He Won't Accept
You're right. I don't know. Maybe because in him offering to leave Friday I don't have to argue with him today because there is an action plan now. I admit there is a part of me that is taking the Friday deal because I am scared and exhausted and on such little sleep I don't know if I have the strength to battle. I am under deep stress at work too so in arguing about leaving today vs. Friday I relieve myself from the fight today.
I no longer have hope he will change. Certainly not in this house. I do know that he has contacts for a sober living home he can go to as when I met him that is where he was living and...surprise, surprise - sober! Nothing is happening here but things getting worse, and as I mentioned early we are exactly to the day of when the relapse binges began and so did the promises to change. A year definitely says that I gave it my all in terms of chances. I just can't do one more time.
And beyond all of this there is always the grieving of what will never be. Oddly enough the love doesn't go away even in the midst of the anger. I know it will eventually
I no longer have hope he will change. Certainly not in this house. I do know that he has contacts for a sober living home he can go to as when I met him that is where he was living and...surprise, surprise - sober! Nothing is happening here but things getting worse, and as I mentioned early we are exactly to the day of when the relapse binges began and so did the promises to change. A year definitely says that I gave it my all in terms of chances. I just can't do one more time.
And beyond all of this there is always the grieving of what will never be. Oddly enough the love doesn't go away even in the midst of the anger. I know it will eventually
I agree!
"Bitterness is like cancer - it eats upon the host.
But anger is like fire - it burns it all clean."
~Maya Angelou
I have used my anger as fuel to get through some very tough times.... wishing you lots of strength in the coming days!
"Bitterness is like cancer - it eats upon the host.
But anger is like fire - it burns it all clean."
~Maya Angelou
I have used my anger as fuel to get through some very tough times.... wishing you lots of strength in the coming days!
because there is an action plan now.
The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set because they’ll know another chance will always be given. They’re not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won’t walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you.
One of the reasons why I think YOU need to insist on his leaving--now--is that it will give you the power to reclaim your home for yourself. Otherwise you remain at the mercy of what HE does. Would it really be easier to fight about it on Friday? In fact, why is any fight at all necessary? You simply say time is up, time to leave, goodbye.
Rip off the bandaid. Dreading it is much worse than the reality. You're giving your own fear way too much power here.
Rip off the bandaid. Dreading it is much worse than the reality. You're giving your own fear way too much power here.
When I kicked out the last guy I lived with (not an alcoholic, and we had already broken up but he was dragging his feet about moving), I said, "That's it, you're out of here today and I'm staying home to make sure you do it." When he said, "But I've got no place to GO," my response was, "Not my problem."
And guess what, he FOUND someplace to go. He came back with his son a few weeks later to move a few items he couldn't take with him that day, but other than that we were done.
You've got more power than you think.
And guess what, he FOUND someplace to go. He came back with his son a few weeks later to move a few items he couldn't take with him that day, but other than that we were done.
You've got more power than you think.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,974
No there’s not, it’s the same old plan, the one that never worked before.
The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set because they’ll know another chance will always be given. They’re not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won’t walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you.
The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set because they’ll know another chance will always be given. They’re not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won’t walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you.
Smarie, I so hope you have found a good group in Alanon. Could any of them be on call if you need support on Friday? You could even have them there to actually make the phone call to the police. . . just brainstorming a few more elements for your plan.
on 10/25/16 you wrote:
I will try again today. By the grace of God I will try and commit and get him out of my home. I am not helping - nothing changes. The moment I leave home he is back to boozing. Thankfully I am not experiencing the panic attacks this week when I sense he is off the wagon, but by God I MUST force him to leave if I cannot force him to stop drinking, which I KNOW I cannot. I kept giving chances, I could not bring myself to kick him out and as soon as I was about to he sobered up and cried for one more chance. The short-term sobriety or I should say, inactive periods of not drinking, leech onto my codie persona powerfully and before you know it he is allowed again into the house because of the mask of good behavior.
and you did NOT ask him to leave.
and today:
I know that many of you will say make him leave tonight, but I am going to give him a chance to voluntarily leave on Friday if that is what he is telling me today. If Friday comes and he doesn't leave, I will call police to escort him out. Again, the next couple of days will be critical for me because it is time for me to become vulnerable by his small acts of not drinking and "good behavior".
again, you are not asking or telling him to leave. you are letting HIM call the shots. because you know how this will go and come Friday, he won't go anywhere.
maybe you need to look at that......that you don't really WANT him to leave...that somehow in this huge fat mess of things you get SOME type of payoff. whether it is having someone to pity and look down upon (seeing him as a helpless little boy), or the day after effects when he cleans up and starts in on the "one more chance" rhetoric again.
this is no longer about HIM. he HAS places to go. if i recall he cheated on you with another woman not that far in the past.....he is resourceful and far from helpless.
when you came home and he was passed out and covered in his own filth, what did you do? call 911? nope, you sprang to life and went nuts on cleaning up after him.
AGAIN.
you were able to take action THEN, but not now.
WHY? i believe you need him a lot more than he truly needs you. and that is the key here......what motivates YOU.
I will try again today. By the grace of God I will try and commit and get him out of my home. I am not helping - nothing changes. The moment I leave home he is back to boozing. Thankfully I am not experiencing the panic attacks this week when I sense he is off the wagon, but by God I MUST force him to leave if I cannot force him to stop drinking, which I KNOW I cannot. I kept giving chances, I could not bring myself to kick him out and as soon as I was about to he sobered up and cried for one more chance. The short-term sobriety or I should say, inactive periods of not drinking, leech onto my codie persona powerfully and before you know it he is allowed again into the house because of the mask of good behavior.
and you did NOT ask him to leave.
and today:
I know that many of you will say make him leave tonight, but I am going to give him a chance to voluntarily leave on Friday if that is what he is telling me today. If Friday comes and he doesn't leave, I will call police to escort him out. Again, the next couple of days will be critical for me because it is time for me to become vulnerable by his small acts of not drinking and "good behavior".
again, you are not asking or telling him to leave. you are letting HIM call the shots. because you know how this will go and come Friday, he won't go anywhere.
maybe you need to look at that......that you don't really WANT him to leave...that somehow in this huge fat mess of things you get SOME type of payoff. whether it is having someone to pity and look down upon (seeing him as a helpless little boy), or the day after effects when he cleans up and starts in on the "one more chance" rhetoric again.
this is no longer about HIM. he HAS places to go. if i recall he cheated on you with another woman not that far in the past.....he is resourceful and far from helpless.
when you came home and he was passed out and covered in his own filth, what did you do? call 911? nope, you sprang to life and went nuts on cleaning up after him.
AGAIN.
you were able to take action THEN, but not now.
WHY? i believe you need him a lot more than he truly needs you. and that is the key here......what motivates YOU.
Anvilhead I do NOT want in him my home or in my life any longer. There was a point in time where I did, even when he did these awful things. But I do not any longer. Do I still feel love for him? Yes. Have I accepted that things are over and he must leave? YES. I do not need him whatsoever. Whethr or not you have been in this situation before, it is not an easy one. It is not as easy as calling the cops walking in to him like this last night.
I have called the cops on him before so I am more than capable. I have kicked him out plenty of times without so much as a tear. This however is the first time I am dealing with kicking somebody out who doesn't currently have a residence. (and yes i know its not my problem and he will be fine but this is my struggle). I wish it was as simple as you make it sound but the fact is that it is not.
I am completely alone in my apartment with him. I am buried in work and stress due to it with very few hours of sleep, and I am hiding this secret here. My mind is not as strong as I want it to be. I am not biding time as much as you may think I am. I am simply STRUGGLING. I feel very small right now with him here. It is not an excuse but it is how I feel. I want him to go more than anything and I am begging him and he says he will go tomorrow so that is what we agreed to.
In times past I always went to get him and bathe him and take care of him because I felt I was the only one who cared about him anymore and my heart went out to him because I saw him as sick, which he is, and I wanted to help. Last night I let him sit there in his smelly mess only cleaning up around him because the apartment stunk. I do NOT get off on taking care of him. I simply feel swallowed and small and I am doing my best to make this time different. To enforce that he leave tomorrow and not a day later.
I am very tired
I have called the cops on him before so I am more than capable. I have kicked him out plenty of times without so much as a tear. This however is the first time I am dealing with kicking somebody out who doesn't currently have a residence. (and yes i know its not my problem and he will be fine but this is my struggle). I wish it was as simple as you make it sound but the fact is that it is not.
I am completely alone in my apartment with him. I am buried in work and stress due to it with very few hours of sleep, and I am hiding this secret here. My mind is not as strong as I want it to be. I am not biding time as much as you may think I am. I am simply STRUGGLING. I feel very small right now with him here. It is not an excuse but it is how I feel. I want him to go more than anything and I am begging him and he says he will go tomorrow so that is what we agreed to.
In times past I always went to get him and bathe him and take care of him because I felt I was the only one who cared about him anymore and my heart went out to him because I saw him as sick, which he is, and I wanted to help. Last night I let him sit there in his smelly mess only cleaning up around him because the apartment stunk. I do NOT get off on taking care of him. I simply feel swallowed and small and I am doing my best to make this time different. To enforce that he leave tomorrow and not a day later.
I am very tired
Of course you are, you keep giving him all the power here. (said in my kindest tough-love voice possible)
I would've agreed with you once upon a time but in reality I've found that it really IS that simple & anything that rises up as a burden or hurdle to do with this is really a by-product of your OWN thinking. I did not think I could/would let RAH sit in jail until he figured out his own solutions/bond problem but that's exactly what I did.... and I set a precedent that I would no longer allow him to dictate my actions for his benefit. With that wall up, it became easier & easier to continue placing & enforcing boundaries.
In all honesty, I think a lot of what you are feeling is the abdication of your own power over to him - allowing him back in the first place & letting him decide when/if to leave this time around. He will also leave under the expectation that he can return following a cooling-off period, no matter what you say or how you say it. It's not your words he's interested in, it's your actions - & those show that your boundaries are negotiable.
You can't expect him to give you respect that you aren't giving yourself, right? Addicts take - it is what they do - his behavior is no mystery or great riddle. Change has to come from YOUR side.
I wish it was as simple as you make it sound but the fact is that it is not.
In all honesty, I think a lot of what you are feeling is the abdication of your own power over to him - allowing him back in the first place & letting him decide when/if to leave this time around. He will also leave under the expectation that he can return following a cooling-off period, no matter what you say or how you say it. It's not your words he's interested in, it's your actions - & those show that your boundaries are negotiable.
You can't expect him to give you respect that you aren't giving yourself, right? Addicts take - it is what they do - his behavior is no mystery or great riddle. Change has to come from YOUR side.
S-78mY DIVORCE HAPPENED LAST WEEK. mE DAMAGE AND BOOZE. mY WIFE HAD ENOUGH. very DRAMATIC ALMOST FATAL BURNS. 1 YEAR AGO. hAVE NOT SEEN ANY OF MY FAMILY SINCE. yES I DRANK BECAUSE OF THIS REASON- CRAP PARENTS, THE SUN WAS THE WRONG COLOUR. I AM NOT (damn cap lock) a victim. I was very, very sick from stuff- booze helped me get even sickerer.
I have left my family alone. Accepted the ex's demands (30 years). All I want for all of us is closure- healing and to get on with our lives. Too much damage from me.
You need safety and support. You do not need this crap in your life. It is his life- he has to front up. You are not his mum. I support you 100% in being proactive. This man needs to front up. Personally,allowing him time until Fri gives his cunning addictive thinking time to stonewall again- just 1 more night, I am so tired, where will I go, plus other horrible stuff to make you feel guilty. Alcies are very good at this.
Think of your self- at all times safety for you first. With you in my prayers.
I have left my family alone. Accepted the ex's demands (30 years). All I want for all of us is closure- healing and to get on with our lives. Too much damage from me.
You need safety and support. You do not need this crap in your life. It is his life- he has to front up. You are not his mum. I support you 100% in being proactive. This man needs to front up. Personally,allowing him time until Fri gives his cunning addictive thinking time to stonewall again- just 1 more night, I am so tired, where will I go, plus other horrible stuff to make you feel guilty. Alcies are very good at this.
Think of your self- at all times safety for you first. With you in my prayers.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I would no longer allow him to dictate my actions for his benefit. With that wall up, it became easier & easier to continue placing & enforcing boundaries.
Hi, It sounds as though your decision is made for Friday. I'm wishing that things go smoothly and you have the strength needed for that firm boundary.
Hi, It sounds as though your decision is made for Friday. I'm wishing that things go smoothly and you have the strength needed for that firm boundary.
To enforce that he leave tomorrow and not a day later.
except tomorrow is NOT Friday.
look i get how wearing this is....i really do. but no one else is going to walk these next few important steps FOR you. and you are in an enviable position....he's not on the lease, you are not married, there are no mutual assets, HE is the one leaving not you, and there are no children. you just have to open the door and roll him out. if you put the booze or the aftershave out on the porch, he'll follow it and you can just shut the door on his @ss.
the longer we talk about doing something and fail to act, the weaker our will becomes. the only way this will happen is if you DO IT. tomorrow or the day after is no different than today, except that is is NOT today and thus another day's delay.
it is that simple. nobody said it was easy tho. cuz it ain't. but it is also only as hard as we make it. we hold the key. we always have. take back your power.
except tomorrow is NOT Friday.
look i get how wearing this is....i really do. but no one else is going to walk these next few important steps FOR you. and you are in an enviable position....he's not on the lease, you are not married, there are no mutual assets, HE is the one leaving not you, and there are no children. you just have to open the door and roll him out. if you put the booze or the aftershave out on the porch, he'll follow it and you can just shut the door on his @ss.
the longer we talk about doing something and fail to act, the weaker our will becomes. the only way this will happen is if you DO IT. tomorrow or the day after is no different than today, except that is is NOT today and thus another day's delay.
it is that simple. nobody said it was easy tho. cuz it ain't. but it is also only as hard as we make it. we hold the key. we always have. take back your power.
Here's a short quote from an old thread started by another SR member that might resonate w/you:
But it really IS that simple. I posted another thread today - titled we choose this life. So choose your life and go for it. Leave the past in the past. Don't carry your regrets around with you. Move forward, one step at a time. This is your choice, and the only thing you really can control. With all due respect, Wavy, fear is simply an emotion. You are acting on it. Stop doing that and let it pass you over. You only get this one shot at this life.
But it really IS that simple. I posted another thread today - titled we choose this life. So choose your life and go for it. Leave the past in the past. Don't carry your regrets around with you. Move forward, one step at a time. This is your choice, and the only thing you really can control. With all due respect, Wavy, fear is simply an emotion. You are acting on it. Stop doing that and let it pass you over. You only get this one shot at this life.
I thought he said he would leave on FRIDAY... is that tomorrow where you live? What's going to happen when you come home and walk in on him passed out and covered in ****, ****, and vomit on the day he said he would leave? It's never-ending because you allow it to be!
Stood up to him and told him to leave. While he was in and out of sleep I packed his things. About 6-7 garbage bags. I'm now standing in Public Storage waiting to check out after putting his things in a unit.
He has left the apartment.
He has left the apartment.
Does he have a key? Can you change the locks? Your next steps are what determines if this is final or not....and if hes not ready to quit forever, the cycle will just continue. Nows the time to block him from all ways of contact if you can - and I promise, this is the quickest most direct route to YOU healing.
I wish I could give ya a big hug - I know how hard this is....
I hope you have an overwhelming sense of peace tonight - no turmoil, in YOUR place. There will be hard days ahead, but nothing like what you've already been through. Love and peace Smarie....you deserve it!! (((HUGS))))
I wish I could give ya a big hug - I know how hard this is....
I hope you have an overwhelming sense of peace tonight - no turmoil, in YOUR place. There will be hard days ahead, but nothing like what you've already been through. Love and peace Smarie....you deserve it!! (((HUGS))))
As I recall, he recently camped outside your door after you briefly kicked him out, after which you let him back in. Can you tell your landlord or doorman or whoever that he is NOT welcome and to call the police to have him removed if he shows up? He is trespassing on THEIR property, too.
And if he persists, look into filing a protective order based on stalking. I believe in Illinois you don't have to show you're in fear of physical harm, but are experiencing emotional distress. If he keeps bothering you after you've put him out, I think that probably qualifies, though your local DV advocate could advise you more accurately.
And if he persists, look into filing a protective order based on stalking. I believe in Illinois you don't have to show you're in fear of physical harm, but are experiencing emotional distress. If he keeps bothering you after you've put him out, I think that probably qualifies, though your local DV advocate could advise you more accurately.
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