Ariesagain

Time for no contact, yes?

As long as he thinks you're still Plan B, and there's really no reason for him not to believe he can't weasel back into your world if he tries hard enough, you will be a target every time things don't go his way. And "not going his way" probably means that people want him to work on recovery and (gasp!) NOT DRINK and they don't know how unique and not addicted he is, he just CHOOSES to drink because Special Snowflake Problems No One But You Understands!!!!!

Trying to be funny here, but if this guy is really sincere about recovery I'll be very, very surprised and he's going to be targeting you as a way to avoid it.

Block him, unfriend him, all those social media things I don't completely understand, and enjoy being soothed and loved instead of harassed and exploited. Your family sounds lovely...enjoy and be comforted.

He is not your friend.

atalose

I thought you blocked him from contacting you??

We can heal, we really can, but healing only comes through cutting off the source of the pain.

Smarie78

Thanks all - atalose, he called me from hospital. He lost his phone days ago with everything else. I saw a number ring me several times and picked up to tell the person to leave a message or buzz off and it was him.

PhoenixJ

Contact is contact. It should not be a 'yes but' deal. He is trying to manipulate you again I think. Please do not see anyone or I will kill myself? That is not sane. Trying to get acceptance from him to break it off- once again he gets permission over you.
I would have thought even if you do not know the phone number- hang up. Have some one else screen the call- or turn it off. Even if he leaves a message- delete it, do not listen to it. He may be planning his future 'just in case' it does not work out with his family or detox. That way he has a nice safe bolt hole to drink himself to oblivion in - because he knows you are a nice person he can use up.
These are not criticisms. You are a good person trying to do the right thing..BY HIM.
You need to try and do the right thing by and for you.
Prayers always to you and all who suffer. PJ.

CelticZebra

I hope you are starting to feel stronger in the family home and would suggest that you change your number and set up a protection order before returning to your apartment.

If you can stay with your parents, work a bit and attend the lovely meetings nearby it will give you breathing space to calm down and become stronger before returning home where you are at your most vulnerable.
Please reach out to those who can help to make your no contact resolve be strong and please understand that the 'mental health issue' this person has is not being acknowledged by the very person suffering from the 'disease of addiction' and his choice is to ignore the possibility that it even exists!!

You are leading the way in how the future will be for you.
Seek help for your own issues before you begin to even attempt to help anyone else, please don't lose anymore of yourself to this person who is NOT WORTHY.

Talk and connect with others, share your experience, you are not alone, learn to become braver and stronger everyday and keep up the good work xx big hugs xx

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Smarie78

Thanks PJ - Reading this keeps me strong. I even thought as I was talking to him how I started to feel sad he was spending Thanksgiving alone in hospital and maybe I should bring him something or to visit because he is alone - but you are 100% right and I will NOT be doing that because that's all I need to get sucked back in. Next thing you know I am leaving the visit on my way to the Apple store to get him a phone (exaggerating but not really! It really does happen that quickly) and we are back to communicating like nothing happened. This was a common theme in our relationship. We'd go seemingly back to normal in the blink of an eye after he would do something, and I'd feel like "what just happened?". He'd be fine and I could never catch up.

I see how easily it tries to pull me back - not at ALL unlike the alcoholic to the booze (the comparisons are truly jarring when I stop and think about it)
We were supposed to spend Thanksgiving together last year but he relapsed, then he promised me this year we would be together to celebration, and here I am by myself again.

Staying strong everyday. I still couldn't get my sleep last night, I was tired but almost too tired to fall asleep because I was still anxious a bit. Today I feel like I am getting sick, but I think it is just stress. I am thrilled to be done with work today so I can go home, close my eyes and rest. One more hour....Thankful to be here and for this moment of serenity.

biminiblue

Can't you spend Thanksgiving with your family? It sounds like that would be a great place!

This guy isn't even available. He's married. He slipped right back into her house just a few days ago. The house where he (allegedly) pays rent. Even if he didn't drink (hahahahaha) he's still married. He's not available. Why doesn't that part of the story bother you??

His family forced him into detox when you kicked him out. That may be a chance at real recovery. He should have never been at your place in the first place. Being with you just adds layer upon layer to his guilt and shame - and that's a big deal for alcoholics.

CelticZebra

This is not JUST stress, stress can affect the body symptomatically as well as mentally and obviously lack of sleep contributes to these feelings.
I had to go no contact with my ex, he is a narcissist and although it was inconvenient to change phone numbers and update important people about those changes it was the only way I finally got rid of him, that and physical distance were what saved me.
he was sober and lovely for the first year of our relationship, things started to change and I didn't notice and after 3 years as a couple we then spent the next two years going around in circles as far as his promises and my giving into the lost little boy who had no one else, or so I thought then.
Pleas don't waste anymore of your precious life in thinking about the future even containing this man.

Destressor, sleep, look after yourself, eat well and keep doing what is good for you.
Keep on keeping on.

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Ariesagain

He is alone because he has chosen alcohol over his wife, his child, his family, and you. That is all his.

And yes, the similarities between addicts and codependents are startling. I look back and it's eerie...I even went through a kind of physical withdrawal from the ex, and you might be as well. But the most important similarity to remember is that there is no such thing as "just one," for you, either.

Rest. Recover. Remember who you are when you're not in the chaos.

PhoenixJ

Similar to alcohol to him? NO- it is the same thing to him, I think. A means to feed his ego. If he cannot drink- then he will get what he wants by any means possible,. He (I think) will not go around you to reach his goal- he will simply go through you, or if you are all used up - will just step over you and move on as if you never existed. Make no mistake- alcohol is everything. It was to me. Nothing else mattered- even my life. Just that next drink. He needs to be away from you. More importantly and for your safety you need to be away from him, I think. No contact- no letters, no email, no friendly waves in the street or polite chit chat. No messages left with neighbours. The next thing you know there will be 'I am so lost and hurt' postings on facebook, or in the agony section of the local paper- or Dr Phil. I could actually see that happening. There is an escalating pattern of abuse. The more he abuses himself- the more carnage there is. Friendly fire kills. All well and good saying 'whoops, sorry- next time'. My gran used to remind me 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'. Let it be his hell alone- not for you and those who truly care about you- because they will be affected to. There are no winners in keeping contact with him- even for him. You are a good person. Let yourself live in peace- you not only need it, it is essential for your health.

Smarie78

bimini - Oh I didn't mean alone as in by myself...I have a fantastic family (around 25 of them in the house this year for the holiday!)...I am really happy to be with them. I meant alone as in...without your partner whom you expect to be with you during holidays. My sister always says "everytime I look at you at any event, there is an empty chair next to you. Why do you allow that?"....

And yes, he is married, albeit separated for the last 3 years. And quite interesting to hear your thoughts on the guilt and shame because it is very real. Being with me did not, nor does not, allow him to "handle" his life. This I know, and perhaps have always known and use to tell him I guess hoping he would agree. He got married and only months later, then they split up. But he never handled a divorce or anything legal despite always saying he has to because the stress was killing him, but rather than face it he instead hid from it and as I like to say....hid by "playing house" with me. We would act like a normal couple with a normal future eventhough we were solitary from friends all the time and no movement toward a future. This kept him sick and protected from responsibilities which run much further than financial. It's great you pay for your family and allowed them to keep the nice home you had, but it's so much more than that.

Smarie78

And I knew I was adding much more to the stress and drinking exacerbation because I was frustrated at the abnormality of our relationship and he could see that. I knew I wanted to have a normal relationship. I never made demands on him to divorce or anything like that...but just that I really craved a normal life. So basically, you have the world waiting for you to act...because we all have needs, and you don't act..and the girl you are with you know is running out of patience and is breaking down and starting to resent and the more you don't act the more the stress builds....and boom, relapse. The most loving thing I can even do for HIM is us parting so he can be well (and me too)

PhoenixJ

Yes

AnvilheadII

it all kept you sick too, don't forget that. it's time to really look into WHY you were so drawn to THIS person, and why you hung on so fiercely.

you are home now and surrounded by family that loves you (i presume they do anyways!?). you are NOT alone. you HAVE sources of support. in the same way he always did.

share this ALL with your therapist. print out your posts if that will help. be well. now go tell your mom you really need some of her cocoa....my daughter (at 33) tells me she still sometimes needs mom's cocoa....cuz she makes it better than anyone.

atalose

It’s good practice NOT to answer any calls from #’s you do not recognize, especially knowing you have blocked him. If it’s a legitimate call from someone they will leave you a message. Friends/family/business people usually do not harass call until they get you to answer.

If you have an Iphone block the harassing #, if not, check with your carrier on blocking features from unknown #'s.

Refiner

I concur totally with Anvil on this one. I read through your posts of how you're clinging to him with every ounce of energy digging in and not letting go of this urine soaked, dirt and vomit covered person who offers you nothing. Have your past relationships needed to be "projects"? People you think you can fix up and be better? Or are you really just that lonely and needing a relationship in your life (the empty chair at holidays comment makes me believe this to be part of it, too). I really do not mean malice in saying these things, because I used to be that person. I had such low self-esteem that I got my self worth out of "helping" others. I usually found myself in relationships of guys that were somewhat beneath me (and I would not admit that to myself). Usually h.d no money, no jobs, very low self-esteem themselves. It wasn't until I was in my 40's that I learned how to turn that thinking arouned. I do not know your age, but I'm betting you're younger than this, so please don't waste as much of your life as I had. Life is MUCH better when you get this part figured out about yourself. I hope your therapist can help you on this journey.

FireSprite

"Why would I settle for just anybody JUST to fill a chair?? Am I somehow not enough, as myself, for your liking Sister? Perhaps this is more a reflection of YOUR internal value system being externalized onto me?"

CelticZebra

I'd be tempted to tell my sister the seat is clearly reserved for your imaginary partner... What an awful thing to say and how horrible if this is indeed the case at events, I wonder if this is actually the reason behind hurtful comments like is is that you were maybe meant to bring your 'partner', I wouldn't be attending these gatherings if that is the situation without pointing out how incredibly rude this seems to appear. I would also would hope this person is seated far away from you so she doesn't receive a sisterly knick to the shin,it's very sad when family members are unsupportive in this way, I hope the rest of your family are not like this

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

Ariesagain

I interpreted what her sister said as being more about the fact that her supposed partner (drunk married guy of three years' duration) couldn't or wouldn't show up for anything with the family...to be honest, if my baby sister was in this situation, I probably wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut, either...

Refiner

I also read it exactly as Aries did... that the sister is pointing out that Sm has chosen someone who isn't even with-it enough to be available for gatherings and pointing out that Sm allows that to happen to herself.