... to each their own though! Do what's best for you!

dandylion

loveandmagic.....to me, it sounds very unreasonable that you expect your grieving to be over at three months.....Where did you get that idea...?
Seeing a therapist is the most humane thing that you can do, in my opinion and experience.
Other human contact that you can share your feelings with is one of the most healing factors for humans....

Ap052183

Been there. It's hell. For me I'm at 2 years out and I still have those days, but that's because I had so much emotional work to do. Much of my issue had little to do with him, he just triggered the downfall. In addition to that everyone I know has gotten married and has babies during my crisis so for me it was a pretty awful perfect storm. Remember life ebbs and flows. In 3 or 5 years you will be on top of the world. Life doesn't stay hard for those willing to take risks and live through rough times. I'm now to a point where I have a lot of moments of clarity and happiness. My happiness is coming from my renewed sense of self and becoming truly authentic. My advice is to throw yourself into every type of help/support possible. Be vulnerable. Tell your story. Tell your friends how you feel. Be needy in a healthy way. One of the greatest gifts is finding how many people honestly care...and weeding out the ones that dont...

dandylion

^^^^^^^Yes, yes, and yes!^^^^^^^^^

dandylion

I think it is interesting to read about the guidelines of mourning, in generations, past. Grief was a common experience, for most people, as many people lost their spouses to illness, childbirth, work accidents, shorter lifespans, etc. Also, the infant mortality rate was much higher than it is now....
Many of the things that people see a therapist for, these days, were "built in" for people, already....so many of the rituals were, actually. healing. People understood grieving better we do today, in many ways....
They were able to know, by empirical experience, what fellow humans needed....
For example...wearing black for one solid year...that signaled to all that the grieving woman needed special care, and, extended families assured that vital thing....close human contacts, who understood what she was going through.
Neighbors came to help and watch over her...without being asked or told...
The year of mourning ensured that she would not leap into any transitional relationship to dull the pain (a blessing..lol).....
It was understood that a year marked a great lessing of the pain...and, she wasn't expected to be "all better" before, then, at least....
She was surrounded by those who knew the history and the details and were willing/able to talk about it and listen to her obsessions and fears.....
She knew that there was life in her future, because, she had, also, known many others who had mourned and observed them returning, eventually , to a life of purpose and joy....
There were, also, many rituals and customs for preserving the memory of the lost love one (even the loss of a "sweetheart".....
We can learn a lot from our older generations (and none of it involves facebook)......

I am just saying.....

Bekindalways

^^^^^ Another yes, yes, yes.

Some people do indeed feel better after a few months. That was not me. I was on the several year track too. It suuuuuuuuucked.

It has been several decades now but so much of what you wrote I remember: crying 24/7 and still being completely head over heals in love. The only time I would feel slightly better was when I spun some unlikely story of him recovering and coming back to me. Ever since then I've been a fan of denial . . . at least in therapeutic dosages .

It's a bummer that anti-depressants don't work for you. They always are something of a shot in the dark anyhow. They, antidepressants, hadn't been developed when I went through that psychedelic pain so I had to do it without too. The lack of sleep was killer.

Hang tough LM and stay close.

AnvilheadII

i think it helps to remember that it wasn't JUST three months ago that you started to harbor darker, depressive thoughts and feelings. you were in a relationship with an active alcoholic and it was far from sunshine and daisies. so you clung even harder to the "good" times to try and make it all OK.

but it was like the chapstick that rolls under the car seat and every time you JUST about get your fingers on it, it rolls a bit farther away. so at every stop light you keep trying and reaching. you try from the back, the side, the front again. you might even try to hit the brakes HARD to force it to roll closer.

THEN comes the break up. and RIPPPPP, there goes the temporary band aid. over time you looked to him more and more to suffuse you with happy stuff, and when it became harder to attain, you craved it more. much like the addict in early recovery having a bad day - they believe that "just one" would make it better, make it OK.

dating now is a bad idea, IMHO. dating partners are not good distractions or good ways to get over deep hurt. and you are likely to make a poor choice in that arena due to vulnerability.

perhaps a Daily Reader - like One Day at a Time Alanon - we have some daily reader threads here as well. just one concept per day to muse and meditate upon during the day. then when thoughts go wonky you can bring them back to the day's focus.

loveandmagic

That's a great point and makes me feel better. I think I feel like Ive been taught to be independent, confident, and not need a man. My life was very secure and balanced prior to him. The hell from his addiction and my fear for his life broke me. I only managed a year before I realized this was going to destroy my life and sanity, and I had no control over any of it. So I did the "right thing" a "confident self respecting woman" should do, and I broke up with him. Because he was just so unacceptable.

It just hurts so much more than I imagined it would, and I think it's because I never thought he'd turn around and say "I'm not in love with you anymore, I've moved on."

I work 40 hours a week, I workout 6 days a week, I volunteer twice a week, I go to therapy once a week, I hang out with supportive friends 4-6 times a week... and I want the pain to just be gone. I want to not love him anymore. I want to not care. But as I keep myself busy, as I try to teach myself more about addiction and codependency... I still just want him sober, stable and in my arms again. And I'm ashamed of that bc of how much pain he's brought into my life. And sometimes I wonder if he doesn't love me anymore bc he's lost respect for me for putting up with his ********.

I suppose

LexieCat

I seriously doubt he's done anything near that reflective. He's doing what seems to be the path of least resistance. He's out, he can do what he wants, and being with you again would require a whole lot of effort. I'd be surprised if he stays sober. But whatever his motivations, it is what it is. Keep working toward acceptance.

Bekindalways

Loveandmagic, as you probably know, you are doing well in taking care of yourself and staying active. In the long run it probably will help but it won't take away the short term pain.

Occasionally a post will hit home for me and your description of being smart and doing the "right thing" really struck me. This was me too.

Friends and family were very, "Good for you." Which was nice in a way but it didn't help with the pain and grief. There was nothing "good" about that. I suppose I thought there would be more of an award for doing the "right thing". In the long run there certainly have been rewards but in the short run . . . .ugh . . . .just ugh.

I wish there was some kind of Intensive Care for you Loveandmagic. Maybe someday there will be but until then myself and the rest of us will just send you electronic warm-fuzzies as much as we can.

loveandmagic

I feel that, entirely. I wanted a reward for this, and I wanted it to be his rock bottom and his desire to turn his life around. The intention of the breakup was for him to work on himself bc the situation was unacceptable. But he decided he doesn't love me anymore and is "focusing on himself" by working hard in the bar industry, working out, hanging out with friends and binge drinking every few weeks.

I just want him to suffer. I know that sounds cruel, but I want him to suffer and regret everything, and realize I was the best thing that ever happened to him. In the mean time, I'm building quite the bodiacious butt at the gym.