Liveitwell

Ha-lilro-I've do e that before!! Very cathartic. I posted a couple of months ago about yelling at my exs picture. I also have yelled at myself-not out of shame-but more like "well, you married a boy and expected a man-what did you think was going to happen?! You knew he had major issues!! You knew his mom was so disgustingly enmeshed with her son that they liked sleeping together whike you were dating. You knew there were issues!!! Come on!!!!!". Then I just smile and thank the Good Lord that He got me and my kids out. You will not be hanging from a tree-you will be just fine I know it!!

Lilro

As will you!

redatlanta

"I just wish you would love me like my mom and sister do" and "I can't stand up to my mom-she's my mom".

Grounds for divorce and uber creepy.

Oh yeah, mine has the little man syndrome too.... And it's not because he acts like a kid! Lol. Sorry, I couldn't help it!

Grounds for divorce

Refiner

Omg... That family has many secrets I'm sure of it. Please quit lamenting about h not wanting to see your girls (I can't even say HIS girls). God's got your back on this one, I believe. If little bully boy doesn't want to see them, then certainly mommy dearest and her sicko clan don't care to, either. God's blessings in disguise, my friend!

Praying

For me, the anger was almost frightening--I had suppressed my anger for so very long, that when it came, it surged in crazy doses. I also found that more and more memories and lies would creep into my mind from nowhere...I think until my subconscious played all the memories out. Each time something new popped up I got scarily angry. I ran and I ran and I ran...I lost crazy amounts of weight but managed to keep my sanity...barely!

But my friends told me- this is HEALTHY. Where was that anger all those years?

It was like I had been letting someone hit me with a hammer every day and suddenly realized it. I could be angry for YESTERDAY...but I had the anger of ALL of the days built up and pounding in my head...

I was divorced two and a half years ago. About a year ago I regained what I consider a normal emotional state, but I worked VERY hard at it and explored every piece of myself. I still get little bits of anger at times, but it's more from a sad "how can he do that and miss all this with his kids, it kinda sucks to see them adapting and expecting it, I guess I'll go make dinner" standpoint, and less from an "I can't believe he can live like this, he's so irrational and horrible and doesn't care, I'm so righteously angry and furious that he's done this to us, I have to go run now or explode" sort of place.

Vent as much as you need to, exercise as much as you can, and try your best to just live your life. Time does help. Watching my kids heal helped me too...though a counselor told me that when they saw me healthier, they would be too. Chicken or the egg? But one of my biggest calming factors is when I look at what I've created with my kids--in the face of his craziness--and I realize we are ALL RIGHT. That's a source of pride nobody can take from you, and you are creating a secure home base for your girls. That's priceless. You rock.

Be ticked. Embrace it, release it, feel it again. And yes, letting go of any expectations whatsoever is the hardest part. Realizing he couldn't be a real dad was very hard for me. But I eventually did...and it freed me.

As an aside, I still run, though often it's hard to do it three times a week. Early on I was running every day, sometimes twice a day. Now I know I must be "normal" since I don't really want to sometimes. You'll be there too one day!

Hugs to you. Keep on rolling.

Liveitwell

Praying-I am there most days-I realize he's missing out on his kids lives-every small moment-gone. Again, I'm glad I'm not him. I wouldn't trade a minute with my kids for anything. I know what you mean with running. I've scaled way back in the last few months and have really enjoyed running again when I do run. I'm taking it easier on myself. I think I ran so much while we were together just to cope!

Refiner-spot on, again. It is truly a blessing. Nope-not one person has called, emailed anything to check on the girls. Not once. I have no idea what secrets are in that family, my ex alluded to many over the years, and I don't want to know-it's not my place-but whatever they are, I'm blessed to the nth degree to not have to deal with them anymore. They're all sick and happy in the secrets and dysfunction. So be it. His mother broke court orders during supervised visitation bc she let's her "boy" do whatever he wants, with no regard to her granddaughters, and cannot tell the truth either. Again, her choice. But she will never be the supervisor around our girls ever again bc as I thought all along, she cannot be trystsd. None of them can be trusted! Hell no for my kids!!! I have provided them with a safe and loving home:sonething none of us had while he was here. I'm forever proud of that.
Geez, thanks guys. Y'all have helped quell my anger and remember the blessings I do have-which are truly priceless!

Refiner

You GO Mamma Bear! (omg her "boy"... I've got the heeby geebies over what that dysfunctional family is all about).

Refiner

Just bc I'm curious of the "family dynamics"... and this could be a learning for those who haven't jumped into a marriage yet... is it was there ever a father figure in his life?

Liveitwell

^^ I think I can guess at what the secrets are, but I would never want to assume. Anyway, no, he had no father figure. His dad was an abusive arrogabt alcoholic, that abandoned him in every way, that died almost three years ago in his 50's from cirrhosis. Shocker.

Refiner

Wow. There you go.

Liveitwell

Ha-anger? After my ex went to rehab for one week and was "cured" last November we met for lunch after a couple of weeks of him getting out. I asked him the natural questions-bc he wanted to come home-how do you plan on staying sober, what are you going to do to address your issues, what boundaries are you going to put up to protect your marriage from your family? He started pressuring me into "you need to make a decision, now-I'm not waiting anymore for you to decide-make a decision!" And "my sister can say whatever she wants about you-she's my sister, what do you want me to do?". Checkmate. You're done, dude. Go live a long happy life with your true loves-your mom, sister and alcohol. God, do these guys ever grow up? What am embarrassment to guys who are actually real men.
I slept peacefully last night. Worked through the anger. It felt good. I don't know how long this will last but it feels good knowing it won't last forever.

Thank you all!

Refiner

Good job! You can sleep well at night. Him, not so much!

Liveitwell

It's like PTSD around here in my head-remembering so many things that made my skin crawl and I was utterly afraid to say anything bc I knew he would get angry if I said anything. When we were intimate, even after we got married, afterwards on numerous occasions he would ask me to rub his back with my fingers bc his mom used to do that and he liked it-yes, immediately after being intimate. He'd sit on the floor while I was sitting on the couch watching tv and asked me to rub his head like his mom did. After his dad passed he told me he had to make his mom happy and take care if her-that's whst she told him. He was her ticket. Disgusted. Oh my gosh. What the freak was I doing?! Run for the hills is right!! Never again am I overlooking red flags. I forgive myself and am glad I learned so many valuable lessons through all of this. Yuck. I have a lot to work on about myself to make sure that never happens again! Peace y'all. Anger transformed to healing today. Thanks be to God!

Liveitwell

One more vent (God this feels good)....after most blowups where I would say something like "hey, husband, maybe you could actually come home when you say you're going to be home-you promised your daughter you'd read to her", " hey, maybe being drunk everyday in the house isn't the best thing for your kids" and "hey, ......" All of these were met with him getting drunk (naturally) and telling me his mom never checked up on him and let him do whatever he wanted. Yep. After his dad died (when things really started getting creepy scary) his mom told me we should come love with her bc she could make sure he didn't drink...ha! How's that working out for ya? I invited her to alanon with me. She laughed. She told me that I needed mental help and that her boy needed to move home with her bc she could take care of him better than anyone else. Stated nobody was good enough for her boy and that she cried on our wedding day bc I took him away from her. God bless! Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus for getting us away. Truthfully, we all have issues and I did love my ex-I thought he would grow up though and actually address his issues. Obviously that was not the case. In fact, it got worse. Anyway, sorry for venting so much-my therapist told me years ago that mommas boys with severe emotional issues and substance abuse rarely change bc they don't care to work on themselves and address the root of their instability. Truth. His last message to me was "I just wanted to be yours"....well, buddy, you can't be mine bc you're still attached to the boob and refuse to address anything about yourself and your dysfunctional family. Not my problem. Enough for a while-I got it all out. I feel better. Being kind to myself and forgiving myself for being blind for so long.

LexieCat

This guy would have been a mess, drinking or not. It doesn't sound like he'd be adult relationship material even if he got sober, without tons and tons of therapy--and let's face it, he isn't motivated to do all that work. I'm glad (and I know you are) that you got some great kids out of the deal.

Scary to think about what he'll be like when mom's not around anymore. Maybe he'll wind up like "Billy" from Six Feet Under, sitting around bitching about his life in the old folks' home with his sister (who finally keels over during his last harangue).

NYCDoglvr

Having a resentment and anger feels terrible. For me it ended when I left. Over time it chilled into indifference.

Refiner

Eewwwwwwww Forourgirls!! He is just sick and creepy all the way around! Lexie beat me to it... Can you just IMAGINE when dear ole mom isn't around anymore? He and sissy will be shacked up somewhere together with her rubbing his head. Ewwwwwww.

Liveitwell

Praying for God to take away the anger. It helps. Slowly but surely...this is not a race. I'll get there.

Lilro

Billy from six Feet Under.....lmao!!!! I am dying over here reading this.....loll lol.

Oh, forourgirls, I feel for you! Please, I know it's hard but think of those 2 gorgeous children you got out of it. That always helped me when I thought about my ex-husband. Not my ABF, another loser.... That's what kept me sane. And now my handsome son just walked thru the door with Chinese food....hang in there!!

PohsFriend

(Hoping you are eating, sleeping, breathing too?)

Adding my prayers to yours.
FWIW mine were ignored as long as I was explaining to God how he OUGHT to respond and when and and and (lol). I never felt His hand in anything until the day I was just plain beaten and utterly defeated and thought two words to Him "Please help".

So rather than pray that you will find this or that or have whatever epiphany I am silently thinking of your family and praying "please help".

Hang in there.