He Won't Accept
 

The A in my life stopped actively drinking today and I calmly asked him to leave. I even packed his things and they are in the trunk of my car. He is crying, begging...for another chance. To go get his things and bring them back in here. The thing is, is that I have given him hundreds of chances, explaining to him that he CANNOT drink in my home and is free to get as drunk as he wants outside but he is not allowed to bring it into the house or be drunk here. Third business trip in 3 weeks each time walking into the home where he is passed out holding empty bottles, my sofa drenched in urine, mess everywhere.

I have made it clear many times that I cannot live this way. With the constant anxiety of being out of town and not hearing from him, imagining his pulse stopped all alone in my home. Because he is severe I not only come home to empty bottles of booze, but usually broken bottles of perfume that he drinks right up as well. I end up exhausted hauling loads of bags to my car in the middle of the night of any liquid I can find, then spend the night checking his pulse. I have a high stress job as well and with the little sleep and high stress from this situation, depression, anxiety...you name it. I feel like I am falling apart.

Today I finally had the strength while he is not drunk, to tell him he must leave today and leave me alone and find a place to go. I know he has options, but he won't leave me alone. I am sitting here working doing my best and he won't stop asking me for "one more chance", which I know I can't give. I refuse. He is trying to break me down and say yes. I wish I didn't own this place so I can leave, but I can't leave...I just need him to. I know the advice here will be to call the police if he doesn't leave, but I feel I am outside of my mind right now. I just want him to go - deep down I love him and want nothing more than to keep him here, but Lord knows I cannot walk into this pain one more day. I am barely standing as it is.

I want him so much but I have accepted he needs to leave. Now, if he just would.

Sending you a whole lot of love & strength right now Smarie, you are doing the exact right thing FOR YOU. Idk what your state/local laws are regarding having him evicted, but it might be beneficial to know your rights in case you are required to give a specific type of notice (written) or allow him a grace period to move.

(((((Hugs)))))) I know this has to have you maxed out on your stress level, stay strong!!!!!

:You_Rock_

Smarie, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. It sounds like you are at the place where you know what you know and you can't turn your face away from it any longer.

I wish you strength to get thru this. Know that peace waits on the other side.

:hug:

Thank you all! I know this will pass. The universe is really testing me today. I am under so much stress with work and haven't gotten up from my home office chair barely to use the washroom, meanwhile boyfriend is begging back and forth, and then I have my sister calling me to pick up her kids from daycare just now. I would love to just click a button right now and be transported somewhere else :(..I know I am complaining and everyone has gone through things like this and even worse. It's just hard. Especially seeing him reverting to almost like a child begging me, trying to hold onto the dog even (who keeps leaping away!) He is so sick and it's hard to watch. He isn't a mean drunk either, just a very sad and sick person. Hate seeing anyone like this, much less someone I love....thank you for the love and strength :grouphug:

He knows that you will give him hundreds and one more chances!!! he knows how to wear you down, he counting on you caving in.

Tell him simple I have to leave now and so do you. I'm doing to drop you at the mission! or where ever it is you drop him off. When he gets out of your car........no looking back. Block him from contacting you. Change your locks and keep strong.

Take it very easy on yourself today - can you take 15 minutes just to do some breathing exercises, take a quick walk or do some yoga? Even just 5 mins of repeating positive affirmations to yourself will really help you to get through the rest of your day. Make sure to stay hydrated & take some vitamins if you feel like your diet has been less than healthy lately.

Then - chocolate, a long hot bath, a good book, some escapism-TV and/or extra sleep... or whatever will help you to be gentle with yourself tonight. Tomorrow is another day, you don't have to figure it all out right now! :grouphug:

This^^, absolutely.

On the morning following the night where I knew I was converting the separation to a divorce, I posted this: I guess my prayer for today will be along the lines of "HP, let me see what I need to see and see it clearly, but please keep me blind to the rest for now so I'm not overwhelmed."

Keep things small and manageable, take as small of steps as you need to, stop and rest a bit if you need a break. Keep your eyes and your heart lifted up. You're going to be OK.

Throughout the course of our relationship I taught my ex that my words were meaningless and my boundaries nonexistent. I threatened to leave hundreds of times before I actually pulled the trigger and did it.

The only thing that showed him I was serious was to stop talking and act. If your home is his legal residence, you may have to serve him with a written eviction notice. If it's not, you may have to get law enforcement involved.

I was also desperate for him to accept and thereby validate my decision. I was clinging to the hope that it would be his wake up call to get sober. I had to let go of that as well. It was hard, but the peace I gained is literally priceless.

You are doing the right thing! It's so hard....but a weight will be lifted once its done. :grouphug:

I admire and respect your guts and resolve. I have said in another post that I still try not to judge addicts, but to live with that level of stress is unbearable! I believe that you have done the right thing, and when the time is right for me to let go, I will remember how dignified you are! He's to no more urine-soaked sofas!...yippee! Xxx Good luck!

Lizzie it's very hard. He's still sitting there in between begs while I work. The thing that makes it so hard is the complexity of it. You somehow still love them but you know you are killing the both of you in staying. The thing is that the logic is still so messed up in my thinking because while I'm so angry at him for keeping in destroying my home and trust no matter how much I told him He can't,, I also pity him and think his disease may not even allow him the option to right from wrong anymore. It's insane because it makes me jump back and forth to seeing him as perpetrator and as a victim. So I'm not so sure I even know how to think anymore.

My saving grace is that he is a separated man for the last 3 years so I always knew it wouldn't last until he made moves on the divorce, so after a year and a half together regardless of the disease it would still be time to leave. That helps a lot because every time I feel the "how can I leave a sick person", I think that I'd leave anyway bc of his marriage. Also, I swore I would never live with him due to his marital status yet somehow he ended up in my home full time after being kicked out of roommates homes.

All of it is gut wrenching - I am no stronger than anyone else it just seems like for me all of the avoidance and hiding has come to roost. Sooner or later it will for you too where staying will become more painful than leaving. Reality doesn't hide for long and like the A, sooner or later we have to face it. . Lots of love to you and everyone going through this or those who have or will someday.

Hello Smarie,

I'm wondering...what are you getting out of spending hours with him making this scene while you try to work? I can't help but wonder why you do not put a stop to this scene immediately.

Perhaps a night of peace for both of you may be had by driving him and his bags to a local hotel, pay for one night, and leave. Head home and lock all of your doors and windows and enjoy the quiet and the peace.

You are the only one who has the power to end this dramatic scene. I am so very sorry for you both.

Praying for your clarity and strength. :grouphug:

S

Smarie, how did his roommates make him leave? Or was it easier for them because he knew he couldn't push them?

Both my parents have cancer right now and I find it so overwhelming sometimes that I can't think straight at work. A colleague of mine who I've become close has had to keep me in line, reminding of deadlines and such so I can keep a project moving forward.

We just talked yesterday and she has said that sometimes she feels like such a bitch for reminding me to stay on plan despite the craziness going on in my family life. But she and I both agree that this is what I need. To keep myself accountable, because preserving my accountability keeps me sane. It may feel good to let a deadline slip for one day, but the next day the overwhelming anxiety of an uncompleted task multiplies a hundredfold. I suspect that deciding to have him stay one more day would feel good at the moment, but then you would have to face the anxiety of having him continue the way he is the next day and the next and the next...

He may want your pity, but is that what he actually needs?

Smarie,
I am happy of what you are trying to accomplish, but hon, it is not working . Codies shouldn't threaten something if you are not going through with it. If you don't have the strength to implement, just wait.

Take your time, educate yourself. He is laughing at you, as he is not leaving. I remember when AXH was caught texting his GF, by her husband. I tried also to kick him out, he went to the basement. He lived in the basement for almost 10 months as he said it was his house and he could stay. It was a big step for me, but at least I got him out of my bedroom. Baby steps, but we need to follow through.

Work your program my friend, it will come!!

Hey Seren, from what I understand the A is refusing to leave the house and refusing to get in the car.

From what Smarie says he has only been staying a few weeks so she legally she can ask him to leave.

Smarie I hope he consented to leave. If he didn't, it would be worth it to make a call to the police. I continue to think that you need to get yourself some more support. (Not that we aren't aren't trying to support you to the nth degree here but esupport has its limits!)

Smarie, what is happening this morning? This is an incredibly difficult situation- wondering how you are and what your action plan is (as others have suggested you must take, yourself) now?

Do you have anyone who can help you? I am getting at literal and logistic help here, first, and emotional after that.

Good luck - tough choices for you.

I certainly understand the love you have for him. Just because we love someone, does not mean they will always be a part of our daily lives.

If you really want him gone this time , you are going to have to take the necessary measures, and yes, that may include involving the police. I do not know your whole story, or how long he has been living /staying in your home. This is what I have been telling my daughter for months, you invite trouble into your home, you be paying the price. Gives the words, "blinded by love" a whole new meaning.

I do not know the laws in your state, and what rights he may have, but you may want /have to leave your own home temporarily . This will send a clear message that you truly are done this time.

If it were me, I have some obnoxious, over the top friends, I would have them all move in with me, and they would drive him out in a matter of hours, I would be happy to send them your way.

Staying in a relationship out of pity is not love; it’s charity. No one should have to beg for love.

I think when we reach the stage of feeling pity for them, it’s really over. Time to stop watering a dead plant.

This is a very difficult situation and his “words” make it that much more difficult fro you. Guilt is a horrible weapon and when it is used against us it hurts like heck! When you’ve had enough of that hurt you’ll do what’s best for you.

Hello smarie...I hope this new day has brought you some clarity? I totally get where you're coming from regarding the see-saw of emotions! I love my ah too, but you know what, I am not sure if I 'like' him. Someone put-on a thread earlier regarding narcissism, and that it exactly what I am living with. Self-centered desires, and hateful comments when drunk...and not drunk! Leaving the house a wreck and just expecting that the 'fairies' will magically make it disappear! Loving and liking are two different things, and I have come to the conclusion that alcoholics are not likeable! To me, marriage or a partnership is supposed to enhance your life. If it's bringing one of the parties down, then it is the logical outcome that it should end. There is no blame on your part, and you should be content that you have done everything in your power to be supportive. If you are anything like me, you feel more like his mother than a wife!...always having to clean-up behind him...physically and emotionally. Also, I haven't had sex for two years, so I just feel that I am living with a really bad house mate! If he were just that, I would have thrown him out ages ago because there would be no emotional tie. You are SO right...it is hard...so very hard, because of the gamut of emotions going on in our hearts and heads, but stay strong girl...you matter the most...never forget that!😉#,

You summed up my marriage and my thoughts so well.