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Old 07-15-2016, 04:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
Soinlove
 

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Question

Mixed messages?


My long time (3+ years) ABF moved out two weeks ago saying he needed to fight his demons & figure things out. I've been a wreck to be honest, but have gotten to a place where I'm working on things I need to.. Seeing a counselor, getting ready to start al-anon, moving etc.
Atfirst we didn't talk at all, then a week in did.,& agreed we should meet up, and did-- had a great time, he said he loved me & missedne , we kissed and stuff( all like normal ), he said he wanted to come up and see kids and I in a few days.
He came by & saw me at work two days later bc he was sick, said he was detoxing ( yes on his own) but decided to stop drinking .. Wants to see me soon .
Over next few evenings we talked briefly , but he got back in this " reserved" mode.., yesterday we were joking around about exchanging pics & him coming over for a sleepover soon,. Then last night my son started dreaming out because they haven't seen him as he'd promised, so I text the ABF asked him to plz get in touch with me as soon as possible. A few hours later I get this awful message saying... FYI this is the sort of stuff I'm going to run from. That's not my responsibility any more. Sorry.
I cried and cried...
Is he referring to the sleepover soon reference? The me asking him to touch base with me soon ( I'm guessing he assumed I wanted him to do call me to tell me when he's coming over ). I did let him know that I had wanted to talk to him about my son .. But that id chill.. & asked if we were still cool?
I'm so lost... Ive never seen this side of him,& it scares me to the core that it appears I'm losing him ??
I was told by a family member who recently talked to him that ABF told him that he was working on his stiff,so he could them work on stuff with me.
But yet that message last night? 😥
My brother said " that " was the addiction .. Until he got that under control I have to back off & give ABF space and time... Do you agree? Is it possible for us to come out the other side ??
I'm starting today re-focused, seeing counselor ,& working on me stuff for kids & I .. Big move coming up .. & lots of new things.
What does everyone think ? .. Major mixed messages.. I'm torn up & so confused
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Old 07-15-2016, 05:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR, soinlove. I'm glad you've found us here and hope you can take the time to read around the forum. I'm seeing that you've posted to some other threads and that's always a good sign--it seems the folks who look beyond their own situation in order to learn and grow are the ones who get the most out of this forum.

To answer your question about your ABF, I think what is happening is extremely common. He tells you what you want to hear in order to keep you hooked in to the relationship, yet his actions are not consistent b/c that would entail actually quitting drinking and doing the hard work of recovery. What you'll see said around here, over and over again, is to ignore the words and watch the actions. THAT is where you'll see the truth of what is really going on.

Another thing you'll see said is that dealing w/addiction is counterintuitive. The things we think are what we'd "naturally" do for a person in a certain situation all go right out the window when dealing with an A. While active in alcoholism, they simply cannot and do not think/act/feel like a "normal" person does.

Have you seen this thread yet? You might find it a good starting place for some basic info. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

The stickies at the top of the page are full of useful material. These 2 areas are good ones to start with:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

You also might benefit from Alanon. For me, the combo of Alanon and SR was a good one, and I learned a lot and got a lot of support. The Alanon world-wide site is here: http://www.al-anon.org/

Again, welcome to SR, and I wish you strength and clarity as you start your own recovery.
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Old 07-15-2016, 05:42 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you... I read the article you suggested - good info.
I guess I feel like I'm between a rock & a hard place.. When we went out together a few days ago, his actions were all positive.. As were his words. And again two days later he drove to my work to see me and spent time driving around with me looking at places I'm considering moving too .
But you're right re the actions since.., as much as he wants to, he isn't able too stop what he's doing to " fit in" to what kids and I need/deserve .. He keeps telling them he misses them and will see them soon too. He actually dropped off sweet cards one day for them & another came to see them just to give them a hug and make sure they knew this is not their fault & said they can always talk to him.

But now two weeks later...

Sigh .. I'm trying .
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Old 07-15-2016, 05:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Keep moving forward one step at a time. Base your and your kids' happiness on your own health and your own actions, not those of the A.

Here's another thread you might find useful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...are-store.html
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Old 07-15-2016, 07:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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honeypig said:

Quote:
Base your and your kids' happiness on your own health and your own actions, not those of the A.
I think honeypig nailed it. Seems like he wants to keep his foot in the door but only as much as it suits him which is not fair to you and particularly not to your kids. You all get your hopes up and then he fails to deliver.

Sorry you're hurting, it's hard and I agree he sent mixed signals. Therefore it's best not to count on him for anything.
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Old 07-15-2016, 07:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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.. Thank you everyone.. Def mixed messages, but I feel that it's bc he's trying to figure out if he can get himself together & be sober, if so we'll move forward.. If not this awful demon will take him .
He's conflicted & twisted about this bc he's never loved anyone as he has me, & especially not kids... He knows I'm taking steps forward and doing things I need.. We agreed to take things slow & see how they go-- the challenge for ME in this, is being patient & living life, as my anxiety levels are off charts, at dr again today bc of it.
I'm praying for him & for us, I'm being z great mom & working my tail off at work as well as moving to a new town closer to work.
He has to decide to do this for him tho, not for me.. I've read that many times..& know it's true . I can't be mad at him, he's battling every day... Looking back over the last few years I can see that too... Just didn't recognize that's what was going on. I know I can make it without him, I just don't want that to have to happen . From advice I've gotten from others " step back, live your life, be there if he needs you,& hopefully rebuild once he has a handle on things ", I can't even imagine dating again.. It seems crazy .. I will always be in love with this man ..
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Old 07-15-2016, 07:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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What does everyone think ? .. Major mixed messages.. I'm torn up & so confused
Confusion is mostly the result of magical thinking. Reality is not very confusing at all.

We always say around here ACTIONS not words are what matter the most.

From what you have posted he has taken the relationship down a level or two by moving out. You are focusing on “relationship” and securing that for yourself where he is focused on himself.

Depending on what exactly you texted him regarding your son wanting to see him, I think that is what he is referring to. He is clearly telling you that he is not wanting the responsibility of “family”.

Alcohol or attempting sobriety, this man is clearly showing you by his actions that he’s not wanting the same kind of relationship that you want.
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Old 07-15-2016, 08:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Atalose has said, basically, what I was going to say to you....

Your first responsibility is to your young children, of course, and I am hearing that family type responsibility scares the willies out of him.......
He is telling you who he is...listen to him!

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Old 07-15-2016, 08:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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SIL,
Welcome to SR. You have come to the right place for help. The question is.... is the help on "how to get my addict sober and live happily ever after?" or " I am sick of living with an addict and I need help?"

You will learn on the forum that addicts have minds of their own, as I am sure you have seen. This is his gig and only his gig of getting sober. He needs to figure this out on his own and you enabling him only prolongs him from getting help, just like your brother said. He needs to grow up, sober up and work a program, not just detox. This is a full package or he is nothing but a dry drunk. While he is trying to get help for himself, what are you doing for you?

Our addicts make us crazy and we need help ourselves. I would recommend hitting an alanon meeting or open aa meetings. I would read the stickies on the top of the page. I would reach out for an addiction specialist/therapist who can help you. Your relationship is a 50/50 deal and you need to find out what you are doing wrong also, not just him.

There is a lot to learn on this forum and if you educate yourself you will be in a much better place. I am not saying everything will be perfect, I am saying that your life will calm down and you will understand what you are dealing with.

Sending hugs my friend, I hope you stick around.
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Old 07-15-2016, 09:06 AM   #10 (permalink)
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well....three years isn't THAT long in relationship terms....but it could be that he tried to the committed relationship/family thing and just found it wasn't for him......add to that issues with drinking and he tapped out. he wants no responsibility but all of the benefits. then he gets an emergency text from you to please call ASAP because one of the kids was having issues........and that is exactly what he doesn't want.

it's tough stuff to face. not every man wants to step in a do the DAD thing. or the commitment thing. that doesn't have to get heaped with blame or fault or failings, it just is......

this is a tough time for the children.....i'd be very cautious about setting up dates and sleepovers that include the children, as he is likely to bail and that would leave them very disappointed. children try to make sense of the world with their very limited experience and will often figure it must be THEM.....they don't understand all the intricacies and complexities of the adult world. they can believe that THEY are not good enough.......
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Old 07-15-2016, 09:07 AM   #11 (permalink)
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soinlove......I have one more thought that I want to share with you...as, woman to woman....aside from the alcoholism issue. I am , also, speaking from experience, as I dated during the many years between when I divorced my first husband and remarrying, again. I had three children.

The reality is this...a lot of guys will be attracted to you and, they may enjoy the benefits of, loosely, "playing house".....and, may even like the cute kids....enjoying all of this---as long as it is in the category of your responsibility.
They bask in all the perks of what you have to offer....even, including the security of the horizontal tango, whenever they want.....

But, when it is requested, or IMPLIED, that they shoulder this kind of responsibility..50/50....many men do not want to handle that kind of permanent commitment.
If doesn't, necessarily, have anything to do with alcoholism or any other intervening issue.....

If this is the case....be grateful that you have been allowed to have this information on the front side of things....
I can't think of anything worse than finding this out after the fact...after you have invested even more of yourself and your children in him.......

I know that this is very blunt talk....but, I just felt, that, as a fellow woman and mother...it had to be said.....
Part of the sisterhood......

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Old 07-16-2016, 06:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Again, thank you everyone.. Lots of suggestions & ideas . I admit I'm in a weird place... I'm trying to start focusing on each day & not further than that.-- it's too much. New anxiety meds also - per my dr...lost 12 lbs since this all started. I am accepting that I cannot control him or the situation, but just my part & how I handle things.
I guess I should have mentioned that a month ago he took a trip on his own to do some soul searching, & came back in such an amazing place.. Said he knew I was his one true love and that he didn't know his all the details would work but he knew that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life..& couldn't imagine going thru life without me.

I'm still hopeful,& am working on being string...& definitely no more pushing.
I lost my dad to cancer 4 months ago , that plus this has been incredibly tough on me. I pray a lot & am moving..& will soon start al anon meetings or maybe an open aa meeting...
Yes I'd love a fairytale ending, who wouldn't ... But that's not real life. I love him& I accept him for who he is and can't be mad at this man .. Time will tell I guess... In the mean time my story is going to continue ..
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Old 07-16-2016, 08:37 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I noticed a couple times in your posts you say "i can't be mad at this man".

For a recovering co-dependent that is denial talk and unhealthy. Why
would you tell yourself you can't feel certain emotions toward someone
who is hurting you & your children?

For someone to say all those things he said to you when he returned
from his "soul searching" trip, and turn around & treat you this way
shows that he is far, far away from meaningful recovery & sharing
his true self with you. He is only sharing his addiction with you.
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Old 07-16-2016, 07:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Thinking this guy will play " come here, now go away"for as long as you allow.

Perhaps, you also need a break, a little radio silence may help you to gain some clarity.

Sorry you are currently hurting, hugs to you.
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Old 07-21-2016, 07:22 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Hello all, it's been another week since I posted last... & some changes have taken place. First for myself & kids, I have finalized details to move & start anew a bit: another counseling session, time spent with family & friends (I realized how many wonderful people I have in my life, in addition to my ABF). I have been broken,& have survived..& feel much stronger & more independent than just a few short weeks ago.
That all being said, things have also changed with and for my ABF ... He had an " a ha" moment in the past week or so it seems... That day he came & saw me at work & told me he was stopping..& as of today that has held true.. Some of you may say, it's only been 10 days.. Yes it has, but his attitude has changed, his view of where I fit in& what he wants has now too. He's had some very low moments from what we've discussed..& I wasn't there to hold him up this time..& it scared him, he wants me in his life& I want him in mine. We are both willing to work on things within ourselves but also want to work on us..& see how things go...
I talk to him every day, I love & respect him..& am looking forward to spending the next few days with him...& to him helping us move along side my family and friends, to working on us but also on ourselves while not living together this time.
Am I taking a chance? Yes. May I get my heart broken? Yes, but every person in a relationship does.
I feel like he & I and the potential we have together is worth it.,. Please wish me luck and pray for us too
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Old 07-22-2016, 10:25 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Keep working on yourself no matter what happens - you are the only person you have control of. Wishing you luck and sending prayers!
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Old 07-22-2016, 10:34 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Like fb said, keep on doing the work on your side of the street. That work will never be wasted, regardless of what the future holds. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that if he gets and stays sober (a big IF), it will solve all your problems. I thought that way myself and delayed getting to work on my own recovery b/c of it. When things went south, I had no foundation to support me and had to start from scratch. Build your foundation now--it will stand you in good stead no matter what.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 07-22-2016, 12:01 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Alcoholics are self-centered in the extreme; his actions are about preserving his enabler. But it sounds like you're taking the actions necessary to grow and change as a person. The more you can focus on this, the faster you'll grow beyond this dysfunctional relationship. You go, girl!
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Old 07-22-2016, 12:31 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I've been in a state of confusion (denial) for over a year, going back and forth with my exAH fiancé and its living hell on earth. I'm starting to finally admit reality and who he is. I think that's the first step and now with some focus I can start working on me. Hugs, you are not alone! We can get through it a day at a time.
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Old 07-22-2016, 12:42 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Best to take care of yourself and in a big way shine him on. Works best not to chase.
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