He Won't Accept
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Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
You are braver and stronger than you thought! Hugs! You deserve so much more. I hope this is the beginning of just that. I wish we could save the world.... sometimes we have to settle for saving ourselves first. Sleep well.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you another HUGE HUG.
You need peace and rest. It will seem odd at first...we get so accustomed to the drama and the roller coaster and the exhaustion...but let it sink in and feel the calm that comes when you don't spend every moment trying to hold everything together while someone else is actively trying to tear it down.
Wishing you better days and peace of mind.
You need peace and rest. It will seem odd at first...we get so accustomed to the drama and the roller coaster and the exhaustion...but let it sink in and feel the calm that comes when you don't spend every moment trying to hold everything together while someone else is actively trying to tear it down.
Wishing you better days and peace of mind.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Trust me on this, go no contact... completely no contact (no asking about him, block his number, social media accounts and those who you know will take "his side") and you will see things in ways you never thought possible. You can do this, IMO this is the hardest part, but you CAN do it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
After the whole thing about agreeing to let him stay to Friday, everything took a turn for the worst...which really for me, was probably the best. When he awoke this morning to all the mess he made he was extremely shameful looking and as I said before, cleaned the apartment as though nothing happened. It was then that he got all showered and clean and rushed out to a meeting looking upset and sober - sober as in not drunk and as in "something has got to change". That's when he said "I'll be out by Friday". I suppose because he offered it without me asking I was looking at it as though it were resolved.
Fast forward to him coming back from the "meeting"...and then him stepping outside for a cigarette downstairs. Coincidentally my apartment happens to be connected to a bar of all things so he can literally go out for a cigarette and do a shot and I would never know. For a moment I thought it was over and he was really feeling remorseful and that this binge was over (id have still needed to kick him out but I would have waited to Friday). Well, as I worked at the table he would go inside and out until I saw him come back stumbling this time. I left the room and came back to see him on the couch with urine soaked jeans again hiding an empty pill bottle of pain reliever he was swigging filled with vodka or something that smelled like it. This is when I broke down because I felt duped again in a matter of moments. I then demanded he leave NOW. He wasn't too far wasted so it made it easier for me because he could walk.
Shockingly he got up and left, thinking he was going to the bar but will be back tonight. He was shocked when I told him no. Like a child he was confused saying "why can't I come back?"...this is when I explained that he was crazy if he thought I would let him go back out again to drink and come home to destroy me and my home even further. This is when I left the house to tell him I would walk out with him and that all his stuff was in my car ready to go to storage. He walked with me and tried to get into the car but I pulled away and went straight to the public storage.
My doorperson said he tried to come in when I was away but he refused him and he eventually left. He does not have a key because I took it today, and even if he has a copy of the one I gave him, I have a deadbolt and am the only person who has a single of that key as I have never had copies made.
I'm exhausted. I don't feel the pride just yet kicking in because I feel a lot of pain and grief seeing the sick person I have loved for so long and so much destroying himself. My heart hurts because I know he must be in some incredible pain to keep doing this. My heart hurts because I can't make him better, and now the house is peaceful...but it feels so empty. I cried at the storage place. The girl told me she was proud of me, not knowing the extent of the story.
Thank you for all of the support. I look forward to the next few days passing so I know this is for sure over.
Fast forward to him coming back from the "meeting"...and then him stepping outside for a cigarette downstairs. Coincidentally my apartment happens to be connected to a bar of all things so he can literally go out for a cigarette and do a shot and I would never know. For a moment I thought it was over and he was really feeling remorseful and that this binge was over (id have still needed to kick him out but I would have waited to Friday). Well, as I worked at the table he would go inside and out until I saw him come back stumbling this time. I left the room and came back to see him on the couch with urine soaked jeans again hiding an empty pill bottle of pain reliever he was swigging filled with vodka or something that smelled like it. This is when I broke down because I felt duped again in a matter of moments. I then demanded he leave NOW. He wasn't too far wasted so it made it easier for me because he could walk.
Shockingly he got up and left, thinking he was going to the bar but will be back tonight. He was shocked when I told him no. Like a child he was confused saying "why can't I come back?"...this is when I explained that he was crazy if he thought I would let him go back out again to drink and come home to destroy me and my home even further. This is when I left the house to tell him I would walk out with him and that all his stuff was in my car ready to go to storage. He walked with me and tried to get into the car but I pulled away and went straight to the public storage.
My doorperson said he tried to come in when I was away but he refused him and he eventually left. He does not have a key because I took it today, and even if he has a copy of the one I gave him, I have a deadbolt and am the only person who has a single of that key as I have never had copies made.
I'm exhausted. I don't feel the pride just yet kicking in because I feel a lot of pain and grief seeing the sick person I have loved for so long and so much destroying himself. My heart hurts because I know he must be in some incredible pain to keep doing this. My heart hurts because I can't make him better, and now the house is peaceful...but it feels so empty. I cried at the storage place. The girl told me she was proud of me, not knowing the extent of the story.
Thank you for all of the support. I look forward to the next few days passing so I know this is for sure over.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
I just wanted to wish you luck, and to tell you to stay strong. It is so hard when we love someone so much, but they are not willing to fight for the love. The A is taking over, and nothing you say will change. I am learning this.....slowly!
Hugs!
Hugs!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's my personal suggestion. Harden your heart and stay angry that he has put you through ALL of this. You can grieve and be sad later. Right now, your well-being DEMANDS that you put yourself first, that you not feel sorry and sad for him.
You are not heartless, and if take a step back for one second, you know it. You were kind, and instead of considering your well-being for one moment, he took and took and took.
Yes, he's sick. You can't fix him. The situation was killing you. You did the ONLY thing left to do, which is to leave him in the hands of his own higher power.
I'd suggest getting to a meeting as soon as you can pull yourself together to do it. Maybe call someone from your group. You need other people telling you that you did the right thing.
You are not heartless, and if take a step back for one second, you know it. You were kind, and instead of considering your well-being for one moment, he took and took and took.
Yes, he's sick. You can't fix him. The situation was killing you. You did the ONLY thing left to do, which is to leave him in the hands of his own higher power.
I'd suggest getting to a meeting as soon as you can pull yourself together to do it. Maybe call someone from your group. You need other people telling you that you did the right thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Also, the only thing that gives me hope that this time is different is that all the other times I made him leave, he had a place to go where he could destroy himself and then I would run and rescue him when things got bad. He also still had all his stuff here. This time he has no real place of his own to go to except Sober Living (where he knows lots of people and lived there before the relapse a year ago) or where his ex and their son live which is where he pays rent (separated and supporting them) so technically can go there but will not be able to drink. Funny how the place he has actual rights to he seems to respect the boundaries of 
He even told me he doesn't get a key to their place, imagine that! No wonder he messes up my home because I let him!
I guess what I am trying to say is that this time there will be no roommate to call me to come get him and describe to me that he needs me, reeling in my codie heart and head. In the past they would call me to come get him and I would break and run over there.
This time he won't be able to say he needs to come get his things because they aren't here. I even slipped the storage unit key under the door to his existing unit that he has at the building so it's not like he even needs to get the key from me. I texted him the unit number so all in all, he has no reason to contact me. Right now I am sad, but I know it will pass.
He even told me he doesn't get a key to their place, imagine that! No wonder he messes up my home because I let him!I guess what I am trying to say is that this time there will be no roommate to call me to come get him and describe to me that he needs me, reeling in my codie heart and head. In the past they would call me to come get him and I would break and run over there.
This time he won't be able to say he needs to come get his things because they aren't here. I even slipped the storage unit key under the door to his existing unit that he has at the building so it's not like he even needs to get the key from me. I texted him the unit number so all in all, he has no reason to contact me. Right now I am sad, but I know it will pass.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
Never forget you are a good person and you deserve to be safe and happy. Keep posting. Sending massive amounts of prayers to you. I hope he sorts himself out- for his own sake. Yes- he is still human but has to take responsibility for his own life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ 
Never forget you are a good person and you deserve to be safe and happy. Keep posting. Sending massive amounts of prayers to you. I hope he sorts himself out- for his own sake. Yes- he is still human but has to take responsibility for his own life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
That alcohol is the destroyer of my past means it is a good place to leave it. I have nothing but empathy for you. Yes alcoholism is a sickness-BUT it is never an excuse. If someone has cancer- they get treatment because it kills. Why should dealing with booze be any different-'tisnt. I feel sadness and remorse- I try to learn from it and understand. Thankyou for your posts. Every story helps me to understand more completely and do the right thing- which I am. Again- stay safe.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
You aren't heartless. Look at it this way- what you did was give him, a grown man, the dignity of finding his own way out of his own mess. You gave him the dignity of making his own adult choices. He has EVERY ability to make good decisions, it is simply a matter of choice. ((((((More hugs ))))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
((big hugs))
I hope you get some well needed rest and are able to "just be". I am a strong advocate for "no contact" as one of our best tools.
Proud of you!! you certainly did do it differently this time, empowering yourself moving forward.
I hope you get some well needed rest and are able to "just be". I am a strong advocate for "no contact" as one of our best tools.
Proud of you!! you certainly did do it differently this time, empowering yourself moving forward.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
SMarie, I think as a recovering alcoholic myself I have to say here: he is not helpless. He can stop at any time. Even in my worst throes of the addiction, I still knew it was possible to quit. There is plenty of help out there.
You're not it, though.
He has lots of messes to clean up, including being married and having a child.
The "addiction is a disease" thing? Yeh, it is - I would call it a mental illness. It is recoverable, but things need to get really bad. Even then, he may not ever seek recovery. I don't think sympathy is the right emotion to use with an active alcoholic. They already have massive amounts of self-pity.
This is not yours to fix.
Well done. Hold on, pamper yourself. Buy a new couch!!
You're not it, though.
He has lots of messes to clean up, including being married and having a child.
The "addiction is a disease" thing? Yeh, it is - I would call it a mental illness. It is recoverable, but things need to get really bad. Even then, he may not ever seek recovery. I don't think sympathy is the right emotion to use with an active alcoholic. They already have massive amounts of self-pity.
This is not yours to fix.
Well done. Hold on, pamper yourself. Buy a new couch!!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by biminiblue
SMarie, I think as a recovering alcoholic myself I have to say here: he is not helpless. He can stop at any time. Even in my worst throes of the addiction, I still knew it was possible to quit.
I understand addiction as a mental illness so sometimes my brain wants to tell me "look at you discarding a mentally ill person on the streets like that!"..but again, the other side of my brain reminds that he had the opportunity and still does, to fix his life. Playing house with me will eventually catch up to him, and when it does, there goes the bottle.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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And you are right - I have always known that a big part of his addiction was to do with not cleaning up other issues in his life which would exacerbate the drinking. For example, him being separated for the last 3 years and not taking action on divorce despite the anxiety it was giving him being married to someone 100% dependent on him for finances, paying two rents, and even just the basics (she is foreign so it's a situation of 'well you brought me here and eventhough we are not together, your stuck with me'). He also never saw his son they shared and this would build up in him to guilt, thus, drinking. I always wondered, why didn't he just fix the root of the stress and then he wouldn't have to escape with the bottle any longer?
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