He Won't Accept

Old 11-17-2016, 11:32 AM
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One can have the mental illness of alcoholism and all the other isms that come with it, and not drink.

That's how I recovered, Smarie. I put the bottle down.

It's going to be hard for you to detach, I understand that. Do not under any circumstances open your door if he shows up. Just tell him - through a closed door - that he has overstayed his welcome and that your hospitality is expired! ...or whatever words. Be done.

If he argues, tell him you're calling the police. I've called the police on two different men, and neither one of them ever laid a hand on me - but they disrespected me on my own my property and would not leave when I asked them to - and I wasn't certain that I was safe.

Dealbreaker.
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Old 11-17-2016, 11:43 AM
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I' m happy for you bimini - how proud to make that decision to simply put the bottle down. I would always ask him, "aren't you tired of being sick and tired?". You must have gotten there when you put the bottle down too.

I thought of that today what you said - To make the decision before it happens that if he showed up I would no longer let him in but would call the police instead. I live in a apartment building and they are aware so I could even let them handle it as trespassing. Letting him in would only repeat the cycle that must break, and if he has shown he is unable to break it, it's at least my turn to do it. It certainly helps that I have all his clothes shipped out so he physically has no need here and can now, if he chooses, get himself to the Sober house where he once managed to get his life together.

As he use to tell me, nothing changes if nothing changes
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Old 11-17-2016, 01:25 PM
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If I were you, I'd tell management right now that he isn't welcome and to call the police if he refuses to leave. Let them be the "bad guys"--you can even tell them that you're afraid he will try to make you feel sorry for him and that you need their help.

These days, apartment complexes risk liability if they negligently put a tenant in danger, so my bet is that if you tell them that, they will be diligent about keeping him out.
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Old 11-17-2016, 02:06 PM
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Thanks Lexie! Already done actually. Yesterday when I was coming in the door guy whom I asked not to let him up asked me for my name and unit # so he can alert the staff that he is not allowed up. I'm very lucky to live in a building where I know everyone and they take care of me. Of course this is always risky because I come in through a back door that uses a keyfob which he doesn't have a copy of anymore, but stand around there long enough and people constantly flow in and out so he can theoretically get in.

Either way, if he does access that way and comes to my door I have a deadbolt and a phone to call the police. He tried yesterday when we were arguing and when I walked in tried to force himself behind me pushing, but I got to the deadbolt and he was too drunk to use strength and eventually left. I won't be trapped in here though and he hasn't shown up since. I don't really expect him to any time soon as he typically will binge out and fall off the face of the Earth until the episode is over . The danger zone for me is going to be a week out or so when he sobers up and wants to come back with more promises to change.

I am practicing no each day. I'm even running to the store tonight and picking up some wine along with my groceries for me to keep in my place, something I couldn't do with him here (I am not a recovering, just forbid it in my house to support him). I am also putting my clothes away from laundry in the drawers he once occupied. I want to start practicing living alone again right now and accepting it so it becomes real. I had a lot of practice as they say in these situations - the relationship tends to be over long before it's actually over.

Much thanks to your support
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Old 11-17-2016, 02:14 PM
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The danger zone for me is going to be a week out or so when he sobers up and wants to come back with more promises to change.
This is where no contact comes into place. He can't get a hold of you with the sober sob story if he is blocked. It takes the danger zone off the table as far as him being able to manipulate you. Then the only thing left for you to face and fight is what got you here in the first place.

But its way easier to do without their chaos....

What you've done is a HUGE step into a whole new BETTER life for you, and girl, you deserve it!!
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Old 11-17-2016, 03:14 PM
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And seriously, if he DOES continue to come around or to contact you after you've made it clear that it's unwelcome, consider getting a protective order. One more layer of protection. As you said, you don't want to barricade yourself in your home. You should be able to go freely about your business without worrying that he's skulking around.
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Old 11-17-2016, 03:24 PM
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Smarie both congratulations on getting him out and condolences for how painful this is. As we all know, it is beyond difficult.

I've been inviting women to come to the Women's page on SR and post on the "What did you do for yourself today?" thread. Sometimes it can be hard to get those flabby self-care muscles working again. Come on over and tell us something nice you did for that amazing lady, Smarie!!!
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Old 11-17-2016, 03:24 PM
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Keep safe, stay strong- you are a good person.
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Old 11-18-2016, 09:10 AM
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Just know that your strength is giving me strength.
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Old 11-19-2016, 06:45 AM
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Smarie, hoping to hear from you today and hoping all is well w/you.
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Old 11-19-2016, 07:14 AM
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Smarie- like HP said, PJ
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Old 11-20-2016, 01:27 PM
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honey & Phoenix thank you for your following up Needless to say my lack of response indicates a small step back I took, but I have regained myself again since.

After the debacle and him leaving, as expected the next day he texted me if he could come back as he had spent the night at the hospital. I sternly said no and blocked him from my phone. That evening I went to Target and on my way home I saw him outside my parking spot. Again I said no and he begged me then finally gave up and asked me for money to take a cab to the shelter. I regrettedly gave it to him knowing he would use it to drink but I was so tired and wanted him away.

He left and the next morning the knock came at the door. Yes I let him in - (exhausted is not an excuse but I felt completely depleted and had a business call coming up and just needed to get through it and not have him knocking while I worked). He was covered in dirt and urine and explained that he spent the night outside in a garage. I demanded he leave after my meeting but as we know the cycle kept up and he sat himself on the couch never getting up and feigning 'sobering up' so he could get to a shelter . (the temps in Chicago plummeted this weekend and per usual, it presented another setback for my compassionate naivite). In the day or two that followed he continued to find ways to drink and I felt again powerless to throwing him out in the freezing temps knowing that places would not take him drunk. The recent days blurred. More alcohol..more uncontrolled urination, and more mess. Yesterday I woke up to him moaning and I found him on the sofa with a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka completely empty, eventhough that night he seemed ok. This meant that he somehow found money to drink away in that short a time.

I of course know I invited it back in but somehow I needed to get him sober enough to go - I know it shouldn't matter and to call police but I made the conscious choice to get him sober enough to leave voluntarily having a shelter to go to (I know...codie codie codie....)...fast forward to this morning when he awoke seemingly done with the bender as they tend to last exactly one week. He tried to hold me while I lay in bed and I couldn't. He tried to cuddle with the dog and even the dog didn't want to...in my heart I wanted to hold him and take all of that pain away but I couldn't do it because we couldn't come back here. It needed to be different.

He was sober(ish) and begged to stay one more day if I could please just be with him and hold him and he would leave tomorrow. Something he typically asks me when the bender episode is over, and something I typically do. But I couldn't. It was sad to see, but I didn't feel the dilemma I usually do or the tears - I calmly said no and that I loved him but he needed to take action today and here on out without me.

I asked he call him wife he is separated from and stay there if he doesn't want to go to shelter or sober house, but that he could not stay here. Shockingly, after he gave me excuses he asked to use my phone and made the call to her. I was dumbfounded (again, I know it shouldn't matter and 'not my problem', but I do care for this person). When he made the call for once I clearly saw that I was not his only hope, his only place to go. This man has a family that is now impacted by the very real place he put himself in. He lost the job finally after a year long of chances, and he needed to sort this out with his family who were going to face the very real impact of his destruction. They share the lease, they depend on him...I've no horse in this show. This was their problem to face as a family. God is removing me.

After he called he turned to me and asked for a ride there. It was that simple. We got dressed, and I drove him. In the car, he asked I please not see anyone while he is getting better, that I not start dating because it would kill him. Amazing how this was his thinking at a time like this. As we got closer to the house, he made a final plea if there is any chance he could come back and I calmly explained to him no and that I am doing this simply because I loved him and I needed to heal and to allow him to heal, but that we could not heal together in my home. He accepted this and we continued our drive. When we reached the home I gave him a long hug. He explained how sorry he was and that he loved me. I wished him health and healing and that today is another chance at sobriety. A blank page if he wants it.

I know this is disappointing to read after the big step I took this week, but I want to be honest about where I am. I am very lucky to have a big and loving family so tonight I will be heading to my parents who live outside of the city. I decided to stay there for a while to get myself strong. I know that in my vulnerable state I need to stay away from my apartment for a while and the risk of getting a knock on the door on another freezing night, even if he is sober and playing on my psyche that he does not pose a threat. I am not running away from it, but removing myself from it to heal. When I feel better I will go back home.

Heading to a meeting here now that starts in 30 minutes. I'm tired, but I am strong and will survive this. I pray he does too. That's all I can do.
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Old 11-20-2016, 01:41 PM
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Sending you a hug.

Maybe this will help? Every time you "help" him and he still somehow finds a way to get drunk and stay drunk on your sofa, you're part of him moving a day closer to dying from his addiction. I know this is counter-intuitive and you think you're saving him because that what he says...but it's just the opposite.

I hope he has no way to get back into your apartment while you're gone, because he's going to try.

I hope your parents' place will be a sanctuary for you and you can get some clarity and rest.

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Old 11-20-2016, 01:57 PM
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I'd suggest getting that protective order--seriously. When he violates it, you then call the police and don't have to worry about his knocking on your door when you are trying to work.

It's a way of taking it OUT of your hands. Think about it. Worst case scenario, he gets arrested and stays in jail where he is warm and fed.
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Old 11-20-2016, 02:13 PM
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Sm- good he is not in your apartment. He will be back, I think. I also think he is doing exactly to his family what he does to you and everybody. Finding any way to get another drink. He will stay out in the cold even if he has a place to stay so sympathy will kick in with someone and he can then use that money to drink. He will use up his family until he is asked to leave- then come back to you, so long as he can drink.
A harsh reality I learnt for myself- all by myself. I had to adult up and get sober and stop being a S..T to anyone I thought I care about (I still do). He needs to want to and show it by action- not just 'I love you, I am sick, I am cold, I promise, this time, don't you love me?' stuff. In that state for me- all that mattered was having enough alcohol to go to oblivion. I do empathise for him, but being an alcoholic and being in pain does not give any one the right to stuff up any one else's lives. Stay safe. Keep posting.
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Old 11-20-2016, 04:03 PM
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Smarie,
Nothing changes if nothing changes, my friend. I know that you feel you did "good" by telling him no that he couldn't stay. But what about the other 30 things that he did before you told him no.

No means no. I agree with Lexie and the protective order. You can do this, you have friends and family. Your addiction to him is as strong has his addiction to alcohol. You just need to stop enabling him, he will never feel the consequences of his addiction if you don't let him feel the cold outside. His rock bottom is not going to be drunk inside a warm house with a women who loves him.

Keep reading around the forum and educating yourself my friend. You can do this!!!!
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Old 11-20-2016, 04:58 PM
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i really hope you make good use of your "retreat" time! i'd suggest getting busy on the steps.....at least the first step. as in write it out.....we have a 12 step section here, which is an awesome, and sadly under-utilized resource.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-1-a.html

if you don't dig in and explore WHY you do what you do, you'll just keep doing it. absolutely NO different than what we EXPECT and sometimes DEMAND of the alcoholic.
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Old 11-20-2016, 05:26 PM
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Smarie.....He will be back. lol...I don't even know him, and I would bet my kid's milk money on it.
What will you do when he is back? Can you get the land lord to ban him from the building...and the property?.Tell them he is a menace to you.
Tell your neighbors to call the landlord if they see him. The landlord can have him removed for trespassing (not necessarily arrested..unless they can find grounds to do so). The landlord may have to sign a form, in advance.
If he comes to your back door..you can call the police, and they will remove him for trespassing on the property. If he knocks on your door..you know who is knocking..you know his voice.
(I did this, myself, for my adult son (for his good and my good).....

Put a big sign on your refridgerator, that says: HE HAS A PLACE TO GO!

In the meantime, your place to go is to your meetings and to the therapist so that you can get back in touch with yourself....if not---it is virtually certain that your next couch may be soaked by urine from another soul who is seeking an enabler.
These guys are a symptom of your disease...of some pain inside of yourself that is not, yet, healed......
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Old 11-21-2016, 10:57 AM
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Hey, we're only disappointed because we know the life you have, and we know the life you DESERVE!! Don't ever feel like you cant come here and say you slipped, you relapsed, or youre full blown going to marry him lol (but seriously, please don't say that - haha.)

Heading to a meeting here now that starts in 30 minutes. I'm tired, but I am strong and will survive this. I pray he does too. That's all I can do
You are exactly right - you are strong, you will survive, and getting to meetings, and maybe even counseling will be the best things you can do. I want to see you care about YOU half as much as you care about him. (((HUGS))) And I agree - a protection order along with blocking him will help!! Hang in there...one foot in front of the other...youre doing fine!
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Old 11-21-2016, 12:00 PM
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Thank you to all of you and all the awesome supportive words! You make me remember when I am feeling weak. Yesterday's meeting was great. It was in the basement of an old and stunningly beautiful church. Before the meeting I sat there and watched a choir practice. The sun was literally beaming through the stained glass. I lit a candle and prayed for him, and for me...for God to take him into his protection from me.

I then went home and packed a bag and headed to my parents whom are a good hour outside of the city. As soon as I got there it felt like a big warm blanket. I kept commenting on how festive it looked as my mom warmed me a meal and she said "I can tell you really miss home right now". She had no idea.

Today I got a phone call from him that he was in the hospital in detox for the next several days. His mother picked him up yesterday from the ex and drove him to the hospital in the burbs (again, another reminder that I was not the sole savior and he has support, AND, that if I had let him stay yesterday he'd be doing the same thing rather than being where he should be right now). He's only detoxed with me alone at my home and never in a hospital so this is truly the best place for him. I am at peace that he is safe, but I do not want to reintegrate myself. He had asked I please not see anyone that it would kill him. I laughed again and explained that the only one I'm going to be seeing is ME. And that like him, I needed to get better too on my own and he on his.

I am going to see my therapist tomorrow and she has been tremendous in working steps with me to finally close this. She left a message yesterday after noticing I have missed two weeks of my weekly appointments. She tends to always know when I've taken a step back and am too ashamed to see her when we get really close. I look forward to our meeting tomorrow...AND a good nights sleep with no worries for the week. At some point I will have to go back home, and I will need to stay strong so I can always have peace. - be it a protective order if not an understanding and acceptance from him that we will part.
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