hearthealth

I had a busy couple of weeks with running errands. The more I do the more I realize how little he does. He goes to work but then comes home and drinks his beer.
Supper got overcooked last night because he couldn't tend to the stove while I was out for a parent teacher conference for the children. The conferences originally had to be resceduled to a inconvenient time. I needed to take DS to the doctor to get stitches out. I had to deal with a school call last week for an accident. As I was trying to decide if i should leave I had asked my husband if he was feeling the effects of the beer before I left. He stated no and he was trying to link it to his cold hands. I don't understand how the two are related. I could sense that he got upset that I asked so I stopped the line of questions.
After the overcooked food, I had to cancel another errand after dinner because I couldn't trust him. I have no life, no help or no emotional support. I also was taking care of my mom during the day. I have been trying to get through a very busy time in my life and realize how useless he is. I was fine with the children. He was mopey last night. I surmise it was because I wasn't around to tend to the stove oI he was still feeling the effects of the beer.

Maudcat

Well, hearthealth. My experience has been that often behavior like your husband's is typical, particularly as the dependency progresses. They drink more and more (maybe), do less and less. Everyone around them--you--picks up the slack. Meantime, everyone's expectations, yours, other family if they know about the drinking, and your spouse, get lower and lower. The less the alcoholic does, the less is expected. Works out well for the A, but hardly anyone else. I don't have answers, but I empathize. Seen it in my family. For example, my A brother is supposed to cut the grass and hedges at my mother's house where he lives. Of course, he wasn't doing it because that cuts into drinking time. Yard looked bad, mom was stressing, so we hired a lawn care company. My brother was mad!! That was his job!! I would laugh at his stupidity if it wasn't so sad. Good luck. Peace.

dandylion

hearthealth...it is like you are a single parent ,,plus one more...

FireSprite

This is where adjusting your expectations down to reality helps you not get so disappointed - he's not going to just start contributing more or suddenly realize his drinking is affecting every single part of your lives in such a way. (and if a miracle happens & he does, then that's awesome but still not anything you can plan around)

It IS reasonable to expect him to prioritize his drinking first & to hear denial about it. It is reasonable to expect constant blameshifting (cold hands) and changing moods. It is reasonable to expect him to NEVER be able/available to be depended on for childcare/rearing or household errands.

Accepting this will keep you from being disappointed every time he does exactly what he's going to do, does that make sense?

hopeful4

I have to say, when I divorced it was so much LESS work being a single mother. I realized what a slob he was, and how he actually just created a lot more work for me.

I agree with above, have no expectations. It does not make it right, just realistic.

Hugs.

firebolt

Yeah, at the end of my relationship, I felt like I was the only one with any responsibility at home and to the relationship. And it's not like the X didn't JUST not contribute.... he was actually in my way - making my responsibility more difficult in many ways. Life is much simpler, and easier now.

CoParentToA

Agree with this; when my XAH finally moved out, I had two babies under the age of 1 year old and found it was easier to manage by myself. At that point he was probably operating at 30-40% of promises and expectations, and I didn't realize how stressful it was to not know if things were going to happen, or when, or not at all.

For example, he would volunteer to make dinner, we would align on something that would be quick to pull together - and it would be 10:15 pm, I was dropping from exhaustion and still waiting on dinner but he would refuse to just put in a frozen pizza or something. (I hadn't realized that he was an alcoholic at the time - now it seems clear that his volunteer dinner duty allowed him to hide from me in the kitchen and drink, which would dramatically impede the pace of his cooking.)

Once he was gone, I hired a handyman for half a day and he took care of everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - that my husband had been promising to take care of since the day we moved into the house and he started tinkering with "improvements." I think that cost me about $300, and I smacked my head to think that the price of my sanity / nagging over the past almost decade could have been purchased for $300 worth of outsourcing.

It was so, so much easier to make my own plan and be accountable for it.

thousandwords53

I've stopped counting on my partner. Just dead weight most of the time. Or like Dandy said: another child. Even though the children help more than he does! *rolls eyes*

Zak68

A friend was in a similar situation. She just stopped doing his things. She didn't do his laundry. She cooked for herself and the kids. If he wanted stuff done he had to get up and do them for himself.
She realized she was enabling him by doing it all. He knew she'd complain but would still do everything while he sat back and drank. He had it made with his live in maid.
He finally got tired of it, lots of arguing but he started doing things and got off his butt. Still drinking but now he knows she's willing to stand up for herself.

LexieCat

The tricky part here is that he's abusive. So going "on strike" might be reasonable for someone who won't take it out of your hide, but could be a dangerous thing to do in an abusive home.

hh, you really cannot hope to be free as long as you're living with him. This is taking such a toll on you and your kids. I really hope you are able to get free of this situation.

hearthealth

I didn't fold and put away his laundry for 5 days. This morning he was folding and putting away wash. He was annoyed. He asked how long I was going to let the wash sit. He stated if there was no clean clothes he wouldn't go to work. I worked 38 hours last week and everything else. I guess the same could hold true for me if I wasn't the responsible one.
I guess I can't even be happy that he folded laundry if he has to throw a mid life temper tantrum.

AnvilheadII

how about you quit looking at the individual events and look at the BIG picture??? this is not about whether or not HE folds laundry.......

He stated if there was no clean clothes he wouldn't go to work.

ha, damn, so THAT is the excuse to use??? sorry boss....no clean clothes, couldn't show up. i'll try that on Monday............