For me, the anger was almost frightening--I had suppressed my anger for so very long, that when it came, it surged in crazy doses. I also found that more and more memories and lies would creep into my mind from nowhere...I think until my subconscious played all the memories out. Each time something new popped up I got scarily angry. I ran and I ran and I ran...I lost crazy amounts of weight but managed to keep my sanity...barely!
But my friends told me- this is HEALTHY. Where was that anger all those years?
It was like I had been letting someone hit me with a hammer every day and suddenly realized it. I could be angry for YESTERDAY...but I had the anger of ALL of the days built up and pounding in my head...
I was divorced two and a half years ago. About a year ago I regained what I consider a normal emotional state, but I worked VERY hard at it and explored every piece of myself. I still get little bits of anger at times, but it's more from a sad "how can he do that and miss all this with his kids, it kinda sucks to see them adapting and expecting it, I guess I'll go make dinner" standpoint, and less from an "I can't believe he can live like this, he's so irrational and horrible and doesn't care, I'm so righteously angry and furious that he's done this to us, I have to go run now or explode" sort of place.
Vent as much as you need to, exercise as much as you can, and try your best to just live your life. Time does help. Watching my kids heal helped me too...though a counselor told me that when they saw me healthier, they would be too. Chicken or the egg? But one of my biggest calming factors is when I look at what I've created with my kids--in the face of his craziness--and I realize we are ALL RIGHT. That's a source of pride nobody can take from you, and you are creating a secure home base for your girls. That's priceless. You rock.
Be ticked. Embrace it, release it, feel it again. And yes, letting go of any expectations whatsoever is the hardest part. Realizing he couldn't be a real dad was very hard for me. But I eventually did...and it freed me.
As an aside, I still run, though often it's hard to do it three times a week. Early on I was running every day, sometimes twice a day. Now I know I must be "normal" since I don't really want to sometimes.
You'll be there too one day!
Hugs to you. Keep on rolling.